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Sexually humiliated

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FutureAlgae posted 8/24/2020 01:47 AM

I found a lot of old chat logs today that confirmed my wife has been cheating on me throughout the course of our marriage.

D-day was many months ago, so I've had plenty of time to accept who she is, that the marriage is doomed, and that I'm going to have to be cleaned out by a lawyer.

What really hurts this time is the sexual humiliation. I wasn't man enough. I have to accept that no one wants me, no one has for a long time, and it's unlikely that anyone will again after the damage of this.

I don't want to "survive" this. I'll be consumed with bitterness and rage for the rest of my life. I want to end this.

It's an overwhelming feeling of bitterness and grief.

[This message edited by FutureAlgae at 1:55 AM, August 24th (Monday)]

skeetermooch posted 8/24/2020 02:10 AM

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It's totally normally and valid to feel undesirable after infidelity. I know this sounds like a lame platitude but her cheating had nothing to do with you. As someone once told me, don't look for yourself in her infidelity. You aren't there. More than likely it's about her feeling inadequate and needing validation from new men because of some deep seated insecurities and pathology.

Many wonderful women are looking for a good man, with integrity. Intimacy isn't about finding the biggest and best stud. It's about trust and vulnerability.

Try not to beat yourself up - you were victimized by a liar and a cheat. You didn't deserve this.

DictumVeritas posted 8/24/2020 03:14 AM

FutureAlgea,

What really hurts this time is the sexual humiliation.

Brother, you were a faithful husband, have nothing to be humiliated for.

You wife on the other hand demonstrated the morals of an alley-cat. She deserves the humiliation in spades.

I wasn't man enough.

No, you were too much of a man, your wife couldn't handle having such a great man. She had to go into the gutters to find someone more on her level.

I have to accept that no one wants me, no one has for a long time, and it's unlikely that anyone will again after the damage of this.

No and again NO. I felt like that in 2000. Once I was single again, women I thought I never had a chance with came crawling out of the woodwork. I can't even tell you the surprise when the young office hottie suddenly tells you she had always had a thing for you and now that you are single (fill in the blanks)....

No, you are a good man and good men are in demand. It's a seller's market and women are buying.

Strength to you on your path.

baller20 posted 8/24/2020 03:15 AM

I'm sorry for you and what you are going through.
Serotonin levels in your brain have dropped of.
You need help to turn that around. Go see a therapist. Hang out with friends. Engage in physical activities. If you are too weak you could start with walks.
You are not humiliated, it's the cheater who has humiliated herself.
Small steps, small goals from the beginning. One day at a time. It will take some time but you will feel better.

Tigersrule77 posted 8/24/2020 06:16 AM

FA, I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

When a BS shows up at this site, we tell them that the A was not due to any failing on their part, it was the WS's fault. We say this not to make people feel better, but because it is the truth.

I think most (or all) BH's know how you feel. I definitely went through that. My XWW had multiple A's with different men, some in my house, and said many terrible things about me. It was very painful. I'm also a smaller guy (5' 6" about 180 pounds). I'm sure I had many of the same thoughts you had.

The fact remains, my XWW was a broken person looking for something she STILL hasn't found. Your WW is the same. Please do NOT allow her failings to reflect upon you.

In the future, you will find someone who respects you, cares for you, and WANTS to be with you. And you will be amazed by how good that feels.

Bigger posted 8/24/2020 06:24 AM

One thing to keep in mind:
To compare your sexual performance to the OM your wife has to have had sex with both.
The affair doesn’t take place during sex or even when the sex starts. The affair starts when your wife decides to go outside the marriage. One could argue it’s the moment she decides to let her hand reach for the buttons on her dress or the zipper on his jeans.
Your WW was already showing her deficiencies before she had the comparison.

It’s a lot easier for your wife then afterwards to say “I had sex with OM because he was so much better than FutureAlgea” rather than admit that she had sex because she didn’t respect her word or because she needed some false external validation.

And FA – the only way that you will stay forever in bitterness and rage is if you DECIDE to stay in bitterness and rage.

The1stWife posted 8/24/2020 06:29 AM

I’m sorry you feel this way. From the depths of despair I hope you realize it will not be like this forever.

Perhaps you could benefit from some professional counseling. The guy I saw saved my sanity during my H’s affair. Worth every penny.

Why are you letting a liar and cheater influence your ego? You should know that in many many affairs the cheating spouse Has to hate the betrayed spouse. It is their way of justifying the affair. It is the excuse they tell themselves to avoid having any guilt.

More then 75% of betrayed spouses are blamed for the affair. We hear it all from “you didn’t love me” to “you didn’t pay attention to me” to “I want sex 10x a week and you don’t “. The point is this —- the cheater will say and do anything to avoid taking any responsibility for their decision to cheat.

My H brought up something from 15 years prior to his affair as a reason to cheat. He carried around resentment from something I said for 15 years. He asked me about a job opportunity that was less salary and more commission. I told him I did not think it was a great opportunity. But I left the decision up to him. He resented my opinion for 15 years.

