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the casual lie

t999 posted 8/24/2020 20:45 PM

so one of my coping skills that was causing a huge amount of pain for my wife was, little white lies. stupid things that to most might just be a whatever. things like saying i wont smoke, and i sneak a few in. or did you get an energy drink, nope not today. Plainly she can figure this out by smelling me from 3 miles away, or just looking my bank account because i really wasn't trying to hide that. I did however hide those things because i lied about it. I've been really good just being open for a little while and not found any reason to lie about anything especially the really small stuff, as i was in the moment and judge it to be a small thing and that would just be stupid to lie about it.

I no longer have anything big to lie about everything is out in the open of course with a lot of after the infidelity lies that i was scrambling to cause less damage by omitting things.

I isolated my behavioral trigger to being highly stressed to the point where I'm having issues remembering things I need to do, or issues i need to take care of. I seem to be a lot worse when I am really stressed and i start to forget things, and then it goes very fast down hill when she starts to react to the bad information, I mean who wouldn't right?

If anyone has a similar situation I would love some feedback and things I can do!

One thing i know has worked for me is when I feel stressed I stop myself right a way and take some time to just calm my body and mind so that I can better handle whatever situation I'm dealing with. This is a crap shoot though I think because what if I'm lit on fire...no time to distress in that moment have to put the fire out right away! that's where really need the help.

Thanks

JBWD posted 8/24/2020 23:16 PM

I propose that the stress doesnít cause forgetfulness but rather promotes deception because you feel existentially threatened- You equate feeling defensive with being set on fire, and you NEED to be able to recognize that as dramatic, unsure if thatís apparent to you.
This instinct will be better tempered if you can consistently acknowledge that your feeling threatened is a foreseeable output of what your BW has to do to get facts from you.

I think that itís a logical decision to think about what your interactions will reasonably look like. If your schedule is a ďnormalĒ one and you and she reunite towards the evening, then take a few minutes to think through the challenges that are likely to arise. Evaluate how you have communicated and how she has communicated as well- Has she been upset? Quiet? Bubbly? Does it look different? You canít react, so make a decision on how you will act.

MrCleanSlate posted 8/25/2020 07:36 AM

t999,

What you really need to do is start digging into why you feel you need to make these little white lies - a good IC can help you with that.

I did a lot of the same over the years. 'Yes dear, I checked the mail' - which i hadn't, BUT I didn't want to admit I forgot and disappoint her or make myself look irresponsible. That was some backwards thinking.
Nowadays it is 'I forgot to check the mail, but I'll go over to the mail box now' - no sweat off anyone's nuts by dealing with it this way.

What helped me was really beginning to understand why I didn't want to disappoint people.

It took me a few years to really re-train myself. be patient.

t999 posted 8/25/2020 11:50 AM

JBWD,and MrCleanSlate.

Thank you for your input. I didn't even think to look at the lies as a defense mechanism about feeling threaten! I can 100% relate to not wanting to disappoint especially in the very delicate place our relation ship is in now. I feel like every word is a chance for disaster and more pain for her so i find myself being a lot less engaging . What is so frustrating to me is the fact that I'm not as inept as i seem dealing with all of this, however when it comes to practice during real life situations and interactions 4 out of 10 tries I stumble into a hole that is very difficult to get out of.

Being in the moment and aware of what im saying to make sure coherent and makes sense to her when i start to lose my composure is very hard for me right.

We do have times of calm peace though and i can contribute that to mindfulness where I'm 100% focused on both her and my emotional state. I sit back and think to myself holy crap this is so easy why cant i just be like this all the time.

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