I am so sorry you had to find us, but glad you did. Please know you are not alone and this is a safe place with so many who have walked in your shoes.
Weekends can be a little slow, so don’t be discouraged if not many comment today.
First of all, understand that this is all about him. He is 100% responsible. There is nothing you said or did that caused him to do this.
He needs to take full responsibility and commit to understanding how he allowed himself to betray your M (marriage). Not superficial level, but dig very deep down into his own psyche. Him working with a therapist (IC, individual counseling) who specializes in infidelity would be a good start.
As for you:
1) Take care of your health. Exercise, healthy food, lots of water, good night’s sleep. Avoid alcohol and see your doctor if you can’t sleep or are having anxiety issues.
2) See your doctor anyway. This may not have been his only time cheating. Cheaters lie, and as you learned, sometimes (often) they only tell part of the truth, the minimum they can get away with. You need to get a full panel STD/STI test and do not have unprotected sex with him until you have your results and see his. (Don’t’ take his word for it.). You want kids and an untreated STD can cause real problems. Do this right away. (And don’t worry - doctors have seen it all— they will be kind and understanding.)
3) Put trying for a baby on hold for a bit. You will be a stress mess for a while, and it is unclear if you will be able to R (reconcile) yet. Your H has shown that he is not who you thought he was. And don’t feel like you have to decide whether or not to R or D today. It may take some time to know what is best for you- don’t put undo pressure on yourself.
4) Read in the healing library here, and all the posts in the JFO forum that have the bullseye next to them (You may have to go back a few pages). There is some really helpful stuff there.
5) See a lawyer or 3. Not to file, but to understand the implications of D. Knowledge is power, and by understanding what D would look like, you will remove many of the fears of the unknown. No need to share with him that you are doing this.
6) Get local IRL support for yourself. IC, a bestie, your sister, clergy, etc. Chose someone who will support you whatever you decide. A good outlet will help.
Has he started looking for a new job? He can’t keep working with her, and it will be really difficult for him to be working remotely until trust is restored (which takes YEARS). What is he doing to start to repair? 100% transparency, reading any books?, looking for IC for himself? He needs to be leading the way on this— he broke it, he has to fix it.
Be nice to yourself — this is really hard stuff. But you will get through it. It takes time, but you really will get through it. Keep posting, keep reading.
[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 8:58 PM, Sunday, May 14th]