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Where things are now

tigereyes posted 10/26/2020 13:51 PM

The last time I posted here was last November and I had just discovered that my husband of 5 months had a very intense porn issue. He went into IC at that time as did I and we got through the holidays and even though I was still hurt with a lot of questions I was trying to get to a place of reconciliation. Then in January I found messages on his phone that suggested he had slept with a 21 year old during the time we were broken up when we were dating in 2016. We had dated for a few months, he broke up with me because he said he was too busy to date and then brought a 21 year old at the time from another state to his apartment and all their talk seemed to suggest the plan was for her to spend the entire weekend with him and "wear him out". Lots of sex talk, etc. She only spent one night and then left to go back home the next morning instead of staying the entire weekend as planned. He says he slept on the couch, they never even kissed and it was her decision to leave the next morning. The last communication I can see between the 2 of them is that he texted her he was sorry if he did anything that made her feel bad and she never responded.

Now, we were broken up at this time so he could do whatever but the things about this that bother me is that he initially told me he hadn't been dating other people while we were broken up and that at that time I had a daughter who was 23. Also, his porn preferences tend to skew college age which he always told me he wasn't into because that was something I wasn't comfortable since I have daughters in that age group.

So he deleted all the messages from her after he found out I knew. Then in March I found old messages from 2017. He had apparently started to date a 23 year old in October of 2016 and pursued her into July of 2017. Except for he reached out to me in April of 2017 saying he wanted to get back together with me and then he slept with this 23 year old one weekend in April while we were setting up our date and then took me to the very same restaurant the next week. He continued to try to get this young woman to go back out with him for several more months while I believed we were dating exclusively. He even refused to make plans with me for my birthday because he told me he wasn't feeling well but the texts show it's because he was leaving that weekend open to spend with her. She ended up bailing on him.

He finally stopped contacting her but I never knew anything about her. When I found the texts in March this year he said they never slept together and I was crazy and his therapist agreed that I was crazy for trying to find out. Well, I texted the girl myself on July 1 and she told me that yes they did sleep together the last night that they went out, that she spent the night in his apartment, and they never went out again. So he finally had to come clean about it. He admitted that he never used a condom and so I went and got a full STD panel done and came back as HPV positive. I had been tested for that before he and I got together and it was negative so that's just great.

He spent 4 months swearing up and down that he had never had sex with this woman and lied and lied and lied. And this is WHILE we are supposed to be reconciling after he kept turning me down for porn and lying about it. I attempted MC with him but he kept lying while we were in there too so I gave up on that.

He was calling a pastor to get advice from and I wanted to know if he is truly making changes like he keeps saying he is, or is it all an act? So I set up a VAR to record the conversation to see what he is telling this guy, since he had convinced his first therapist that I was just crazy when it turns out, I was right and he was just lying all along. Admittedly, some things in our relationship are better. He still views our main problems are that I'm just not getting over everything fast enough and that's a problem but he has made more of an effort to be more thoughtful. He doesn't treat me like a blowup doll during sex anymore like he used to but before all of this came to light he had never given me any kind of foreplay ever. And we can go into all the reasons I accepted that and trust me I am addressing it in IC, but even now when he does do very limited foreplay and I do mean VERY LIMITED, it feels like its done begrudgingly and he'd rather just get to the part he likes. I have always been very adventurous with him but he says he is intimidated by that. He watched hours of porn every day so I guess I'm just confused?

Anyway, I got a little off topic. So last night he found out about the VAR. He was attempting to say that the Pastor had given him an atta boy and told him he was gutsy for changing the passwords to his bank account and phone records. I had only recently gained access to those things and was of course finding out how much cheating he has done so he wanted to control my access. Oh because also in all of this, I found out he had $10000 in credit card debt he had never told me about. But it turns out that the pastor did not agree with his assertion that it was "gutsy" to cut off my access until I "learned to behave". The pastor told him he was treating me like a child and that he was supposed to be transparent, not lock accounts when he doesn't get his way. So longer story short, my husband again attempted to use a person of authority (first the therapist that says I'm crazy) and now the pastor to try to manipulate me to think that I am just crazy and blowing things out of proportion and our only problems are my inability to just get over it. And NOW the greatest betrayal is that I recorded that conversation and now HE feels betrayed.

So I'm willing to accept the 2x4 if I need it for what I did by recording the conversation or am I being DARVOd?

Chaos posted 10/26/2020 13:54 PM

You are being DARVO'd.

I think you already know this. The ultimate question is what are you going to do about it?

tigereyes posted 10/26/2020 14:18 PM

I'm working on getting in a financial situation where I can leave. We had some money saved up because we were supposed to take a honeymoon cruise in April and it got cancelled due to COVID. We got the money refunded but it all went back into his account and I did not have access to his finances yet. So I had no idea, he had blown through all of our honeymoon fund. There is nothing left of it.So I've got to get some money saved back without him knowing it.

I had hoped we could find a way to reconcile but I just don't think he is a safe partner. He keeps insisting that everything is different and I need to just give him time to show me. And he has stopped watching football and wrestling all the time and allowing me to choose what we watch on tv. He claims he has stopped using porn and for the most part I believe him. But I keep telling him that this is stuff that really is the bare minimum that should be expected of a husband but he wants to be rewarded with a gold star for it. And I'm just too worn out from all the TT and having to become a PI. Its just not how I want to spend the rest of my life. I just don't see a way for trust to ever be re-established here.

And of course, in the meantime, I live with someone who wants to convince me that there is something wrong with me so I have to use recorders to prove that I am not losing my mind. That I am not the one distorting reality. And I think it's making me insane.

[This message edited by tigereyes at 2:21 PM, October 26th (Monday)]

The1stWife posted 10/26/2020 21:01 PM

Save yourself. Save your sanity.

Get your $ together.

His addiction is ruling his life. And yours too.

homewrecked2011 posted 10/26/2020 22:36 PM

Try to get a credit card, go to an atty and use the credit card to pay your retainer. Or can you borrow from someone? My brother actually paid my retainer for me, and I paid him back after the D.
File for D, and the judge will order a Discovery to be done, itís where your WS will have to show his finances. He (and you) cannot take on any more debt once he is served for D is what I was told.

I also was married to a porn addict. Itís the most difficult way to live, bc their mind is SO way out there! I totally get it. And they really canít relate to a normal life.

FWIW, once I D my WH, I began my healing pretty quickly. Iím very, very happy.

tigereyes posted 10/27/2020 14:33 PM

I took off work to look at some apartments today to see what I can afford on my own. It will be tight but I've come from nothing before so I will make it. In the mean time he is still insistent that it was wrong for me to set up a recording and that I am attempting to control him and am being manipulative. He is now worried that I have recorded EVERYTHING and that he is convinced I will blackmail him. With what I am not sure of but it sure seems like he is putting off a lot of smoke for that not to be a fire. So who knows what he has been up to. I wish I had set up a VAR every day instead of this just one.

Whatslove posted 10/27/2020 22:30 PM

I made a post just a few days ago about my WS finding the VAR. He was also very upset. Said this was a "game changer" and reconciliation wasn't going to go "my way" anymore. He said I had to apologize for snooping and stay out of his stuff permanently. I refused to so that and he broke things off. He was never willing to truly reconcile though, this incident just pointed it out.

WhatsRight posted 10/27/2020 23:07 PM

He did you a favor!!!

It is unbelievable that he did all that cheating, and then wants to act all injured because you used a VAR to verify what he is saying / doing.

Iím sorry you are hurting. But it sounds like he is not R material.


tigereyes posted 10/28/2020 11:57 AM

I have made some moves today to get a 2nd job. That should help me get money together quickly and keep me away from home as much as possible. If I wanted to stay together I would worry that this would just give him new opportunities to cheat but I've found that I just really no longer care if he does or not. Our marriage is dead and to be honest it doesn't really appear that it ever had any life in it.

The1stWife posted 10/28/2020 13:00 PM

I know itís hard to make these tough decisions. They are painful and gut wrenching. But I think you know itís for the best.

Hereís to a brighter future.

tigereyes posted 10/28/2020 15:35 PM

It all just sucks. I had hoped for so much more. He has lied to me about so much so I wanted to get forensics on his phone done. The phone is crashed and won't turn on currently but I found someone who said they could get everything off of it for $2500. It's a LOT of money, I know, but I thought if we just paid the money, I can see that there was nothing else that he had lied about, then we could at least try to reconcile. And he is just absolutely LIVID about the idea. Says he can't believe I want to waste so much money just so I can see that he looked at porn all the time. I told him I was willing to get a 2nd job and save up to pay to have it done and he disagrees with that too.

But then last night, he tells me that he wanted to admit to me that he had previously lied to me about something and it was to tell me that he hadn't really slept with a woman he had claimed he had a friends with benefits relationship with before we ever met. WTF would he have lied to me about having sex with someone he didn't? I just can't even figure out heads or tails with this one and for my own sanity I have got to get out of this.

This0is0Fine posted 10/28/2020 15:38 PM

I am sorry I felt the need to record a conversation to get the truth. I'm not sorry I got the truth.

nekonamida posted 10/28/2020 18:56 PM

TE, you already know he's a lying liar who lies. You already know he's an unrepentant cheater who has boat load of indiscretions that he is hiding from you. Why in the world would you use money from a 2nd job to pay for confirmation of what you already know? Even he thinks it's a waste because he already knows he's not going to pass.

Use the money for an apartment and 180 him. DETACH (Don't Even Think About Changing Him). Work on getting out of infidelity and stop listening to his lies and manipulations.

tigereyes posted 10/29/2020 11:46 AM

I don't want to spend the money now. It only mattered if we were going to reconcile, I couldn't reconcile unless I knew he was finally telling me the truth. And if he was telling the truth, the phone forensics would show that. He wasn't willing to do it and I guess it just doesn't matter any more. I don't need to know what else he did if I'm not going to be asked to forgive some unknown and then reconcile. He wasn't willing to do it in an effort to reconcile. He wants reconciliation without that bit of transparency and he acts like it's just about the money and not of what I would find out.

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