Cheaters are broken people. They hurt the people who live them the most. Please don’t let a lying dishonest cheater distort your views and impact your self esteem.

It is the cheater who has no self esteem that cheats and bashes their spouse. It’s kinda like a bully. They only feel good when putting others down.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:29 AM, August 24th (Monday)]

ShutterHappy posted 8/24/2020 07:12 AM

Your WW decided to cheat, THEN had sex with the other man. So the reason she cheated was not about how good you are in bed. She could not have known.

She DECIDED to cheat because some guy gave her compliments and she liked the ego kibbles. To keep the compliments coming, she THEN had sex in exchange and told the OM whatever he wanted to hear and/or said stupid things to justify her affair.

Think about it. She had no problem humiliating her husband just to get ego kibbles. What kind of person does that?

Can you imagine having an affair while you have a woman that loves you at home? Then humiliate the wife that loves you to get more sex? Probably not.

But your WW can, that’s who she is.

She’s the broken one. She wanted the safety and security of a husband and the attention and compliments of another man (men?) at the same time.

If the OM had been so great, she would have married him (or divorced you, then married him)

To be a good lover, all you need to do is care for the woman you’re with. Make sure she enjoys herself, stay faithful, so you protect her heart and her health.

Idiotmcstupid posted 8/24/2020 07:51 AM

Believe me, I understand this. I have emails from my Stbxw to her AP talking about how much bigger of a penis he had.
Y'know what's funny though?
Penises only get big when the owner is attracted to the person that's inserting them into his/her body. 😅
They stay kind of small otherwise.
She is an incredibly repulsive piece of shit. I am just fine.
Have had a few ex-girlfriends tell me that there was no problems there and that went a long ways in confirming for me that the problem was her.

heartbrokeninNC posted 8/24/2020 07:53 AM

FA, right now you are in the denial stage and it is perfectly healthy. We all went through it at some point. This affair (A) has nothing to do with you but everything to do with your wife. Your WW (wayward wife) has deep-seated issues and sought out the affair so she could be validated. She is trying to attach it to you to assuage her guilt. It's a common occurrence. There is no reason to be bitter but to rise above it and not allow your WW or the A to define you as a person. Listen to the folks here they've been through it and will guide you out of the storm if you let them. Take the information that you need and leave what you do not.

Keep posting!!!

[This message edited by heartbrokeninNC at 7:54 AM, August 24th (Monday)]

rugswept posted 8/24/2020 08:08 AM

Most of us have gone through something like this. We're so emasculated that we're sexually deflated.

I couldn't have had any interest in any woman after the A. We all have casual interest in other women (we notice them) but we leave it there and never make any moves or accept moves from other women.

After the A, I was REPULSED by other women and thought, oh, I get it, they're just playing everyone and up to no good as selfish piggies out to get things. Fortunately I recovered from that very distorted view. It took a while.

We eventually come to understand that these cheaters are looking for something and it's rarely pure sex drive stuff. It's something they should communicate about. Instead, to get what they want, they know if they put out they can get whatever they want. And, it goes without saying that the newness of the partner gives them strong sexual feelings and urges that is always temporary. They turn into porn stars. Believe me, I know.

You'll get over this. It will take time. In a year you'll start to get it about what all this was really all about and start to realize there really was nothing you could have done because you didn't know. And be sure of this: it had little to do with raw sex. Unfortunately for the two of you she decided to trade raw sex for whatever it was she was looking for.

Dismayed2012 posted 8/24/2020 08:09 AM

Sorry to hear about your situation FA.

"What really hurts this time is the sexual humiliation. I wasn't man enough. I have to accept that no one wants me, no one has for a long time, and it's unlikely that anyone will again after the damage of this."

We all go through these thoughts and feelings. You're not any different than the rest of us. Your cheater's behavior would have occurred regardless of who she was with. There were likely red flags that you ignored when you met her and while others were just one-night-standing her, you tried to make a whore into a housewife. That's were you went wrong. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with a emotionally deficient woman.

"I don't want to "survive" this. I'll be consumed with bitterness and rage for the rest of my life. I want to end this."

We all feel like this too; it's not true though. The only way that we can be consumed by bitterness, etc. is if we allow ourselves to. The reality is that our cheater's behavior has nothing to do with us. They may blame-shift and try to make us out to be the problem, but the truth is that they're the problem, they have emotional issues, and they are the destroyers of relationships and marriages. Time heals everyone; be patient, you'll heal too.

"It's an overwhelming feeling of bitterness and grief."

Yes it is. At some point we each must come to realization that the cheating partner has given us a gift. They've shown us who and what they are. We must realize that this is an opportunity for us to improve out lives by shedding the baggage that we picked up along the way and learning that we don't want to ever make the mistake of picking up a mentally stunted whore and trying to reform her.

You're life is not over and your life is not ruined. You have options and choices beyond what you're imagining now. Your life can only get better once you rid yourself of the people and things that are making you miserable. This is your opportunity to get free and to become more successful and active than you've ever been. This life is about you. You are the prize. It's time you take your life back from those who would discard it and realize that you are worth the effort and the time it takes to be the best in everything you do.

