Agreed. Nor should you be the sounding board for OBS. So then, why did this happen?
BSR, here's the issue for me on this topic.
1. I'm not a jealous person.
2. I believe very strongly in one's own agency.
So I'll explain a bit of my journey to now and my current thinking. Ultimately, a big issue I recognize I had throughout my relationship was projecting my viewpoints onto my wife--when she clearly didn't share them.
Early on in my relationship with my wife (before she was my wife), I had a lot of women in my life who were sexually/romantically interested in me. My wife, on the other-hand, was doing the right thing by putting up a wall and avoiding "bad" situations entirely, keeping distance from such people interested in her--she liked me and didn't trust herself not to mess it up.
On many occasions I was in a bad situation being propositioned for sex, etc., and turning it down. I would pass the tests, and I took pride in that (my agency). But I recognized that everyone is as faithful as one's options--so my line and moral structure was good, but I was playing with fire; especially at a time when I didn't yet have a deep love for my wife as we had just started dating.
I decided to cut all those women out of my life to give my relationship the best chance of success. I believed in my moral anchor, but saw the inherent risks I was taking as foolish.
However, if tomorrow you got my drunk and threw me naked in a room with a bunch of horny models, I feel fairly confident I wouldn't cave--and that's now, so forget about before DDay/during my M. Random fun sex isn't the big reward to me that it is for many others. I take pride in my self-control and moral structure--and I value my body and self.
So, if my wife had asked me back in Oct. if she could go to AP's house for dinner one night to discuss PTA stuff, I'd have told her to have a blast. My trust level was absurd because I had that level of trust in myself--it was naive projection.
So now, with my wife traveling for work, I could invite OBS over and make her dinner and have a bottle of wine, knowing how she feels about me, and feel 100% confident I wouldn't have sex with her. That's my agency. I'm in control--not her. She doesn't get to have sex with me because she wants to (something I imagine many women can relate to considering all the men that always want sex from you).
I'm not backing off that position as it's important to me. I can be trusted; my WW can't be trusted. Period.
What I have recognized is that sharing intimate details of my potential recovery with my wife is not mine to share. It's not fair to my WW or my M to let OBS into that world. My WW and I have discussed this and we're on the same page. I do not plan to tell OBS to fuck off if she texts me though--and I never will. I will be kind and supportive--because that's who I am and that's more valuable for me to maintain that aspect of myself than this M.
Bottom-line: If I am down and have an urge to talk with OBS again, I plan to talk with my WW first--if after that conversation, I still want to talk with OBS, I will, but I will keep the ongoings of my WW largely out of the conversation with OBS.
If OBS reaches out to me, like she did on Thursday, I will listen to her and offer helpful support; again, keeping my WW largely out of the conversation.
My position is to be fair to my WW, not jump/react because she is projecting her shitty moral structure onto me. I'm still deeply hurt by her accusations that I was fucking OBS behind her back--it's a big deal to me that she thought that and caving entirely to her irrational madness is not something I'm willing to do.
I know most men that meet my wife want to fuck her--it's on her not to let them. The equivalent behavior for me would be if I told her she is no longer allowed to interact with men because they want to have sex with her. That's insane. So yes, OBS may still want to have sex with me--cool--but it's on my WW to trust me that I won't let that happen.