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Wh wonít leave

Pages: 1 · 2

Gottagetthrough posted 10/11/2020 14:34 PM

He technically has until October 18 to leave but I know he wonít. Iíll have to go thru my lawyer, then possibly get police involved. I canít handle that. Iím so tired. The baby is teething and I havenít had a good nights sleep in 3 weeks.

I just want him to be an adult and freaking move out and leave me alone. But if he were an adult I guess we wouldnít be in this spot .

I have no help. I am so tired. Wh just spends his days asleep or on his phone, all in his bedroom. Then heíll go to work during the week, but back to the bedroom when he gets home. Doesnít wash bottles. Doesnít feed baby. Doesnít get up at night. Doesnít bathe baby. Doesnít play with baby. Doesnít take baby for walks. Doesnít wash babyís clothes.

The1stWife posted 10/11/2020 19:01 PM

Maybe that is his strategy. If you do not have help and have to do this in your own youíll beg him to stay.

Or heís that much of a jerk that he doesnít feel obligated to support his child or do anything to help.

Because you are telling him to leave. You are ďevilĒ to make him face consequences.

The good news is teething doesnít last forever. It will get better.

Your lazy spouse ? Maybe not.

Anna123 posted 10/11/2020 19:58 PM

Can you ask a family member or friend, or even pay an adult sitter you are comfortable with, to watch the baby for a few hours so you can SLEEP knowing you don't have to listen for the baby. Even a couple of times a week makes all the difference. You need a responsibility break for a few hours or it is just too much to handle.

Make sure you call the lawyer that day to get the process started as soon as legally possible. As bad as lack of sleep and a break is, it is better without dumb ass there as a spectator.

I am trying to think of creative ways to make staying too uncomfortable for him. Hmmmm------ It would be a shame if he accidentally got woken multiple times every time the baby woke up at night or even just when you were checking on him/her :-).

Adlham posted 10/11/2020 20:09 PM

Oooh, Anna, you are mean! I like it!

Hide a baby monitor receiver in there!

Ok, on a serious note, you've got 7 more days. Get in touch with the police now, explain that he has to be out on the 18th, you don't feel safe, can they please send an officer over to facilitate the move.

Listen, I know how hard this is. My baby was 3 months old when I had to do exactly all that.

It was awful but I kept my shit together til he was gone.

20 years later, I am married to an amazing man and my life is pretty good.

You can do this. I am right beside you in spirit.

Planetx posted 10/11/2020 22:05 PM

My XWH was like that when I kicked him to the curb. I applaud you, for being able to do this on your own. I tried to leave my XWH years ago, but it was too hard doing it on my own. It really felt like XWH was trying to break me. Do you have a friend or family member who could let you catch up on sleep, at least one night interrupted? I would reach out for help if you have family nearby.

I really hope he leaves soon, your stress will decrease so much when he is gone. I would have your lawyer ready to complete whatever the next steps are if he won't go on his own.

OwningItNow posted 10/11/2020 22:08 PM

He definitely sounds like he's using the, "I'll punish her!" plan, hoping you'll be miserable enough to break and allow whatever little you get from him to be enough.

You are honestly so strong. I know how hard this is. Babies are so tiny but so much work--it's shocking actually. Then the emotional stress of pulling yourself out of this with no help from him on TOP of baby stress! Wooah! You are one tough lady, even though you don't feel like it.

Is there no, no, no help anywhere?
A relative?
A friend?
A friend with a kid who can help?
The ymca?
A college nearby?
I know Covid and all, but just so the baby plays with someone but you for a little bit.

Like the others say, prep for when he doesn't leave. This is a staring contest, and he thinks you will eventually blink. Get advice from your lawyer, from the police, from SI (lol), from Google and Alexa. Get all the info you can on getting him out BEFORE the 18th. He's not counting on you being that smart, but you are.

Can I just say, what an asshole for his behavior. Clearly a narcissist. Nobody but the personality disordered could treat their child this way.


crazyblindsided posted 10/12/2020 01:01 AM

(((Gottagetthrough))) I'm so sorry you are also dealing with a narcissistic man-child. My STBX made it as hard as possible for me to leave. It's disgusting when they act like this.

I second the try to lean on as many people in your support group as possible to help get you through this time and sleep as often as you can to recharge.

Gottagetthrough posted 10/12/2020 18:27 PM

Thank you all

I actually had a good night sleep last night after FINALLY getting baby to sleep. It took about 45 min

Wh and I were fighting this morning so I took tushnurseís advice from a few weeks ago . She said to have a RA with myself!

I thought of that advice at about 10 am and said damnit, why not?

So I thought of something that would make me happy and did it!

