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Please Help

HopingforR posted 10/27/2020 15:21 PM

Hi everyone. Never in a million years did I think I would be in the position I am in. All I need right now is help. I am so close to losing what I love more than anything.

My BW and I have been together just over 16 years. She was and still is the best thing to ever happen to me. Over these 16 years there have been several occasions where I would reach out to other women even though I was with someone I cared about. Like I said, this has happened several times. This has been an ongoing issue between us. There was nothing ever physical but it wasnt an emotional thing either.

Fast forward to the last 12 months(ish) and I started reaching out to women again, but would also reach out to local escorts. I remember reading a local story/heard it on the radio type deal and just fell into it. At first it was just looking at the ads and then it turned into actually messaging these women. In total I made at least 4 attempts at meeting someone. I am sure there were other times that I enquired about where they were located but I never went as far as driving to the location outside of the 4. Twice (with the same women) I did actually go through with it. My BW has found out about it and through digging realized the extent of how much I was reaching out to them. It even surprised me when I saw the amount.

I knew that I had contacted several women, both people I know and others I dont, but I dont know why. Something is wrong with me. I have the person I was meant to be with by my side and she hasnt booted me out yet. Our sex life wasnt as often as maybe I would have liked, but in no way was I disappointed. It most certainly wasnt bad enough to drive me to this. Or at least it shouldnt be.

If anyone can please guide me, lead me or help me find the right direction it would be amazing. All I want to do is make her happy. Show her how sorry I am and how much she means to me.

Someone please help.

hikingout posted 10/27/2020 15:36 PM

I knew that I had contacted several women, both people I know and others I dont, but I dont know why. Something is wrong with me. I have the person I was meant to be with by my side and she hasnt booted me out yet. Our sex life wasnt as often as maybe I would have liked, but in no way was I disappointed. It most certainly wasnt bad enough to drive me to this. Or at least it shouldnt be.

You doing this had nothing to do with your wife, or your sex life, or even your marriage. These were your decisions, and you are making them still sound passive, as if you had an out of body experience.

Truth is, we cheat because we want to. Why we want to and how we can get comfortable doing it varies from person to person.

Generally speaking, we tell ourselves stories that justify our actions. Some of the why you want to do this, and how you were comfortable lies in the stories you tell yourself.

We make ourselves feel entitled towards these sorts of behaviors. What did you tell yourself to feel entitled? I said that I did everything for everyone else and I needed something just for me. (Total bullcrap! But our answers can be found in the midst of our bullcrap!) I have seen people say it was that they made most of the money, or that their spouse treated them poorly, etc. What did you tell yourself to make you feel entitled to this extra sex, using funds that should have went back into your household?

IC will help with FOO. My guess is that you like chaos mixed in with your stability. That often comes from what we learned growing up.

You were not passive in your engagement of these women. The longer you take that stance, the less safe you are going to be for your wife. I am going to go out on a limb and think that probably you have issues with porn as well. I think if you can pay women for sexual acts there is something in that head of yours in which you objectify women and sex in general. This likely creates barriers to your own emotional intimacy.

You need to be in therapy. It took me 6 months to unravel all the places I was lying to myself and another 6 to even begin to know what to do about it. This is a long road ahead not a blip in the radar, you need to take this very seriously.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:36 PM, October 27th (Tuesday)]

foreverlabeled posted 10/27/2020 15:42 PM

Hi and welcome.

Your post really lacks accountability. Which isn't surprising, almost all of us show up this way.

Surprised by your own activity?
Drive you to it?
Just fell into it?

Uh huh.

So, first thing in order, full std panel.

Pick up the book "how to help your spouse heal from your affair"

Read here in The Healing Library

Individual counseling.

What specifically are you needing our help with?

MrCleanSlate posted 10/27/2020 16:50 PM

Top of the Wayward Side forum is one pinned post - Things that every WS needs to know. Print, read it and keep reading it.

That first part will help you deal with things in the here and now.

Here is the next thing - you need to dig deep, like really deep, and be very honest with your BW. You have to admit everything. Don't hold back thinking you are somehow protecting her from something. That kind of thinking will only lead to more shit later when it does come out - and it will. It will probably feel like the hardest thing you will ever do, but do it. You will be glad later.

It also helps to write out a timeline - do it triple spaced if doing it by paper since you will start to add a lot of pieces as you read it and re-read it.

At some point you are also going to need to get into WHY you felt compelled to go to hookers, etc. What did you get from it? There is time to get to that. Deal with the first few things today.

Pippin posted 10/28/2020 11:57 AM

Hi Hopingfor R, I remember those awful bewildering days so well. The overwhelming urge to reach out countered by another voice say no don't (with a variety of reasons) and then another saying well make sure BH doesn't find out and so on and so on. It was confusing as hell.

Ultimately it will be helpful for your BW if you can give her a full narrative of what happened and why, leaving nothing out. She's probably searching for an explanation and nothing makes sense, and she may end of feeling like she is to blame or responsible. My husband was enormously helped when all the details fell into place, not only about the affair, but patterns of behavior and thoughts that he knew from even before we were dating that looked innocuous at the time but led to later trouble. When things made sense, he not only felt relief but also could see where I was actually making long term consistent changes. But none of that comes without understanding yourself

There are so many different ways that people begin to understand themselves but I don't know which one will work for you. It sounds like the sex addict model might fit your patterns so you could look into that and understand the ritual chain and so on. Understanding addictions in general might help, the podcast The Addicted Mind is good for that. Learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings - people like Pema C something or Brene Brown for that. Doing a deep dive into Christianity is what helped me and still helps me every day ("you don't avoid sin by avoiding the pleasure of sin, you avoid it by finding the superior pleasure God intended" CS Lewis) - you could see if that helps by reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. There are teachers EVERYWHERE and paths EVERYWHERE but you've got to search and search to find the one that works for you.

In the meantime, it will help her to listen without shutting down when your wife describes what her life feels like and if she wants, keep her up to date on what's going on for you, new understandings and questions, reminding her that in your search for truth there are missing pieces but you will keep working. There isn't a quick fix but she may slowly see progress.

Take care - I hope you are able to find some understanding and peace with yourself.

Bulcy posted 10/29/2020 10:46 AM


You're making a start coming on here and telling us your story. I'm still working on my "getting it" and am using this site, my BS and IC to help me. There is a thread on General called "books" please take a look at this as read the books. They will help you own your infidelity. No excuses or self justifications.

I have found these useful and writing my time line. Write the time line, read the time line. Find the self justifications, the lies, the gaps, the omissions. Note them down and rewrite the time line. You will miss things, you will not be entirely truthful. Keep at it. I am on something like my 5th or 6th attempt at mine and am currently reviewing it for omissions. Discussions with BS have recently pointed out times where I was writing to get to answers I wanted rather than deep diving into my true thoughts.

You have to be honest. With yourself initially and then your BS. TT and half arsed attempts cause more damage in the long run.

Hopefully you have come back to the site to read these replies.

Ask questions and tell these guys what you need help with. They will help.

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