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Possible Bipolar: Final Update?

FuckedUpMajorly posted 8/23/2020 12:44 PM

Hey all,

Last update for me most likely. I wanted to make sure to reach out to everyone and thank you all again for your thoughts and advice. There was so much going on directly in the aftermath of the confession, the breakup, and the discovery of multiple mental illnesses, and I cannot fully explain how useful it was to hear concrete advice from a variety of sources that had a little separation from the things happening to me. Thank you so much. I wish you all my sincere best.

Iím now three weeks into meds, and am on a regular sleep/exercise/eating schedule for the first time ever in my life. It feels weird to feel very physically good when feeling mentally off. Iíve been on meds for about a month now with the anti-psychotics, and am seeing really good things from them. Iím feeling more centered and stable than I ever have before in my life, and this is at a low dosage still. Weíre looking at adding a mood stabilizer to help keep my hypomanic moments tamped down, and Iíll be compliant with anything my care team thinks is a good idea, but already Iím amazed at how much better Iím feeling in so many small ways. Even speaking to my mother on the phone sheís been saying that Iím less frantic, calmer, and easier to talk to. Personally Iím finding even the harder things easier because I am able to name them (ah, Iím feeling hyper and I canít focus. Ok. Calm down a bit, Throwaway. You just upped your med dosage, youíre going to be a little hypomanic for a few days until you adjust).

Right now the thing Iím trying to grapple with is the guilt that I can get all these concrete things to work on to feel better when my ex doesnít. I hate that I did what I did and that he is hurting because of me. None of what Iím writing is an excuse for what I did. Iíve been working on a timeline with my care team to figure out when ups and downs were in my life so we can catalogue the frequency of bipolar episodes - my time abroad was officially categorized as a mental breakdown. Again thatís not an excuse. I find it just disappointing and sad, and am using it as a kind of fuel to make sure nothing like that ever happens again.

We did have a phone call about a week and a half ago. I had messaged him to let him know about the bipolar, as he was thinking about calling me. I wanted to give him time to process the mental health stuff, so gave him a heads up over a few texts. He thanked me for letting him know and we got on the phone a week later.

The phone call was good for closure but made me feel just awful for him. I think thereís a freedom to us being broken up that is now allowing him to show me more of his feelings that he had been hiding throughout the relationship. I did a bad and wrong thing, but I realized when speaking to him that if I had not done that bad thing, we would have likely broken up anyway. It did make me feel less guilty for having asked him to go to therapy when we were together.

He genuinely does not like the idea of any kind of conflict in a relationship, no matter how minor, and was deeply angry and resentful while saying everything was fine for the entirety of our relationship whenever I tried to bring something up. He said that he would still like to be friends, and that I am ďforgiven for the cheating because [I] am a forgiving person,Ē but that ďthe thing that really pissed me off, looking over the relationship, was every time you tried to bring something up to change.Ē He said that he doesnít believe that in relationships anyone should have to discuss anything, that they should silently realize itís a problem and adjust. I was frankly bewildered at this, especially because things I brought up to him in the past were things that were directly hurting me - things like our dead bedroom, his long nails hurting me during foreplay, wanting to plan for long-term financial things and being told he was unable to save even five dollars a month. He doubled down and said that discussing those things shouldnít have to happen, which is something that is just very against the core of what I believe it means to be in a healthy relationship. I think he knew this when we were together, which is why he would pretend to agree or try to put things off. I think he is very afraid of conflict to the point that he avoids it, and resented me for ever wanting to discuss anything. This makes me so sad and scared for him. He deserves to feel like he can bring things up in a partnership, and that his partner can bring things up without it being an attack against him. I asked as gently as I could if he was considering therapy. He does not feel he needs it. I did what I could to let him know that I will always be there for him, and that if I can help him in any way all he needs to do is ask. I said all the things I wanted to say (that were appropriate), and in the end it seems he really doesnít even care about the bipolar and PTSD diagnoses. He said he didnít really look up any symptoms and doesnít consider it an important thing.

So in a way, closure - I know I wonít be ready for any kind of relationship with ANYONE until Iíve been stable for a while and am doing ok just taking care of myself. And I know that in order to be in a relationship with my ex he would have to be willing to talk about conflict, which unfortunately I donít think he will ever be until he either talks to a therapist or realizes through trial and error that some sort of conflict is inevitable. (I really hope none of this sounds like I didnít still do an awful thing - I completely did. He has every right to be angry or not want to talk about the cheating - Iím talking about some larger things that were present in our relationship before I fucked up.)

We are messaging each other more casual things regularly now though (a news article here, a small joke there) and are no longer no-contact. I think we can slowly start rebuilding to friendship, and Iím hoping that as a friend I can help him with the conflict avoidance in ways that maybe I couldnít have as a partner. I want him to be happy and to heal as much as he can. Iím finding that life is so much bearable now that I know what some of my demons are so that I can tackle them, and Iím praying for him that he is also able to get to that place.

Sorry Iím all rambly. Thatís where things stand right now. Iím still doing a weekly session with my psychiatrist so that we can keep an eye on the meds, and twice weekly sessions with my therapist. The stability with the meds means that Iím being a more consistent friend than Iíve ever been, and Iím very lucky that my friend group sees fit to keep loving me through all this despite what I did. Iíve honestly been blown away by it.

Iíll keep an eye on this post, but after a few days Iíll not be on here as often just for my mental health. Again, thank you so much to everyone who lent an ear and voice to all this. Iím hoping and praying that I can get to a place someday where I can solidly stand and know I will never be the kind of person who cheats, and Iím also hoping and praying that my ex heals and is able to face some of his demons.

You all have my love. I'm rooting for all of you.

Cheers,

FuckedUpMajorly

sundance posted 8/23/2020 12:49 PM

Iím still doing a weekly session with my psychiatrist so that we can keep an eye on the meds, and twice weekly sessions with my therapist. The stability with the meds means that Iím being a more consistent friend than Iíve ever been, and Iím very lucky that my friend group sees fit to keep loving me through all this despite what I did. Iíve honestly been blown away by it.

I don't know your full story (only what I read above).

But I've been preaching kindness and love lately, and just wanted to say that I'm so HAPPY for you that you have found a loving support group.

Best of luck in your continued healing <3 .

MrCleanSlate posted 8/24/2020 07:14 AM

FUM,

Good for you to take a proactive approach to your mental health and to start to recognize your moods, and be honest about that to yourself and others.

It will take many months to balance out all the meds and get into a new routine. My younger son is finally settling in about 8 months after starting meds (some compliance issues due to wanting to be social, etc - but being 20 he did pretty good). Best thing to do is keep compliant with the meds and tell your Dr/Psych. about any moods, shaking hands, weight gain, whatever. It will help to balance everything out.

Keep working on yourself. Also keep digging into your Whys. That will go a long way to help you work on improving.

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