It was to see an art show 2 1/2 hours away and get a sugary drink thu the drive thru to have on the way

Didnít tell wh where I was going, I had a fun time listening to music and decompressing in the car, and the baby slept the whole way there, the only issue was that I started so late I had to see one.piece and turn around to get my son from school.

Thatís ok though, I love that museum and want to go back again this week- maybe not tomorrow but I will go again. And get a coffee and muffin from my favorite bakery on the way next time.

Iím also buying 3 books tonight.

Spending wildly! Going places I want to! Drinking drinks full of sugar! This is my revenge affair with myself!

Ratpicker posted 10/12/2020 19:55 PM

Gottagetthrough - great idea heading out to the art show and nurishing your soul! One thing to consider, if it is available in your area. Contact your local PD and ask about hiring an off duty officer. I knew some local churches did that to direct traffic on Sunday mornings so I figured it was a possibility. I sent an email inquiry and got a quick response, it was $25 per hour with a four hour minimum. So I spent $100 instead of my attorney's hourly rate while the (now) X and his attorney could come back in the house to get photos "to appraise the contents" (ha-ha like there was anything worth paying to appraise). Trying to co-ordinate a schedule with both attorney's was nerve wraking, so I let the opposition set day & time, and hired the officer. (Who parked his squad car out front). Diffused any adversarial conversations or confrontations!

little turtle posted 10/12/2020 20:22 PM

I missed something.. How is it that he has until October 18 to leave? Did the owner of the house inform him of this? Is he being evicted?

I'm not at all surprised that he is not helping you out. Was he helping before? I thought you've been doing it all forever.

I'm glad to hear you took some time for yourself. Much needed and much deserved. Keep looking out for you!!!

Gottagetthrough posted 10/13/2020 07:52 AM

Little turtle- in July Wh signed a separation agreement that stated when I give him written notice that I want him to leave, he has 45 days to get out .

I keep telling him OCTOBER 18

He is not going to leave . Why would he? He knows Iím a wimp and I wonít call the cops on him.

And yes, Iíve been doing it all forever. A few months ago he was helping a little (a diaper change here, making a bottle there) he told me that I had said Iíll do 100% of the care for baby if heíd have another(which I did). I said, ďdude. Iím doing 99% of care. I ask for help 1% of the timeĒ

He said, ď I know. I want you to do that 1% of child care, too, thoughĒ

I swear I thought he was a better person last year. I didnít see the EA coming, I thought heíd be better with the baby, I swear I had no idea. Atleast not consciously.

I have no plan for Oct 18. He knows I wonít call the cops, because I donít want a scene in the neighborhood. It would also affect his job and I need child support. I am leaving thanksgiving to January with the kids out of town. (They have off /virtual learning that time). I keep on leaving for months at a time while he is staying.

He stayed with OW 1 for many months after the shine wore off from their fling. He was cheating on her at the time. He stayed because she had a nice house and he needed a place to live. I feel like heís using me for the exact reason.

Edited to add- I know I need to kick him out, call the cops, etc, but I canít seem to do it. My therapist says itís learned helplessness. Iím working on it. For now Iím in the guest room, and trying to do things I love and plan for the future without him (saw a friend this weekend, trying to plan for a trip in the next year or two, and hopefully go back to school).

Iím very weak when it comes to this issue. I keep backsliding, I know what I should do but canít seem to do it.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 7:56 AM, October 13th (Tuesday)]

tushnurse posted 10/13/2020 08:14 AM


Please keep focusing on you, your needs, your kids, and what is best for them. When you do that, you will find the strength, and energy to follow through.

So let's take a step back. What happens when you don't follow through if he doesn't leave on assigned date? Do you loose all ground? Do you have to start all over? Do you still get to call the cops, on a day you are feeling stronger, and say it's time, please remove him?

Remember he is showing your kids a very dysfunctional, abusive, shitty, way of behaving as a spouse. YOU do deserve so much better, even just having him gone will make your life easier. It then is just you and the kids.

Now your older kids can help you out too. That's what families do. How about the kids are in charge of laundry, and they each have to make a dinner per week. Whatever other chore that is always hanging over your head that your kids are capable of? Seriously, there is ZERO wrong with making your kids be accountable for some chores. It's how a household works. If my kids didn't do any chores when they were younger, it would have made life a hell of a lot harder. My 2 did their own laundry at 7 & 9. This was due to me having a high speed come apart one morning, when one told me they didn't have any clean clothes, and the other changing her outfit 3 times, and putting everything into the laundry each time she changed.
The boy had to clean their bathroom. The girl had to clean the half bath weekly. They also did vacuuming, and litter boxes, and they both were assigned cooking chores in the summer.
Now they are 21 & 23, they can cook, clean, and do their own laundry. My daughter actually taught her one friend how to do laundry freshman year at school.

