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Where did I go wrong

Defcon9898 posted 8/26/2020 12:00 PM

I was answering several affair questions for my wife when she asked me why it was sexual I answered withĒ For me the affair felt more emotional than sexual until the end even thou I will admit it was sexual from the startď she immediately would not let me talk or explain and said she was filing. I said how I felt then and what actually happened are two different things that I admit it was sexual as well even though it didnít feel that way to me when I was in the affair. I am horrible at knowing what I did wrong so here I am laying it out knowing someone will probably be brutally honest with me but it will be worth it.

[This message edited by Defcon9898 at 3:29 PM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

MrCleanSlate posted 8/26/2020 14:04 PM

Defcon,

Man I get that hopeless feeling of not knowing which is the right thing to do or say.

I'm a bit confused with how you wrote out about what transpired, but clearly there is much more at play here than the one question.

Take a step back and give a bit more explanation please.

DaddyDom posted 8/26/2020 17:04 PM

These types of posts/questions can be very hard to respond to Defcon. Without having been there and actually hearing the conversation and the mood, it is impossible to say what the exact reason(s) was. And just for the record, sometimes infidelity is just a deal breaker, period.

I will toss this at you however. It sounds as if (according to another post of yours) that you were trying to answer things "clinically", or "just the facts". What most WS's tend to lack is empathy for the BS.

Let's pretend that you are the BS and she's the WS. Imagine she had sex with another man, for a year straight. When you ask her why she needed to go to someone else for sex that you were willing to give her freely, she responds, "Well, he was a lot a bigger than you are, are certainly better at pleasing me. But for whatever reason, what really got to me is how much more I care about him than you. The sex was even better because I just loved him so damn much. You can't hold a candle to him."

How would you feel about that? Would it make you feel as if she ever loved you at all? Do you think you still matter to her, now that you know the OM was better than you in pretty much every way?

What you essentially told your wife was that she didn't matter at all, and that there is nothing you really love about her enough that couldn't be done better by a total stranger.

What you need to understand however is that you didn't actually (I think, others may disagree) say anything "wrong". You were honest with her, and honesty is what she needs, so she can make informed decisions about how to proceed and how she feels and what she wants. You gave her the truth, and based on that truth, she made a decision.

Take some time to get inside your own head, and keep seeing an IC. Some things still don't jive for me. In your other post you mentioned being a sex-addict, but typically, sex addicts tend to have multiple partners and affairs. Were there more? If not, why have you identified as a sex-addict? Just asking.

JBWD posted 8/27/2020 15:14 PM

I imagine you are feeling a bit gun-shy after all the feedback over the past 24.

So letís frame things adequately and see what we can do.

- The TT continues. As youíre seeing thatís a killer. Most of us here have done it, and it has fatal effects. Had I been open at the start I might be in R right now. The problem, as you see, is your honesty takes a toll because itís carrying the momentum of a TON of dishonesty with it. As such, there is no right answer. Your choices are
1. Continue to lie and conceal
2. Start doing what you should have been living, which
is being honest.

1. You canít lie anymore because you have helped your BW hone her bullshit detector. The kinds of lies youíve been keeping are unsustainable. Youíve done irreparable harm to your spirit, and that of your BW, who did nothing to deserve it.

2. Youíve already opened the door to honesty. This will be the only way to get past a life of deceit and manipulation. Hereís what itís likely to cost you: The woman you claimed to love and honor but didnít back up with deeds.

So you have only one choice IMO. Because either way youíre likely to lose someone you didnít value.

For you all I think space is necessary. Keep communication as brief as she would like. Build an enriching schedule, filled with things of value. Your reactions to solitude are likely going to be
1. ďI deserve this and will never change.Ē
- Recognize that you DO deserve this but MUST change.
2. Blaming your BW for not giving you another chance.
- Youíve had a couple extra chances and blown them.
No oneís patience is infinite, and youíve exhausted
hers.

Most cheaters donít take well to the ďYouíre gonna lose herĒ admonitions. All I can tell you is that as someone who did it wrong, Iím glad I have this group to help me face a future that I radically and destructively altered.

Final piece of advice is exceedingly practical- You need to start examining your actions, and beyond the relationship. IC and CSAT sound like theyíre both necessary. An additional tool to help reframe how you approach life is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT.) Itís a self-motivated approach to asking yourself why you feel certain ways, and understanding that in those feelings are distorted thoughts. I recommend it, a great resource is ďFeeling GoodĒ by David Burns.

Brother, life ainít gonna be pretty. But itís certainly gonna get worse if you donít face who you are now.

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