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So confused

needingclarity22 posted 10/1/2020 05:37 AM

This is my first post. Feeling pretty heartless and lost. My BH and I have had multiple DDays. I was scared out of my mind to come clean about not just the A but everything I was feeling about it. That pull it had on me. The pull that I still canít quite release. Iíve hurt him so much and Iím barley hanging on here when it comes to proving myself to him now. Iím not sure how I am supposed to be feeling. Iíve read this enough to know that having multiple ddays are not healthy. Iíve trickled in truths with him so much. But now that itís all out, Iím still facing trials on fixing everything between us. I just feel stuck. Worthless. I canít do anything right to fix this on my own. Iím scared that I checked out and not sure how to check back in. Iíve lost all confidence and donít know how to judge my own feelings at this point.

foreverlabeled posted 10/1/2020 08:22 AM

Take a deep breath.

Yes, multiple dday's suck, trickle truth major suck. I don't know your situation but its not always a death sentence.

So, you need to take another deep breath step outside of yourself, pull it together and let's see if we can slow, possibly stop his bleeding.

You checking out, now of all times, isn't helping. You don't have to have it all figured out right now. One step at a time.

I don't know either how you are going to check back in, but that is one step you gotta figure out, like now. Whatever you have to do. You may be afraid of how shitty it will feel to step into his pain, but just imagine him going through it alone.

Shits gonna real uncomfortable and you'll need to get comfortable with the uncomfortable.

JBWD posted 10/2/2020 10:33 AM

Iíve lost all confidence and donít know how to judge my own feelings at this point.

This is, potentially, a good start, though confidence can be nice to have... You are at the point to recognize that your emotions mislead you, and thatís a fantastic point to reach. Right now, though, itís terrifying- I remember that terror vividly. Weíre here to help and you owe yourself compassion that may take a while for you to find. As that progresses, a couple suggestions-

1) Find an IC if you donít already have one. If you donít, I might suggest approaching candidates who have some experience with addiction, as multiple DDays often suggests some type of addictive pattern. Thatís not a definite thing, but itís a hunch from an addict.

2) Immediate work you can do if you are searching, is a FANTASTIC book called ďFeeling GoodĒ by David Burns. It is a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) book that sets the groundwork for a process you desperately need- The process of holding your emotions to account. We have gotten exceedingly good at believing that our hunches and emotions are the bottom line, because it gives us an easy out. When you stop and force the emotions to slow down and distance them from thoughts, the change can be swift and powerful.

3) Communicate. If your BH doesnít know youíre reaching out here, please let him know. It may frustrate him but it hopefully demonstrates that you are taking more effort than previously to become something other than who you have been.

There is much to learn for all of us. The gift of R does not remain for all of us. But the gift of life does- We are here and if we donít make the most of it then whatís the point? Continue to share, continue to work. Acknowledge that you are a flawed person, just like everyone on this planet. Itís going to be a long road but know that your reaching out makes it a different journey from the one of a day or two ago.

BraveSirRobin posted 10/4/2020 06:58 AM

Since you mentioned that you are having trouble with the pull of the affair, I'm bumping a thread for you called "Maia's Withdrawal Support Guide." You aren't alone in having trouble detaching, even with a genuine desire to do so.

I wish I had more time to write right now, but one thing that jumped out at me about your post is taking about how to "fix this." You can't fix the marriage. You can't fix your spouse. The only thing you can do is to focus on fixing yourself -- not white-knuckling your way into better behavior, but really digging deep to recognize, acknowledge and change the damaged parts of yourself that made cheating possible. That's the only chance you have to start rebuilding with your BS. You may not be able to reconcile even when you do that work, but you cannot have a successful R without it (or live an emotionally healthy and authentic life in general, IMO).

