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the trauma was to much

Lostking posted 10/1/2020 13:56 PM

hi to all
me and xo got married when we where 19 years.we dated for a year and acouple.i always told xo i was going to marry her and i would take care of her since her parents devorced
.At stages me and xo made some horrible mistakes when it comes to cheating but still we loved eachother and always came back to one another since it would be something like one night stand etc not something serious.
since we have been married i was the one that cheated on xo at first.i wasnt loyal xo found out and i almost give up my career.i was always away from home and i slipped up while xo was loyal.i felt xo's pain and it took me years to gain xo's trust.xo moved to where im working we and we started building a family.2012 my son was born and 3 years along the line xo started full blown affair and when i found out xo just vanished to stay with xo's mother.i was broken for days the moviethoughts got me,the thought of who knew and the shit i had to go tru to comort xo and here you fucken do the same thing.i ended up using pills and getting professional help.
in the time xo left i slept with one of my colleages but it did no justice.i manage to get xo from xo's mothers place to come and stay with me again but xo was hardend and bitter and showed little affection but i soldiered on.we had an open heart about xo affair and i told xo that i had a one night with a colleage.instantly xo had reason to say that it fair that both did so lets just get over it.in desperation of.thinking about our son i we carried on cause i fucken did the same. we had a daughter again and life was fine with a family of two kids now.
three years down the line it happend again and this time it was worse for me.i was ashamed, battered down and out again but this time xo would do it openly.i paid for xo's studys so xo met someone and it lasted for more than six months.the treatment was bad i saw it coming,i lived thru the drama and the trauma.things that was said to me sticked so deep in my head i couldt forget any.the experience was horrible.i got fed up and pack all of out bags and told xo, me and the kids are leaving and if xo cared xo would come with us to my mothers place(both our parents stay in one town).xo arrived from wherever and we left smelling of booze and sex.we reached home and thinking me having a one night stand would fix me,it did no such thing bit xo found out again and used that as leverage
.we are two years out of that mess and still i cant stop thinking about it,theres alot of triggers,im walking around with the thoughts in my head.xo is simphatatic about it but it doesnt fix anything within me.im emotional often,there is no trust frommy side.xo wants us to forget and move on but it has eaten me whole......
im lost very lost and it scares me.

[This message edited by Lostking at 1:58 PM, October 1st (Thursday)]

36yearsgone posted 10/1/2020 17:20 PM

im lost very lost and it scares me

Lostking:

Your last statement pretty well sums up everything you said.

since it would be something like one night stand etc not something serious

You seem to have a very unusual idea about what's serious and what's not. Cheating, any kind of cheating is serious. It is not "a mistake" as you eluded to in your post. Cheating is always intentional

What kind of help are you looking for here on this anti-infidelity site?

The1stWife posted 10/2/2020 04:36 AM

How can we help you?

This sounds so sad. You are both so young.

Lostking posted 10/2/2020 04:51 AM

i respect youre opinion 36.thanks for asking how can you'll help.
im going to be away from home for a year or more.im worried xo will do the same.im in a situation where my work is very demanding at this stage.im passionate about what i do so i cant just neglect my work.
i brake down some times and find myself in a dark place where my emotions take over and i just cry and sob.even after i consume alchol its worse.thoughts all in my head everyday and i just cant seem to trust xo or move past the infidelity.we speek everyday.most of the day.im scared and it has been two years after.

Lostking posted 10/2/2020 04:51 AM

i respect youre opinion 36.thanks for asking how can you'll help.
im going to be away from home for a year or more.im worried xo will do the same.im in a situation where my work is very demanding at this stage.im passionate about what i do so i cant just neglect my work.
i brake down some times and find myself in a dark place where my emotions take over and i just cry and sob.even after i consume alchol its worse.thoughts all in my head everyday and i just cant seem to trust xo or move past the infidelity.we speek everyday.most of the day.im scared and it has been two years after.

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