SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And if I didn't see this before now, I sure did catch it this time:

I looked him in his eyes (something that’s hard for me to do as I have Asperger’s and I hate eye contact - it hurts).

Are you and/or your husband aware of the ramifications of this fact? Do you or he really realize how differently this may affect your own mental and emotional processing and how that may account for aspects of your marriage, job, and adultery crisis's? I'm not trying to make excuses for your choices that you knew were wrong, but I think that we're not dealing with apples-to-apples here when we talk about "normal" reactions and "obvious" boundaries and body language and nuances, etc.

This is a potentially HUGE barrier to empathy and intimacy and communication if I understand it properly, too.

Does your IC or MC know about you being an Aspey? I know you mentioned your son having some autism or other disability, but I didn't realize that you were affected with this somewhat as well...

I prayed and cried and prayed some more, then I pulled the covers over my head and went to sleep. I slept most of the day.

Thank you all for your kind responses. While I was asleep he texted me back. It said,

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I’m going through a lot.”

I texted back a super long text:

“You don’t have to be sorry. I’m the one who is sorry for even bringing this problem into our lives to where you would ever have to even pose such a question.

With him, the moment everything was over I felt dirty and ashamed. With you, I feel loved. It’s not just about the intense pleasure you gave to my body and how much I want you (which I do). It’s about being intertwined in the arms of the man who painted my toenails for me when I couldn’t reach my own feet over my own pregnant belly. The man who has endured watching reruns he doesn’t like over and over to spend time with me. The man who tricked out our son’s leg braces with puffy paint to make them look like part of Spider Man’s costume. The man who has worked so hard for a decade to keep a roof over our head and put food on our table. The man who got out of his car in the freezing rain to help change the tire of a stranger stranded on the side of the road that time we were on our way to Amir’s house. The man who still tries to explain to me the difference between touch downs and home runs even though I keep forgetting. The man whose name I proudly carry, who gave me the greatest gift I’ve ever had - our son. The man I want to grow old woth. The only man I want and the only man I love.

No. It was not like that with him. He never should have touched my body and I will feel eternal regret that he did. But he could never touch me the way you have touched me. You don’t just touch my body. You touch my soul.

I love you. I’m sorry.

Please. Can we talk tomorrow?”

Now I’m waiting. And praying. And hoping.

If I was a gambling man...

I'd be putting some serious money on you two...

Oh MAN am I ever pulling for ya'll to come out of this thing intact..

But yeah, like Numb&Dumb said: it's a marathon, not a sprint. So pace yourself and brace yourself for some possible "cramping" and leg pains along the way...

[This message edited by Cephastion at 8:44 PM, January 15th (Monday)]

Cephastion, my husband and my IC both know that I have Asperger’s and that I don’t process things like everyone else. My son doesn’t have Asperger’s but he has some very similar traits because of his disability (he has a chromosome 16 deletion) in addition to some more severe traits.

Eye contact has always been hard for me. My husband likes eye contact, though, especially during sex or important discussion, so I do it for him, but I try to avoid to limit it for others unless absolutely necessary (i.e. job interviews).

My IC has been focusing a lot on the Asperger’s lately. She says that since my father was likely an undiagnosed Aspie and he homeschooled my brother and I that I might not have had enough familiarity with the way “other people” do things. My parents made sure my life was pretty sheltered - intentionally so because we had a home “provider” at one point when I was a kid to help out my parents (in home respite) and he touched my brother and I inappropriately. When my parents found out they reported the guy and got him fired. After that my dad began working from home so we wouldn’t need to deal with outside people.

My mom is as normal as they come, though. My dad, my brother, and I were always viewed as somewhat “weird” and my mom was the “regular” one of the bunch.

My IC has been suggesting some joint sessions with my mom. I’m not really sure what the goal is, but I will mention it to my mom and if it might help I’m open to it. My mom was a good mom. Caring and kind, never abusive. We aren’t close but she’s a wonderful person and I couldn’t have asked for a better mother.

ASCL

I have nothing much to add except I’m pulling for you and your husband.

Peace to you and yours.

All 5 of my kids are homeschooled and in homeschool co-ops so I've been around that rodeo.

Also I myself was in Christian private schools as well as specialty and public ones and had to stay at home to take care of my aging grandpa and dying mother, so I get some of that I think.

Oh and by the way, I thought that was a fantastic text message to your husband.

As happy and honored as I am to get to see it in writing myself, I must say however that I hope he either doesn't see the public being privy to your mutual communications or else somehow doesn't mind it. I know that you want and need support, and the SI community is undoubtedly supporting the two of you and the reconciliation you desire as well. It may well be worth the risk of him seeing that level of sharing just for you to have the feedback and open lifeline on the particulars of how you're conducting all of this. However, if you haven't thought of it before now, I would just point out that for his part, he might not feel as "honored" if he wasn't as convinced as you are of the benefits and good intentions of the people on this forum and of your sharing such things without his knowledge and consent.

