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Reconciliation :
Reconciliation not going well

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 LeavingSoon (original poster new member #80373) posted at 6:16 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

I posted here a few years ago as I was in a sexless marriage for many years.

I sucked it up, put all my energy into work, almost destroyed my health, and wasn't a good role model for my kids. I was constantly angry at the situation and with myself for letting it get this far.

I always 100% believed my wife not matter what she said to me. NEVER once did I suspect she was carrying on an affair (which she did after 5 years of marriage and it went on for 4-5 years then stopped). I lied to myself that the sexless marriage was just low libido on her end and I had to bear that cross, which I did. 3 years ago, the affair re-started and I happened to read a book that helped open my eyes to my situation.

I discovered the affair and confirmed it. I realized how alone I was and I could not continue in my life the way it was going - I changed my diet, started going to the gym, lost almost 50lbs and got into the best shape of my life. She tried to sabotage and put down my efforts during the process.

About 8-9 mths into my changes, her affair all came out, and we tried to reconcile. She took maybe 10% responsibility at best but tried to blame me for everything. I came to the realization she made her own decisions and is responsible for those. I realized I created the environment for her to cheat and was not the man I should have been. I am convinced if it was any other woman in her place, the result would likely be the same, as she wasn't getting the emotions she wanted from me.

I had a lot of anger during this process and still do, although it's decreased a lot.

She wanted us to go to marriage counselling which I refused, and still refuse. I suggested it when the sexless marriage started a very long time ago and she refused back then (little did I know she was in affair at the time and that's why). She planned on leaving me way back then but decided to stay.

2 years ago she was planning to leave me again after her affair restarted, until I discovered it and it all came out. She said she made the biggest mistake of her life and said her relationship with him would have never worked out (he is married with kids).

She still wants us reconcile but I am about to check out. Since everything came out, the marriage is still sexless. She claims she has no emotional connection and it needs to rebuilt by me, and can't be physical in the meantime, but she is not putting in any effort towards that.

I have stayed regardless because I feel guilty about breaking up the family, and the impact to our extended families.

We are about to make a major life decision which would require a move, but I just can't move forward and live with her like this. I am miserable and need my space.

I have many friends in the last few years ALL with deteriorating marriages with some level of sexlessness (one of my friends is at 8 years sexless and his wife cheated on him as well - they are divorcing).

Not sure I am posting this other than to see how many others are/were in the same boat and came out better on the other side.

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[This message edited by LeavingSoon at 5:23 PM, Wednesday, June 15th]

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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 6:49 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

LS,

Do I understand that it is one OM multiple affairs, or multiple OMs?

In any event your first job should be to expose the OM / OMs to everyone in their life that matters to them spouse, parents, work, facebook, etc. Don't threaten or warn do it massively and suddenly.

Your WW has gotten her way with you and you need to take back your power, no more Mr. Nice Guy!

posts: 1186   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8739991
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 LeavingSoon (original poster new member #80373) posted at 7:07 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

It’s one OM on 2 separate long occasions.

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[This message edited by LeavingSoon at 5:24 PM, Wednesday, June 15th]

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2022
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 7:30 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

Does the OBS know of the affairs? Certainly, you must enlighten her now if she doesn't know what has been going on.

Honestly, I can't imagine why you would ever want to R with your WW. Two long stretches of an affair with the OM should be more than enough to make you want to puke at the sight of your WW. Divorce is not fun and certainly, it is not a picnic for the children. But enough is enough. Take what you have learned from your marriage and apply it to your next relationship. But, come on, it is time to leave. She has practically told you that you are her plan B. She certainly sounds like she doesn't give a squat about you other than the security you provide. She has admitted she has no emotional connection to you. She blames you for her affair. What more do you need? You may not have been perfect but your wife has made your marriage a sham. I would DNA your children BTW. Follow through with what you know has to be done.

Take control and go see a lawyer NOW. You understand the need to end this farce, now follow through or wallow in a sexless, loveless marriage where your WW will certainly find a way to cheat again and again and again. Take back your dignity and respect. Dump her today. I've been there and done that. It is so liberating.

posts: 655   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8740000
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 7:50 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

Sorry you are here LeavingSoon.

If I were in your shoes, I would go find myself a divorce attorney right away and get yourself out of this marriage. Your wife has not given you much of anything to work with. What she is telling you to do is rug sweep this affair. She hasn't lifted a finger towards reconciliation and in fact she is putting it on you to rebuild the marriage that she ruined with her affairs. Get out of the sexless marriage and move on in the future with a relationship that works for you in that arena.

Myself - BH & WH - 35 years (05/24/1985)Her - BW & WW - 34 years (05/25/1986)<P>D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 237   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8740006
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 LeavingSoon (original poster new member #80373) posted at 7:57 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

Bor9455,

You are 100% correct, and I fully finally realize that.