My point is you are stronger than you know. You have untapped resources to offload some of your burdens. You can change your life, don't let fatigue, fear, or habit stop you.

homewrecked2011 posted 10/13/2020 10:26 AM

After Dday, I had to go to a 2 week outpatient treatment Program.

Here is something I learnedó every time a person said anything like ďI always .........Ē The group responded ďUntil nowĒ. So, when you say,ĒIíve never been strong enough to call the cops on him,Ē, follow it up immediately ďUntil now!Ē.

nekonamida posted 10/13/2020 10:44 AM

I have no plan for Oct 18. He knows I wonít call the cops, because I donít want a scene in the neighborhood.

Respectfully, get over it. So what if it causes a scene? It's a scene he created. If anyone asks about it, tell them what happened. That is HIS embarrassment and shame to carry. Not yours. Talk to your IC about this and why living in a dysfunctional limbo indefinitely of bringing the kids back and forth while he continues to do whatever the hell he wants is a better choice than 30 minutes of a slightly embarrassing police interaction.

It would also affect his job and I need child support.

How? Unless he has security clearance contingent on him never interacting with the police, it won't. Even if shit hits the fan and he gets arrested, most employers will not care. He will likely have some story to make you look like a psycho who called the cops for no reason and made up a bunch of lies. At best, people will talk but it's very unlikely that anything will happen unless there is a rule on the books at his job that says an arrest will result in termination. And if he goes willingly when the police show up, there won't be an arrest. So is this a real concern or one you tell yourself to avoid doing something uncomfortable?

nekonamida posted 10/13/2020 10:46 AM

I just want to point out - you are SO close to the end of the shit sandwich. You are 5 days away. And it would be a damn shame if you allow your own issues to self sabotage and turn this into months of you still being entangled with him all because you couldn't bare to make a phone call and deal with 30 minutes of semi-public discomfort.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 10:48 AM, October 13th (Tuesday)]

Adlham posted 10/13/2020 11:53 AM

Gotta, it's less of a scene than you realize.

I had one LEO who just hung out til my ex got his stuff out.

If you set it up in advance, it is pretty laid back.

I know how hard this all is. I really do. I remember feeling embarrassed and ashamed.

But it is not our fault! Took a long time for me to internalize that.

You are stronger than you know.


barcher144 posted 10/13/2020 12:38 PM

Respectfully, get over it. So what if it causes a scene?

Gotta, it's less of a scene than you realize.

As a guy who was on the wrong end of something like this, yes... please call the police and have him escorted from the premises.

Then, change the locks and don't look back.

tushnurse posted 10/13/2020 15:40 PM

I hope you are listening Gotta.

I think back to when that baby was just born and what an ass he was to you, and all the pressure you had, and how you monstermom pushed through all of that so you could breast feed your baby.

I think back to this summer when you were away from him and his toxins, and how happy you were. I hope you know that you can do this, you can make a new life for you and your kiddos.

You got this. He isn't going to push you around anymore.

nekonamida posted 10/13/2020 16:02 PM

Gotta, it's less of a scene than you realize.
I had one LEO who just hung out til my ex got his stuff out.

I'm seconding this. I was with a friend when she got a RO against a roommate/semi-romantic partner (complicated situation) and this is how it goes. They send 1-2 officers (3 were sent for him because he had a record and they gleefully told him how only the special ones get 3), the officer says, "You're not supposed to be here. Let's go." They watch him get his stuff and make sure he leaves. That's it. If you set it up through the nonemergency line, there will be no sirens. There will not be a scene unless he chooses to make a scene.

If you need to do this, stand outside. Don't talk to him. Don't look at him. Completely ignore him. If he makes a scene, that's on him. If he gets arrested because he got hostile with an office or refused to go, that's on him too.

ZenMumWalking posted 10/15/2020 06:35 AM

I have no plan for Oct 18.

Then make one. NOW!!!!!!

Please Please PLEASE - do as the others have said. Set it up already with LEO so that on 18 (or 19 latest) they are there and prepared to accompany him to LEAVE.

Don't tell him about your plan, JUST DO IT - AND follow through.

Is there anything you would not do to protect your children from harm? Well, him being there is toxic and therefore causing your children harm.

Stop thinking about yourself, your (perceived) 'wimpyness', the 'scene' you are imagining, and START thinking about protecting your children if you won't protect yourself.

If you won't do it for you, then do it for them. They deserve better. And you are just the momma bear that will stand up for them.

You have gotten a lot of good advice here. TAKE IT.

Sending strength to you and waiting to hear back from you that he is OUT of YOUR house.


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