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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 21

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DevastatedDee posted 9/7/2020 13:30 PM

So, hide your trauma people; we don't want these fragile motherfuckers relapsing because of our inability to hide our trauma.

Yeah, I remember that crap setting me the fuck off. He got to hear plenty of my feelings when he'd pull that.

skeetermooch posted 9/7/2020 22:12 PM

Ugh. He just sent an email telling me he's fighting the divorce. So, yeah, this could take awhile. This sucks.

Superesse posted 9/7/2020 22:33 PM

Skeeter, sorry. But this can wait until after Labor Day weekend, when you can forward it to your lawyer. It's just him looking to get a rise out of you. Sorry that you felt you had to look....

I didn't realize you were only married 3 years. Good news: once you get this loon out of your life, you won't have to account for a quarter century wasted, like some of us. So there's that....

I took your approach, and busted my butt all day today, over 8 hours outside. Sure felt better than brooding! ...End of the day, moved his bedroom furniture down the hall to the storage room, after asking him nice and calmly to at least clean up his mess and empty out the drawer of his nightstand....yuck....that guy has contaminated my space for the last time! Then I dusted, washed the windows, and thought about all the things I might use that room for, once it's been repainted!

Meanwhile, I noticed he quietly sulked in the TV room, watching some PG13 movie, and trundled off to the cozy RV cave to retire for the night.

They'll get over it - they have to!
Keep Calm and Carry On, right?

skeetermooch posted 9/7/2020 22:35 PM

You had a great day Superesse!

Yes, I did look at his email - good point. If I hadn't looked I would not be experiencing any angst right now.

Duh.

Superesse posted 9/7/2020 22:56 PM

But you gave him No Reply* correct? (Hope he doesn't have the ability to see if his little buzz bomb got read...some email programs do have that capability.)

*reminds me of a classic Beatles tune from the '60's by the same name. Pull it up and give it a listen, GF! Then do what is in front of you, when *Here Comes The Sun... :

HeHadADoubleLife posted 9/7/2020 23:24 PM

Iím sitting in my car at the beach, but canít bring myself to get out.

My therapist had me do some EMDR prep today, and asked me to go to a safe/happy/calm place. I immediately said the beach, because normally that would be it. But even she cringed and asked are you sure? Because she knows the associations with it.

So now Iím pissed that this fucker took my happy place from me! I want to take it back. I just donít know how. Iím tearing up just sitting in the car.

Iím not sure how Iím going to react to all of the sensory stuff. The thought of my feet in the sand even gives me goosebumps.

Why the hell did he have to do what he did? Why taint this beautiful thing we had together by bringing her there? And how on earth does he continue to go to the beach like nothing is fucking wrong, like none of that ever happened?

I want to get out and conquer this thing, Iím just not sure Iím strong enough. I guess even driving here was a baby step at least.

skeetermooch posted 9/8/2020 00:30 AM

I totally understand HHADL. I can't go anywhere in my town without being triggered. I'm desperate to move to where there's no memories but I can't right now.

That beach is still yours. He fucking ruined it because he sucks and sucky people ruin everything they get close to. I hope you can reclaim your beach tonight.

DevastatedDee posted 9/8/2020 08:33 AM

Ugh. He just sent an email telling me he's fighting the divorce. So, yeah, this could take awhile. This sucks.

My XWH threatened to fight for one of the dogs. He said that to get a rise out of me. I ignored it. Hopefully this is similar.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 8:34 AM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

DevastatedDee posted 9/8/2020 08:38 AM

HHADL, my XWH tainted the beach for me and he tainted the mountains for me. The beach was because we spent a week there with his family and he stayed drunk and mostly ignored me that week to be on his phone. I know now he was texting prostitutes and I was being placed in the devalue/discard category. The mountains were tainted mostly because we spent happy times there. I moved past that, but it took some time. I have far more memories about both places that don't involve him. I plan to move to the mountains at some point and he absolutely will not take that away from me. Did you make it onto the beach?

skeetermooch posted 9/8/2020 10:38 AM

Well, I confess I broke NC. I was really pushed over the edge with the threat to delay the divorce. He ultimately said he wouldn't fight it.

I'm not sure if it was tragic to break NC - enter the rationalizations - but I don't feel fucked up around it. He said a bunch of loony things, none of which triggered me to want to defend myself or anything. He just seemed so nuts. I don't feel worse. I don't feel ambivalent or confused or sorry for him. I just feel like I'm looking at a zoo animal and he's flailing against the cage and flinging feces and I'm standing far enough back, so as not to have any land on me. It's not a pleasant sight for sure but it doesn't impact my trajectory.

In some ways I feel better. He peeled back another layer to reveal even more how disordered he is and how utterly impossible any marriage between us is. He proposed we get back together and he would allow me to have sex with whomever I wanted because he's just "not that into sex!!" Yep, he said that. Meanwhile, I'm not a casual sex person, never have been but he's sure that's what I'm all about because in his mind, wanting to have a healthy sex life with my husband makes me a nympho.

He said he only feels good about himself when he's having sex with hookers. So, I guess he wants to keep that going while I'm out having one night stands with creepers from Tinder. That sounds like an idyllic marriage, no? I'm nearly 60 years old, can you even imagine what that shit circus would look like???

Ok, so back to NC but I'm okay.

