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Triggers and how WS reacts

PearlyBaker posted 10/2/2020 00:08 AM

Me and my WS are still in limbo. Things have been ok. Better good than bad, but still feeling neutral if anything.

We were watching standup comedy and the comic started talking about his wife in labor. Pregnancy, labor and infancy are extremely triggering topics for me. His A happened at this time in my life and he pretty much wasnít there for me physically and emotionally at all.

Itís been awhile since I brought up A topics with him, but tonight when the comedian mentioned it I couldnít help but to have a reaction. He immediately got defensive, threw something at me, told me Iím unappreciative and stormed out.


I donít believe heís still going outside our marriageBut, I donít believe he actually wants to face reality. He doesnít care enough to try and fix shit. Iíve asked him over and over to find a therapist if he wants to save this. He just keeps telling me Iím using him and ungrateful.

I know I just need to pull myself up by the bootstraps, become independent and let go, but its so hard!!! HELP!!

The1stWife posted 10/2/2020 04:24 AM

He immediately got defensive, threw something at me, told me Iím unappreciative and stormed out.

Iím sorry you are still suffering at the hands of your H. He clearly doesnít get his role in making amends.

He stormed out b/c he doesnít want to face the shame, pain and embarrassment his affair brought to your lives. Heís a coward.

He stormed out and threw something at you b/c heís a coward and a jerk. He is not mature enough to accept any blame. Heís not interested in repairing the M. Heís interested in avoiding the issues.

You donít have much to work with here.

You need to focus on you and heal yourself. Heís not going to add much or do much to help you. There is a great YouTube video by Will Smith called Fault vs Responsibility. Watch it. It helped me tremendously.

Your spouse can only help you heal yourself to a point. The rest is on you.

Think of it like this. You are in a car accident. Not your fault (just like the affair). You break your leg. You go to the doctor to repair your broken leg. You go to physical therapy to mend the break and get walking again. You do everything possible until your leg is 100% or as close to 100% as possible.

Same with healing from an affair. It is up to you to heal yourself. To get to a place where you are happy and living your best life. Sometimes it may mean the end of your marriage. Sometimes reconciliation is not in the cards b/c the cheater wonít really commit to do everything possible to make amends or repair the damage.

My H ó married 32.years today ó Has never thrown anything at me. Heíd be sorry if he did. I donít tolerate that type of disrespect or outburst. Period.

Even my children know that.

DIFM posted 10/2/2020 06:35 AM

He is still an unsafe partner. His thinking is still the infidelity mindset: selfish, blame-shifting, little to no genuine remorse and empathy. You are cannot be in R for as long as the cheating spouse reacts as yours did.

You deserve to be comforted and he is obligated, if he is truly remorseful, to not be defensive, to be contrite, and show empathy for the trauma he caused.

I am sorry that you are still going through this and that he is still so far away from "getting it". Keep in mind nothing you can do or want will change him. He controls what he does or doesn't do. You can only decide what are the limits that you can not only live with, but thrive and be happy with.

Chaos posted 10/2/2020 08:10 AM

He immediately got defensive, threw something at me, told me Iím unappreciative and stormed out.

This concerns me on many levels.

The little man-child didn't like reality so he threw a tantrum. This makes him a selfish and unremorseful partner. Proverbially holding his hands over his ears doesn't make reality go away.

The little man-child threw something at you. IDGAF if it was a paper or a paperweight. He didn't like something and resorted to violence. This scares me. Behavior like this usually escalates. Sometimes so fast you didn't see it coming and sometimes so slow you don't recognize it for what it is. But it usually escalates.

Please - get your ducks in a row and have a plan for if/when it all goes to plaid.


LadyG posted 10/3/2020 23:07 PM

How are you using him? He sounds like my STBXWH. He used me for a punching bag for 3 decades before I stood up to him and left.

As others have advised, start preparing your exit from this terrible situation. Prepare for separation. Time apart could be make or break for the two of you.

I waited too long to get out and here I am still trying to Divorce.

crazyblindsided posted 10/4/2020 08:48 AM

know I just need to pull myself up by the bootstraps, become independent and let go, but its so hard!!! HELP!!

(((PearlyBaker))) it is the hardest thing I have ever done but was worth it. Seriously I've been here for YEARS struggling with a WS who acts just like yours. No empathy for me just wanted me to move on so he could continue with his entitled life. It was all about him. Even in separation it is still all about him. My STBX is a disgusting piece of sh*t.

He immediately got defensive, threw something at me, told me Iím unappreciative and stormed out

He just keeps telling me Iím using him and ungrateful.

people that act like this make me want to kick them upside their head. He threw something at you why? Because he doesn't like your reaction? It makes his sad sorry self feel bad?

I would detach from him and his acting this way should be helping you to detach. Healthy people just don't act like that. You deserve better even if it's just you. I can tell you that being alone with myself has been a relief not having to deal with my ex's tantrums and ugliness anymore.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 8:49 AM, October 4th (Sunday)]

nekonamida posted 10/4/2020 12:27 PM

He immediately got defensive, threw something at me, told me Iím unappreciative and stormed out.

PB, he threw something at you? Whether he hit you with it or not, this is abusive. Calling you ungrateful and accusing you of using him when you bring up your reasonable concerns is abusive. This is not going to get better.

I know I just need to pull myself up by the bootstraps, become independent and let go, but its so hard!!!

Re-read the 180 and follow it. No more begging him to do ANYTHING. The answer is no. He's not doing it. No more hugs. No more kisses. No more sex. No more cuddling on the couch watching stand up. Stop making it easy for him to be married to you while he treats you like crap. Any niceness from you after an outburst tells him he gets to cheat all he wants, intimidate you into rugsweeping, ignore all of your pleas for therapy, and you still give him the time of day meaning he doesn't have to do anything in order to keep getting love and affection from you. So stop allowing him to be comfortable in this marriage.

DETACH. Don't Even Think About Changing Him. Get yourself into IC and ask yourself why it's okay for you to accept abusive behavior in exchange for PERCEIVED faithfulness from him. Because it sounds like you're not really sure if he's stepping out or not because you don't have transparency enough to know and his behavior is suspiciously the same as it was when you know he wasn't faithful.

This is a low bar you have set for him to stay married to you. You DO deserve better. You deserve a loving, faithful, healthy spouse. If he won't give you that, you have to put yourself first and move on from him.

dancin-gal posted 10/4/2020 12:46 PM

Great advice from all the responses above ! Print them out and reread them .. no one should throw anything at you except a baby who doesnít know better . Do the 180 and take care of your self .. abandonment issues will continue to hurt , trigger you until they are acknowledged and dealt with .. your WS isnít helping you over come the trigger. Concentrate on healing yourself and take care of your children..

sshawness posted 10/4/2020 20:36 PM

Looks like he is willing to keep things at "better good than bad" as long as you STFU and continue to take his abuse. He really threw something at you because you expressed feeling bad about the reminder of his A? He sucks.

It is reasonable for you to expect more effort than just not continuing to cheat. It is reasonable for you to expect him to go to therapy. It is reasonable for you to expect to be comforted when something triggers a horrible memory that he caused. Expecting those things does not make you unappreciative or ungrateful. He really sucks.

I'm sorry Pearly. You deserve better. He needs to feel some consequences.

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