I already spoke to lawyers a few years ago and because of my situation, both advised against outing the other person to their families as well as my wife. I understand why and bit my tongue - it won't always be that way though.

It's a very emotional situation but you have to be smart and not make stupid knee-jerk decisions that bite you in the ass after. Outing the WS and AP immediately is not always the best choice - always better to speak to an attorney first.

It will come out AFTER the divorce is done.

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[This message edited by LeavingSoon at 5:24 PM, Wednesday, June 15th]

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2022
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 8:24 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

Very sorry you are here again. Your WW isn’t putting any effort into trying to recover much less R. Something important to remember, no you did not create a situation where anyone would cheat on you because their emotional needs weren’t being met. That’s pure blameshifting and it’s false. You were not a perfect spouse. None of us are, including your WW. But there is no justification for cheating. She cheated because she wanted to do it. Period. She has a character flaw and lack of commitment to you. Always value yourself. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3216   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8740014
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 8:35 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

Bor9455,

You are 100% correct, and I fully finally realize that.

I already spoke to lawyers a few years ago and because of my situation, both advised against outing the other person to their families as well as my wife. I understand why and bit my tongue - it won't always be that way though.

It's a very emotional situation but you have to be smart and not make stupid knee-jerk decisions that bite you in the ass after. Outing the WS and AP immediately is not always the best choice - always better to speak to an attorney first.

It will come out AFTER the divorce is done.

So wait, you didn't call up this dude's wife and let her know that her husband was seeing your wife for a long term affair not once, but twice?!?!?!?

The OBS is living a lie and has been living one for what sounds like close to a decade if I read the years right on your post. That poor woman has no agency in her life to make decisions about her future and even worse she has been exposed to untold potentially dangerous STDs, because she if she doesn't know that her husband is cheating, she is probably still sleeping with him. Affairs thrive in the dark like cockroaches, but shed a little light on them, and like the roaches, they scurry for the exits as fast as possible. Your wife had no consequences from the first time around and it seems that only you knew about the affair, so it either went underground or dormant for a while, waited for the heat to be off and then came back. Had you exposed it to the OBS, you would've had an ally to help you keep your WW and her WH in check. Not saying that your wife wouldn't have gone back and cheated with him or any other scumbag, but since she OBS didn't know, she wasn't able to help you.

Now, I understand that your attorney counseled you not to expose the affair and that is the legal advice given your situation, you should certainly follow that advice. Have you moved to getting your wife served and getting her out of your life as quickly as possible, because truly, the OBS deserves to know? Everyday she lives is a lie. She likely knows deep down inside that there is something wrong, but she has probably been so by her husband that she is doubting her own instincts these days.

Myself - BH & WH - 35 years (05/24/1985)Her - BW & WW - 34 years (05/25/1986)<P>D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 237   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8740015
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 LeavingSoon (original poster new member #80373) posted at 9:02 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

I didn't know she cheated the first time for 4-5 years - she hid it well. I only found out when she started the affair with the same person for the 2nd time 2 years ago.

It's a little more complicated with him as he is Muslim and can have up to 4 wives. He would have set the expectation with OBS that he would be taking on 3 more wives so I am pretty confident she already knows he is headed in that direction. No hurry exposing that side.

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[This message edited by LeavingSoon at 5:24 PM, Wednesday, June 15th]

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number4 ( member #62204) posted at 9:33 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

I realized I created the environment for her to cheat and was not the man I should have been. I am convinced if it was any other woman in her place, the result would likely be the same, as she wasn't getting the emotions she wanted from me.

This attitude needs to change; you do not have the power over someone else to cause them to cheat or not. It is purely on them. Chances are, whatever her issues are, she would have cheated whether or not you were able to provide the emotional support she needed or not. I would highly suggest you engage in some individual counseling to figure out why you think you contributed to someone else's destructive behavior. That's incredibly co-dependent thinking.

Me: BW
Him: WH
Married - 30+ years
Two adult daughters
1st affair: 2005-2007
2nd-4th affairs: 2016-2017
Many assessments/polygraph: no sex addiction
Status: R

posts: 1032   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2018   ·   location: Southern California
id 8740021
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 10:41 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

It's a little more complicated with him as he is Muslim and can have up to 4 wives. He would have set the expectation with OBS that he would be taking on 3 more wives so I am pretty confident she already knows he is headed in that direction. No hurry exposing that side.