Anonymity is one thing, but of course you are a rather unique and easily identifiable case given the details of your particular situation. Maybe I shouldn't raise any concern on your part since you're already so worried about making mistakes or missteps during this process, but I don't know if you've considered how he'll feel if he ever gets on here and finds you being so open with the world wide web.

Then again...this thread is/was titled "Nothing Matters Anymore" and considering the feelings you were having and likely STILL wrestle with during this crisis...don't think for a moment that I'm suggesting that you limit your connection or posting here on SI. I just wanted to mention some concern for his feelings as you do so, that's all. The PM feature allows you to limit your posting to one person or a handful (with cut and paste) of people instead of the whole world to see, so there's a thought if you have more sensitive stuff to discuss with others in a less public fashion.

But of course I hate saying any of that because it's so awful good to me to hear such good and detailed news in your situation.

Btw, Did you get a chance to listen to that song I sent you to commemorate your reunion with your son who you were trying to get to sleep? If you really hated it, I'll just chalk your brutal honesty up to you being an Aspie! Just wondering...

Oh and by the way, I thought that was a fantastic text message to your husband.

I agree. ASCL, I think you're handling all this very well. I'm pulling for both of you.

Hi ASoCalledLife

Again, I need to say that I don's want to get your hopes up, but when I read what you related about your H coming over for the visit, and how that progressed, my heart did a little jig in my chest for you.

I think that you handled everything perfectly. Almost as if you had been led to do the right thing. I can't speak for your husband, or what he was thinking or feeling, but I know that for me, if ever I was able to have gotten to such a point with my XWW, we would not be D but on the way to a healthy R.

On what you should do next. What I would have wanted next, was no pressure. I would have wanted my WW, not to assume anything but to do what she had been doing up to that point. Giving me space to deal with the war in my head. Showing me in every way possible, like the notes in my lunch, that I was not only her plan A. That I was the only plan she ever had. I would not want her to assume anything had changed just yet but I would make sure that I created the next opportunity to see if I could again interact in a way that made me feel like a superman to her. Especially in the sex thing, that so many posted have rightly pointed out is most probably the biggest thing for him. That is where his message came from.

And then your message back, again, written as if some wiser hand had written it for you.

Oh, ASoCalledLife, I have never hoped for a successful R for any couple as much as I am for the two of you. I have been a little jaded and was getting to the point where I was not sure if R was ever possible for any couple but you have changed my view on that.

Just keep doing what you have.

You are a very special person ASoCalledLife

For him to connect with you like that is because that is what he wanted. He desired that. Once it was over he had to process it. What does it mean to him and his feelings toward you. There is no doubt that he loves you dearly. His thoughts of not protecting you is prevalent. I think it is one of the biggest stumbling block for him. Keep doing all of the work you are doing. And I pray that the fruit of that work will bring you home. Praying for you.

ASCL,

No great wisdom here, just a note to say I am pulling for you and wish you and your husband the best.

Marcy

Great text, ASCL. Great text.

My husband and I talked today...he asked me to meet him for lunch rather than bringing him lunch.

It was really more him talking this time. I guess getting things out that he had been meaning to say.

I was concerned that things might not go okay because he spent the first part of our discussion talking about my weight. I dropped a lot of weight when he was in the hospital and even more since I had to leave home. (He has also lost weight.) He said that I have to take better care of myself. That I’m wasting away to nothing and food provides the energy I need to function. That it doesn’t make sense for me to make sure he eats and that my son eats but not to try to eat more regularly myself. (He’s right...it’s just that with everything happening I haven’t had much of an appetite.) I promised him I would do better.

Next he said that he knows being away from home has been hard on me. He said that it wasn’t his intention to punish me. Then he said - well, maybe ut was a little. But that he thought it best to just make a decision. That for a while he had fluctuated between thinking we could one day reconcile and between just wanting it to be over. And he felt that his indecisiveness wasn’t fair to me. That he had felt that it would be kinder just to let me out of my misery than for us both to be uncertain.

I told him he had every right to be uncertain. That telling me to leave wasn’t putting me out of my misery but subjecting me to misery - a life not as his wife. I told him that he didn’t have to make me any promises. That I would take any role in his life he felt comfortable giving me right now. That I didn’t blame him for not knowing what to do about our marriage and it was my job to show him through my actions that my changes are real.

He said that our son sleeps in the bed with him every night now that I am gone. I said he does the same when he’s with me.

He asked me what made me do what I did the previous day. I said that I’d missed him and missed being with him. And that being close to him again made me happy.

He said that he had a lot on his mind and that he needed time to think. He asked me if I would give him a few days to himself to sort his thoughts about things out, and that he would get back to me. I said yes.

