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Hopefully I'm on the right track...

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MrCleanSlate posted 9/14/2020 12:34 PM

Doninvaun,

I was hoping this forum would be as close of having a friend to talk to

Going back to probably a year before my A, I wish I had some real friends who would have told me the facts and given me a swift kick up the ass, rather than playing into my ego kibbles.

Is it that you want us to commiserate with you? Or would you rather have some real help?

I'm not trying to be your friend here. I am trying to work on myself, and at the same time help out a few others who are in the same boat I am/was.

I came on here about 4 years after D-Day because my BW triggered on a few things and I realized I still had some work to do as I was getting complacent. Strange as it may sound, I get a lot out of this site for how to deal with my M. And I am still learning. We are not even close to perfect here. We do however have some battle scars and know what of we speak (at least on occasion :)

I get you are not prepared to share too much on this forum. That is OK. You can take the advice or leave it, and you can go off and ponder it all on your own.

I don't think you had your head bit off. I think you had some honest hard hitting feedback, that maybe you are not used to getting. You know, my BW now calls me out on everything. She doesn't hold back like she used to. That is a good thing for me. I hop you learn to appreciate that as well.

doninvaun posted 9/14/2020 15:11 PM

MrCleanSlate,

My message wasn't directed at you. Your messages were helpful and supportive. I was referring to messages that dissect every word I used to draw conclusion on my thoughts/intentions for criticism.

Yes, I am aware that I was a lying cheating narcissist who caused trauma to my wife, keep reiterating it doesn't help me. I know I still have a lot to learn, a lot to improve. And I appreciate people who are trying to help, but not nitpicking on verbiages. English is not my first language so I may use inaccurate words that could provide a different perception.

When I started my IC, I told the counselor the whole story and asked him to be blunt with me because I know I need to do a lot of work. He carefully asked and clarified everything at the end of every session before providing a conclusion about what my shortfalls are, explained why, and told me what/how I need to improve, he doesn't just pick on one word or one statement to determine what I really mean.

Was I being over sensitive? Yes, absolutely, I admit it. Why? because I pour my heart out, looking for people in the same boat to share experience and help, thinking this is the only place where I might get some sympathy, but got a slap in the face instead when I was being vulnerable.

I think there was only 1 or 2 messages that made me felt that way, but 1 is more than enough to shut me down.

I'm still in the early stage, 4 months in from Dday. In depression most of the time, having insomnia with very little sleep, very tired from trying to concentrate for work while also trying to show empathy for my BW triggers, and hold in all my emotions to keep it together. I feel exhausted, like just trying to keep my head above water so excuse me for being a bit over sensitive at this point, I don't mean to snap at anyone, I just don't have the energy to keep explaining myself any more.

Anyway, I want to thank you and all those who provided supportive & encouraging messages, most were helpful.

I just want to ask people to please be a little more sympathetic towards newbies, providing friendly constructive criticisms, not just plain harsh criticism even though all WS (myself included of course) deserve it.

MyAndI posted 9/15/2020 22:10 PM

After only 3.5 months you are nowhere near her cooling off anytime soon. Buckle up and be there for her, just keep showing her every day that you love her and that you will do what she asks of you. The fact that you saw hookers tells her that she wasn't exciting enough for you.

You seem more concerned about how this is affecting you, this is not meant as a 2x4 because I went through the same thing of having an expectation of BW on how she should deal with her pain.

"It just feel a bit exhausting because despite all my effort I feel like I'm not getting anywhere"

So you do want faster results! It's not going to happen.

She's hurting, badly! Her anger is a measure of how hurt she is.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 10:14 PM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

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