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Newest Member: Unsureofhope

Just Found Out :
Wife of 20 years had 6 month affair

Topic is Sleeping.

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 10:16 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

There's not really any way she could be seeing him right now. He lives 3 hours north of us and she works 1.5 hours south. She has tracking turned on on her phone, so I can see that she goes to work and comes home.

You're way too trusting after being betrayed by someone who allegedly went to IC to stop seeing him and couldn't. She takes a time off work and leaves her phone at her desk. He uses work as an excuse to travel the 4.5 hours and they meet up. Burner phone or other apps that don't leave an obvious trace as a method for staying in contact. She invested so much energy carrying on a long distance affair with this guy under your nose. What makes you think she gave up on it that easily after confrontation?

I've accepted that if she wanted to leave, she could. I've also accepted that if she does contact him again, it will be her decision to end our marriage. The fact that she's stayed so far is at least some evidence that she intends to change.

The only thing her staying tells you is she's staying with you for now. Yes, it could mean that she has chosen you and she is done with the A for good but I wouldn't count on it. It could be because he is still living with his wife and they're waiting until his divorce is final so they can get a place together. That could be living with you is more practical for her (4.5 hour drive to work isn't) right now. You're understandably destroyed by her betrayal. How much more destroyed are you going to be if she leaves after she gets her ducks in a row?

He told A that they were in the middle of a divorce but I don't know that I believe either of them.

Court records are generally easily findable now days. If he is in the process you should find traces of it. It will also give you OBS's name and possibly her address.

posts: 1373   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8756095

veryconfused ( member #56933) posted at 10:25 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

You have gotten some great advice all ready, so none to add in the classic manner.

However, do yourself a favor, try to see the crying as a release and a part of the grieving process. Let’s be honest, guys don’t cry, right? We ride stoically through life. Except when infidelity hits. You are not alone.

I cried every day for 3 straight months.

I knew every off ramp in the highway and had several spots on each to hide while I cried it out.

I can’t tell you the number of times I had to leave meetings in order to cry.

I woke crying

It’s 6 years later, and I can cry at the drop of a dime. Honestly, Moana brings me to tears in like 10 spots, commercials, and on…..

You are in good company.

posts: 264   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2017   ·   location: Mid West
id 8756099

DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 11:00 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

I read all these replies, and I'm sure I sound like a fool.

Nah. Just a loving, caring husband who is deep in shock and grief. If you're a fool, we all are, or were at some time when we too were deep in the same or similar state.

But heres the thing, that grief, shock and sorrow can be paralyzing and cause you to freeze up, to be in a state of denial about whats really going on. Its called smoking hopium. Know how I know? I smoked a lot of it and it hurt me badly. It actually prolonged my pain greatly.

I have no way of knowing if she's still talking to him.

Are you still checking the phone logs online or does she have another phone?

The fact that she's stayed so far is at least some evidence that she intends to change.

This is too big a leap IMO. She could easily be biding her time.

Listen, youve received tremendous input here and none better than Bigger's strong encouragement to get out ahead of this.

Stop chasing this situation and take the lead. A strong lead. A lead that puts YOU first as the prize. A lead that puts her on notice that youll not be strung along ad infinitum.

Strength and clarity to you

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 11:10 PM, Monday, September 19th]

"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"

~ lascarx

posts: 100   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8756105

generic ( member #45676) posted at 2:43 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

It's been a long time since I went through what you have just started going through, so hopefully you can benefit from my hindsight a little.

When it happened to me, I looked at what I had done wrong, I looked read a few books about affairs etc to try and understand and I spent time (maybe too much time) on this forum. I looked for ways to "win" my wife back and change her mind.

Here is the kicker, you did nothing wrong. You cannot change who she is or what she thinks and no amount of reading or behaviour changes can achieve that. You cannot convince someone to love you or be faithful. That all has to come from them.

After I found out, it was hard to know the truth from all the lies, the lies certainly didn't stop after I found out nor did she ever cut contact (in fact they are now married). If you want to fix things and she truly does too, then that is up to you both to set in motion what needs to be done to make that possible. Treat what she says with some scepticism though, she has just proven she cannot be trusted.

