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Help! How to turn down a date

frustrated

 Pandora16 (original poster member #56906) posted at 1:36 AM on Saturday, June 4th, 2022

Hi SI folks. It’s been awhile since I posted. I’ve been divorced for almost 5 years from my cheater and I’ve had no interest at all in dating. But I’ve been out in the world, living my best life and making tons of new friends.

The problem is, after a 25 year relationship, I have zero idea of how to deal with unwanted attention. It was convenient when I was married to say "sorry. Married." But now I’ve been asked out by a couple guys who share a hobby sport with me and it’s felt absolutely nerve-wracking to figure out how to decline without causing major issues in having to see these men again. I mean, ideally, I’d love for them to not ask!

So given that I want to continue to be my usual friendly self (trust me that I talk to the ladies in the sport the same as the men) and not make things totally awful awful me awkward, how to I deal with this. I definitely do not want to quit my team.

The reason I am posting today is that the latest guy has a girlfriend! Who I know and like and also is a member of our league. I don’t believe they have broken up, but he has hinted heavily he wants to break up. But y’all know the deal… a cheater will say almost anything to try to seem like a victim of a the "crazy" girlfriend/wife. He also has told me she is jealous of me. I did not need to hear that!

Just for reference to what a social moron I am, I accidentally ended up on a date a few years ago with an 80+ guy because he told me he didn’t want to go to some function alone and wanted a friend to come. And then he made the moves on me.

Anyway, what the fuck do I do? I really need to figure out this stuff better. Who knew I’d be dealing with high school garbage in my early 50s?

[This message edited by Pandora16 at 1:40 AM, Saturday, June 4th]

D-Day #1 12/8/16 (ILYBINILWY), D-Day #2 12/17/16 (admitted to affair)

Divorced: 10/24/17
Married 20 years, together 24, 1 young adult son

posts: 255   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8738587
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Bingo ( member #72835) posted at 2:23 AM on Saturday, June 4th, 2022

Hey, Pandora, I know exactly how you feel. I just recently moved into a retirement community down here in Florida and there is no way that I'm interested in dating anyone.

But, I'm finding out there's a lot of lonely people here. What to do, what to do? I have just decided the best thing is to be totally honest. What I say is "I'm going to have to say "no" but thank you for the invitation".

That may seem curt and maybe even rude to some people but it's so blunt that it doesn't leave any room for further discussion, which makes me happy.

And it's all about us now, Pandora. No more trying to treat someone with kid gloves because we don't want to step on anyone's toes or hurt someone's feelings. Piss on that shit...we're too old for that and we've been through way too much crap.

Well, that's just my advice, babe. Probably not much help... laugh

posts: 135   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2020   ·   location: Indiana
id 8738590
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 Pandora16 (original poster member #56906) posted at 4:43 AM on Saturday, June 4th, 2022

Thank you, bingo. This is good advice. But seems so scary! Lol. It’s funny how I reached this age still worrying about making everyone else feel comfortable.

D-Day #1 12/8/16 (ILYBINILWY), D-Day #2 12/17/16 (admitted to affair)

Divorced: 10/24/17
Married 20 years, together 24, 1 young adult son

posts: 255   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8738599
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 2:10 PM on Saturday, June 4th, 2022

I’ve had no interest at all in dating


I think it helps a little that you are not saying 'no' because it has anything at all to do with the person asking. Ie not your type or whatnot.

Meaning, just be honest. IE Thank you so much for the invite but I am not dating, etc. I guess it they are nosy, they could push you for the reasons WHY you are not dating. In that case, be prepared with something that shuts down their subject. IE "I am not able to discuss it, etc".

PS - I am so glad to see you are out in the world in your NBs with your sport, doing things and just enjoying!

posts: 6749   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8738619
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Bingo ( member #72835) posted at 10:51 PM on Saturday, June 4th, 2022

Yeah, and if they ask you why you're not dating, a short "Because I don't want to" will usually stop most people.

If they continue to question you, maybe a "just shut the fuck up" might work... laugh

posts: 135   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2020   ·   location: Indiana
id 8738674
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 Pandora16 (original poster member #56906) posted at 12:22 AM on Wednesday, June 8th, 2022

Lol, you guys crack me up and give me some more courage to not worry so much about hurting these guys’ feelings. I had a guy friend say leaving any sort of opening for hope is a bad idea. It’s just so hard when you have to be in the same space as them after turning them down.

Thank you for the help. I’m glad I’m not alone navigating this!

D-Day #1 12/8/16 (ILYBINILWY), D-Day #2 12/17/16 (admitted to affair)

Divorced: 10/24/17
Married 20 years, together 24, 1 young adult son

posts: 255   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8739112
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:51 AM on Wednesday, June 8th, 2022

Lol, you guys crack me up and give me some more courage to not worry so much about hurting these guys’ feelings. I had a guy friend say leaving any sort of opening for hope is a bad idea. It’s just so hard when you have to be in the same space as them after turning them down.

I agree with friend and Bingo just be blunt and direct. No, thank you is enough. Persistence has paid off in the past for guys so even a glimmer of hope will lead to more pursuit. The really bad ones will need Bingo's follow on advice. Don't feel bad about doing so. Continuing to pursue is awful behavior. Almost wish you could use Objection:Asked and Answered on them.

posts: 1259   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8739137
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Solarchick ( member #80222) posted at 4:33 PM on Thursday, June 9th, 2022

I took 5 years off. Nothing wrong with it! As a matter of fact, I highly recommend it.

I don't recall being hit on that often during that period of my life, but according to a friend, it was happening more often than I thought and I just missed the cues. But when a man would express interest in seeing me, I would laugh and quite bluntly tell him, "Oh, honey, no. You have no idea what the clowns are doing underneath this circus tent, and for your own protection, it's best if we don't start anything."

So I was clearly not in a place to seriously consider any of the invitations as genuine or sincere. Any suggestion of a date seemed like passing fancies that were half-heartedly tossed out there, and I promptly squashed them. But in the process, however unintentional it was, I put it all on me, and not on them, so that eased the blow while very effectively telling them not to get too close.

Me: BW, too many times to count. 55, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Who cares? He's a dumpster fire shit show. NC since D (with cause) in 2004.D-Day: A very bad day in June 2003. Then July, August...

posts: 51   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8739342
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 8:06 PM on Friday, June 10th, 2022

Seriously though... just a simple "Thank you but I am not dating right now" is fine. You don't owe these people anything and if they are gonna get their undies in a bundle to a polite rejection, that ain't about YOU.

And just adding too - it's a good habit to build IMHO to simply say NO and leave it at that. No further explanation is needed.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3512   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8739674
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