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Newest Member: Tortex

Divorce/Separation :
Advice for my sitdown...

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 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 7:08 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

Thanks for the responses ChamomileTea and the1stWife.

I have to discuss with my attorney again about the verbal and emotional abuse. I don't know why but he seems out to destroy and make me as miserable as possible while we go through D. His behavior, to me, is erratic at times but as a true narc he says he only behaves that way because of what I do or say or how I treat him. He doesn't seem to understand that he has a choice or he believes he is entitled to act the way he does. I try to stay away from him as much as possible but our 17 year old son still lives with us and I do want to be around him (although he seems to be aligning with his father, which is just heartbreaking and confusing to me). I barely speak to STBXH at all, unless necessary. I stay in a different room or out of the house all together if he is home. He finds a way to harass me by coming into the room I am in, texting or emailing. I save every text and every email. I'd have to take stock in a paper company to print it all out. I don't know how people get through this with IHS. He claims he wants to be away from me as soon as possible because he can't stand me and doesn't want to be near me, then says he can't wait to go to trial because he has all this evidence to present to make sure I don't get as much as I think I will get (trial will take YEARS - not exactly getting away from me as soon as possible). He contradicts himself all the time. And recently, he said that I need to understand that not everything he says is true - just mind blowing that he lies to get his way and actually admitted it. I just don't know what to believe anymore so where he is concerned, I believe nothing.

I am taking my therapist's advice and rebuilding my life for me. STBXH doesn't figure into it. My son is almost an adult so he will be off on his own soon and I want to have a foundation for starting my life over. Small baby steps, one at a time.

Me: BS - 54 Him: WH - 55 DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA Filed for D 9/2021***************An apology without the action to back it up is just manipulation.

posts: 672   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8740744
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 8:01 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

I have to discuss with my attorney again about the verbal and emotional abuse. I don't know why but he seems out to destroy and make me as miserable as possible while we go through D. His behavior, to me, is erratic at times but as a true narc...

If he is a genuine narcissist, then he wants to destroy out of spite. It's what they do. It's kind of like how you breathe. It's pretty essential to who they are.

I try to stay away from him as much as possible but our 17 year old son still lives with us and I do want to be around him (although he seems to be aligning with his father, which is just heartbreaking and confusing to me).

From my perspective, the hardest part of all of this is when one of the parents tries to get the children involved... and specifically, they try to get the child to pick a side. The good news is that your child is 17 years old and they legally emancipate at age 18 and when their high school class graduates (you might want to ask your lawyer about these details; this is true in my location and probably true throughout the USA... but it might vary from state to state).

Anyway, in my opinion, your best approach to something like this is... to ignore all of the crap from your STBX and to focus on being a good parent with your child. You still do all of the "rules" things, like brush your teeth, do your homework, clean your bedroom (or whatever), etc. You continue to raise him as a decent human being.

Almost always, kids figure it out and they understand (eventually) who was a good parent versus who was not. I have several friends whose parents got divorced when they were kids and they picked parent#1 when they were young and didn't know better, but as adults... they realize that parent#2 was the loving/caring/actual-parent that they needed.

To phrase this differently, my goal as an alienated parent... is to make sure my kids love me when they are 22-25 years old, not now.

I barely speak to STBXH at all, unless necessary. I stay in a different room or out of the house all together if he is home.

Fantastic. This is the best that you can do.

He claims he wants to be away from me as soon as possible because he can't stand me and doesn't want to be near me, then says he can't wait to go to trial because he has all this evidence to present to make sure I don't get as much as I think I will get (trial will take YEARS - not exactly getting away from me as soon as possible). He contradicts himself all the time. And recently, he said that I need to understand that not everything he says is true - just mind blowing that he lies to get his way and actually admitted it. I just don't know what to believe anymore so where he is concerned, I believe nothing.

My guess is that he is trying to intimidate you and trying to get you to like him and trying to control you, all at the same time. The trick is to avoid flinching when he says all of this stuff (grey rock, yo!).

But, pay attention to everything that he says. Specifically, look for contradictions in what he says. If it goes to trial, you can point out this contradictions and they will help you erode his credibility.

Honestly, you seem like you are doing very well with this difficult situation. This is really hard and you will make mistakes... mostly, though, you need to stay calm and do the right thing. The biggest mistake that you can make is to freak out and do something stupid that will make you look bad (like screaming at him in front of your child or slashing his tires... basically, don't do anything described in the song "When he cheats").

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5295   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8740752
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:54 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

You know he will say and do anything to annoy you or hurt you.

He does t hs e control and dies t like losing control so he does the only thing he can - seek to destroy anyone and anything he can.

Ignoring him is the best thing you can do. It takes the wind out if his sails because narcs HATE to be ignored.

Don’t let him have any power or control of your life to the best if your ability. I know it’s easier said than done.

You are on the right path - preparing for the D and realizing one day you will free.

Prayers for you! We know how hard this is.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12289   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740760
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 9:12 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

Oh (((BetterTimesAhead))) sending hugs IHS with a Narcissist was one of the hardest battles I have ever gone through. It literally felt like I was fighting for my life.

