X

Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

more information about cookies...

Return to Forum List

Return to General

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > General

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Past sexual history obstacle

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10

Butforthegrace posted 10/15/2020 07:01 AM

"Retroactive jealousy". Interesting.

My observation about this is that it tends to be detail-specific, and it usually derives from an unfulfilled fantasy on the part of the jealous person. "I never had a ONS where a woman did X, but I always wanted this." You find out that the woman you are now dating had a ONS where she did X with the partner. It triggers you. Often, these triggers are illogical. Maybe the woman you're dating does X with you whenever and wherever you want, but since it's not in the context of a ONS, for whatever internal insecurity-based reason, you can't get past the trigger.

I agree that it's illogical. Dumb. Self-defeating. But it is what it is. Many of us hae our triggers that are personal and subjective.

However, in the context of this thread, where the person triggering is the liar/cheater in the marriage, it imposes a paradoxical choice on the BW.

DragnHeart posted 10/15/2020 08:40 AM

What choice?

I have absolutely no sympathy or empathy for him and this thing that maybe bothers him, maybe not. Frankly it's his issue regardless so I really dont care.

As I said this was never mentioned until AFTER his affairs. If it had beens such a big deal I'm sure he would have brought unit up sooner...

Maybe it's because he disnt get a chance to fuck sisters, at the same time during all his affair bullshit. Poor baby can barely handle me in bed, he coukdnt handle two woman lol

oldtruck posted 10/15/2020 08:58 AM

"Retroactive jealousy". Interesting.
My observation about this is that it tends to be detail-specific, and it usually derives from an unfulfilled fantasy on the part of the jealous person. "I never had a ONS where a woman did X, but I always wanted this." You find out that the woman you are now dating had a ONS where she did X with the partner. It triggers you. Often, these triggers are illogical. Maybe the woman you're dating does X with you whenever and wherever you want, but since it's not in the context of a ONS, for whatever internal insecurity-based reason, you can't get past the trigger.

I agree that it's illogical. Dumb. Self-defeating. But it is what it is. Many of us hae our triggers that are personal and subjective.

However, in the context of this thread, where the person triggering is the liar/cheater in the marriage, it imposes a paradoxical choice on the BW.

a woman's and a man's sexual history when they become a
couple will never matchup.

depending on the man the amount of RJ will vary from
not liking it but he puts it out of his mind. To where it will
eat away at the man forever.

best way to avoid RJ is to not talk about your sexual pasts
with each other. rather to talk about want you like and want
to do with each other.

however once there is an affair than all bets are off.

WalkingHome posted 10/15/2020 12:04 PM

The key to eliminating retroactive jealousy is 2 fold-


No surprises....tell your future wife/husband exactly who you are, what you believe, where you have been, and what you did with whom. If they don't accept this, so be it...move on. Informed consent, in a way.


Second, men will generally be unwilling to accept less than was given to a previous man. Flat out...guys are going to size themselves up against prior partners. Nobody is obligated to do anything but understand that there is not a man on earth who will gladly accept less in the bedroom or in the relationship, than was given to another prior man...especially a ONS or someone who didn't have to put the work in to be there.


Those to things solve 99% of it.

EllieKMAS posted 10/15/2020 12:23 PM

No surprises....tell your future wife/husband exactly who you are, what you believe, where you have been, and what you did with whom. If they don't accept this, so be it...move on. Informed consent, in a way.
Agree with this 100%. Cliche but true - honesty is the best policy, always.
Second, men will generally be unwilling to accept less than was given to a previous man. Flat out...guys are going to size themselves up against prior partners. Nobody is obligated to do anything but understand that there is not a man on earth who will gladly accept less in the bedroom or in the relationship, than was given to another prior man...especially a ONS or someone who didn't have to put the work in to be there.
Thiiiissss one.... I know you said 'nobody is obligated to do anything', but.... sorry, as a woman - just because I did a, b, or c with one person does NOT mean I must then do a, b, or c with another. Just speaking for myself, but if a man is so insecure about what I did in a bedroom 10 or 15 or 20 years ago then that sounds like a him problem, not a me problem.

