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Struggling, could use some positivity

beauchateaux posted 10/19/2020 10:02 AM

Hey all.

I figured I'd post here, since this is a place that has been a comfort to me during some of my toughest life moments (same as all of us, as was the purpose of the site).

I'm just really struggling right now. I've got some feelers out for professional therapy, but I guess everyone is slammed right now with clients because, well...this year is the WORST. I just needed to talk it out a little.

I'm a nurse. I was working when Covid hit, and my hospital was immediately in the thick of it (urban hospital in an underserved area = LOTS of sick people). I went through the 'discovery' phase with Covid where everyone was still figuring out what the heck we were dealing with, how to treat it, etc. I went through the initial shortages of PPE, and I was scared to death but I still went to work.

I have three boys under 6. My childcare provider called me right as the pandemic was ramping up and said she couldn't work with us anymore - all the other parents got together and told her she had to fire us because I was a nurse and they were concerned that I'd spread the infection. On one hand, I totally get it - everyone was afraid, and everyone is right to be as cautious as they can. On the other hand, I felt abandoned. I was a front-line worker, and all these people who kept posting on their social media about 'healthcare workers are HEROES!' and 'THANK you to nurses!' were the same ones who were like, nope, your kids are out. It felt disingenuous and fake, and I built up a lot of resentment over it, justified or not.

I kept working and patched a solution, meanwhile schools closed and I was faced with homeschooling my kids. I would work overnight, then come home and try to sleep for a couple of hours before getting up and doing school with the two older boys. Eventually I ended up having to leave my job because I couldn't secure any childcare, and so here I am now.

I feel really depressed. My H still works, thank God, but I find myself battling jealousy over it. I had a career I was dedicated to, worked hard to earn, and then I had to quit nursing because - there were too many sick people? It just seems so backwards. We're getting by financially, but only just, with me not working. Isolation and social distancing means that many of the support systems and normal things I would do with them are off-limits, and I just feel trapped. Stifled. Like I'm living in purgatory.

I love my boys, I really do. But this isn't what I envisioned for our lives at this point. I feel like I just exist, and I can't find anything to be joyful about these days. I know, I really REALLY do - we're all healthy (so far, GOD willing it stays that way) and we have a roof and food and yes - I'm aware of all that. I'm grateful. VERY grateful, and I know that many have suffered much worse through this year.

I wish I could convince my heart to buy into that, though.

Thanks to anyone who read all that. I guess I just needed to vent a little. May there be happier days ahead for everyone.

tushnurse posted 10/19/2020 10:20 AM

((((beauchateaux))))

2020 Sucks Donkey Balls.

That said, I get the conflict, and have thanked God that my kiddos were not small when this shitshow started. I would have had to do the same.

I don't know how long you have been a nurse, or what you are interested in, but I would encourage you to look for Case Management work from home positions. Anthem/Blue Cross has always had entry level CM positions that allow you to work from home, and have a split shift that is like 9-1 and then the rest of the shift in the evening. It may work well for your needs. It may not be something you want to do, but could work for you.

sisoon posted 10/19/2020 10:32 AM

Getting dropped by your childcare provider because you're a nurse - that's awful.

Are you on Facebook? Have you posted on your page, even just to vent?

First line workers need more than kind words, but sometimes you need to make demands. I don't mean to blame you for the fix you're in. I do mean - maybe it would help you to vent publicly.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:34 AM, October 19th (Monday)]

zebra25 posted 10/19/2020 14:59 PM

What a horrible and stressful thing to happen.

Thank you for choosing a career caring for others!

My husband is an essential worker and it has been very stressful the few months. He now has symptoms of the virus and is waiting for test results.

As stressful as this has been I am thankful our child is an adult. I don't know how all the families with school age children are managing all the changes with school and childcare.

HUGS

LadyG posted 10/19/2020 16:25 PM

As a nurse you are an essential worker.

We had some tough restrictions imposed by our Government however Childcare facilities and Childcare providers were still allowed to operate for Essential Workers ONLY.