Neither of us really ate a lot. We pushed the food around the plates with our forks and consumed very little; we spent most of the time talking. When he paid the bill I asked the server for a to go container. He asked me if I planned to take the food home. I said no, that I was packing it up for him to take with him. He said to leave it behind; he likes my cooking better and that rather than packing a to go plate he would love it if I made (he named a particular dish). I told him that I would have it ready that evening if he wanted to swing by to pick it up.

He said, no. Told me to enjoy my time today and tomorrow with our son. Told me that he had been discussing this idea with his IC and had decided that if I wanted to on Thursday after school I could COME OVER to my (former) house and prepare the dinner there for him and our son. And that I was welcome to stay for dinner after I prepared it.

OMGOMGOMG!!!!! Of course I said yes!!!

I’m trying not to get my hopes up like you all have recommended...it’s hard, though. This is really supernatural to me. We’re having dinner?!?! As a family?!?! Not just me cooking and dropping food off and leaving it - but preparing it for them in my own kitchen with my own utensils...like I used to?!?!

I realize I’m not moving back home or anything. Baby steps, baby steps. But definitely steps!!!!!!!!!! (IMO anyway.)

(Oh - Cephastion, we did watch that video - and liked it. I actually have it saved. And my husband does know that I post on a marriage forum, but he doesn’t know which one. He was okay as long as I remained anonymous. We haven’t talked about it for months. I haven’t suggested SI to him as he is a very private person and probably would never post. It’s just not his thing.)

My son is here with me at my brother’s eating dinner and I am dancing in the kitchen as I wash dishes...I can’t help it. I’m happy.

Truly beautiful! your long text response had me in tears. and thinking how perfect of a response.

I am SO HAPPY FOR YOU BOTH!!!

OMG I am in tears....

You are working so hard. He is working hard.

I'm going to optimistic enough for you and him.😂😂😂😂😂

I think you guys are strong enough & committed enough to beat this.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU BOTH

I dont think a post made me smile so much.

I'm very happy for you. Now eat something!

I think this all sounds very positive. I'm pulling for you guys. When you first started posting I wasn't sure you really "got it", but now I have to say that your responses to your husband are what I wish my H was capable of saying to me. He tries, but your messages have been perfect.

Just keep in mind, this roller coaster is not logical. You can have a beautiful moment like you did, and his anger or sadness may randomly return for awhile. The road to R is full of potholes.

Oh ASoCalledLife

I know that I have started the last few posts to this thread cautioning that I don’t want to get your hopes up but oh, boy ASoCalledLife, have you got my hopes up with this one of yours!

Hope you don’t mind, but while you are dancing in your kitchen, I am dancing right along with you. In my office, and will dance down the passage to get my morning coffee. And dance all the way back again.

Remember, in my last post I spoke about the war that would be going on in my head. That is what I see here;

That for a while he had fluctuated between thinking we could one day reconcile and between just wanting it to be over. And he felt that his indecisiveness wasn’t fair to me. That he had felt that it would be kinder just to let me out of my misery than for us both to be uncertain.

And a gain here;

He said that he had a lot on his mind and that he needed time to think. He asked me if I would give him a few days to himself to sort his thoughts about things out, and that he would get back to me.

Exactly as I expected, that is that war going on in his head. Just make sure that you keep the troops in there, the ones fighting for you, well supplied and with plenty of ammunition. You do that by doing exactly what you have been doing. Don’t now try and press the battle. If you try and force your troops to advance too early, they might be made vulnerable. And you put victory at risk.

Allow him to manage the battle. He needs to feel as if the victory is his.

You did well here ASoCalledLife. This is keeping your troops well fed and supplied. Keep this up. Each time you score a bull’s eye. Incredible wisdom.

I told him he had every right to be uncertain. That telling me to leave wasn’t putting me out of my misery but subjecting me to misery - a life not as his wife. I told him that he didn’t have to make me any promises. That I would take any role in his life he felt comfortable giving me right now. That I didn’t blame him for not knowing what to do about our marriage and it was my job to show him through my actions that my changes are real.

There is no way that I can know what is going on in his head but as I walk alongside the two of you, and as a severely wounded BH, who had gotten to the place of believing that it was always a deal breaker. In my head at least, I can already see the D troops readying the white flag of surrender. I so hope that the R troops in his head get to taste the sweet flavour of victory.

I know that you are a woman of faith. Me a little less so, but you keep up the praying. I keep up the hoping. Something is certainly guiding you in this.

Oh, my heart aches for you. There were a few things you wrote that showed so very clearly how deeply remorseful you are and how very much you love your husband. More, I'm sorry that you were for whatever reason on the path that led to your position. I'm sorry you have to feel it too.

It made me want real happiness for you, and your husband and son. I rarely empathize with the wayward. I can't get my head around it, the ability to cheat, so I have a harder time internalizing the perspective, you know? You stand out as different though and I felt so happy for you towards the end of this thread. I was smiling with you.

I really, really hope that your dinner goes well. I hope you get a real second chance at happily ever after with your family.

[This message edited by LongSigh at 1:30 AM, January 17th (Wednesday)]