I was using gray rock method the entire IHS and if he ever tried to start arguments I would leave immediately. Even now 2 years after leaving him he still tries to contact me through whatever means necessary. It's tough with kids as the narcissistic parent tries to outdo the other parent and point out their flaws (at least this is my experience with my ex narc WS). There were times my kids would align with him and it did hurt and was confusing, but as more time has gone by they are noticing his behavior and how it affects them.

I hope that your IHS is not too much longer. The peace of mind when you are finally away from them is heavenly. I value my alone time and self care in such a way it is going to take a really special person for me to let them in on that space. Blessings!

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
Was Married 19 yrs
DD(19) DS(16)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8290   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8740765
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 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 10:29 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

Thank you Barcher144. I don't feel like I'm doing great. I feel like I am falling apart. My son spends so much time with his father and it worries me how his father is influencing him. Whenever he has a choice, he chooses his father. His father counter parents at every turn. But I do what I can. I think you have the right idea to continue to raise him to be a responsible, healthy, independent adult even if he doesn't like me much right now because I am the strict one, the one who enforces the rules, the one who says no.

I appreciate the prayers The1stWife. Sometimes I don't know if there's much more I or anyone can do. It is so difficult not to defend myself when he attacks and hurls insults and lies at me, but I try to remind myself I don't care what he thinks or believes or tries to make me believe. What I worry about is what he is making my son believe about me. Then I remind myself I have no control over that either so I just have to continue to be a good person, a good mom and lead through my actions and good example. Maybe my son will notice and pick up even a little bit of truth from me.

crazyblindsided, that is exactly what it feels like. You never know what will set them off or when they will start in with you. I do try to grey rock and when I do he just keeps coming. He keeps saying how I'm not answering because I don't have a leg to stand on, because I'm a liar, because he's right and because I don't communicate as well as I claim, etc etc. He is spiteful yet of course says he's not. He still expects me to act like a wife and thinks he can tell me to do something and I should do it. No amount of explaining makes him understand. Truly a living hell. When he leaves the house I can feel some peace wash over me, yet still anxiety because I never know when he will be back. I just keep hoping D is done soon and I can be away from him for good.

Thank you all for your support. This can be a very lonely journey at times.

Me: BS - 54 Him: WH - 55 DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA Filed for D 9/2021***************An apology without the action to back it up is just manipulation.

posts: 672   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8740773
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 6:48 PM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

I barely speak to STBXH at all, unless necessary. I stay in a different room or out of the house all together if he is home. He finds a way to harass me by coming into the room I am in, texting or emailing. I save every text and every email. I'd have to take stock in a paper company to print it all out.

At a certain point, that kind of abuse takes a toll on your health. I think I'd take all that saved evidence to my attorney and see if it's enough to file for exclusive use of the home until the divorce is settled. It's a horrible way to live, just waiting all the time for some sort of abuse to be piled on your head. It's bound to create headache, stomach trouble, muscle pain, and even blood pressure problems. Our bodies and our minds are inexorably connected and if this guy wants to take YEARS going the long haul, what kind of shape will you be in by then? The beauty of divorce is that it allows you to remove a toxic person from your life. Why should you wait YEARS for that to happen? Talk to your attorney about expediting the process so that you can get into a situation where this guy isn't abusing you on the daily anymore.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 6:50 PM, Saturday, June 18th]

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5742   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8740852
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gmc94 ( Guide #62810) posted at 7:38 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

You may not be up for this (and if that's the case, PERFECTLY understandable), but you may want to try and hold your ground and practice detachment and ignoring him. If you are cooking in the kitchen and he comes in a spews his crap, put in your earbuds and listen to music and ignore him. If you are watching TV, let him come in and spew whatever and ignore him. The point is that you don't leave, but you DO ignore/gray rock. It's hard. If he asks about kids or finances, answer factually (why yes, our son is at the store... or you'll have to take that up with your attorney or whatever). It's OK to say - I'm doing something else right now, so if you'd like to talk about x, I'll be available in about 30 minutes (or tomorrow or whenever).

For me, the "goal" would be to stand my ground, firmly, and EMOTIONALLY DETACHED from his particular form of crazy. Basically, stand your ground w/o engaging. A bully might work pretty damn hard to goad the other into engaging (name calling - you b*tch!, being the victim - so you won't speak to me now?, or any other DARVO technique). IF your attorney says it's legal to audio or video tape w/o the other's consent, I'd basically keep my phone on record whenever we are in the same room. IMO, evidence of the actual tone and demeanor can be very effective.

May not be doable - and that's ok. But if you are able to test it out, it may feel empowering. Could set him off (like some bullies), or he could move on to something else (like other bullies). I also gotta wonder if your son seeing you stand up has the potential to be a teaching moment. Maybe not - only you know your situation and the nuances and dynamics at work.

And I do agree with Bigger, in that the lawyers and the court spend their entire days dealing with one family after another, and can be pretty emotionally numb.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3824   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8741092
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