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 7:19 AM, October 4th (Sunday)]

JBWD posted 10/6/2020 13:56 PM

Howís things, needingclarity?

needingclarity22 posted 10/11/2020 13:45 PM

I just donít want to be confused anymore. We are separated now and I just feel so lost. I want more than anything to get on my knees, beg for my life back, and have a ďill fix this by any means necessaryĒ attitude. But I donít have that drive right now. Right now, Iím tired. I want some peace. Some happiness. Some clear answer of what I am supposed to do and what exactly am I fighting for. I want to miss my spouse and not the other person. Right now Iím just doing everything I can to survive each day, the best I can. I see a counselor and thatís been helpful. I just donít know the outcome of all of this and itís overwhelming.

Pippin posted 10/11/2020 14:22 PM

I'm sorry needingclarity22, I remember some of what you are going through and it is truly awful. I hated the confused feeling, I wanted it to all be over, I hated the pull I felt toward the AP, all of it. It was the worst time in my life.

You are absolutely right to not trust your feelings. They stem from very misguided beliefs and thoughts. Just breathe through them as you try to get ahold of how you came to the decisions you have made, and don't let your feelings determine behavior or actions. It takes a while but they will get better, if you keep working at understanding. Understanding is what will help more than anything. And take care of yourself, the basics, and little by little it will settle. I'm about two years out from the worst of it and life is so good. It took a long time though.

Have you written out your timeline and shared it with your BH? It's important for both you and him. Him, to deal with what happened and not have new trauma. You, to take a look at what happened and start to be curious about how you got there. Everything you do needs to be grounded in truth. Otherwise it's like expecting a broken bone to heal that hasn't been set properly.

[This message edited by Pippin at 2:35 PM, October 11th (Sunday)]

needingclarity22 posted 10/11/2020 15:37 PM

We did the timeline. It wasnít written out but him and I discussed everything. Iíve been focusing on the whys of all of this. My husband was my world for years. I didnít just wake up one day and decide to destroy our lives. So Iím having and extremely hard time wrapping my head around this now that itís out. The AP is still connected to my life through my career. And until that is completely gone, Iím told by my BH that thereís no progressing (I completely understand that request, wish it would have been made and addressed months ago before the separation because now we are both providing solely for ourselves). And that I shouldnít bother looking into the whys because that does no good if the AP is still accessible to me. But so much damage has been done that Iím scared to take a leap and change our lives further by switching jobs. Because what if I do all of that and then we are still unhappy in the end? And still having trouble discovering the why or providing each otherís needs. I feel the weight of our lives on my shoulders.

needingclarity22 posted 10/22/2020 00:22 AM

We are facing divorce now. Everything I have done has been not enough, or poorly executed, or still withheld my feelings that caused more turmoil. We separated, and I finally got to where I could breathe for a moment. Where I wasnít filled with anxiety every night before I went to bed and every morning when I woke up. And every day when we are in our home together. Being afraid of what is he going to say next? How am I going to respond? I canít talk about my feelings because that victimizes me. I know heís the victim and I screwed up but thereís faults in our relationship that I canít ignore now. That I want to explore and work through. Not shift blame because I take all the blame for my actions but I also am learning that I didnít just wake up one day and decided to turn our lives upside down. But now we are here where we are living separately, financially reliant on our selves to take care of not just us individually but also our 2 year old child. Iím faced with the only way we are going to heal is me leaving my job. Or transferring to a different city. Because the affair partner works for my company. I understand that request. However I donít feel comfortable doing it now that we are in this living situation. And all I can think about is what on earth is wrong with me?! Why am I not jumping at doing this?! Why am I hesitating?! I feel paralyzed. For months we have been trying to work through this and for months Iíve been taking it all in. Listening to everything that I could change and do better. But some how I keep falling short. And now Iím losing the strength to fight. Idk what I am fighting for.

MrCleanSlate posted 10/22/2020 07:08 AM

needingclarity,

You've only provided a few snippets of what transpired so I am maybe trying to piece a few bits together to offer a few thoughts.

