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Divorce/Separation :
Wins!

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 FuturewasStolen (original poster member #74119) posted at 12:50 AM on Tuesday, June 21st, 2022

I had two big wins for myself today (and last night)!

1. Last night I slept on my STBXH's side of the bed for the first time.
2. My STBXH installed our dishwasher about a year ago and rigged it together. It took him hours upon hours, days upon days and soooo much frustration. I was afraid to talk to him he was so mad at it. Our kitchen flooded so many times before he finally got it together. It held up until now, but today it started leaking. So I went over to Home Depot and had someone help me get everything I needed and explained what to do. Then I went home and I fixed it in about 45 minutes.

They sound small, but we all know its the small ones that hit home sometimes and these were huge for me! I feel on top of the world!!!


Share your own wins, let's cheer each other on!!

smile

Me: BW (33) Him: WH (34) Married 6 years Dday 1: 2/25/20 Affair for 1 year; Started R for real: 6/1/20 Three boys together: 5, 4, 2 Dday 2: 11/28/21 Affair for 6 months Don't know how many other girls he was "just talking to"

posts: 99   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8741138
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:15 AM on Tuesday, June 21st, 2022

Hogging the whole bed is a definite silver lining! And look how calm cool collected and competent you are! I bet you will have a lot more days like that!

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4876   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8741163
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:30 PM on Tuesday, June 21st, 2022

The dishwasher success story is one of the best wins!!!

My best win during his affair was finally standing up to him and telling him I was not going to R. It made him fall hard off of his pedestal and realize he doesn’t call the shots.

He no longer thinks I’m going to give in to him (which I did very often just to keep the peace).

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12289   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8741199
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 2:30 PM on Tuesday, June 21st, 2022

"I went over to Home Depot and had someone help me get everything I needed and explained what to do. Then I went home and I fixed it in about 45 minutes"

You go girl!!!!!

Funny thing is I noticed there is a lot of conflict and chaos and half (well we all know what) "work" I no longer have to deal with.

The destruction WH left behind is both subtle and very overt. Literal trash, containers of used oil, empty paint cans, broken tools, frayed cords on tools, needless overspray when painting: destroyed lawn equipment all the way down to a broken broom. Walls painted multiple shades of the paint colors we had picked. Damaged and misinstalled plumbing and faucet parts. I struggled with working with them because there was always drama, trauma and chaos.
My hypothesis is that there is something very broken in people who break their commitments to others and it shows.

I do not miss it or them since they were unwilling to face their issues.

Recently I worked with my someone helping me to fix a plumbing issue left behind by WH. We calmly problem solved. That's it. The plumbing is apart.. We broke the part we agreed would likely have to be broken and replaced due to what WH had done and what needed to be done. And we have a list of what we need to fix it. Easy.

My win is that despite WH's efforts to break me after I left him I am thriving.

posts: 956   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8741214
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Sally24 ( new member #70794) posted at 3:54 PM on Tuesday, June 21st, 2022

Love, love, love your dishwasher fix win!

I also enjoy sleeping in the whole bed. And not stepping over his crap everywhere...

Never let your fear decide your fate

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2019
id 8741225
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 FuturewasStolen (original poster member #74119) posted at 11:55 PM on Tuesday, June 21st, 2022

I love these responses, keep them coming!

Shehawk - isn't it crazy how they just stop caring about anything? Like, I'm sure it would have been better for your WH to have just not started any of those projects than to do them half-a$$ like that, making more work for you now! They stop putting effort into the marriage but also stop putting effort into anything related to the home, i.e. home "repairs". I'm so glad for you for making the plumbing repair and doing it calmly! I know you can keep taking on projects and keep conquering them!!

Me: BW (33) Him: WH (34) Married 6 years Dday 1: 2/25/20 Affair for 1 year; Started R for real: 6/1/20 Three boys together: 5, 4, 2 Dday 2: 11/28/21 Affair for 6 months Don't know how many other girls he was "just talking to"

posts: 99   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8741315
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 2:34 AM on Wednesday, June 22nd, 2022

The DW is definitely a win!

Mine is a set of Christmas dishes I got at the Dollar Store. They're a double blessing for me. I've always wanted to have special plates and glasses for Christmas, and I finally have room.

The biggest win is more about my mental healing. I didn't buy the dishes when I first saw them, and could have put them on my credit card but didn't want to do that. I went back at payday when I had the money, but they didn't have enough for what I wanted. The negative self-talk started. Using tools I learned from IC on mindfulness, I stopped and gave myself grace. I ended up with the Christmas dishes and some white plates with gold trim, so I can mix it up.

Instead of beating myself up for hours, I was able to stop. The dishes are a symbol of my growth.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1233   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8741330
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Tripletrouble ( member #39169) posted at 3:39 AM on Wednesday, June 22nd, 2022

Good for you! There’s something so empowering about 1) reclaiming the whole bed 2) doing some basic home repairs. My XH would never let me have anything textured on the bed - cotton percale only so as soon as he was out I bought the bedding I wanted and lay on that bed like a starfish. And those first couple repairs made me feel like a boss once I got past the frustration and resentment.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Happily remarried 2018
Time is a great healer but a terrible beautician.

posts: 1169   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2013
id 8741340
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nothisfriend ( member #53171) posted at 3:10 PM on Wednesday, June 22nd, 2022

We never had any money. Zero credit rating because we got in trouble early on and switched to a cash lifestyle. Within a year of separating I had a credit rating and bought a house. Helped the DS with college. Bought a car and paid it off. Bought another house. Healthy savings account. He married his "sugar mama" OW. They have a business, but haven't paid their property taxes. I feel like the winner with a bright outlook on the future.

Me: BS 50 (at the time)
Him: WH 53 (at the time)
D-Day: 10/25/15
Married: 5/14/1988
One son, age 18 (at the time)
D final 9/13/16

posts: 1269   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2016   ·   location: Illinois
id 8741374
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 7:50 PM on Wednesday, June 22nd, 2022

Thanks Future
Funny thing but I think this was always his baseline way of being....like pigpen has a cloud of dirt that no one could help him scrub off.. he had a cloud of chaos...cheating went back to no more than 5 years into the decades long marriage, lies, more lies.

My life now is just peaceful and stuff may take awhile to get done but it gets done properly and without unnecessary damage. wins all around.

My to do list gets done a little more each day. My finances and general overall health improves a bit each day.

Small incremental wins!

You've all got this!!

posts: 956   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8741406
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 5:59 PM on Thursday, June 23rd, 2022

I learned how to drive and bought my own car.

This was a big deal for me, as I grew up in a major city and none of the women in my family drive. I had always wanted to learn, but my ex bought--in my name because he had no credit--a ridiculously large vehicle that was too difficult for me to learn on and practically impossible to park on our busy street. I suspect he picked this vehicle on purpose to ensure that I would never have very much independence.

Once we were divorced and my name was off the deed to his metal monstrosity, I got my permit, took lessons, and got myself a small but very durable and reliable car. This helped prepare me for my eventual move to the burbs with my wonderful husband #2. :-)

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 838   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8741554
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 2:54 AM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

That's a cool win win bluer!!

posts: 956   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8744144
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