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Pretty sure I'm ready to leave... but Covid

silrais posted 10/22/2020 12:39 PM

We've been doing the reconciliation dance for 2 years and for the most part I don't see it getting better. We've stagnated. She's not doing a great job rebuilding trust and I'm learning that it's probably just not something I can learn to accept anyways. The thought of leaving crosses my mind fairly often but I've been fixated on it lately. For the most part, I think I'm ready to call it over but then there's the isolation of quarantine to deal with and I talk myself out of it. Not sure what to do. It feels wrong to lead her along though.

[This message edited by silrais at 1:11 PM, October 22nd (Thursday)]

The1stWife posted 10/22/2020 15:49 PM

Iím not hopeful for your M but Iím pretty sure we wonít be in quarantine forever.

Think of a positive future.

LadyG posted 10/22/2020 17:32 PM

Start making plans.

I started making plans back in 2017 but didnít move out until 2019. Itís the best thing I have ever done for myself.

In 2018 I was preparing WH for it. WH had commenced an exit affair so was distracted by this. WH regrets his actions now but I am free.

Thumos posted 10/22/2020 19:38 PM

Get your ducks in a row and then leave when the timing is right for you. You donít owe her anything. For the record Iíve been very clear with my WW About divorce but Iíve also been clear Iím willing to wait as we financially stabilize, prepare house for sale and also play COVID situation by ear. She wonít have health insurance after we D.

fareast posted 10/22/2020 19:49 PM

I know that you have been struggling with staying for a long time, your dday actually. Look to your future and make your plans. I know you stated your WGF has health issues, has this been a factor in your reluctance to move on? Because it does not seem that she has been doing the work you needed or expected for a long time.

silrais posted 10/22/2020 21:24 PM

Yes, to some degree that factors into it. I know it shouldn't but it does.

RocketRaccoon posted 10/23/2020 00:17 AM


I broke up the last part of your post:

For the most part, I think I'm ready to call it over but then there's the isolation of quarantine to deal with and I talk myself out of it.

You are self-sabotaging. Convincing yourself of things that should not be a major consideration.

Not sure what to do.

Yes, you actually do, but you are telling yourself not to.

It feels wrong to lead her along though.

You probably are. Have you spoken with your WGF about this? About how you are feeling that there is no progress?

If you do ask her, let her talk. SHE has to justify to YOU on any progress (or lack thereof).

It might also help that she allows her IC to give you a de-brief of what has been discussed.


This is the blunt part now, so please feel free to skip it:

At the moment, your WGF does not give you full transparency, and you enable it. You keep yourself blind. You let her keep you blind, either because you don't want to face the issue (avoidant), or you give in to her 'need' for privacy.

This lack of full transparency is what you are dealing with. You still have to guess/wonder about parts of your WGFs thinking.

You will not be able to heal properly until you know what you are healing from.

sisoon posted 10/23/2020 12:52 PM

IMO, your posts say that you've got 2 problems to solve:

1) stay or go;
2) your own healing.

Leaving without healing yourself won't help you resolve the things you've posted about.

Or have you resolved the issues you wrote about in your very first SI post?

I'm very sorry you're still in pain. The thing is: you have to heal you. No one can do that for you. Unless you've left some important stuff out of your posts, you've been fighting your feelings for 2 years. I recommend finding a good IC to help you deal with your response to your WSO's cheating.

It's difficult work, but it's very worthwhile.

Again, if you've resolved the issues you outlined in your first post, you can ignore this. OTOH, and again IMO, if you've resolved those issues, I think you'd make a decision and act on it.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:53 PM, October 23rd (Friday)]

99problems posted 10/24/2020 14:38 PM

Getting everything ready to leave can take a long time.
If I would have planned things out better I'd be a lot happier right now.
Call that lawyer. Get a new bank account ready. Get that apartment lined up.
It will help a lot. Have your plan ready to go.

ellemm posted 10/26/2020 07:16 AM

Iím in the exact same position. 2 years ago it would have been easier. My local support groups were still meeting, my friends werenít quarantining. My sister wasnít in a different state. Now Iíll be doing it completely isolated for the most part. Iím debating if itís better or worse to do it now or wait.

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