-You had an A with a coworker although you have not given any details of duration, type, etc.
-You have had multiple D-Day due to trickle truth, you haven't provided any dates or details of how D-Days occurred.
-You tried to provide a verbal timeline within the last month.
-You still work with AP.
-You have alluded to some pre-A marital issues.
-You are now separated and potentially headed toward D.

I wrote out the above to sort of try to frame what I am about to outline for you, which may be completely off base due to the limited info:

Everything you have written reads like desperation moves to try to salvage your M. It is hard to try to get out ahead of the shit storm that happens when an A is exposed. The stress and anxiety, the trying to cover one's ass and wrongfully thinking you are protecting the BS from the 'bad'stuff'.

Still working with AP - that is a deal breaker for most everyone! Put yourself in your spouses shoes for a second and how do you think he feels when you go off to work and all he can think about is a made up scenario where you are going off with AP to some staircase at lunch and fucking the AP. That is the kind of pain the betrayed can go through.

Take a step back now. You need to get clarity for yourself first and foremost.

Let go of the outcome. Yes. you need to stop worrying about D, or R. You need to work on yourself right now.

Just so we can offer some help and insight please give us some more info.

So how long was the A? When was first D-Day and how did that happen?

How did the A begin? How involved was it?

You have a 2 year old child - was the A occurring before you had the child? (Yes you know where I am going with this)

Do you still think about the AP?


needingclarity22 posted 10/22/2020 08:11 AM

Ok.

-The affair started in March of this year. It was gradual. A work friendship and I only interacted with him once a week. Then in February I started seeing more of him, getting to know him more and growing that friendship. It started off as an EA. Started texting outside of work hours and I didnít hide it from my H because I felt innocent about it. Still pictured it as a friendship. Until one day in March at work he told me that he was falling for me. And I didnít say anything and just brushed it off. He apologized for being so forward and asked if we could just move past it. He was engaged. We brushed it off until I then told him that I couldnít stop thinking of him. After that it was like ďok so we are on the same page? Letís just be happy when we see each other, nothing more.Ē So after that it was from March to May that we talked more outside of work hours. Conversations of getting to know one another. We would ride in the car together to and from different meetings and hold hands. Then when May rolled around we kissed. It completely freaked me out because of how much I enjoyed it and then guilt that set In. So I broke it off. The next day I told my husband what happened but didnít give him the extent of my feelings in this affair. Just told him that I allowed a friendship to go to far and put myself in a situation that I shouldnít have been in. That another man kissed me and I kissed him back and I am so incredibly sorry. I offered to leave my job and do whatever it took to make it right. But since I didnít provide all the details as far has what my feelings were and that it wasnít just a freak accident, that offer didnít seem necessary. A few weeks after that conversation my H read my journal where I was trying to process my thoughts and feelings of what has transpired. So thatís when he discovered that it was a relationship and not just a freak accident. Made it very clear that I am taking the path for divorce if I donít get this fixed. And the AP has to be gone in order to do that. And I did a terrible job of letting it go. After May it was like every couple weeks where I would have NC with the AP and then we would pick right back up. This happened until the end of July. By End of June-beginning of July we started kissing again. He would want more but I couldnít do it. At the end of the July I told my H that I got back in contact with AP. And thatís when the trickle truths really took hold. At the moment I deleted social media and then eventually blocked the AP number. If he needed me for work then he could email me but that was it. But it was over the month of august that I finally got all the details out for the affair to my H. It took another 3-4 conversations for me to do it. The affair has ended but I still see him or just his car once a week.

