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I truly don’t know why he cares if someone’s penis is bigger than his or can last longer sexually.

It matters to him bc he doesn't want you to have sex with him and then be thinking to yourself that you wish you were with AP instead bc he's better. That's how guy's minds work.

I did tell my husband the sex with the AP was better. But only because he asked me. He asked graphic, minute details about every single part of the sexual encounter. Down to penis size and breadth; down to the approximate length of each act...he wanted to know everything. He wouldn’t settle for vague answers; he said he needed me to be thorough. Everything I read on SI echoed in my mind,” No trickle truth. Tell them the truth. Even if it hurts. Don’t lie; don’t minimize.”

In all these other people’s situations it seems spilling the truth helped them proceed toward R. In my case I was honest like everyone says you’re supposed to be, and it just made things worse. It makes me sad. I truly don’t know why he cares if someone’s penis is bigger than his or can last longer sexually. But he does care, and it doesn’t matter if I don’t understand it.

It matters a TON to most men, that much I can tell you. The "bigger" thing will be an ego blow, that's something that we all just have to get over. I'm sure my W has had "bigger" before me (claims the AP wasn't, but, if he was, yes, I would want to know and yes, it would bother me). But the "better" thing, man alive, that would kill me. Yes, I think you did the right thing by telling him, but, now, you have to do the right thing and make sure your H is better. Whatever that means, new acts, guiding him to bring you more pleasure, toys.. Whatever it is, you have to make sure your most "mind blowing" sexual experience is with your H, not the AP, and then tell him that. Don't lie about it, make sure it happens and then tell him how you feel.

GoldenR nailed it, when he sleeps with you he's imagining how much more you enjoyed it with the AP. I do that all the time today with my WW, and she's never told me "he was better", if she had, I'm sure it would be even worse. I just work differently (and most men do, I would argue), for a lot of women, sex isn't all that important, you'd marry someone you had lackluster sex with because you loved them and they provided other things to the relationship. Men generally would not, if the sex sucks with someone, I would typically move on (dating) because it's so important to me. And I believe that many men feel this way, so hearing that from you makes him think "she has one foot out the door" because that's what he'd feel like if sex with someone else was so much better.

The situation that women often have to deal with that may give you better insight, imagine your husband couldn't get an erection with you, and you found that during his A, he was able to "finish" a few times a day with her. Or that you couldn't bring your husband to orgasm orally but the AP did it in 30 seconds. Or that he told you how tight her vagina was compared to yours. I'm not blaming you for any of this, in fact, I'm in awe of what you did by telling the truth; that's always the right answer, and I'm very supportive of you doing that. But, those comparisons I used above, those are the things that are running through his head every time he has sex with you. Up the intensity with your H, make him your best somehow, and he'll start to feel better. Whatever that means to you 2 as a couple; but, let me promise you, there is a way to have an orgasm with your H that makes the one had with the AP look like a sneeze. You just have to find it (without getting to graphic, I'd suggest things like incorporating power play/bondage/submission, that a typical female fantasy and leads to very strong orgasms, adding toys during the act, incorporating anal into sex, etc). But they exist, I can promise you that, and you can have the "best" orgasm ever with your H if you work to find it together.

Hello ASCL,

Please take time to read Not "Just Friends" by Glass from the Healing Library. It taught me so much. I wonder if you and your AP were in an EA long before the sex. For him to have kissed you he could have felt a vibe from you for that some kind of approach was OK.

For me the distance to the first kiss was much longer than the the distance to sex. Getting to the sex was a relatively tiny leap.

If you're anything like me you still pine for the AP. That's a really hard part.

I wish you success on your journey. Between all the cultural differences you are dealing with, your job struggles and your son's needs you have a really full plate.

I've been checking this a couple times a day hoping for an update. I hope and pray everything is OK and that you're just busy having a great time with your son. Because your last post indicated that BH was late bringing him and that concerned me.

Hoping this finds you believing that everything matters again in your life.

Peace.

Josie P, thank you for checking in.

I ended up deciding to just pop up at my (former) house that day as my husband never answered the phone nor responded to any of my texts. He has asked me not to show up there unannounced and I have tried to respect his wishes, but with him running late (which is very out of character for him) and then not being responsive via phone or text...I got worried.

Maybe it's my paranoia, but I feared that maybe he had done something to himself. Or maybe he had gotten in a car accident or something. My anxiety was sky high. I wasn't trying to infringe upon his privacy, but I just wanted to see with my own eyes that he was all right. Just to be sure.

He was all right - but he wasn't all right. And I found out he hasn't been going to IC in the last few weeks, though he has been taking our son to IC.

