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Pregnancy and adultery

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 Stuckinarutt (original poster new member #75876) posted at 11:01 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

My gf and I were having some problems two years ago and were in the process of separating but out of the blue (unplanned pregnancy). So I manned up and now have the most awesome little boy that has changed my world.

Two years later we still had trouble, one weekend we had a fight, she went to the lake district and came back saying that she'd met a guy and would probably like to start dating him ( but I'm sure something happened). We patched up but still lived separate.

Now another unplanned pregnancy (that's four unplanned pregnancies she's had in her life). This was on a Wednesday, I suspected it was intentional, she blammed the pill she was on didn't work while breast feeding but I didn't buy it. To be fair to her, I was pretty unexcited and unemotional, I felt I was intentionally trapped. Friday comes along, I look after the kids coz she wants to go to her friends house.

Low and behold - comes back tuesday we have an argument and she confessed to catching up with this guy again, they spent the weekend together, gave me a load of crap like, he wants to love me, has been rubbing my tummy telling me how much he could love the baby, they had sex, went to the markets, met his friends and all this was because I didn't want her.

BACKGROUND - she has PTSD and so does he, that's their common theme.

I'm now in a situation where I told her, it wasn't true and I did want her. She broke down and begged for forgiveness. (She has promised absolutely no way the kid is the other guys and offered a paternity test etc.)

SO.... I'm now in this absolutely mucked up situation where I took her back but I feel my dignity is gone. I actually went to see a counselor coz it has just stuffed my head up so much, I don't want to risk just losing it and hurting someone or myself.

What the hell do I do? I think I'm manning up by taking care of my boy and the unborn child however she has openly said, if we split up she will date this guy as she doesn't want to feel alone during this pregnancy.

Doesn't feel like she is committed but maybe that is her PTSD.

Do I stay or do I go? I'm just so lost.

I have an awesome relationship with my boy, I do shift work so see him 4 days on 4 days off, we hang out all the time. But with a newborn that I don't live with I wont form that bond, as babies need mothers nearby.

I'm scared for my boy with a new guy that is mentally unstable. I'm scared I wont have a strong relationship with my unborn child.

It will break my Mothers heart, who was intended to fly and visit us when baby was born.

I feel like I'm on an episode of Jerry Springer and not a funny one, just a screwed up mess.

She's even telling me this was all because I don't validate her feelings ( sometimes maybe true but certainly I do a lot, living with someone with PTSD isn't easy) and if I don't work, I will loose her to this guy.

So it's like she just wants ANYONE.

At the moment I want to try for the kids sake not for hers. TBH if there was no kids or only just one, I'd be off. But feel the need to man up and 'do the right thing' but I'm not sure what the right thing looks like anymore.

[This message edited by Stuckinarutt at 5:07 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)]

posts: 2   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2020
id 8610109
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beenthereinco ( member #56409) posted at 11:17 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

Hi stuckinarutt,

You certainly are stuck in a rut but you can get yourself out of it. I am sorry you are here but you need to be here. There are a lot of people that will come along with advice. Listen closely even if it hurts a bit because I've got to say right off the bat, you've done a lot of things wrong.

The first and most important thing is that you need to look inwardly a bit here, a counselor might help, to understand why you are so willing to accept so little from your partner. You're being dealt a really shitty hand and you seem to be willing to take it. Why? Why do you not feel like you deserve more? I've got to say you need to get a little more self-esteem. Find your own worth here and value yourself a bit more. There is no way you should be accepting of so little respect in your life.

I'm a little confused by this whole thing because it isn't clear to me that your WGF even wants to be with you. She is basically holding over your head that this other guy is right there waiting for you to do one thing wrong. That is no way to live. If she wants this guy you should let her go to him. I would do a paternity test on your son. She has a history of unplanned pregnancies and you were splitting up at the time. Are you really sure he is your child? Don't tell me how he looks just like you. That is no way to tell. I wouldn't take a bet on his being your son nor on the current one she is pregnant with. You really do not know.

If he is your son then are you on the birth certificate? If so don't just assume you will disappear from his life. You have rights as the father and if you are willing to also take on your responsibilities to the child you can assert those rights. I would get with an attorney, explain this whole situation and proactively start working on what you can do to establish a fair custody arrangement.

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
id 8610113
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BigNoob ( member #75807) posted at 11:23 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

Absolutely DO NOT marry this girl. Please get a paternity test before you sign any forms for the unborn child do not get attached to this child without a paternity test.

1. How far away does this man live?

2. How often has she gone out to see him?

3. Does she still communicate with him?

4. Does she see a IC for her PTSD?

Not sure where you live but I would talk to a lawyer regarding custody in case things don't work out.

and if I don't work, I will loose her to this guy.

Disgusting. Please do not play the pick me game she is not worth it if that is her mentality. If a girl with serious issues said this to me I would probably laugh and wish her luck finding a guy that can take care of her issues.

She's even telling me this was all because I don't validate her feelings

Relationship/marriage us 50-50. Cheating/adultery us 100% on her. What happens when she has other issues down the road and you cant validate her? She is going to keep on sleeping with the same OM or find new OMs down the line. Get a paternity test on your current child as well as the unborn child before you sign any forms.

[This message edited by BigNoob at 9:18 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)]

posts: 207   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2020
id 8610114
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 11:25 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

Brother you should extricate yourself from this horrible situation, get tested for STDs (yes she's been playing russian roulette with your health) and dump this proven serial cheater and liar. Do a paternity test with all your children just for verification purposes, did I mention cheaters lie ? yes A LOT !!!. RUN !!! don't walk !!!

posts: 2443   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8610116
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 Stuckinarutt (original poster new member #75876) posted at 12:02 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

Yeah thanks everyone, I hear you all.

