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My soon to be ex just walked into our house. He moved to New Jersey to be with his AP about two weeks ago but I guess that is over already. I filed for divorce on Oct 1st so it is still in process. I have the grandkids tonight so I can't throw him out. They don't know anything yet. Just out of the blue, he showed up! He is begging me to take him back.

[This message edited by Notriangle at 9:52 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

I don't know your story, so my advice will be fairly generic.

Usually, you can't legally kick them out. You need a court order assigning sole possession of the home. Your lawyer can help you there, but of course, that probably means waiting until Monday for advice, and for a court hearing to get the order. It took me 4 months.

The broader question is about him begging to come back. How do you feel about that?

If you want to consider R, you need to know what the ground rules are, in terms of counseling, openness, access to all electronics and accounts, a written history of his affairs and affair partners, etc. You need to set this out as a pre-condition to consider R.

If you know, for certain, that you will not consider R, then you're in what's called in-house separation. Just because he can legally live there, doesn't mean you need to talk to him, cook for him, do laundry for him, provide groceries for him -- anything. It's time to 180, hard. You can put locks on your bedroom door, keep all your valuables in a safe, etc.

The only way to get him removed is if you are in fear for your personal safety. If that's truly the case, your nearest women's shelter should have good advice for you.

You need to speak to an attorney and get an order giving you exclusive rights to be in the house. After that change the locks, and mailbox locks. He should have a change of address by that time. You need to set down boundaries for your STBX about showing up unannounced.

Have the attorney give him a specific time frame to remove his belongings if you plan to divorce. Set up the boundaries for communication. Best suggestion is if you plan to divorce either communicate over email, not in person and not on the phone. Email gives a paper trail, and people are far less likely to put in writing what they are willing to say out loud. If you don't want to deal with him go grey rock, NC or talk only though attorneys, but that gets expensive. You don't want to use the attorney like a councilor, as they are $250+ per hour.

Can I ask, with no judgment at all, what it is you want?

If the A is truly over and you feel you can even see the tiniest beginnings of remorse would you start to consider R or are you firmly on the D train.

I'm just asking because your answer will obviously steer the direction of the answers you get.

Personally, either way I'd go ahead with the D to protect myself. If you want to try again then start afresh, with a brand new start.

Even if R is your goal, slow down. Wait a bit. It's common for WSes to go back to the AP again in these situations after things have calmed down between them and R isn't all roses. Does he genuinely want R or is he desperate for plan B after OW kicked him out during a fight?

Don't welcome him back with open arms. Ask him to come up with a plan for R and judge if he's worth it or capable of it. If you want D or it's clear he just wants you as plan B without doing the work of R, inform him that the D is still on and he must sleep on the couch or in the guestroom.

Just my personal opinion. Never stay with someone who can toss years together away so easily. He will leave you again when the next pretty face turns his head. Stay on course and set boundries for him to follow, Even if you have to do it through the court system....

To show up out of the blue and essentially force himself on you is a sign of huge disrespect. He feels like he can just walk out and then walk back in as it suits him. This is not remorse.

Remorse recognizes that one did a really horrible thing and the offended party may truly and legitimately never want to see or speak to you again. Entitlement just blows through that possibility and shows up out of the blue, confident that with a little groveling the whole thing can just go away.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 10:01 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]

I know you want to protect your grandkids, but you're not the one doing this. At some point he's going to push you to make a scene. He's counting on you to suck it up and let him do whatever he wants.

So I would tell him he can just turn around and leave, or risk you telling grandkids that Grandpa has other things to do and other places to live because he's decided to not love their grandma. If he wants to deal with that, he can test you.

She who cares the least has the most power. Tough times require tough measures.

Do you want to R?

legally you can't kick him out. You can request he leave because you feel uncomfortable and want to enjoy your grandkids without tension.

If he insists on staying, tell him he can sleep in the spare room and have him move any items out of your room to his new room. Until you get him legally kicked out, he can stay there unfortunately.

If you decide to let him stay and try to R...that is a whole other post :)

My advice is to ignore him. Do the 180, don't cook for him, don't do anything 'wifey' for him and just play with your grandkids and enjoy them. Treat him like a piece of furniture. It is there and its horrid but you have not made it down to the curb with it yet.

I had a thought...he probably found out that he would lose more than what he wanted in a D if he abandoned the home. That could be one reason he came back, he realized that he had a lot to lose money wise - which means his AP must know you guys are not divorced.

See your lawyer about getting him out of the house. Make sure you write down everything he said when he left, dates times etc.