Dragn - I will say again - if you are serious about the living as roommates/IHS proposition, then really all you need to say to wh when he has his little tantrums is "I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away. If you were serious about R or saving the marriage, then yes, those types of convos would need to be hashed out. Since it seems like you are not really interested in R or M more than on paper and with basic civility, why bother getting in these types of emotionally charged discussions with him at all? What possible purpose does it serve you to do so?

Butforthegrace posted 10/15/2020 12:33 PM

Second, men will generally be unwilling to accept less than was given to a previous man.

At some point, what is "less" or "more" becomes esoteric. My current wife and I both had a decent amount of experience before getting married. We did go through the full disclosure thing. Her partner number was a bit higher than mine, but my "degree of difficulty" was higher. The odd thing was, she had a bit of RJ toward some of the more adventurous things I'd done, and in fact wanted to do some of them with me, sort of like a desire to own those things.

DragnHeart posted 10/15/2020 13:22 PM

basic civility, why bother getting in these types of emotionally charged discussions with him at all?

Coming at me with little jabs from past sexual partners isnt "basic civility ".

I will not stand for being treated less than what I deserve.

Also there was no emotion other than a disgust and annoyance to my voice as I responded back with poor baby didn't get his rocks off with sisters when he had the chance.

Once I made it clear that I never wanted to hear about it again it hasnt been discussed since. And wont.

Second, men will generally be unwilling to accept less than was given to a previous man. Flat out...guys are going to size themselves up against prior partners

Again that's HIS problem not mine. I'm not going to make out a list of everything I did with every partner and make sure wh one ups the other guys just to soothe his poor frigging ego.

RealityBlows posted 10/15/2020 14:35 PM

This is the perspective of some men. Itís not fair but, this is how many men think-especially those who have been traumatized, or conditioned to think this way through certain life experiences:

Some women are notorious for making huge concessions when choosing a mate for marriage. For some, the hierarchy of needs are security, stability, civility, personality and way down on the list is sexual chemistry. They will compromise sexual chemistry for things higher on their pragmatic list, and then, down the road, begin to regret that decision realizing they completely underestimated the importance of sexual chemistry. Many women have settled for less sexually desirable men who are more productive, safe and secure leaving men in their past who had much more sexual traction. Leaving men in their past who were risky long term relationship prospects but...rocked their world sexually. Sometimes women will reminisce about these men, in various ways, for years. Women are resourceful savvy survivors. Many women have evolved through the ages to survive, and in any way possible, and will make whatever compromises that are necessary to secure a stable and comfortable existence and provider for the nest. Women through the ages have not had a lot of control over their quality of life and destinies and have been conditioned to make concessions on sexual needs in favor of survival needs. Men, donít commonly make these same concessions or, donít have to make them.

This is what many men worry about. They worry that they are providers primarily and are not fully loved, in every way, and that our mates harbor someone or some type of man they would much rather be with if it wasnít for all the practicalities of life getting in the way. And this desire is latent, lying dormant, fomenting and growing as the novelty of marriage and all itís trappings begins to fade.

This is a manís worst nightmare. Biggest insecurity.

Weíre constantly watching out for signs of this. And, over the years, we pick up fragments of knowledge about your past relationships, we slowly start to learn and see contrast between this relationship and her past relationships.

When we hear that you would take showers every night with your former lover but, have never stepped foot in our shower, seem annoyed when we interrupt her shower...

When we see that you have a huge lingerie collection but, have never once worn any of it with us...

When we hear that you did X, Y, and Z with other guys but, never with us...

When we see pictures of you hanging all over the other guys in your photo albums but, never show us that level of affection...

When she never initiates...

When sheís never spontaneous...

When sheís not as adventurous...

When sex seems like a chore...

It begs the question.

And then comes the dead or near dead bedroom situation. And your wife says sheís never really been sexual with ANY men. That this is just the way she is and always has been. And, because they love her, they accept this and adapt.

Then 15 years into the marriage, after youíve totally invested yourself, your fortune, your future, your career, your soul, and children with and into this woman, she cheats and turns into a sexual Tyrannosaurus with her AP and, You. Are. Fíd

Thereís no reconciling from that. Youíre done.

Now, I know this also happens in reverse. And, I know this isnít inclusive of the entire gender but, this is what goes through our silly irrational heads.

Not gonna lie to ya.