I was only wanting it to work out for my little boy, trying to maintain a family unit for him and potentially loosing him 50% of the time.

I know what I have to do.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2020
id 8610122
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 12:24 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

Totally irrespective of if you find a way to work on this relationship or decide to terminate it I am going to – in the strongest way possible – encourage you to do a paternity test on the unborn child.

The timeframe you describe is too tight to eliminate the OM as a possible father. By all means accept your responsibilities IF the child is yours.

Do some research on paternity-law and assumed paternity in your area (mention Lake District – UK?). In most areas common-law relationships might lead to an automatic paternity assumption. Be clear on everything you do from now on and the impact it might have on you being assumed the father. You want paternity PROVED!

Could this relationship be saved? Yes. If both you and she were willing to do the work. It becomes more of an issue of if this relationship should be saved. Separate and chances are you will be OK within 12-18 months. Possibly sooner if the OM moves into her life. Reconcile and it’s 2 years of work ahead. Work that can be well worth it, but still pretty hectic work.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9906   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8610124
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oldtruck ( member #62540) posted at 12:35 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

she appears to be a serial cheater. she needs IC to break this

habit.

because of all this cheating all the children need DNA

paternity tests.

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8610126
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 1:36 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

You have made good intentioned and caring choices. I'm in agreement with you. It's wrong that she cares only for her own self gratification. Mr. Just met him five minutes ago will not be the answer to all her troubles. He's not going to be the father those children need.

She needs to look hard at her future. She can't jump from man to man forever. Can she be grateful for what's good? I'm not saying you two have to stay together but she needs to figure this out. She needs to stop and put these kids first.

I think you can have a great life but it's impossible to do that with an unpredictable, selfish partner. If she continues on with this Self absorbed viewpoint you will never have peace.

Holding this guy over your head is wrong. Love is never tied to an 'or else'. We want the best for each other and give of ourselves. This is what you are showing with your love for your child. She needs to follow your example.

It's a tough situation but stand on what you know is right and tell her plainly how you feel. She doesn't get to use you like this.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2247   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8610139
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GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 6:32 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

You do realize that she never stopped seeing him, right?

posts: 2648   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8610172
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BigBlueEyes ( member #71441) posted at 7:20 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

Yeah I’m afraid I’m with Golden on this, honestly what makes you think he’s not been a part of this since the beginning?

I don’t think you know everything at this point,

Do not do the pick me dance, you’re the catch not her. She’s a proven liar & a cheat, she’s not special!!

Me- BW, 47
Multi Dday's,
DB A's x 2 BFF
Multi ONS's, Online shit.
Serial cheat, Abuser,
D 18.02.20
Stay strong, just because it’s hard today, doesn’t mean that next week it won’t get easier!!

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: A tiny dot in a big 'ol World
id 8610175
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Westway ( member #71747) posted at 3:17 PM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

Are you sure your little boy is yours? Are you sure the unborn is yours?

DO NOT sign that birth certificate until you get a DNA test done on the new baby. Get a DNA test done on your boy to make sure he is yours.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8610240
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Michigan ( member #58005) posted at 5:06 PM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

Are you sure your little boy is yours? Are you sure the unborn is yours?

Westway

You can but a DNA kit at almost any drugstore. Just swab the inside of your cheek and the kids. Then you send the kit to a lab.

Your gf has a great deal. Many woman want kids but can’t find a stand up guy willing to share the burden. Many also like the freedom to date.

She can live the single life and anytime she wants a kid with an accessory dad she can just get knocked up by you.

I hope she at least she had the common decency to stop having sex with her current boyfriend to make sure that the kids is yours. She might have found out she was pregnant and then called you over.

EDIT:

I know you love your little boy and it doesn’t matter to you if he is biologically yours or not. Given that, the only reason not to test him is that you don’t trust yourself not to look at him differently.

This is important: You’re not testing your son. He will always be your son. You’re testing your gf. If she already deceived you it’s more likely that she did it again.

The singer Naomi Judd gut pregnant in high school and didn’t know which of two guys was the father. So she picked the guy with the best future to be the dad.

If you were pregnant wouldn’t you pick the most stand up guy of all your boyfriends to be the father?

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:48 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)]

posts: 580   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2017   ·   location: Michigan
id 8610284
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Apparition ( member #75755) posted at 5:18 PM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

You can but a DNA kit at almost any drugstore. Just swab the inside of your cheek and the kids. Then you send the kit to a l

I have my own problems, but I can say that affirming your parentage is essential, otherwise there will be a dark cloud of uncertainty following you. That is something that is easily dispelled and this goes for the new pregnancy. We had an extended family member that took a 23andMe for fun and it exposed that he was not the his father's son and that his deceased mom had a mystery affair. It's a tale as old as time, but its now it's easily uncovered information.

Information is power, truth is sets us all free. Head up, chest out, shoulder's back, and good luck my friend.

Me: BH
Her: WW (expert serial cheater)
Status: Divorcing

posts: 220   ·   registered: Oct. 28th, 2020
id 8610290
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PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 6:30 PM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

Staying with someone for the kids when you were already planning to break up? To me, that's just kicking the can further down the road. If you were already going to break up, kids aren't going to make things better, as you have already found out.

Sometimes, none of our choices are ideal, so pick the one that hurts the least. You cannot control who she dates in the future. You CAN control having a good relationship with your unborn child and your son who is already here. Divorced parents still see their kids! Push for 50/50 custody so you get as much time as she does.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in a relationship that you had already planned to end, that sounds like it isn't bringing you satisfaction?

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 3 years) & DBF (dating 2 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 711   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8610326
Topic is Sleeping.
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