Notriangle:

I’m sorry that your WH’s appearance has caused you such angst. But this was so predictable. Your WH is such an old fool. There was no way he would have an IRL relationship with the OW who is a psychologist he met on Facebook. They had an EA for a year long distance. You had no idea until your WH blindsided you last March. He was terribly cruel to you. He blamed you, brought all your past sins in the M, and continued his EA until you finally put an end to your R attempt in August. He certa8nly treated you like you were his Plan B throughout the spring and summer. You saw his ugly side. He’s a liar and a cheat. You made a list of all the crappy things he did that you would not miss. When he left you were determined to not have him back, even when he offered to turn around during his long drive to see the AP.

Look, as others have stated: over time figure out what you want. Continue with the D process. Continue with the 180. He doesn’t get to just waltz back into your life like nothing happed. Consequences. If he truly thinks he can earn back your love and trust, he’s got a hell of a lot of work to do. MamaDragon has good advice.

[This message edited by fareast at 8:04 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]

If he truly thinks he can earn back your love and trust, he’s got a hell of a lot of work to do.

I don't think he has any intention of earning anything. He reminds me too much of another WH who thought he could cheat and waltz in and out of the family without anyone holding him to moral and unselfish behavior, has escalated himself in and out of jail - scooby dum thinks women are property. And I'm guessing Mr. 3 Corners is of a similar cloth.

He says I can be the sole owner of the house and he will sign a postnup. He offered me access to his phone, facebook, etc. Says he messed up and will spend the rest of time making things right again. I filed for divorce in October 1st. Can I delay the divorce while I evaluate?

Tell him to get a motel. Tell the grandkids he has to go out of town for work.

Do not let him pressure you into making any rash decisions!

You can do this.

Tell him you want the postnuptial, but you need it drawn up by an attorney. The attorney’s office is closed until the morning

I'm in a different country but have read and heard so much about postnups being bent and twisted out of shape if things regretfully don't work out, even getting thrown out all together. I'd go ahead with the divorce, you can do it quietly, so no-one else knows if that's what you want and then start building your new relationship. Let him prove himself to you from the beginning again.

Yes, you can delay the divorce in any number of ways. But, I'm thinking the real question is whether you should delay it.

I do not think you should.

He moved out to live with another women in New Jersey and abandoned you and his grandkids. And, this, after a long time of disrespect and horrible treatment of you by him. He doesn't get to come back home; there's other places he can stay while he figures out his next steps. Using the grandkids' presence to keep you from kicking him out is a particularly nasty manipulation tactic on his part.

Its a bit too late, after everything, to offer you Facebook, etc. access and think that's all it is going to take to make the marriage better. Or, that he can 'buy' you off with sole ownership of the home.

You deserve better than being his backup plan.

He’s asking you to trust him - risking further betrayal down the road, why not propose HE trust YOU? Tell him to move forward with the divorce and give you the house and the favourable assets he’d give you in the post nup- and let him trust that you’re not just “fucking him over”. This would give you control over your future and diminish the amount of risk you’d need to assume. His willingness to do this would demonstrate his level of commitment.

Let him trust YOU that you’ll offer remarriage down the road if he does the work.

Sassy's got it right. Or ask him to sign a post nup, take a polygraph, do something to prove himself before you put yourself back in harm's way for him.

Here's what I've seen usually happen in these situations. He'll be good for a few weeks. Maybe even a few months. Then the OW will miss him and reach back out to him or he will miss her and reach back out. They'll look each other up online if they deleted/blocked each other's phone numbers. They start talking again. R is difficult and hard so he's thinking positively about the OW again. And before you know it, he's moved out once more.

Taking a WS after they've left once for AP is very risky. I've seen quite a few ping pong back and forth between their BS and AP several times before the BS finally filed for D and kicked them out for good. None of those BSes are still with their WSes and overall there are only a few in R with a WS who moved out. For whatever reason, WSes who actually go through with it have higher rates of false R IME. So you have to play this smart. You can't just accept him saying what he needs to say to get back into your good graces. He needs to start the work BEFORE you back off on D.

He is irrational. He isn’t thinking clearly. Things can become dangerous. Even if they never have before

NT, you first posted that he has narcissist tendencies. I hope you realize that they don’t change. If he moves back in there are no guarantees that he won’t go right back to online mischief.

Get the divorce, or get a very good attorney who makes sure the house and monies are in your name and remain so forever. You can’t show weakness to a narc. They ALWAYS take advantage of that.