On the other hand, I would say don't get wrapped up in a sunken cost fallacy where you feel you invested so much time and don't want to lose that time spent. The memories will always be there, the children too. They are older than mine were so they will be affected more for sure, not much I can advise on that, just be very careful neither of you weaponise them. Divorce gets VERY messy once money and assets comes up for discussion.

if you go that route, 1 or 2 years down the line after the divorce dust has settled, you will be happy again. Even if you dont feel that is true now. 45 isn't too old to find someone new and live a very happy life.

Whatever you choose to do, good luck. It will get better.

[This message edited by generic at 2:45 PM, Tuesday, September 20th]

Me: BH (32)
Her: WW (32)
Married: 19/04/2008
DDay: 17/11/2014
Divorced: 04/05/2015

posts: 220   ·   registered: Nov. 19th, 2014
id 8756182

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 3:19 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

Your wife can go to work and leave her phone at work and drive to see the OM.

I’m not saying she is. I’m saying she could.

We have a joke here called the "cheater’s manual". We refer to it as such b/c the cheaters all follow the same script.

I’m not cheating…well I’m just friends with him/her…..there is nothing going on……ok we had coffee one day but we are just friends……ok we kissed but it was just twice and we did not have sex…….well we had sex it was only oral sex but I stopped in the middle b/c I didn’t enjoy it……..yes we have had a 2 year affair but we used condoms and I didn’t enjoy the sex……..the OW is pregnant.

Just letting you know that my H came home and admitted the start of the affair. He still lied about everything to the point where I thought we were reconciling and he was still cheating.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12823   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8756191

Crazytrain101 ( member #48200) posted at 5:48 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

I am so sorry, best club nobody ever wanted to join. This community will guide you & help you in ways that will stay with you for life.

I'll just add as someone who initially took back a cheater (WH)--cheated again and headed for D--the constant patrolling will be debilitating, mind numbing and life ruining. I had my polygraph in the first year after, I tracked, patrolled, and had access to everything. It was awful, it was a full-time job. Then as time went on say year 2,3 I let the reins slide of patrolling but to a lesser degree.

By year 4 I figured WH was safe and had changed for the good laugh

As SOON as I stopped, my WH started right back up. My point being, you will likely always need to be on top of the patrolling--IS this how you want to choose to live? It's a rather tough choice, being a PI for the rest of your existence with her.

I personally would ask her for a polygraph (yes fully know they aren't good in court)schedule it, tell her you'll be asking 5 questions (that's all that's usually allowed)and simple ask her if she has anything else she has to tell you? IF there's anymore she will tell you before the polygraph--nobody wants to go and fail laugh Worked for my WH like gold.( One AP turned into 13 AP's)

As far as oral sex goes, your WW could contract HPV, not know, you have oral with her and you develope throat cancer years down the road since it lays dormat in our bodies. Not safer by any means. It happened exactly like this to a dear male friend of mine.

Your going to have to flip the switch internally and move to a strong point right now, (fake it until you make it)make your demands, hold that line strong and have your weak moments away from her prying eyes.

Have her (if she hasn't already) call the AP and tell him with you listening on 3-way or speaker that it is OVER--this is a great time to watch afterwrds as well, a lot of times a cheater will make the call, then they'll run off and message them/email or drive off with a burner phone to patch up the relationship.

Keep posting CT101

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1768   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8756389

Tempocontour ( member #65971) posted at 11:45 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Based on what you wrote your ww hasn't suffered any consequences. You should tell all friends and family that she cheated. Don't let her tell her story unless you're there or she could spin it and make it that you're the bad guy. You also can't fully trust her, her cell phone could be at 1 place while she's somewhere else. You should hide a voice activated recorder in her car where might be making calls to her lover via an other cell phone.Trust but verify. You could try to hire a PI to locate her lover's spouse. You should let her know what you know, she needs to know. Your ww have a LONGGGG way to earn trust back. Get yourself tested for STD! Who knows how many other people your ww and/or her lover has slept with. You should talk with a lawyer to see what your options are going forward. Please give us an update. Good luck.

posts: 86   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northeast
id 8756450

HarryD ( member #72423) posted at 3:08 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

It’s really good that your wife is the first person in an affair to have safe sex. Or was it safe to tell you it was safe sex

posts: 120   ·   registered: Dec. 30th, 2019   ·   location: NY
id 8756518

numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 2:29 PM on Monday, September 26th, 2022

Please keep your options open right now. An A is hard enough to work through, but doing this while you were mourning. . .I have to say that shows how firm her commiment was to your M.

