Thanks for taking the thanks to reply me. Appreciate it.
Hey man, we are all in the shit together, you're welcome.
I can't trust my WW as well. Since discovering the affair and all the lies that came with the territory during which... it's traumatic to say the least. To make matters worse, she outright, very blatantly, without remorse, lied a few more times during the 4 months after D-Day.
Dude, I'm right there with you - I over heard my wife on the phone with her AP telling him that he's the only thing that makes her happy and that if she stayed with me it'd be for 6-8 years of a sexless marriage (I guess my needs don't matter). I confronted her about this and she said that she meant he made her happy sexually.
Yeah, that helps, okay, were cool. LOL, the fuck was she thinking?
I was very wrongly being patient and kind to her post D-Day and she took advantage of it, took me for granted, and ended up treating me as a doormat. Trust me I have resentment issues from that period of time, for her, and for myself - for "enabling".
I've probably been nicer than I should have, however I've started the divorce process and I have not wavered from it at all. I'm in VA, so the process is slow, but it marches on. I suggest you do the same. Then if you stumble and 'enable her' or whatever, you are still on your path for getting out of this shit hole of Hell.
It was only since Jan this year before she snapped out of her self-entitled shit and is now pledging to work on herself, work on us, promising to make amends for as long as it takes, wanting to regain my trust and love, etc etc.
So.. time will tell if she ever deserves any kind of trust or forgiveness from me.
Honestly dude, I don't know - in my opinion you might be caught up in 'winning her back'. You might be caught up in the fantasy that things will go back to normal. They will not. If you stay with her you are in for years of Hell.
Now, if you feel it's worth it, that you can trust her, then go right ahead.
I know this. Especially since I've lived my life with a strong moral compass, always having high expectations of myself to be a "good guy", I know for a fact that dipshit has got nothing on me character wise.
Then what else matters? Everything else is ephemeral.
But is this the only coping mechanism I have as a BH? To attempt to overlook/ignore how he is physically superior than me? I'm just asking because I know it's not something to focus on, but as men, I figured this might resonate amongst some of you here - how the "comparison" issue can be a big obstacle.
No, not at all. Look at it this way, there are tons of people who are physically superior to both you and I - this isn't a contest. The most physically superior person doesn't get the best wife or the best life or whatever. It's not you versus him and if your wife is making you feel that way, then you choose NOT to be with her because that's bullshit.
That's monkey branching - finding the best partner at the time and then moving on when you perceive a better one coming along. Does such a mindset foster deep love? No, because you are always holding out for something better.
IF THAT'S what you think of your wife, then you need to ditch her. Seriously. This will haunt you - it's not about him, it's about her.
Sorry for causing the misunderstanding here. When I said she wasn't pushing, I meant she isn't pressuring us to have sex because she knows the demons that plague me. She understands how difficult it is for me and how I might not be able to do it. She's been very keen, very eager, very patient in the bedroom past the last couple of months (after coming out of the "fog"). Prior to that, it was bad.
Okay that sounds good - I wouldn't expect sex to be great right after such a massive betrayal.
She is trying to say all the right things now - that he's not "better" than me. That she wants me, not him. She doesn't think of him or miss him at all, esp not during sex. She is trying to reassure me, trying to somehow rebuild my confidence and self-esteem.
My wife tries to say the right things now, to get me to stay. Saying shit doesn't matter. It's her actions. You need to emphasize this to her and make her understand that she needs to reassure you by doing more than just talking about it. I'm not suggesting just sexual stuff - I'm saying stuff in general to make you feel appreciated, desired, respected, and loved. This is so much more than just sex.
But we are both failing badly at mitigating my "comparison" issues. I know I'm inferior, in terms of equipment size. How the hell can I not feel so, when she had an affair?
Dude, you are not inferior. Is she able to have orgasms with you? I would guess yes. I would guess that this isn't about dick size. You can wow her through variation, technique, and a whole host of other things. Be adventurous. Be different. Try out your fantasies - try out hers.