I will admit that my knowledge of Islam is much more limited in comparison to that of Judaism or Christianity, but I've never known a Muslim to have 4 wives. Waywards say a lot of crazy shit and one of the most common lies they tell is that their AP's in a poly relationship and the other spouse knows. Seems like 99% of the time that turns out to be just another lie, because again, your wife's AP is cheating on his wife and your wife is cheating on you, so if it is just a normal part of his faith and would be expected, why not just tell his wife and let her know. If it ain't no thing, she will tell you that. My guess is that he is feeding your wife all kinds of bullshit lies and she just ate it up.

One of the hardest things to get my wife to understand was how much of a fucking con artist her AP was. Dude had spun her all sorts of lies that even I believed initially. I hired a PI who dug into his history and background. Dude had convinced my wife that he was a young single dude and the PI revealed a wife and baby. When I showed my wife what the PI learned, including pictures of the "happy family" out for a walk to the park on a Sunday afternoon, she finally got angry and realized how much she had been used by this clown. The PI delivered the package of information to this guy's wife in person and while I had setup a burner account for her to reach out to about questions or further information I could help her get, I never heard anything. I only felt like a weight was off my shoulders because I feel like I did my duty to a fellow human and let them have their agency. I don't give one wet shit whether they stayed together, divorced or she shot him in the face with her daddy's rifle.

Myself - BH & WH - 35 years (05/24/1985)Her - BW & WW - 34 years (05/25/1986)<P>D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

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 LeavingSoon (original poster new member #80373) posted at 1:22 AM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

I know exactly who the AP is as I used to work with him.

Describing who he is and his background is a waste of space. A complete hyprocrite and a waste of a human life. Says one thing and does another. If I told you his whole story you would be appalled and disgusted - his current marriage is his 2nd marriage. How his 1st marriage ended is all online as they went to court - absolute douchebag for what he did to his 1st wife.

My mistake was not leaving her when the sexless marriage started - that was one of my biggest regrets. But as a result the kids grew up great as she is a great mother and they grew up with the right values. I traded years of sexless marriage for that. She was the best as a mother, better than anyone else I know.

But I'm not staying anymore now that they are all in college. And it's not really about the sex anymore. I know I will get that out of my system in 1-2 years. It's about the freedom to live my life how I want it, without catering to someone who thinks you have to live up to her vision of how life should be lived. I can live MY life, not hers. What's spurring this for me now is I think 10 years in the future and if it stays the same, it will be be a catastrophic mistake on my part. So I have to move on now.

I also know I will get killed financially, but it's only money and I can get that back. it's the time I can't get back as the clock is ticking.

And to the comment about how I shouldn't take any responsibility for the cheating. I disagree. If I don't learn from this, I will set up the same situation for another cheater. You can't always blame others 100%, even if they made their own mistakes. If you take some ownership, you can learn from it, see the patterns in the future and NEVER make the same mistakes again.

I also think counselling is a waste of time (both IC and MC) as the people counselling you are for the most part, more screwed up in their own life than you are.

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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 1:51 AM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

I realized I created the environment for her to cheat and was not the man I should have been.

Brother, you'll do yourself a great favor by ceasing to blame yourself for another's actions. It's natural for humans to examine why they've suffered severe trauma in order to avoid similar traumas in the future. It's how our brains work. Unfortunately, all too often we preclude the possibility that we did nothing at all to deserve or warrant whatever occurred. The vast majority of betrayed spouses go through the same self-doubt, which can lead to self-blame. It's completely fucked-up.

Nothing you ever did or didn't do, nothing you ever said or didn't say, would have stopped your WW from having her affairs. You cannot control people. We all have free will.

I've been a member of SI now for over seven years and I've read the stories of too many betrayed husbands to possibly remember. Some I've come to know better than others, of course. If there's one thing I can say for certain about being (or having been) a betrayed husband is that it doesn't matter one fucking bit how smart you are, or how tall, built, athletic or fat, rich or poor, or anything else, it can happen to any of us and we all are brought low by it.

Stop blaming yourself.

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6545   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 1:53 AM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

Best time to plant a tree is ten years ago.

Best you can do is plant one today.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:55 AM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

It will come out AFTER the divorce is done.

Are you committed to divorce?
I’m fine with that, but then maybe the Reconciliation forum isn’t the correct forum for you. Your call – but this is more focused on reconciliation than divorce.
But then – exposing for revenge is a terrible idea. You expose because stakeholders deserve to know the truth and because exposure kills infidelity.

Muslims allowed four wives? Here? In the USA? No – not any more than fundamentalist Mormons. Polygamy isn’t legal. The wonderful religion of Islam does allow men to have many wives, but also states you need to follow the law of the land – sort of like we quote Jesus as saying "Render unto Cesar…"
Even then – having an affair is not adding a wife. In fact if he’s married then he’s cheating on his one wife – or the other three for that matter. Muslims don’t condone infidelity any more than most other religions.