It's a long, depressing story. I will elaborate later on; right now I'm still trying to figure out what to do. Psychologically he seems to be regressing. I'm sure the holidays aren't helping. All the happy families everywhere while our family is blown apart...my brother is out of town for work for a few weeks and my mother is on a cruise. It's just me - and I guess my in laws, but I am hesitant to drag them into this and further widen the rift between my husband and I even more.

I guess maybe things get worse before they get better...or maybe that's just wishful thinking.

Thank you for thinking of us.

Stay strong. Remember you're far from the only person and people dealing with these things. People survive and you all will too, however it shakes out.

I've been following your story because you remind me of my wife and our story. Things are okay for us now but it took a long time.

I feel for you so much ASCL. I’m always hoping for the best outcome of everything. It’s why I love romance movies...except Nights in Rodanthe....that love story sucked. He has proclaimed he still loves you, where there is love there is a a way. Somehow he has to figure out how to heal himself if he’s not letting you help. You should explain to him why you cried that night. I know you said you tried but maybe a letter? I think it would help him. I agree with Rideitout somehow, someway you gotta make him feel like a sex god in bed. It really sad that men and women are so different in that area. I’m here for you ASCL. I’m praying for you that you get the fairytale ending and sending you lots of hugs!

ASoCalledLife,

I just wanted to say that I know how hard it is to tell all the embarrassing details of your affair. It's so painful. I know, from what you've said that your BS insisted on every detail. I think you're so brave. I'm thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

And most importantly for SI Class of 2017, the year is about to end!

Here's for 2018 being a better year in which we all work on picking up the pieces, however they may ultimately fit together.

I need help and advice.

I apologize in advance if I don’t express myself well here. I’m trying. But I’m very frazzled right now and trying to make sense of things.

I’m trying to be respectful of my husband’s need for distance while also contuing to work on myself and to show him that more than anything I want our marriage to work. The last several months have been difficult to say the least; sometimes there seems to be progress and hope; other times things look pretty dismal. Right now things seem to be in a downward cycle. He said he wants a divorce; he asked me to leave our home; he wants primary custody of our son. I want none of those things, but it’s not about what I want. His happiness is of critical importance to me, and I know none of this is easy. I am not going to be a thorn in his side and cause him more pain.

But.

It’s not just the two of us that are involved here. That’s his son, but it’s my son too. I’m not a perfect person by any means, but I’m not a bad mother. I don’t give myself compliments easily and I have a hard time receiving them; they make me uncomfortable. But I’m not being complimentary right now; I’m being factual. My son is my entire world. He is my everything. I may have failed at many things in life, but not him.

I want more than anything for my marriage to work. I want to be a family again. To even consider the alternative - right now I cannot. But right now, he hasn’t filed. He seems uncertain about going through with an actual divorce, which gives me hope. However, while we are in this strange informal separation, I have had little access to my son. And I cannot continue this way.

I speak to my son by phone every day, but I’ve hardly seen him since my husband asked me to leave. I’ve gone from being my son’s primary caregiver to being a voice on the phone. It is destroying me.

I was supposed to have my son overnight some days ago. My husband never brought him and never answered my calls. I finally went over there, and my husband admitted to me that he didn’t bring my son because it felt too final and he was having a difficult time that night and was scared to be alone.

I get being scared. But my son needs me, and I need him. It’s perfectly acceptable if my husband feels that being around me is painful for him. I completely respect that even though it hurts, and I will give him as much space as he needs. Whatever it takes; I’m not going to rush him. But I have to be able to see my child. I’m dying inside. A phone call is not being a mother.

I’m trying to be flexible because the holidays are hard period. And this is all my fault; all my doing. But I am also concerned that by being too accommodating I could be setting myself up for problems later. I don’t want to set a precedent where I hardly see my own child. But I fear if I request some type of written or formal agreement for custody and visitation during this period, I could push my husband over the edge, which I don’t want to do by any means.

For those of you who have been in this type of situation, how did you handle things? And even if you haven’t been in something like this, what would you suggest?

I’m not trying to portray my husband in a negative light. He is a loving father and a great person. He knows, and openly admits, that I am a good mom. He would ordinarily never keep my son away from me. I’m not blaming him for this horrible situation I brought into our lives. But I’m a mother. I’m more than just a wayward wife. I need my child, and he needs me.

I'm not a mother, and I can't give any advice for you. I just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts and I really pray for the best for you and your whole family.

ASCL - BS here but I've been down the road of divorce with my first H (my second H is my WS) and I remember the hardship of sharing the children between homes. I also remember my first H threatening to file for custody of the kids. (There was no infidelity in my first M.) It brought me to my knees and I shut down. Then one day I was speaking with my father and telling him that story. He asked me why I didn't stand up for my rights to see my kids and I said it was because the kids had already heard the fight and I didn't want to damage them more. His reply and sage advice was priceless. He told me that I should fight for them right in front of them because they have already heard my XH try to take them. They didn't hear me fight for them. So I took his advice and the next time my XH said he was going to take them, I calmly said, "If you think for one moment our children would be better off without seeing either one of us then you don't have their best interest at heart. They need us and being separated is hard enough on them. We need to be showing them love and not hate." He responded in a way I never expected, he said, "I'm sorry. I will never say that again."

That was the first and last time I ever received acquiescence from my XH but it was the most critical one.

So I think having an honest conversation with your H and letting him know that it is your son that will lose the most in this situation. That is the simple truth. He will get confused while the adults have their war - it will be at his expense. I'm thinking that's not what your H wants at all but the pain of the infidelity is blinding him perhaps similar to the rationalizations that allow an affair in the WS's mind. He needs to realize the truth of his actions even if he is the betrayed one.

I'm not blaming him or anyone at this point. I'm just thinking of your son and his best interest here. He's the innocent one and he has a right to have his world kept as calm and consistent as possible. The two adults in his world can chose to sacrifice for his sake.

Nobody wins in infidelity.

I'm not going to kick your husband because of his feelings. Biggest part of this shit sandwich is that BS is expected to always take the high road, put the kids first....with a person who didn't do the same.

I would suggest using school/daycare/relatives as a transition so he doesn't have to interact with you. Google parallel parenting.

You pick your son up from daycare/school on your visitation days. I would suggest Mon/Tuesday with one of you wed/thurs with the other. Friday/Saturday/Sunday rotates.

Set a specific time to call at night so each parent gets to talk to him daily.

I'm going to disagree that your son is the only victim...your DH is too. He didn't ask for this...and I can tell you I struggled sharing our children with someone who could care so little for their family. Because I struggle with how someone can call themselves a good parent and do this. I also struggle with as I good parent for staying. Am I setting a good example by showing them marriage is hard work, forgiveness, etc? Or showing them that someone can lie and cheat and stay married?

Its excruciating to go back and forth in your heart and in your head.

I would help him to reframe it. Remind him he is struggling and needs some self care. The time that your son is with you is a good time for him to practice self care; exercise, IC, projects around the house, etc. Tell this isn't final. Your not giving up. You want stay married and be a family. You want to be there and support him and this is how you can do it from the parenting aspect.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 7:25 PM, December 31st (Sunday)]

Thank you for your suggestions; they are helpful. I have been scared to try to coordinate a parenting agreement with him because I fear it will seem like I am acquiescing...and I don't want to send that message. But my son deserves both parents. I could have insisted on taking my son with me to my brother's when I was told to leave my home, but I did not do that to my husband. I wanted to show him that I respect his wishes - even though I feel differently about his decision.

But when he told me I had to leave never was it stated nor implied that I would go days and days with no contact with my child aside from a 20 minute daily phone call. My son needs and has a right to have both his mom and his dad in his life. Even if the marriage ends I am still his mother; that's never going to change. Even when my husband was in a very dark place psychologically I never kept my son away (except when my husband was hospitalized) because I believe preserving the father-son relationship is that important.

This is so horrible. I want my husband to know that I am all in and I want to remain his wife - if he will have me. I don't want him to think for one second that I am in favor of us being divorced; I will respect his choice if that's what it comes to, but we are not divorced...we are still married, and I have not given up. It's just hard, because I don't want to force myself on him either. But as we are seldom in communication I don't really have a way to demonstrate to him that I am still doing everything to change that I was doing when we were in the same home: NC with the AP for months, IC, working to change my way of thinking, etc.

I'm just so lost. I am bringing in the New Year alone. I know it's my own fault...I just wish my father was here for me to talk to, to help me do this, help me through this. This is my second New Year since my dad dies - and my first New Year in a decade spent apart from my husband and my son. I just hate this; I hate all of it. I hate it so much.

Anyway, thanks for the kind advice.

You can't control how your marriage goes, but you can control access to your child. You are separated, you need a parenting plan. If you can't talk directly to him for some reason, you may need to involve a lawyer. There is no reason to think you shouldn't have 50% access to your child during this time.

An update:

I’m up and down. Still trying to adjust to my new (but hopefully not permanent) reality. It’s difficult.

But I remain hopeful. Little things. But they mean a lot to me.

First, and most importantly, I contacted my husband about our son. I texted him and told him that I respect that he doesn’t want to see or communicate with me right now, but that we need to make a more consistent and equitable plan for visitation. That I’m willing to go through relatives if he prefers that, or use the school as a pick up/drop off point.

He texted back. He said that because things had been the way they were it was the holidays and a lot was going on, but this isn’t going to be the norm and he is sorry. He also said that it is okay for us to communicate about important things via text and that we are not enemies. And that we will make a better schedule so we both get equal parenting time.

