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Cell phones after affair

stillfrozen posted 9/29/2020 20:50 PM

Does anyone else ever feel like their WSís phone is more important than you sometimes? Does anyone ever still feel that sinking feeling when watching their WS on their phone for hours? I always think the worst.... and sometimes when I ask what my H is doing, he gives me a very short answer, or a really loooooooong answer that feels as if he is covering something up?

Does this feeling ever fade away? Sometimes I truly hate cellphones...

tinlizzie posted 9/29/2020 21:14 PM

Every single time I see my WW on her phone it makes me tense up. It is the weapon used to abuse us, why wouldn't we feel uneasy when we see it?

stillfrozen posted 9/29/2020 21:41 PM


Yes, it is the weapon, and itís so hard to face sometimes. I get hurt easily and I think the cellphone is what hurts the most. I express my concerns but unfortunately it usually ends in an argument about how he is not doing anything on his phone and I have no reason to worry. I just still get that sinking gut feeling... he hid things so well before, so of course he could do it again now.

Sigh.... I donít like thinking the worst, but my mind takes me to worst case scenarios so often anymore.

tinlizzie posted 9/29/2020 21:51 PM

I get the same story from WW. What irritates me is the attitude of "how dare you think I'm doing something I shouldn't be". I don't know, maybe because you did it before and haven't really done any work to change. Maybe that might be the reason?

stillfrozen posted 9/29/2020 22:04 PM


Exactly! And then we become the nagging, suspicious spouses. Itís hard on us too! We didnít ask to become this way. We are just trying to protect our hearts from breaking all over again, sadly.

DragnHeart posted 9/29/2020 22:18 PM

Yes the cellphone is a source of great pain at times.

But back when I found my wh online personal ad and I created a fake online persona and email then replied to him it was actually kinda amusing. To have him sitting on one side of the living room, me on the other, him messaging someone he thought he was going to have NSA sex with and me knowing full well he was talking to me all along. I wish I had actually video taped the meeting because me showing up and the look on his face was priceless!

Now though I see him with he phone and I want to take it and throw it at him. A call or text or any sound from it makes my heart skip a beat. I swear one day I'll die of a heart attack from some stupid notification.

tinlizzie posted 9/29/2020 22:19 PM

They don't understand how much it changes us in ways we really didn't want to be changed. Trust is not a switch that is turned on and off. My WW can't seem to wrap her head around this concept.

78monte posted 9/29/2020 22:22 PM

Nearly 3 yrs out and I still hate it when I hear her cell phone ping. Ő can check phone whenever I like, I know password, but it still triggers me....

crazyblindsided posted 9/29/2020 23:03 PM

Yes the cell phone was a huge trigger for me. It is how I discovered the A. Just him talking or being on the phone made me uneasy. The ringtone drove me nuts. If anyone else has the ringtone I tense up.

Countingsheep65 posted 9/30/2020 01:18 AM

For me not only the cell phone, but the computer too.

StrugglingCJ posted 9/30/2020 05:10 AM

It is a huge trigger for me as well.. My WS sometimes understands.. But then counters it with a "I have always been on my phone alot since I got the very first iPhone"..

She simply does not understand that the phone WAS where she cheated.. It was on the phone where they met.. On the phone where she sent her first pics.. On the phone where she told him she was willing to risk her marriage for him.. And it was on her phone when she told him to come to her hotel room for sex..

We have had a weekend where we both totally switched off from our phones which was surprisingly nice, it is just difficult to explain to my wife that it was the break from worrying about her chatting that was the good bit for me..

Hopefully it will become less of a trigger for me.. As it is not easy to ask them to use their phone less when it has become such a mainstay of everyday life.. We use it for work.. Speaking to family.. Shopping.. Everything..

[This message edited by StrugglingCJ at 5:15 AM, September 30th (Wednesday)]

Notaboringwife posted 9/30/2020 05:39 AM

For me not only the cell phone, but the computer too.

Triggers, maybe always, though not as gut wrenching as the first year of R.

TwoDozen posted 9/30/2020 06:21 AM

Massive trigger for me

So these days I hate even seeing it, when WGF passes it to me to read something I donít want to touch it. If she even asks me to pass her phone to her or plug it in for her I flinch

It is a weapon of mass destruction

EmbraceTheChange posted 9/30/2020 06:40 AM

My WH went phone-less for a few years after dday. He got one when I was ok with it, and not triggering with every phone call or dings.

Chaos posted 9/30/2020 08:04 AM

Trigger city for me. And being self employeed, he does need to be on the damn thing frequently.

I've gotten better about speaking up. Most of the time it is "I see you spending a lot of time on your phone. Is everything OK". He knows that is my way of saying "I'm triggering about your MFphone" and yes - I've said that a time or twelve also.

I will also speak up if I notice him looking at it during a conversation and will say "would you like to continue this discussion after you handle whatever is distracting you?". That usually brings his focus back and gets an apology.

Snarky me has said "Am I interrupting a personal moment between you and your phone". That one just feels good to say.

He's become more cognizant over time. And has made pointed efforts to put his phone away as well as excuse himself if there is something business related that needs immediate tending to. He's well aware I can verify the validity of that through phone records.

ETA - fingers clicked submit before brain finished thinking

[This message edited by Chaos at 8:07 AM, September 30th (Wednesday)]

Underserving posted 9/30/2020 08:11 AM

Yes, his stupid cell phone. They had 30,000 texts between them over 7 months, so him being on his phone is definitely a trigger. He used to have it on silent all the time, itís one of my boundaries that itís never on silent mode. So for me, every time it dings, itís not really triggering, more so a little reassurance he is honoring my boundaries. He also IMMEDIATELY shows me who text him.

If I ever want to look at his phone, itís another boundary that he gives it to me with no questions asked. Though he never used any secret apps before, Iíve learned what they are, and keep an eye out. Also check the phone usage online once a week.

Sucks acting like a parent with a grownup, but will probably be that way for years.

Sofarsogood posted 9/30/2020 09:10 AM

Do you have the opportunity to check the cell phone bill for any repeat numbers or suspicious activity? You also could purchase a VAR and hide it in his vehicle. If these options are available, you may at least find out if more is going on, or he's just on his phone a lot.

Wintergarden posted 10/1/2020 05:14 AM

I have a dislike of cell phones (mobile phones in the UK!)even before discovering the A, and I discovered it because I found the messages.
I can't understand the need to check them constantly as you see people do in restaurants etc. Don't even get me started on the fight children have to get an adult's attention if there is a phone involved.
So now I've had to deal with the phone becoming almost a body part to my WH. I've turned it into the joke it is. If he leaves it behind his return to collect it is quicker than indigestion.

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