I have to say that what your wife has offered and the allocation of blame on you for her having to have an affair, added to the emotional distancing and lack of intimacy… I don’t really see what you might be trying to reconcile.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10828   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
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number4 ( member #62204) posted at 4:33 AM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

I also think counselling is a waste of time (both IC and MC) as the people counselling you are for the most part, more screwed up in their own life than you are.

Many people go into the counseling profession because they themselves have been wounded, have healed from that hurt thanks to some sort of mentor or nurturer, and wish to give back to others because it was such a wonderful gift to receive. It's a noble thing to do. Before I retired, I did a form of counseling (hospice work); I knew what my own shit was, and how not to bring it to my relationships with patients. Does it mean I was perfect? No. But my wounds provided me with tools that I wouldn't have had without those wounds. But to write off a whole profession based on a broad generalization is fruitless.

I've also found the ones who are most vehemently against therapy, are the the ones who need it the most. Several of us here have told you there is nothing you can do to control people, and maybe that scares you. I mean, we all wish we could just do the 'right' thing (whatever 'right' is), and that would protect us from being hurt. If you get divorced (and I agree, this doesn't really belong in the Reconciliation forum), before you start dating again, you need to let go of this notion that you have that kind of control over people. Otherwise, you're just going to get hurt again, and likely end up with someone again who is unhealthy.

There's a famous scene in the movie, Good Will Hunting, where Robin Williams character (he's a therapist) has a breakthrough moment with Will, trying to get Will to see that Will wasn't responsible for his childhood abuse. The therapist repeats over and over again that it's not his fault; Will eventually breaks down, sobbing, when he realized he'd been believing a pile of shit over the years about himself. Only when he realized that, was he able to take some positive steps forward in his life.

Me: BW
Him: WH
Married - 30+ years
Two adult daughters
1st affair: 2005-2007
2nd-4th affairs: 2016-2017
Many assessments/polygraph: no sex addiction
Status: R

posts: 1032   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2018   ·   location: Southern California
id 8740078
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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 8:58 AM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

I am convinced if it was any other woman in her place, the result would likely be the same, as she wasn't getting the emotions she wanted from me.

No, that’s not true. The result could have been a request to go to couples counselling or divorce. Not ALL people cheat when starved emotionally, a lot of them will look for change or a (healthy) way out of the relationship.

I’m sorry you’re here, frankly after what you posted I don’t know why you would like to reconcile with your WS. She has been in an affair with the same person for close to 6-7 years, she is still the one that dictates what needs to happen and the rules of the "game" I’m sorry but I would make absolutely no future commitments in your shoes.

Dday - 27th September 2017

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id 8740084
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:19 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

I’m sorry R is not going well.

It doesn’t appear you are actually R, but more like living in limbo.

The only way that ends is when you decide you won’t continue living in a holding pattern. You either decide to D or demand changes from the cheater.

And if the changes do not occur, you put yourself first and decide how to get yourself to a better place.

When you are done, you are done accepting the inaction of the cheater.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12339   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740090
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BellaLee ( member #58324) posted at 11:28 PM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022

Hi @LeavingSoon I'm so sorry you've had to deal with so much in your marriage. The reality is that so much has happened in your relationship, the pain of betrayal, no intimacy, deceit, and blame from both sides.

Honestly from my own experience trying to reconcile and move forward without some form of counselling or mediation or finding a way to address these issues so that you can find the path to healing will probably be hard. I'm guessing this is really why R is not going well...

Do you still love her? Do you think she is sincerely remorse for what she did and if she is, can you find some way to forgive her even if you still take time for yourself to heal.

No one should have to endure a sexless marriage for so long and I can understand how you're feeling.

I do pray the near future beings healing for you and wisdom for the journey ahead.

posts: 213   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2017
id 8740528
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 12:38 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

Please do not blame yourself. It was the first go to position I took. I kept saying to myself, "ISSF, what have you done now, what have you done?" I look back at that thought process and cringe. We were in the same marriage, we had the same good times and bad and yet I didn't sneak around, cheat, and decide it was better to turn to someone else rather than the person to whom I pledged fidelity in good times and bad. There simply is no way for me now to get into the mental gymnastics of thinking his affair was my fault. My hope is you will get there sooner rather than later. You didn't force your WS to do this...no at all.

Your WS owes you...honesty, fidelity, and allegiance to your M. If none of those are happening then your WS is fully to blame. If things are bad your WS has the freedom to make decisions that align with her needs at any given time. But she doesn't have a right to stomp all over you and then blame you for making her stomp. It just doesn't work that way.

What is keeping you from making a decision to move forward?

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2819   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8740592
Topic is Sleeping.
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