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Said goodbye to AP and don't know what to do now

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sundance posted 9/12/2020 13:22 PM

but it's killing me to continue to be lying to him

Why killing you now?

Seems to me if it wasn't killing you before, and the only thing that has changed is that your AP left you, that it's odd that you suddently grew a conscience after 3 years.

That being said, still glad you are on the right path. Hope you find a therapist soon.

Historicalcosts7 posted 9/13/2020 08:51 AM

Sundance,

I've felt guilt from the A regularly. I allowed myself to be convinced by my AP that if no one knows no one is hurt which, I've regained logic enough to realize I continued with it because I believed him and chose to go betray my own beliefs. In every other aspect of my life I'm honest to a fault. I've always seen it as a character flaw, and perhaps in my fantasy world felt it was ok. I can't even process what was going through my mind all that time. I think that's why, now that I'm acknowledging that behaviour is not who I am, that I'm having a hard time reconciling and my inherent character to be completely honest is trying to come out.

Luckily I've been able to find another counsellor, after the cancellations, to begin addressing my issues. In the throes of the A, I never considered it to be selfish but now that the mist has dissipated I realize that's all it was.

I want to be the person my BS wants to be with, but I know I'm not the one he deserves. We'll see come D-day how he feels. Until then, the anxiety about it continues.

Lostallalone posted 9/23/2020 18:24 PM

Haven't heard from you for awhile. Are you ok?

Historicalcosts7 posted 10/15/2020 01:17 AM

Lostallalone,

I'm doing as well as I can. It's a struggle everyday and my BH/WH and I have had some epic fights. We've both started IC and will be starting MC soon. We are both very uncertain about our marriage at this stage, but neither wants to walk away.

I'm just taking it day by day.

Thanks for checking in. :)

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