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It has been 8 years now since D day and since then we have moved house, got a dog, bought a campervan, been on holidays and loads of trips. To anyone outside of the relationship we look solid. But I can't fully forgive and he is now slipping back into his old behaviours - drinking more, being irritable with anyone close to him, thinking he is always right.

After D day he did lots of work - therapy for ages and we did all the recommended things - full disclosure, couples therapy, I did individual therapy too.most of which was around why I was with him in the first place. The relationship was lovely for a good 5 years - very open with each other and I felt loved and cared for - on reflection for the first time eve.

I now feel like his part of the reconciliation was an act and one that he has been unable to keep going for this long. Or is he just taking me and our life for granted again? I'm now wondering if reconciliation was the wrong move - I don't fully trust him and never will but I decided to live with that - but it feels very fragile and my gut says to cut my losses and go.

Hey there, rosie. I'm sorry you're struggling with this.

Seems to me that what you're experiencing is rather common. I gave reconciliation a chance mostly because we had a 4yo child. But, I also loved my ex-wife and didn't want to throw away what we had.

I honestly believe that we did reconcile. She changed, owned and fixed her shit. We had a few good years, we were happy(ish), and connected like never before. There's even a couple posts from me in the Positive Reconciliation Stories thread.

Five years later, however, it finally dawned on me that I would never love her the way she wanted me to. The damage was simply too great. We fell back into old habits and patterns until one day I simply tired of fighting. I had nothing left to give.

I let her go. I let me go. We're both happier for it.

Divorcing was extremely painful. Not nearly as much as surviving infidelity. Still, it was hard to finally let go.

Sometimes I think people get wrapped up in reconciliation and then they realize that it wasn't what they thought it would be. For me, it was certainly worth the effort. The journey itself was its own reward.

Whatever you choose to do, finding a greater level of inner peace is always a good thing.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 4:18 AM, Friday, December 5th]

I am sorry that your relationship has been broken and you are now feeling like you are on shaky ground. That is a very difficult position to be in.

he is now slipping back into his old behaviours - drinking more, being irritable with anyone close to him, thinking he is always right.

I’m going to assume this was his behavior for a period of time during his affair. So that you are now triggered into thinking he might be cheating again.

I think you need to separate his patterns of behavior and recognize that he has some serious issues.

First - the drinking
Second - his demeanor
Third - his thinking he’s always right

Whether he’s cheating or not, any one of these issues makes it difficult to live with him. Add all 3 together and it becomes even more difficult to tolerate. It appears that you may not be able to talk to him about your concerns so you are left in a position of just having to accept it.

Bottom line, reconciliation is NOT something that means you are stuck in the marriage just b/c you Reconciled years ago. If you are unhappy and have tried everything to make changes and nothing changes, then you should give yourself permission to divorce.

You do not have to walk through the past yet again. It doesn’t matter if he’s cheating or not right now. You are unhappy and that is a perfectly valid reason to end it.

Drinking too much = red flag, not that he's necessarily cheating, but he has a problem. A person who drinks too much can't fix anything else. That needs to be addressed.

Regardless of his current behavior, I hear you on regretting R. I'm 11 years from dday. We have done all the things. From the outside, we look solid, too. Like Unhinged, I know I will never love my H again. The damage he did by cheating was too much. I can't completely forgive and trust him again. I'm just here living my comfy life trying to get along the best I can.

If you aren't feeling it and you have the means to D, do it.

Thank you for your advice. Such thoughtful and considered responses. It's exhausting to think of all the work that we are doing or have done simply because we ended up in a relationship with someone who could not be trusted the way we trusted them.

I agree that the drinking is a massive red flag. He comes from a family who all find it hard to cope with the stresses of daily life and has learnt this behaviour from a young age. Some of it is social anxiety - but not so socially anxious that he couldn't cheat I have pointed out.

He has had a wakeup call yesterday as he got drunk at a work Christmas party, got an unlicensed taxi home and the driver stole his phone. We have had £4000 stolen from a bank account. So yesterday was wasted reporting the crime to the police, freezing bank accounts etc.

He seems to be remorseful but actions speak louder than words and I've heard promises from him before about managing his drinking.

That being said he has come a long long way since cheating.He is calmer, open to discussions, able to talk about emotions. But drinking is still a big issue.

As long as he continues to drink, it negates his commitment to everything else.

Your are not top priority

Your marriage is not his top priority

Kids, finances, job, extended family are all further down on the list.

He needs to decide to get sober first before anything else can or will change.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:32 PM, Saturday, December 6th]

What FirstWife said. ⬆️

Yes, I agree with you both. If drinking is his priority then nothing else can be.

Lots of talking to do but ultimately it's up to him to sort the issue out.

Thank you as always.

ultimately it's up to him to sort the issue out.

Yes, it is. Most likely, that means he needs to stop, completely. If someone needs to manage their substance use, that usually means they can't.

And, you need to sort our your issues. Get yourself to Al-Anon.