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Update: progress, but is it too late?

OneInTheSame posted 8/9/2020 16:56 PM

My wife is doing better. I say this even though oft repeated feelings are needing to be repeated again, and leave me with surprise. I know now she is capable of only so much. But she is trying.

I know she is sorry. I know she loves me. I know it will never happen again. I know she wants to spend the rest of her life living and caring for me. And I am glad.

But it may be too late. My health has deteriorated so much, I donít have much energy, I donít have enough good days or time, to enjoy what it is I wanted to save. We will never travel again. If we survive this pandemic and all the changes it has wrought, I will still be trapped inside a body that wonít allow me to enjoy whatís left. And she now acknowledges that the affair and aftermath have made this much worse.

We havenít really rebuilt much, or designed what our new relationship could be, because too much time was spent hurting and fighting and feeling guilty and ashamed. Itís been almost five years since d-day ó so much wasted time.

Weíre not going anywhere. We will always be together, because we want to be. But the life is so drained out of me just from fighting the way the affair scars have affected my chronic and progressive illnesses that I donít know where the joy will come from.

Maybe the isolation of this pandemic, and not seeing my daughter and my two precious grandchildren, the checker at the grocery store, the vendors at the farmers market ó even my own primary care physician ó face-to/face ó has left me feeling low on hope. I was isolated before the affair and the affair highlighted how trapped in this sick body I was. And the future looks almost indistinguishable from the past ... except for the knowledge of that six months affair. And that seems to keep me from seeing into any kind of joy in the future, because the affair and itís aftermath broke me.

[This message edited by OneInTheSame at 6:26 PM, August 9th (Sunday)]

Want2BHappyAgain posted 8/10/2020 02:50 AM

(((HUGS)))

Now STOP!!! YOU are one of the strongest people on this site Dear Lady...you aren't broken...just bent .

This pandemic has wreaked havoc on so many people...especially on our mental health. I am a hugger...and I love to smile at everyone...and it is hard to let people see my smile through a mask. I never got to hug my Dad before he passed away...and it breaks my heart that this damn mess stopped that from happening . So I agree with you that this pandemic may very well be causing this hopelessness you are feeling.

You have survived infidelity...and you will get through this too . You say that stress has caused your illnesses to get worse. So you can start there with having as stress free a life as you can.

I can't imagine the pain you are feeling from your illnesses. I do know what the pain of betrayal and TT and fighting feels like though...as most of us on here do . For ME...the key was turning the negative thoughts to positive ones .

Take your title for instance. Instead of wondering if it is too late...wonder about the possibilities that you two CAN do . You've got a remorseful and loving wife now...some people on here never got to have that. THIS is a great place to start! Look at how FAR y'all have come!!! YOU especially !!! NONE of us know what tomorrow brings...all we can do is live for TODAY. Today my friend...you are with the woman who LOVES you . No BUTS after that . She LOVES you...period. Go from there...and ENJOY this day .

The past is GONE...none of us can chang it. Tomorrow may never come...so you can't worry about it. But TODAY you are LOVED...and ALIVE....and it is YOURS to choose what to do with it. Even if all you can do is to stay in bed...do it wrapped in the knowledge that YOU are the reason your wife is smiling today .

The1stWife posted 8/10/2020 05:21 AM

Want2B nailed it.

You can choose joy or choose pain. You can celebrate where you are now or live in the past.

sisoon posted 8/10/2020 13:20 PM

I'm so sorry your physical health has deteriorated. I hope your W helps you be as comfortable as you can be.

Anna123 posted 8/10/2020 19:15 PM

Want2

I never got to hug my Dad before he passed away..

Same here and now his sister is alone in a nursing home and I am not allowed to visit her there. I question how 'maybe' saving lives goes compared to 'definitely' causing severe loneliness and the destruction of dreams and livelihoods, which leads to other horrible things----- and on and on---- There is no absolute right way to handle it really.

Anyway, OneInTheSame. I agree with you that this isolation is probably contributing to your feelings. And that is what it is when it gets like that. More of an overwhelming feeling than an emotion that is reacting to a trigger in a way? Not speaking to the physical discomfort aspect but the thoughts you were conveying.

Ughhh. I can't begin to say I can relate to your situation but I can say there are a few never's in there that are really maybe's? Travel on a smaller scale for example? Unless you have a definite time-line from a doctor, health ebbs and flows. I've seen it with both my dad and aunt for example. So many life threatening issues that faded, and yes, were traded for others. But a lot of bouncing back to health mixed in and a lot of joy. At this moment you may have wait out the depression (or counteract it when you feel so inclined) and look forward to seeing your family etc. but just know you are not alone. Every day is a new day and your energy etc. will shift as time passes. You are resilient.

Take care and do your best to nurture your health while you are going through this.

CaptainRogers posted 8/10/2020 22:13 PM

OITS, I know that long, painful experience. I know how it feels to wake up daily, hoping that this is the day it all turns around. I know that longing to finally feel loved again.

Yep, we have very similar experiences. We are going to be with our spouses who will never fully understand the pain they have caused for a long time.

Along the way, over the last 3 1/2-ish years, I have learned so much.

First, I can allow the hurt to still consume me. Or, I can touch it, feel it, handle it like a feather or a dandelion poof...and then let it float away. Recognize it. Call it what it is. And then give it over to the breeze. Will it come back? Sure. But I can just do it all over again.

Second, I know, as well as you, that my spouse will never truly understand empathy. Somewhere along their lives, they never learned it. They never saw or felt that safety and vulnerability in those formative years. So, as adults, they don't know how to express (or, I might add how to feel) it. So, I've learned to not go there. When I'm down or having a bad day, I chat with someone else. Generally it's my business partner who is a CPA and wouldn't know a feeling if it showed up wrapped with a bow and a card that said "feelings attached", but at least he is willing to listen. 😄

And finally, I'm not sure either of our spouses is gifted when it comes to being able to express their feelings in ways that speak to us. From the Love Language perspective, my languages are all totally foreign to my wife. It's like me having a native language of French and my wife trying to speak to me in Spanish. The Latin roots are close enough that I may be able to somewhat understand what she is trying to say, but it is such a chore for either of us that I have to adapt to understanding what she is saying in her own language. Is it more work on my part? Absolutely. Is it hard? Dang straight it is. Is it emotionally exhausting? You bet! But if I'm in this for the long run, it will get easier for me to tune in the station.

I know that you are exhausted. I know that you are feeling down because of the emotional drain on you from so many different directions. But you've got this! You are strong. You are powerful. You are a lioness! You are a CHAMPION!

And you WILL come away triumphant.

Let yourself be victorious. You've got this!

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