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What does Generous mean when it comes to visitation arrangement?

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landclark posted 9/20/2020 20:41 PM

Then as somebody else suggested, handle it through your lawyer. You’re heading the direction of not seeing your kids at all. You’ve already gone from 50%, to 40% and now 20%. You really want to agree to 20%? I get you screwed up, but frankly this isn’t about you or her or what makes either of you happy. It’s about what is best for your kids. Sometimes it just needs to be handled through a lawyer. Nothing wrong with that.

oldtruck posted 9/20/2020 20:46 PM

50 50 split. being a WS or BS does not require, entitle, punish,
a parent. the kids deserve both parents equally.

now when the kids are old enough for a judge to consider what
they want then the 50 50 split can be deviated from.

LifeDestroyer posted 9/20/2020 21:18 PM

You need to use a lawyer for this. Unless you are an abusive father, then you DESERVE to see your kids just as much as she does. 80/20 is not fair or just.

Possibly, give her some time. Put this custody arrangement down for a few days. In a few days, go back with the 50/50 every other Wednesday or Saturday or whichever day proposal. If she still refuses, then please use a lawyer. You do not deserve to lose time with your children because of the choices you made. We may be the wayward spouse in our marriage, but we are still parents who deserve and have every right to see our child(ren) as much as possible.

HellFire posted 9/20/2020 21:33 PM

Can you clarify? Have you been abusive to your children? Or abusive to your wife, in the presence of your children?

prissy4lyfe posted 9/20/2020 23:13 PM

Interesting....

Now you are being "defended" and telling you what you "deserve"... How you "fucked up" BUT...

This is usally how your threads go. Somehow someway you manage to paint your wife as a slightly unreasonable overly emotional BS who is intentionally making this difficult.

I think that is the intent of your threads. The well has dried up from your wife and now you seek it here.

You just posted a thread about expecting hope...she didn't give it to you. So you got it here. Posters have validated that their is "hope" for you because you "deserve" 50/50 custody.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 11:14 PM, September 20th (Sunday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 9/21/2020 06:07 AM

Unfortunately, even though he is painting his bw that way, he does still deserve to see his kids just as much as she does UNLESS there is abuse of some kind.

He shouldn't be talking to her anymore since she has asked for NC. We all see that he is breaking it as a way to still control the outcome and to test the waters with her.

nekonamida posted 9/21/2020 09:16 AM

WTR, it was mere days ago that you said you could afford to take it to court but you didn't want to and would rather give the money to your BW. And now you can't afford it? So what changed? I really do believe that we are not getting the full story.

But regardless, go through your attorney as you've been advised to and stop talking to her or giving her custody schedules.

BraveSirRobin posted 9/21/2020 09:20 AM

You're in very dangerous territory, making stupid offers that it may be difficult to rescind and confirming them in a publicly visible online form. If anything, what you're proving to me is that you're willing to lose your children in order to get some internet strangers to concede that your STBX is unreasonable.

If you're telling the absolute truth here, the answer is a lawyer. If the full story is more complicated, the answer is a lawyer. Handle this through third parties. Do not engage with her directly.

Poppy704 posted 9/21/2020 09:20 AM

KIDS deserve to have relationships with BOTH their parents, regardless of which spouse is responsible for the end of the relationship between the parents.

Discuss this with your lawyer and a family counselor, you and your STBX need to stop looking at the children as property that you should be “generous” in splitting up.

HellFire posted 9/21/2020 09:25 AM

I did a quick search of some of your posts.

You have rage issues. You have been trained to fight, and win. And you have brain damage. You talk about being abusive. That you are an abuser.

Let's not kid ourselves. When a wife, a mother, is abused by her husband, a father, then the kids are being abused as well. At the very least, they know dad has a temper and its best not to cross him, or he will turn on them. They walk on eggshells.

They may not want to spend 50% of their time with dad for this reason. Does he still deserve 50%?

I know this wasn't the point of his post. But with all the "it doesn't matter that you cheated on the mother and the kids, you deserve 50% of their time" talk, I thought the fact that he's an abuser might mean otherwise.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:26 AM, September 21st (Monday)]

landclark posted 9/21/2020 09:41 AM

They may not want to spend 50% of their time with dad for this reason. Does he still deserve 50%?

If he is abusive to the kids, then no. However, the advice is still the same either way. Get a lawyer and let them deal with it.

If you're telling the absolute truth here, the answer is a lawyer. If the full story is more complicated, the answer is a lawyer. Handle this through third parties.

Exactly.

[This message edited by landclark at 9:51 AM, September 21st (Monday)]

LLXC posted 9/21/2020 17:18 PM

I am another poster who immediately knew whk the poster was based on the thread title.

First, I agree witj everyone who says do this through a lawyer. Jist stop going to her. Go to yoir lawyer. Yhst is it.

Second. Your wife is woth the kids on Saturday. Maybe she wants a weekend to herself.

Pippin posted 9/22/2020 09:18 AM

When I first arrived here I would read about the Karpman Drama Triangle every week or so. Does SI have trends in advice? I guess so. I haven't seen anyone write about it in a while. It seems like the perfect thing for you to read up on and understand. It wasn't one of the things that helped me much with infidelity work but every now and then I find myself figuring out whether I am playing victim, persecutor or rescuer and then consciously stepping out of that role. Because I don't want to be any of those three things! A woman came at me in a rage in the dog run the other day because I picked up my terrified pandemic puppy to get her out of a group of big playful dogs and apparently that is a horrible, terrible, disgusting thing for a dog owner to do There must be some doggy advice book somewhere I haven't read. I ignored her, but in my head I was a victim for a bit, persecutor for a bit (I thought about getting out my phone and ostentatiously filming her erratic rage) and then when she started attacking someone else I thought about rescuing them. Nope to all those roles. I got out my book and had a lovely time reading while my puppy hid behind me on the bench, venturing out little bits at a time. No drama there.

So you come to SI when you are in the victim role. I tried to validate that last time for you so you felt heard and you could see that staying away was your best bet. I'm sure at times you are in the persecutor role. Perhaps in a way that is really damaging to your wife or children. When you have settled you are either ashamed of it or angry that she drove you to it or some other unhelpful reaction. You say things in the persecutor role that are inconsistent with the victim role and nonsensical. All of the roles suck to be in. Your healing work will come when you are NOT in one of the roles. NC. And start to notice yourself, when you are falling into a role, and step away from it.

[This message edited by Pippin at 9:20 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday)]

Darkness Falls posted 9/22/2020 18:24 PM

Great post, pippin!

Wantstorepair, part of what alarms me about your post is that it seems as though this particular argument between you and your BW sets your children up to be pawns in the divorce negotiation process. As someone else previously said, they are not “possessions” to be traded like a couch or kitchen gadgets. I don’t think either of you really think that, but y’all need to be careful to not make more or less custody into a matter of “winning” or appeasing your spouse rather than taking THEIR best interests into full account. JMHO.

BraveSirRobin posted 9/22/2020 20:04 PM

Terrific post, Pippin.

LLXC posted 9/23/2020 10:33 AM

I jusr saw this again. Like i said before, best us to leave this to a lawyer. Let them work through it, not you and your wife.

But i am posting again because i realized that you have the kids one weekend day, and yhen both days they are in school. She has them while they are doing school from home. That might be part of why she is not happy. When she has them she has them all day. That means all day of making sure they are paying attention, feeding them, etc.

Again. She might want a break.

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