DevastatedDee posted 9/8/2020 11:58 AM

Okay, so that was the kind of breaking NC that did you a favor. Boy isn't that clarity a bitch? You see him and it's really fucking ugly, isn't it? How to comfort you in your disgust...let's see...our skin cells do die and fall off of us, so there will be a time when nothing about you touched anything about him. That helped me somewhat.

DevastatedDee posted 9/8/2020 12:01 PM

So 2-3 weeks for all skin cells to be replaced. You're getting close.

skeetermooch posted 9/8/2020 13:53 PM

Ha - it's almost 3 weeks already. So, I'm just about there.

Yes, he's super cray cray. It's wild. He truly believes I should've stuck around to help him with his issues. He equates his childhood trauma with the trauma he caused me - doesn't see how they aren't equivalent or that it wasn't okay for him to harm me because he was harmed. Because he married me I was unknowingly assigned the task of live-in therapist/punching bag/martyr. Did not know I was signing up for that but he did - therefore I'm a bitch for abandoning him.

How was I in that mess? What was I hearing and seeing? Was he acting that well or did I see what I wanted to see?

HeHadADoubleLife posted 9/8/2020 13:57 PM

I made it out! My mom happened to call right after I posted, and I think having her on the phone helped.

Also the fact that it was nighttime... when I caught them there it was during the day. So everything looked different. Walked right past the parking lot where I caught them and yeah definitely got weird feelings but it wasnít as bad. Honestly more so sadness over the memories of us taking the girls there... throwing DD21ís graduation party there at the park... skateboarding along the boardwalk.

I did walk down to the water. It was weird to feel sand again, itís been years. Also the beach smell. There werenít very many other people out that late at night so I was able to just walk along, talk to my mom, and get myself used to it again.

Braving it during the day will be an entirely different experience.

And yes, he would act so traumatized over MY trauma that HE caused. Talk about how hard it is to see me cry. I was like bro, then stop doing things to make me cry! Itís not that fucking hard! But nooooo, he would rather do the thing that he knows will make me cry, then try his damndest to hide it so I wonít cry, but then when I inevitably found out and cried, my crying was the problem

Like, how about instead of giving me a bullet proof vest to prevent me getting shot, you unload the gun and stop shooting me!

HeHadADoubleLife posted 9/8/2020 14:04 PM

Because he married me I was unknowingly assigned the task of live-in therapist/punching bag/martyr. Did not know I was signing up for that but he did - therefore I'm a bitch for abandoning him.
OMG THIS!!!!

According to him he only started seeing the mistress because I was abandoning him by bringing up the idea of divorce when he all of a sudden decided he didnít want kids anymore. Letís just forget about the dozens of times he would throw out divorce whenever he was upset or we had a slight disagreement about something. And I would tell him you canít just throw out divorce to shut down the argument, it doesnít work that way!

But in classic disordered fashion he twisted that around to mean that Iím not allowed to bring it up over a very valid concern over a sudden change in life direction with no intention on his part to budge. The fact that I wouldnít immediately give up on my dream of carrying a child meant that I didnít love him enough, I was abandoning him.

My therapist says that the only things addicts hate more than themselves are people who hold them accountable. I mean, they love us when they perceive it as helping them. But actually expecting them to stick to their word? That is an assault on their rights!

DevastatedDee posted 9/8/2020 15:50 PM

Did not know I was signing up for that but he did - therefore I'm a bitch for abandoning him.

Girl, SAME! I am the one who destroyed the marriage because I wouldn't stay for the shit show. I abandoned him. Threw him away.

It's always the same, lol.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 9/8/2020 16:13 PM

He proposed we get back together and he would allow me to have sex with whomever I wanted because he's just "not that into sex!!"

Sorry I just had to laugh at that one.... Um, WHAT?

Then following it up with:

He said he only feels good about himself when he's having sex with hookers.
Can they not hear how ridiculous they sound?

skeetermooch posted 9/8/2020 18:26 PM

That they can say these things is so astounding to me. The man who's "just not that into sex" has dumped tens of thousands of dollars on hookers and porn, jerks off until his junk is literally calloused. This last dday - 2 visits to the same hooker in under 24 hours. Yep, he's totally asexual.

But nooooo, he would rather do the thing that he knows will make me cry, then try his damndest to hide it so I wonít cry, but then when I inevitably found out and cried, my crying was the problem

Like, how about instead of giving me a bullet proof vest to prevent me getting shot, you unload the gun and stop shooting me!

Yep. Everything is our fault. Everything is an injury to them, while nothing is an injury to us - not years of infidelity, lying or gaslighting - that stuff doesn't count. Crying because you were cheated on - abusive.

The fact that he's stark raving mad goes along way to helping me detach.

DevastatedDee posted 9/9/2020 08:18 AM

The fact that he's stark raving mad goes along way to helping me detach.

Yep, that's the clarity I was talking about. The moment I really saw my XWH, all the love died. It was absolutely devastating to really understand what it was I had fallen in love with. Clarity is the hardest and yet the best thing during all of this. It's like finding out you'd been cuddling with a spider for years. It is absolutely not your fault for not seeing this. In a sane world, NO ONE thinks this way, how the hell do we see that lunacy coming?

skeetermooch posted 9/10/2020 13:00 PM

Has anyone tried the courses on the Bloomforwomen website? It has a bunch of workshops around healing betrayal trauma and courses specific for SA.

I really need help getting back on my feet psychologically after this debacle.

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