Booyah posted 10/15/2020 14:41 PM

Does past sexual history matter? Possibly.

Dating someone who also dated my brother(s)?

Not just no but HELL NO!!!

DragnHeart posted 10/15/2020 14:43 PM

Alrighty let me just make this clear.

NONE of the above applies to the situation this thread was started about.

I'm not about to turn one wayward husband low ball jab at bringing his wife down to his level into a debate about the sexual needs of men, especially betrayed men. More than enough threads have gone on and on.


Ok I get it sex is just so damn important to you.

But to suggest that a woman must make sure her husband one ups all her previous partners or gets to even some mythical score is bullshit.

My past is my past. His past is his past.

What matters is what the couple decides is best for them going forward.


(I didnt date them back to back. I was friends with brother one while dating brother two. Years later after my engagement to a totally different guy fell through brother one made a move on me and we started to date.)

RealityBlows posted 10/15/2020 14:59 PM

Yes, absolutely itís bull shit. Many guys have sabotaged their relationships through this self fulfilling prophecy. Women do EXACTLY the same thing but, more along the lines of emotional investment. If they see signs that the man was more emotionally invested in someone in their past, the same retro jealousy sequela evolves.

Now in your case DragnHeart, I believe your WS is reaching out for low hanging fruit reasons to justify what he did. To redirect sympathy. Thereís probably some truth to his revelation of retro jealousy and itís role in his A but, of course, is not a reason to cheat. Itís is something to talk about completely aside from the A bit, I remember my WS desperately bringing up random shit to rationalize her A and how destructive that was to R. How it irritated the shit out of me and really sent us backwards.

Booyah posted 10/15/2020 15:03 PM

You asked a question on a forum on the Internet.

I answered your question.

Sorry you don't like my answer.

Let me say that you have nothing to be ashamed of dating his brothers nor did you do anything wrong.

He knew you dated his brothers and he continued to date you. If it was a problem he should have spoke up a long time ago.

In my case if I would have found out that ANY girl that I went out with had dated my brother the relationship would have ended right there. Dated two of my brothers???

DevastatedDee posted 10/15/2020 15:06 PM

Some women are notorious for making huge concessions when choosing a mate for marriage. For some, the hierarchy of needs are security, stability, civility, personality and way down on the list is sexual chemistry. They will compromise sexual chemistry for things higher on their pragmatic list, and then, down the road, begin to regret that decision realizing they completely underestimated the importance of sexual chemistry. Many women have settled for less sexually desirable men who are more productive, safe and secure leaving men in their past who had much more sexual traction. Leaving men in their past who were risky long term relationship prospects but...rocked their world sexually. Sometimes women will reminisce about these men, in various ways, for years. Women are resourceful savvy survivors. Many women have evolved through the ages to survive, and in any way possible, and will make whatever compromises that are necessary to secure a stable and comfortable existence and provider for the nest. Women through the ages have not had a lot of control over their quality of life and destinies and have been conditioned to make concessions on sexual needs in favor of survival needs. Men, donít commonly make these same concessions or, donít have to make them.

As a college educated woman who supports herself and doesn't "need" anyone, reading this is just fucking weird, man. Yes, if I were in the 1910s and couldn't take care of myself because society deemed it necessary that I convince someone to take care of me, I'm sure I'd have to figure out how to prostitute myself best to my future husband and love and attraction wouldn't be as important as having food on the table. As we are not in those times anymore, I expect that most of us do value sexual chemistry very highly as we do not require a man to ensure our next meal or a roof over our heads. If this still applies in 2020 in dating, then I don't know WTF is going wrong.

TKOGA posted 10/15/2020 15:15 PM

Booyah I don't think she dated two of her husband's brothers. Before she met her husband two of the guys she dated when she was younger happened to be brothers. And the relationships were years apart from each other.

DragnHeart posted 10/15/2020 15:21 PM

He knew you dated his brothers and he continued to date you. If it was a problem he should have spoke up a long time ago.

In my case if I would have found out that ANY girl that I went out with had dated my brother the relationship would have ended right there. Dated two of my brothers???


Omg NO RELATION TO MY CURRENT HUSBAND.

And about 10 years before I even met my current wh.


These are brothers I went to the same school with. Both in grades above me. After high school I was friends with the younger brother but did date briefly his older brother.