So that’s amazing. And since then there have been a few little things here and there that make me feel a tad bit more optimistic about things.

Here is the most recent. When I spoke on the phone to my son tonight, my son said, “Mom, Dad and I are almost finished with the food. Are you going to make us some more?” (I had cooked up a bunch of food before Christmas for my husband and son and placed them in containers to be frozen and reheated when needed.)

When I took the food over there, the way he reacted I had doubts that my husband would even touch it (because it came from me)...but I was wrong! Not only is he eating what I prepared, he is also giving it to our son. I’m overjoyed.

Unless...this is some way for him to hide our separation from his parents. Because he could easily get his mom to cook for them, but she would want to know why I’m not cooking for them. I have not asked him whether he has told his family that he told me he wants a divorce. But I (hope) don’t think this is the reason.

Even if it is, there are other signs. For example, the other day he (my husband) texted me a few times. Remember he said we could text about important things. Well, IMO these weren’t important things, and I (hope) thing maybe he just felt like reaching out to me. The texts were a little impersonal and hard to gauge his tone, but still! He texted me. And not about life or death stuff either!

In one text he said, “Good morning. I just wanted to let you know that you’re going to need to take your car for an oil change soon. It came up in my reminders and I know how you forget.”

He also texted another time that he had a purse for me from one of his cousins (his cousin and her husband usually go to India for several weeks during the holidays every year, and she typically brings something back for us). He said I could get it next time I pick up my son.

My IC says that I should be cautious not to get my hopes up, but that these might be signs of a possible thaw. But she said it’s too early to know for certain.

I’m trying not to read too much into it. But I can’t lie...my heart is dancing. Maybe it’s nothing. But it could be something...it seems like he’s thinking of me, and not in a bad way. If you’re going to divorce someone would you really be eating their food, looking out for their well-being/their vehicle maintenance, and accepting gifts on their behalf?

Maybe he’s having second thoughts about ending things between us? I pray that is the case...or is this just wishful thinking?

Still no leads on another job. But I’m applying all over the place. I hope something comes up soon. But my husband starts working in just a few days, so that’s good too.

Hi ASoCalledLife

I don't want to get your hopes up but, as a BH I see in what you have shared here,, a man who does still love and care for you. I also know just how deep the sex thing devastates a man, so it will take some time for him to know if the love can ever be enough to bridge that chasm, but in his actions, I see a level of compassion that I never felt again for my XWW after D Day, despite an attempt of 9 months of R.

You are a brave and honest woman ASoCalledLife. I hope that from here on out life holds much joy for you and yours.

Thank you, ohforanewme! I am desperately hoping that maybe, just maybe, things can work out for us. I know these are just small things, but I read them as subtle acts of love. Love that I am not deserving of, but I am so grateful for. He is such a good, compassionate man. Such a rarity in this world.

I think that you are right that the sex aspect is the biggest hurdle, and that scares me. I have read and reread one of your previous posts over and over; in it you describe the negative toll it takes on a man to feel like he is second best. As much as I want this marriage, I don’t want to put my husband through any more pain. I don’t want him to spend even one more day, much less the rest of our married life, feeling as if he is second at anything. He is no consolation prize; he is a loving, responsible, virtuous, intelligent, kind, handsome, virile man.

I love him enough that if a lifetime of being with me would eat away at his psyche and the sex would continue to be a trigger, as much as it would devastate me, I would have to understand and accept that he could not remain married to me.

But to me that would be a worst case scenario. I hope that we can eventually get past this, and I don’t care how long it takes for him to decide. He is worth the wait. I cannot hide that I hope for a specific outcome for our marriage, but I am aware that I sm not entitled to that and will not rush him to make his decision.

Your posts are a pleasure to read, and I appreciate them. I am wishing peace and joy in the new year for you and your loved ones as well. May 2018 be exponentially better than 2017 for all of us!

I love him enough that if a lifetime of being with me would eat away at his psyche and the sex would continue to be a trigger, as much as it would devastate me, I would have to understand and accept that he could not remain married to me.

ASCL,

You have said on more than one occasion that your husband loved you more than you loved him. I have seen in your most recent posts that I believe that not to be true. You love everything about him, even to the point of letting him go if it was meant for his betterment. That is true love, that love is hard to find. It is unfortunate that infidelity brought this into view, but fortunate to help you realize how much you really love your husband. I wish you the best. I'm old school SI, and I will let you know that your actions are those that will make R quite possible. Keep doing what you are doing.

I don’t want to put my husband through any more pain. I don’t want him to spend even one more day, much less the rest of our married life, feeling as if he is second at anything.

This feels like you're saying that even if y'all stay together, that you'll still never like the sex with your H as much as you do with your AP.

If you two stay together, then you need to do everything you can to make the sex with your H the best you've ever had, and you need to let him know it.