-D-Days, 2 in May, 1 in July, 2 in august. The last one was the straw that broke the camels back. We had started marriage counseling and I was doing some bible studies at home. I know I still had some information withheld from the affair as far as the physical details that he was wanting, how much we kissed, how far did kissing go, where were his hands etc. In counseling all we talked about was being transparent and I knew I still had some dark clouds over me. At this point we went to 3 sessions in with the counselor. Our conversations at home were getting more and more beneficial but i know that I wouldnít be able to live with myself if I didnít tell him. So I wrote a letter. Every time we talk to face to face I get scared and jumbled so I wrote it all down so I could be precise. The letter discussed two times were the kissing got heated to lead to more but never did. And it also discussed how I struggle because I still think about the other person. One Saturday morning I waited for him to wake up drink coffee, shower, get ready for the day and told him that I need to sit down and talk to him at some point. So we started talking and I told him that all I want is to be open and honest and I really donít know why itís a struggle for me to do that. I went over what I have been learning in the counseling and my bible studies and then gave him the letter. I told him that reading that is going to hurt, and I am so incredibly sorry. After that he got pretty upset, our daughter was playing at the house so he was upset that I did that while she was still around. I just kept crying and apologizing. Then he left to get stuff sorted out so he could move out. That was the only option from that point. He quit going to the counselor, but I still go.

-Over the course of us trying to R I had a hard time providing what my H was needing. He was needing more physical intimacy. To feel wanted and desired. The night that I told him about the kiss he wanted to have sex and I just couldnít do it. The next day he told me that we could do an experiment and every day for a week I could ďget mineĒ and maybe that would be make me to start relax and feel better. Thatís not what I wanted to feel better. I wanted connection, emotionally. He said he would be able to connect more emotionally once those physical connections happened. Because thatís how he will be able to let his walls down. Itís kind of the opposite for me. But I put in effort to not reject him when he needed to be more physical. Because thatís been a on going problem with us before the affair. Then after July it was much more of needing me to be assertive and initiate the physical intimacy, or even send pictures, or if I could be home to greet him naked that would be great. It was every day my day was ending with him telling me that I hadnít done anything for him. That sometimes he even wakes up saying I wonder what she wonít do for me today? When I thought I was by being extra communicative while at work, not working late, going out for drinks and dinner, just trying to spend time together. Then I learned that it was the more of a literal sense of what he wanted. But he didnít want me to do anything out of obligation, however, heís been pushed to the side for months so itís time for me to do something that might be uncomfortable for me to do. To show I love him. And I couldnít get it right. And then I just started distancing myself more and more. Waiting for the separation to come so maybe we could go to our corners and breathe for a little bit. So I could miss my H and long to do those things for him. There also were instances where we would have conversations in front our daughter and it would get too heated. She would ask my H to stop or say no no no. Then one day while I was in the shower he looked through my phone and found something that I had typed up. It was one of those type a letter that you will never send things, to get some closure. He freaked and when I got out of the shower he started yelling at me in front of our daughter. She was terrified, crying and hiding her head in between my legs while I stood there crying saying Iím so sorry. That was traumatizing for everyone.

-We had our daughter 6 months before we got married. My H has been my world, my rock for 5 years. I never even noticed another man after I started dating my H until this happened. And itís had rocked me to my core. My H is the closest thing to perfect to me. But idk why I have drifted and havenít been able to come back the way he needs.

-I do still think about the AP. I feel guilty for that.

[This message edited by needingclarity22 at 10:45 AM, October 22nd (Thursday)]

Bulcy posted 10/22/2020 08:32 AM

needingclarity,

As MrCleanSlate has stated above, a little more information will be useful. A few things from my experience:

1) You need to fully understand the need to stay in the current job. You've mentioned that it is one of the biggest blocks in the recovery process. You mention a child too. HOW can a job be more important to you than this? I stayed in my old job with my AP for six months after d-day and this did not allow me to heal or get out of the affair. SIX MONTHS with my BS living daily with the fact that I was going into work and would be in direct contact with her. I can only imagine the pain this caused. We have discussed it many times and have agreed that leaving the job was the start of any recovery. I stupidly held on for a job that I wanted and would further my career. I put this ahead of my wife and my marriage. Now, we do not know the full story, but on the face of it....YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THAT JOB. There is no chance of you healing yourself while you still have opportunities to see or speak with AP.

2) Heal yourself. Again I screwed up here too. Write the time line. Be honest in it. Then if you're anything like me, throw that time line away and write it again. Use it to try and understand what ACTUALLY happened in the affair. Keep reading it and keep learing and improving from what you have written. You need to discuss this with BS if he wants this. The first few drafts of my timeline were lacking in detail and honesty, I was still hiding things from BS and lying to myself. You cannot heal without doing the work on yourself.

3) PLEASE keep NC. It is said on here so many times that NC means NC. Even little things break NC. As stated above, I was seeing my AP every day. Now, the "affair" had stopped on d-day, no texting, no phone calls....BUT it had not. She would still e-mail me with work questions and continued to add smiles and silly comments. I would say good morning and get involved in work conversations. I would still listen to her talking to other work colleagues. I was NOT out of the affair and still communicating. I should have been upfront with my manager and requested a change of office. She would have been fine with that, maybe that would work for you while you look for another job.

I see so many of the mistakes I have made here. You cannot help your husband without working on healing yourself. At the same time you need to ficus on your husband, you need to get out of the job, you need to understand what happened and how it happened, you need to know your whys. There is so much work to do. It is hard, but you need to do it.

I am not there yet. I write this while making my own mistakes. I am living this. I am still hurting my BS by not knowing or admitting to everything. You're right to have the stop sign, but please keep with us. MrCleanSlate is a fantastic poster. Listen to what they have to say. Everything is crazy for you at the moment but nothing like the pain and crazyness your BS is feeling.

Bulcy posted 10/22/2020 08:33 AM

NC22. I had not read your latest post before posting my reply. I will read and comment.

MrCleanSlate posted 10/22/2020 10:50 AM

needingclarity,

First of all, from what you wrote it sounds a bit like your BH was 'using' you as relates to sex in the post D-Day period. No one should be coerced into doing anything sexual for any reason. That is not how you repair things.

So working backwards a bit here you still have feelings for the AP. Why is that? you kept breaking NC, you still work together, he is still engaged?

If you think about it, you probably don't love the AP, you probably love the adoration and attention you were getting from him. After all, he can tell you all sorts of wonderful things, you two kissed and fooled around and it was exciting, etc. But none of it is grounded in any sort of reality. All of us waywards have been there thinking we are in love with our AP's. Of course the AP's don't need to worry about our sick child, or about paying the bills, etc. It is an escape from our life.

Regardless of whether you are actively working on R or your BH is not talking to you - you need to work on yourself.

Why am I hesitating?! I feel paralyzed. For months we have been trying to work through this and for months Iíve been taking it all in. Listening to everything that I could change and do better. But some how I keep falling short. And now Iím losing the strength to fight. Idk what I am fighting for.

You should be fighting for fixing yourself. (You should not be fighting for fixing your BH or your M).

It took me better part of a year after D-Day to really start to understand why I had an affair. and here I am 5 years later still working on fixing myself. It is a lifetime process.


needingclarity22 posted 10/22/2020 11:36 AM

My relationship has been very happy and my husband was my best friend. Something happened over the last couple of years where I lost that want and desire for him physically. Idk why it happened or where it came from. But it was and has been very hard on him. He has told me repeatedly that we only had sex 12 times in 2019. And so I made a conscious effort to have sex a couple times a month, striving for once a week. To make him happy and hopefully bridge the physical intimacy gap that I was experiencing. The two major problems in our relationship was that I was always fearful to be completely vulnerable with him when it comes to anything that could paint me in a bad light. Or any past mistakes or regrets that I have. And idk if itís just a deep rooted fear of disappointment or what. Iíve always felt that he is just so superior than me. Such a better person than me. So opening up about things in my past, whether itís previous sexual partners, or just stupid adolescent mistakes, doing that has been hard to do with him. And he has said nothing or swayed me to feel that inferior. Until now, when I am the one that made the mistake, here we are and I still donít feel safe. The one time that I really need to buckle down and I canít. Because the proof is here now, he is so much of a better person than I am.