Again these guys are NOT RELATED TO MY CURRWNT HUSBAMD. I DATED THE BROTHERS YEARS APART.

MY CURRENT HUSBAND USES THE "FUCKED BROTHERS" THIBG TO IMPLY I FUCKED BOTH AT THE SAME TIME WHICH IS NOT TRUE AND TO MAKE ME SEEM AS SEXUALLY DEVUANT AS HE WAS/IS HABUBG MULTUPKE AFFAIRS FUCKING ANY VAGINA HE CAN GET.

HE ALSO NEVER BROUGHT IT UP BEFORE HE HAD HIS AFFAIRS. UGH!

CLEAR ENOUGH???

Booyah posted 10/15/2020 15:25 PM

I misunderstood but what cleared it up for me was you using all CAPS!!

DragnHeart posted 10/15/2020 15:34 PM

Cant help but get frustrated when one must repeat the same thing over and over...


This isnt a case of a wayward wife denying her betrayed husband some well deserved sexual stuff.

It's a wayward husband weaponizing his betrayed wife's sexual past, that had never been an issue before his affairs, to justify his own shitty behaviour.

WalkingHome posted 10/15/2020 15:35 PM

Thiiiissss one.... I know you said 'nobody is obligated to do anything', but.... sorry, as a woman - just because I did a, b, or c with one person does NOT mean I must then do a, b, or c with another. Just speaking for myself, but if a man is so insecure about what I did in a bedroom 10 or 15 or 20 years ago then that sounds like a him problem, not a me problem.


To clarify my point- It has zero to do with insecurity. It is valuation.


Men are naturally competitive. Every day is competition, from work to sports to dating...all day, every day, whether we like it or not. Men see winners in life and losers. The winner gets laid. The winner doesn't beg to get laid. The winner doesn't ask for a BJ...it is enthusiastically offered because he is the winner.

Every guy on earth knows what it feels like to lose...and that sting never goes away. They also know what it looks like to win.

In marriage, the husband wants to know that he WON...he has arrived and is THE MAN above all others. He needs proof of this and a big part of that is the enthusiasm his wife shows him in the bedroom. If she shows less than she showed with an ex...what is that saying to him in plain physical evidence? That he didn't really "win"...he just crossed the finish line.


Women break all the rules to be with a winner.

Women make extra rules for losers...."it's too xyz, I'm too xyz, we just did xyz last week, why do you want xyz, I don't do that anymore..."


Every guy on earth has experienced it at one time or another. None will stay in loserville for long.

DragnHeart posted 10/15/2020 15:50 PM

Ys know men really need to get it through the head on their shoulders that value and esteem come from SELF.

That's why it's called self esteem.

Your worth and value as a man, as a human comes from within.

Trying to fill some void with whatever the flavour of the month is has proven over and over it never works.

And this must be just some men because I know a few who coukdnt give a rats ass what their SO did before they hooked up. They know their worth and value as a man, husband and father without having to have their ego stroked non stop.

EllieKMAS posted 10/15/2020 16:03 PM

Women break all the rules to be with a winner.

Women make extra rules for losers...."it's too xyz, I'm too xyz, we just did xyz last week, why do you want xyz, I don't do that anymore..."

Say whatever you want to about how men are, but please PLEASE do not put all women in the same category - especially not this one. Just because A woman or some women might be like this (and mind you, I am not saying that these kinds of women don't exist - they do) does not mean ALL of them are. It's insulting as fuck here especially where a lot of women are dealing with a spouse/SO who cheated on them and a lot of whom are already hurting and struggling to regain and comprehend their own worth.

FWIW, a lot of women I know, both virtually on SI and IRL, would not 'break all the rules' to date some collar-popped testosterone-saturated 'alpha' male 'winner' I personally find those types of guys incredibly boring to be around and steer well clear of them. Give me honesty, intelligence, a good heart, and a killer sense of humor 'loser' over the 'winner' guy any fucking day.

Dragn nailed it:

Y know men really need to get it through the head on their shoulders that value and esteem come from SELF.
That's why it's called self esteem.
Your worth and value as a man, as a human comes from within.
Ding ding ding!

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10

Return to Forum List

Return to General

© 2002-2020 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy