SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry for your situation.

Your H is in so much pain as well.

When I received the picture that had my naked wife in the bed i built, with her head in the lap of some naked man, I felt like my life ended.

Perhaps if you would have not stayed the entire afternoon, it might have been easier for your H.

So sorry that both of you are hurting. Glad you are there for your son.

I'm sorry, that's awful. Kuddos for thinking of his pain though....

Sometimes people need space to heal. It happens. Just keep doing what you are doing.

Keep doing the work. Keep showing your husband you're reconciliation material. Don't stop. Many betrayed spouses say they want a divorce. Many mean it. But just as many don't. It's their pain and anger speaking.

I read on here something that is so very true..

"For the first few years, it will be "over" a thousand times, before it's really over...or it's really not."

You've come so very far since your first post. Tell your husband you understand. But that you won't give up on him, the marriage, or your family. That you will continue to love him every day. That you will continue the work.

Big hugs. You matter. You are worthy.

So very sorry.

Your husband's decision is deeply primal, rooted in the evolutionary psyche.

Perhaps IC would have helped; maybe not.

Infidelity is a deal breaker for some. Your husband has a broken heart and he is doing his best to recover. Do your best to take care of you. Focus on getting healthy again for your little guy. He deserves happy and well adjusted parents. You are a strong mama and you will find a way to be there for your kiddo. ((ASCL))

I know how your BH feels at this point in this storm, there is a lot of pain. I realized very early in our recovery that it had nothing to do with me or anything that I did and everything to do with my FWW’s unhealed childhood trauma and FOO issues. You need to keep yourself healthy and keep working on you. It’s possible that your BH will change his mind or decide later that you’re worth reconciliation.

We’re over 2 years from DDay and I feel good about our marriage now and feel like my wife is the best that she can be now. Looking back now, at 6 months to 1 year out, it was pretty painful yet & my FWW felt much like you do, she would get stuck in her own shame and I knew that it wasn’t healthy and that she needed to heal as well I did. I felt like whether we decided to R or D, we both needed to heal to be the best parents that we could be.

Just realize that all you can do is work on yourself, be the best that you can be, for you and you son.

Sounds to me like you finally figured out what love is and that you were/are indeed in love with your husband. Those real remorse feelings don't come from respect or having a good dad. I'm sorry that you figured it out a little late. There is hope. Keep going. One step at a time.

First: Nothing is forever. Second: He is speaking from pain, therefore the primary custody and the now forced separation is a lash out in anger. You need to keep doing the work, and keep the lines of communication open. There are no guarantees in all of this. I come at this from the same perspective as you. My wife kicked me out on valentines day 1988. I had a business that was a money pit, and I started an affair with what I can now politely describe as a pleasant looking head case. I stood to lose everything and I did. In short order, I lost my home, then through her anger, I lost all of our money. I watched as she flushed nearly $100K down the drain, and since my signature was on it, I went personally bankrupt. So there I am, no wife, no life, no money. I spent a week in bed. Barely ate, only left the room to go to the bathroom. The rest of the story is a nightmare. She slept with another guy to get back at me and I reacted violently and nearly permanently. I wanted to cause my wife immense pain. I did. I evened the score so badly that she was left alone with no family, friends or a job. What got us back from this? I knew that she had no money and no place to go to get it. I had successfully destroyed her relationship with her parents. Literally within a week she was homeless. The net result of my bankruptcy, is that I went back to an old employer, hat in hand and begged for my old job. He had been in my shoes, and took me back. (On a per diem basis, at a lot less than I had been making). I showed up at her GF's, unannounced, with a sheaf of cash. We started off going to cafes to exchange money. We started doing this most every night. That turned into dating all over again. We really were not going to our respective places to sleep, we would meet just about every night for dinner, then we'd go out. This became courting all over again. We stayed apart 6-8 months (I was starting to sleep over, irregularly, for about 2 months then moved back permanently). If we could survive the horror that I caused and compounded, then it can be done. Let the pain fade a bit, and keep doing the work. Go live at your brother's for awhile. You will get a better sense of things during or after Xmas. I am not holding out false hope, just stating that emotions are running really high, and he is angry, you are frightened, and really nothing is resolved.

[This message edited by Crazymixedupkid at 8:58 AM, January 30th (Tuesday)]

Like others have said it is not over until it is over. Keep working on yourself. Let your BH see you working on yourself. It is all you can do.

"Let go of the outcome" is a line I hear spouted a lot, and after thinking about it I have concluded that it is a pretty wise way of looking at this kind of dire situation. You cannot control what he does. All you can do is work on your issues and get back to being the woman you should have been.

I am a BS....

What matters is working on making yourself a better you. For yourself primarily and for your son. Whatever happens happens in regards to marriage. but you have a responsibility to be a good mother. And you have life to live still.

It is possible that his "I want a divorce" is just another expression of his pain. Fighting against the mind-movies of you having sex with OM is exhausting and they just keep coming. These thoughts are intrusive - they just pop into his head - and totally destroy his mood and outlook every time they hit. If he is unable to find another way to cope, then divorce might be his only salvation. You should understand that you are a major trigger for his mind movies and by splitting up he will be removing that trigger.

Another key element is his self-esteem. Right now he feels emasculated by what you did and weak for staying with a woman who would betray him like this. Splitting up brings immediate relief because he has taken action to resolve his hurt. He now sees himself as a man who has the balls to walk away from a cheater. He has given you the ultimate consequence so now he can move forward. This is what he believes will happen when you divorce and, at this time, he thinks these things outweigh the negatives.

I think your BH could get a lot of the "benefits" toward healing by separating for a time. Sort of a trial divorce so to speak. During the separation maybe you both discover that divorce is best or maybe he heals enough to want to give reconciliation another try. You will also begin learning about and practicing for co-parenting. Maybe this is something you should talk to him about - it might work.

Thank you, everyone.

This thread makes me cry. That anyone would care enough about someone like me to offer advice and encouragement after what I have done. I don’t even know what to say to express what that means to me.

We tried to have “the talk” with our son last night. His IC helped us with some possible scripts to begin the conversation. But we were both faltering and fumbling. So much so that our son interrupted and said, “Dad, are you sick? Are Mom and I leaving again?” To which my husband quickly replied, “No!” I then piped in that I needed to go to uncle’s for a while but he and Dad would stay at home.

We messed the whole thing up. Neither one of us could even say the word “divorce.”

After our son was asleep I texted my husband from whereI sleep in the living room if I could come in the bedroom and talk to him. Sometimes he says yes, sometimes he doesn’t. This timr he said no. I then asked him if there was anything I could do to change his mind or to stop this. He replied “nothing.” I texted back that I would do anything. He didn’t respond for a long time and I thought he might have fallen asleep. Then I saw that he texted back “no you won’t. You already showed me that.”

I have been thinking about his words all night. Turning them around over and over in my head.

He needs me to show him differently than I have shown him before. He needs a big gesture. A heartfelt one. Even me agreeing to leave is not big enough for him. So I’m going to do something bigger.

I have decided that today I am quitting my job. He asked me to quit before and I refused because I was scared. I’m still scared. He doesn’t start working again for several weeks. My income is all we have - but I received a decent Christmas bonus that could tide us over for a little while. I don’t know what I’m going to do for money now because leaving here my next stop is working fast food. But I can’t think of anything bigger that I can do to show him I’m serious.

I am scared. More than scared. I am terrified. I wish my dad was here and could give me advice. I have to rely upon my own ideas, and I don’t even know if they make any sense. Maybe he will still end our marriage anyway. But at least he will know I was all in. Even if it’s too late.

I’m going to press send, log out of SI, and then send my resignation letter to HR immediately before I get scared and change my mind. I am petrified. I don’t do spontaneous things like this. I’m all about routine and patterns. But maybe he will see my heart. I’ve already lost almost everything and I’m giving up one of the few things I still possess. I pray he will know I’m sincere. I didn’t quit when he asked me to, but maybe better late than never.

“no you won’t. You already showed me that.”

What does he mean by that?

This is a big decision. This is something you need to discuss with him. It’s taking power out of his hands. You deciding something.

BS here, I don't think you should quit your job at this point. If you DO divorce, you're going to need that job.

He could interpret that as you making sure he's going to have to support you / pay you more money in the event of divorce. I would really advise against it, this is the wrong time to be doing that IMO.

EEK. I probably wouldn't do that. If he does divorce you, kicks you out or he leaves, how will you support yourself?

A better idea would be to sit down with him and tell him you decided your marriage means enough to you to leave your place of employment as a show of trust and want to rebuild your marriage. Present a time line and go from there. I don't know if taking away your only source of income is the best idea in this scenario. While I agree you should do everything to save your marriage, I also believe in self preservation and you can't help yourself if you have no income.

He needs me to show him differently than I have shown him before. He needs a big gesture. A heartfelt one. Even me agreeing to leave is not big enough for him. So I’m going to do something bigger.

He didn't say that. He said he already asked and you didn't do it. At this point, the most respectful thing you could do is give him the space he needs to heal while continuing to work on yourself in case he changes his mind down the road.

I have decided that today I am quitting my job.

Please don't. If he wants to divorce at this point, this could easily look like you manipulating him. At least have a new job in place before you leave this one.

My WW had an LTA with a coworker. They worked only a few cubicles from each other so after DD I was upset everyday she went back to that place. Two days after she returned to work OM tried giving her a valentines day card. He told her not to tell me but she did which led to me telling OBS. OBS called and yelled at him at work and everyone in that department found out that day or already knew.

After that episode I told her she had to change jobs if she even wanted have a second chance. Within a month she found a better higher paying job. That was a huge relief.

I would never quit a job without having another one lined up. Those 2 months of job searching were agonizing for me because I thought they were still hooking up in the closet, gym or meeting rooms. I couldn't prove if they ever stopped seeing each other after DD. The only thing that brought me hope was she told me about the card.

Absolutely quit this job. Have people forgotten her boss tried to rape her and the company is covering for the boss.

SCL, file a sexual assault lawsuit against your boss. Even if it doesnt go to court, the hush money should be substantial. Look at what Weinstien is going through now.

Also, there is an off chance your husband will see you fighting for him in this. I seem to recall your husband wanted to go after your boss from the get go.

If my wife was in your shoes, thats what i would want.

[This message edited by Sastrugi at 8:58 AM, December 15th (Friday)]

I know that my situation is different, but our husbands often sound the same, at least from what I have seen you post. A few months after D-day I quit my good job, the job that provided all of our income, our medical insurance (which H needs for medication), everything. The job required travel and the travel made him nervous, thinking I would be seeing other men - so we talked about it and I left when the boss would not take me off of the travel rotation. I thought it would be rough, but it would be a grand gesture - me showing that he is more important than anything.

It didn't work- it turned into "You quite because you didn't trust yourself not to cheat. you left a great job where we all had good insurance, now I cant even get my pills. If you hadn't left we would be in such a financial hole...etc".

Maybe this is what you need to do, maybe it isn't but please think it though. And make sure you don't burn bridges at the job - you may need that later.

Edit: I did not remember everything about your boss. Yes - leave. And like others said- if your boss assaulted you do everything you can to being it to light. It matters. It shows reaching out past the fear - and even if nothing with your H changes, at least you are away from a toxic work environment.

[This message edited by Allmyfault1 at 9:09 AM, December 15th (Friday)]