I am really sorry, but you need to think if serious thing happen in life again will your Ww be there to support you?

Her behavior is down right cruel and it makes me wonder what else you've had to endure that shows a not so great pattern.

Is this someone you want to be with or is it all you've known and don't see another option.

Lastly, any IC that would allow the A to continue is not a very good IC. I dincerely hope the IC did not encourage her to pursue the AP.

My take? Demand she find another IC that at a minimum will not passively condone continuing an A. If the IC did not condone it and was counseling her to stop the A. . .they weren't very effective ay doing so were they?

R is fine, but you need to make sure you go into it with your eyes wide open. Is your W really a good R canidate if she chooses an A when things are tough.

Through R you will experience a lot of very harx times. I'd hate to see you hurt again. Maybe observe your W actions for awhile to see if she is capable of being a much better wife than she has been. How can she show you that she would make use of the second chance you are offering? Does she value this opportunity or does she pretend to do so to avoid being the reason for your D?

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 5071   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8757075

sven ( new member #80286) posted at 7:01 PM on Monday, September 26th, 2022

What was her explanation for the affair?

you don’t know him?! He might still be coming to your town and they meet up once in a while or he meets her after work in a motel. All I’m saying is they could still meet if they wanted to. Its hard to believe a liar.

you should make her telling OBS an obligation for Reconciliation, with you present. there has to be some consequences, you will regret this one later on. If you make Reconciliation or not, you will regret not contacting OBS.

How did she go NC with Ap?

What did you see in her phone? Where there deleted messages or did you see everything?

In some cases, I do think that the WS does take the risk of an affair knowing that the BS would not leave. Giving the WS a safe "playground".

My bet is, it wasn’t her first time.

And did I read this right: she needs therapy to stop the affair? Excuse me!

[This message edited by sven at 7:57 PM, Monday, September 26th]

posts: 12   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2022
id 8757099

CommonLeadership48 ( new member #79928) posted at 1:03 AM on Monday, October 3rd, 2022

In your shock and grief, you are also falling right into a trap. It's unintentional on her part, but the trap is that your love and deep desire to believe this isn't happening is causing you to accept things about her that are likely false. She senses you are wounded and she knows she can't tell you the whole truth. The whole truth is this: the counseling was not to stop the affair; it was to figure out the best way to tell you she wants to end the marriage. Now she's been caught and must alter her strategy, but she's not altering her goal. She is the type of cheater that will not make the decision to tell you straight up that she is leaving you for another man. Rather, she is the type that hopes her actions are so egregious that you will leave her.

There are numerous ways she can hide her affair; you've already heard from others more experienced than I.

I know you're hurting and the pain is unbearable at times, but you need to start thinking separation and divorce. I can almost guarantee she's been thinking it for a year. I agree in general with Bigger's strategy and that is to let her know that you have begrudgingly accepted that she is no longer committed to the marriage and wants to be with the OM. Time to say goodbye.

And, for god sakes, don't be sad and moping when you say this to her. You need to appear strong, resolute, and collected when you tell her. If you can't, then wait until you can. The point is, she's only biding her time until the OM is ready. Your declaration will cause her to realize the finality of her actions and she may change her mind about him. However, I doubt she will. She will likely feel relieved.

I didn't read about kids, but if you have children together, start now to think about how to manage them. Your inclination is to want to spend a lot of time with them to overcompensate for missed time in the past and future. I urge you to be very lenient with your wife and offer her primary custody if she desires it. Again, she's way ahead of you in this regard; been thinking about it and sharing it with her counselor.

I wish you peace.

posts: 15   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2022   ·   location: TN
id 8757996

Western ( member #46653) posted at 1:26 AM on Monday, October 3rd, 2022

Mrfibble is right in his post.

Don't trust her. Do more investigative work.

I would file for divorce. It either gets you out of the bad situation or forces her off the wall and makes her make a decision.

However, if she chooses you, demand a post nup agreement because she tanked your marriage.

You need to live free and happy. You won't do that until decisive action is taken

posts: 3582   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2015   ·   location: U.S.
id 8757998

Western ( member #46653) posted at 1:27 AM on Monday, October 3rd, 2022

Commonleadership is spot on too

posts: 3582   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2015   ·   location: U.S.
id 8757999
Topic is Sleeping.
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