Take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

siracha posted 8/24/2020 08:15 AM

Buddy the world is full of great people who think noone wants them . This is just the trauma talking
Eat well exercise get a dog / cat see a therapist and treat yourself with deliberate kindness
Never internalize the criticism of your abuser , That toxic stuff should have zero place in your mind .

TwoDozen posted 8/24/2020 08:37 AM

@FA

So sorry you’re here bud but please know that you will not feel this way forever.

The good people of SI will give you advice on how to get through the very real trauma that comes with betrayal. You are not at fault, you are not weak, you did nothing wrong.

Anna123 posted 8/24/2020 08:52 AM

I have to accept that no one wants me, no one has for a long time, and it's unlikely that anyone will again after the damage of this.


Oh I beg to differ. As a woman, single good men are like precious gold. Please don't let a whore define you. The seeking of sexual stimulation outside a marriage is for sickly shallow people so really the opposite is true, she should be humiliated, and throughout much of history would have been.

I would strongly recommend either a church counselor or clergy if you are religious, or a regular therapist (you may need to try a few). Just a few meetings even, to get this out there with another living breathing human. I found christian radio soothing during the really down times also but if that isn't your thing, maybe something that you know is. Even if you don't feel like making the effort (I know-- it may seem pointless), just do it anyway you may be surprised at what music can do to the mind.

In the months ahead, be VERY CAREFUL of either needy or predator type women that target or are attracted to men who are vulnerable emotionally like you are now. You don't need a woman right now. You need yourself to find joy on your own first. And you will. Please be patient. Time really does take most of the edge off, even if it leaves some scars. This over the top emotional gutted feeling is a feeling, nothing more and it physically can not last.

Keep remembering that you are a good person who trusted his wife. That is what is normal and desirable to other good people. You weren't the first to be duped and you won't be the last.

Take care and once again, you will be very wanted as time passes and you work on becoming 'you'. Take care.

Bigger posted 8/24/2020 09:10 AM

FA
In your first post you mention having quit drinking while your wife still drinks a lot.
IMHO your sobriety is the key to your recovery.
What are you doing to protect it? Still off the bottle?
Have you looked into AA? 12 Step with a sponsor?

I ask because there is a lot of victim mentality in your statements:
You are sexually inadequate
You will be wiped out by an attorney
You won’t find anyone else…

These statements are not in line with your sentence in your first post here:
Since then, I've thrown myself into a lot of personal growth activities, especially meditation,

I would have hoped that 12 step and meditation would bring you to a place where you see your happiness is based on your actions, not her.
With your best intentions in mind I encourage you to look into ways to break out of victim mentality. There is a reason why the divorce process is the way it is and it IS fair. D is a mathematical enigma where somehow having half of something you previously owned half of seems worse. Generally both parties complain that they got the short stick in divorce.

NeverTwice posted 8/24/2020 09:36 AM

OP - please do not consider suicide. If you are please call or chat with these people.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

1-800-273-8255

And, while it feels like you will never get over this, you WILL survive it. It will hurt and will change you forever. But you have great worth - and did not deserve being cheated on.

Listen to the wise words you will get from people who have been there. this forum has many users that have been through this and survived it.

I wish you peace and healing.

pureheartkit posted 8/24/2020 09:40 AM

There is how we feel and then there is what is true.

What is true-

We are all able to be loving, wonderful people. we choose.

It is not your future to go without love and happiness. Money is a tool. Do not worry. You can get more. Don't live in fear. Let go of fear and say I'm going to a happy life. Then the person who loves you had room to come in.

I know you feel hurt right now. What she chose is not about who you are. Make a plan to be the best person you can imagine then take a step every day. Don't stay in the unhappy past. That's not a nice place to live. I want better for you.

pureheartkit posted 8/24/2020 09:44 AM

Cheaters lie and say crap in their texts anyway. It's a kind of theater. Goes along with the lies they are living with and the rest. It's baloney.

Okokok posted 8/24/2020 10:21 AM

Hey FutureAlgae, I've read your posts.

My advice to you would first be to consider engaging in a dialog here with us. Really talk it through, ask questions, let us know what's going on, what she's doing and saying, what you're doing and saying and thinking, etc.

I am getting the sense that there is a lot of support and healing we could help you with.


I have to accept that no one wants me, no one has for a long time, and it's unlikely that anyone will again after the damage of this.

Man, I felt the exact same way in the wake of infidelity. Exactly the same.

Come to find out, it's not even close to true. People here aren't just feeding you lines that you want to hear. If you can make it through to the other side, you're going to find a whole new world out there. Seriously.

Have you given your brain a chance to think about that at all? About the very awesome possibilities that lie ahead for you?

40 is the new 30, guy. The grief you're feeling is real. The pain, the humiliation, the bitterness and rage...these are all real.

The stories you tell yourself about no one ever wanting you are not real. Same for the stories you tell yourself about things being one shitty way for the rest of your life.

There is a vast, beautiful world out there beyond your wife, all there for you to explore if you want it.

[This message edited by Okokok at 10:21 AM, August 24th (Monday)]

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