As for the AP, when I told my H about us kissing, he also told his fiancť. He said he had been unhappy for a while and was staying in that relationship because he wanted do the right thing. They had been together for 8 years, engaged for 1. She wanted to keep working on things with him but he ultimately said his feelings for their relationship had changed long before I came into the picture. The difference between him and I on that day is that he put it all out there as far as discussing his feelings with me and how much we talked. I didnít do that. Kept it short and sweet. We told each other repeatedly that we donít want to take each other from each otherís families. But then we would just fall back into the same habits of communicating all the time. The two things that I can recognize today is that I have felt safe talking to him. Opening up to him. And I felt that want and desire for physical intimacy with him. And that is so incredibly selfish of me. But today, I can pin point that those two aspects have been what I feel that maybe subconsciously I have held onto.

I donít want to escape from my life. I want my child to have a beautifully happy home with her parents. And I want to be incredibly happy and reciprocate those same wants and desires that my husband has for me. But idk how to dive into it. Especially at this point where I am at the lowest I have ever been. My head is just constantly spinning.

scrambledbrain posted 10/26/2020 20:56 PM

NC:

I think you have the clarity you need. You say your H is superior to you, but you're not attracted to him, are struggling to meet his physical needs. Sounds like he scares you.

How is he superior?

You want to WANT to be faithful and loving to him, but by all accounts, you're just not feeling it.

Your heart seems to be with your AP. It bleeds across your notes. You feel safe with him. You want him. You admire his integrity, his honesty to his fiancť, his desire not to hurt your or his family.

I know you want to do the right thing. You also have a child. But it seems like your intellectualized ideal of a loving marriage and family, given your true feelings, is not on the cards.

Wouldn't it make the most sense to stop beating your heads against the wall, set your H free, and see what happens with your AP?

Just a query from and old sinner.

BraveSirRobin posted 10/26/2020 23:34 PM

Are you familiar with the term "limerence?" If not, I suggest that you Google it. You'll find communities of people in a very similar situation to what you describe -- desperate to break an unhealthy attraction, but nevertheless struggling to let it go.

My heart goes out to you, but at the same time, I can't lie. Separation was the only healthy outcome for your BH under these conditions. As WS, we don't have the luxury of time to get our shit together, because when we continue to lie, cheat, or refuse NC, we're actively doing more harm with every passing hour. I believe your horror at what you were doing, but that shame doesn't mitigate the damage. Only actions can do that, and if you weren't ready to act, he absolutely had to detach.

Now that you're on the road to divorce, your BH is in the best place he can be to protect himself, and your focus needs to be on fixing yourself. I'm hearing deep guilt about not feeling the way you believe you should feel. Instead, I recommend digging for why feel the way you do feel. You need to understand the roots of your emotions before you can begin to change them. To move forward, you have to look back.

needingclarity22 posted 10/27/2020 08:15 AM

I am familiar with limerence, which is why Iím not putting much stock into the pull I have to the other person. I recognize that itís there and am doing my best to keep it at bay instead of act on it like I used to.

The separation was initially my BHís call. And I respected it. He wasnít able to move out right away, it took a month until his new apartment was ready. Two weeks before it was ready he suggested us renting a house together something with more room. At the point the braking process was such a struggle and I was onboard with the separation. And me being ok with it killed him. And still does kill him. Before he moved out it was on and off hostile in our home. Our daughter didnít have a warm environment anymore, I kept getting ask why am I not doing making everything right, and honestly we just kept missing each other in all communication. So I was onboard to go to our corners and breathe. So now we are here and he hates it. Itís too much for him and he wants us to heal together. Though he signed a year lease to his new place. And Iím hesitant now. Just want a break and keep going to counseling and try to find some answers.

Mancunianforlife posted 10/27/2020 13:18 PM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:15 PM, October 27th (Tuesday)]

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