I look at it this way, if it was done once, and the person is truly sorry, willing to NC the AP, I say give them a chance. But you have to be convinced the regret is sincere and full. If you can't feel that way, and it's just a hopium ride, then R probably won't work.
I think this is the key point. There are indeed instances of R happening. If you read around and look at posts from WS's on these forums that have successfully R'd you can start to spot patterns that they all kinda stick to.
Some of those aspects of WS's who have successfully R'd...
-go and STAY NC forever and ever from their AP
-display sincere remorse
-show openness and honesty and they don't keep secrets from their BS
-show willingness and active engagement in discussions about the A
-support their BS's healing in ANY way they possibly can
-seek out resources from anywhere they can to understand their actions and to understand the damage they have done to their BS/M/families - this includes (but is not limited to) joining SI, reading every book they can get their hands on, listening to podcasts, reading blogs, etc. There are SO many resources out there that are free for the taking. And side note: they will also read and consider things their BS wants/needs them to without having to be constantly nagged and prompted to do so.
-get into IC or seek out IC ON THEIR OWN to help them deal with the fallout from the infidelity
-own their shit and the consequences of their decisions, even if that means getting divorced, because they understand that sometimes that is what their BS needs in order to heal.
-show initiative in dealing with the A
They do not:
-blame-shift and do tit-for-tat mental gymnastics to justify why they have cheated on their spouse
-STAY IN CONTACT AND CONTINUE TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL BEHAVIORS WITH THEIR AP
-continue to lie and be dishonest in their actions
-avoid uncomfortable discussions about the A
-deny their BS their feelings and room to process the A
I want you to really think about that. What of ANY of that list has your ww done? What on the do not list HAS she done?
Really in my time on SI, the WS's who have successfully R'd, and even the ones that have ended up D'd but stick around here - the bottom line is that they were willing to do literally ANYTHING for their BS in order to fix things.
ETA: True, sometimes it takes a WS a bit to 'get there'... but the truth of the matter is your ww has had a YEAR and hasn't even TRIED. She continues to blame YOU for this. She continued contact and having sex with her AP.... She has not even started to remove her head from her ass yet, and frankly doesn't really seem to care to try.
Like I said in my previous post, man I get the allure DJK. I get it 1000%. I did it too. But until and unless SHE is willing to do the work and start to fix HER, not one diddly damn thing will change. She can paint all the pretty pictures she wants, but they are an illusion unless she actually works to make them a reality. I know how hard that is to see and realize.
[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 2:52 PM, May 14th (Friday)]