As this Virus and Pandemic appear to be staying around for quite some time, I donít know if you can go public and appeal to your local Government And / or Childcare providers to help the Essential workers with Childcare.

Is there an alternative whereby you and your H can work around each otherís rosters?

How is your H helping you through this?

I have been working from home since March and only yesterday I was actually allowed outside of my own neighbourhood to run some errands. I live alone with my dog not even my sons were allowed to visit me until now. My 23 year old DS also an essential worker would visit to help care for our sick dog.

The isolation is extremely difficult and seeing other adults for catch up conversation has been a luxury.

I was looking for Professional therapy but as face to face sessions were not available I joined a local BAN support group last week, we met via Zoom and this has been a great help.

number4 posted 10/19/2020 17:28 PM

I was looking for Professional therapy but as face to face sessions were not available I joined a local BAN support group last week, we met via Zoom and this has been a great help.

I am SOOO jealous. When we lived in the Chicago area, up until two years ago, I attended a BAN meeting (which has since dissolved). Moved to the metro LA area, and there is not a single BAN group around... closest one is 90 minutes away. I hadn't thought about connecting with them to see if they're meeting remotely. Might have to do that!


@beauchateaux - glad you have a place to vent here. I, like tushnurse, am so thankful I do not have young kids at home right now. The things that keep me sane are my virtual Pilates, and virtual training, as well as my therapist. I am also thankful that our weather is cooling down so we can finally get outside for our walks/hikes. Find what you need to do to take care of yourself, although I know that's difficult now.

dontsaylovely posted 10/19/2020 17:48 PM

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Can you see the silver lining that you get to spend more time with your children as a result of this? Just trying to see the positive though I understand the pandemic has sidelined you in a twisted way. I have neighbours struggling hugely because as a special ed teacher travelling to schools she has been unemployed since March. She's spending her time with her children and helping them with online schooling. Doesn't help their income but she's (presenting at least) justified that children are benefiting from her loss.

Gottagetthrough posted 10/20/2020 13:49 PM

Iím so sorry, this is a tough time. I get not being able to see people and have that support. I rug swept my bad marriage for a long time because I enjoyed getting out, seeing other moms, doing stuff with our kids. Now that Iím at home all the time and donít have mom friends, I feel so alone and isolated. Itís tough.

beauchateaux posted 10/20/2020 13:50 PM

Thanks everyone. I knew it would help to post here!

tushnurse, that's a good suggestion. It's hard, though, to work from home when things are like this. My 7 and 5 year olds are doing school from home, so I spend basically the entire morning coordinating their Zoom lessons and trying to keep the 3 year old away from them, lol. If they were a little older and not so needy this would be a great solution, and I plan on keeping it in my back pocket.

LadyG, my H is actually a rock star these days. When he comes home every day he gives me a break and lets me go off to get some quiet time by myself while he watches the kids. He does what he can to help with the chores and stuff around the house, hasn't given me any stupid 'you're home all day, why isn't XYZ done' crap. He knows the school stuff takes a huge amount of my time. And he listens patiently when I complain, which helps.

dontsaylovely, yes, I definitely have thought of that, too. It's just hard because this weird thing happens when a parent tries to play teacher to their kids when they've never been in that role before AND the kids are sitting in their own kitchen as opposed to a classroom - there's a lot of pushback, whining, arguing and sometimes I feel like it's quantity over quality these days in regards to time spent. BUT, that's probably not how they'll remember it, so I still consider it a silver lining for sure.

Anyway, yeah - thank you everyone, for letting me cry on your shoulder (virtually, of course, as is the 2020 way).

[This message edited by beauchateaux at 1:51 PM, October 20th (Tuesday)]

The1stWife posted 10/24/2020 06:24 AM

Can you reach out to other local moms in your area or school district for some support or guidance?

Maybe trade off and have a classmate of your children Provide some help on assignments etc. itís like a buddy system type of arrangement.

Takes some pressure off you.

pureheartkit posted 10/25/2020 22:32 PM

Don't have any good ideas but i th I k we will all be figuring this out and you can return. I'm glad you are all ok. None of this is fun. Bless nurses everywhere!

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