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New Here/Hurting

JulyDD posted 7/31/2020 13:26 PM

where to start and not have such a block of text that no on e will read it?

In a 15 year 2nd marriage. I was so intentional in this marriage, counted my blessings, felt grateful, appreciated what he could do and not on what he couldn/t.

In 2018, something was way off. Just like all the cliches. I asked again and again and again, "Is naything taking your energy outside the marriage? A friendship, flirtation, real love affair, just sex, an addiction etc... His answers (I am a wife btw) always a convincing no. I snooped, I had no access to his phone or computer I got nothing. But my gut was off the charts. He left out of the blue one saturday morning. I mean no warning. I cried, begged, pleaded. And of course said "There has GOT to be someone else." Long story short. after almost divorcing we reconciled in 2019.

So my D day is the very recent (and strangely welcome) info that there WAS another woman in another city. All his excuses were cliche (in the past/hurt you/look forward).

I will say that he is accepting his role and or the first time, willing to listen to me and talk for hours. And admit he can see his narc tendencies for the first time.

But that time apart (which I was told again and again was self reflection and depression) was a good old fashioned mid life affair.

I'm tired. I feel old. But I don't want to make any huge decisions. I just don't right now. It's a fresh wound and makes me re-think everything.

I actually doubt she knew that I was in the dark and fighting for my marriage. I sure hope so. I FB stalked her-did not know she existed before! Found one group photo that he is in (nice!). I am not reaching out nor do I want him to to have her take it down.

Again, very tired and sad.

Bor9455 posted 7/31/2020 13:41 PM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:54 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

JulyDD posted 7/31/2020 13:50 PM

Thank you for the input! I am way ahead of you on the STD front, all done and all clear. I have told him that is not a "Well that's done."

We have a long road ahead. I am tired of being tired and said. I used to be strong, optimistic, gentle and fun! Swear to God! Just ask the other woman. Kidding. But my sense of humor has saved me as has one of my sister in laws who has given up hundreds of hours to me in the last 2 years. I can never repay her.

Bor9455 posted 7/31/2020 13:56 PM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:54 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

JulyDD posted 7/31/2020 14:45 PM

Thank you for the reply.

The hard thing for me, I am only finding out about the reality of the affair that ended in 2018. I asked that whole time and when we reconciled (without my knowing an affair was "had" and over) he did not take that opportunity to tell me about it.

So it is over but I am just learning about it and questioning that time period plus (obvi) his huge deceit.

I am proceeding with caution.

Buster123 posted 7/31/2020 14:58 PM

Exactly when did you find out and how ? it's obvious he tried R without telling you the truth (LYING), so your R efforts have been based in a huge lie, no honesty means no remorse, no remorse means he's NOT (at least at this point) a good candidate for R, plus this may not even be his first rodeo and there could be other OWs.

Insist on a complete and detailed written timeline of the A subject to a polygraph (very important and make sure you go through with it), you may even get a "parking lot confession" right before the test (we've seen this before numerous times here), also consult a D attorney to know your options and while you're at it ask him about a postnuptial agreement in your favor in case he cheats again in the future, remember he's now a proven cheater and a liar who was playing russian roulette with your health. Keep posting frequently, this is a crucial moment and the collective wisdom of SI could help you go through this difficult situation, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script, we've seen it play out THOUSANDS of times.

rugswept posted 7/31/2020 15:06 PM

Timeline, get the real timeline.
As indicated above, get the basic action one and don't look at the XXX one unless you really have to know the fine details. Some need every detail. That's a personal thing.

Timeline should indicate how it started, where, when. When did they get it on, they did what, how often. What about protection? (Most use nothing). Find out about gifts, or "special" places they went.

Find out how it ended and demand access to anything he used in any way to communicate with her. Make his delete apps or social media, permanently, if that's what he used.

If you don't do the above, you will stewing around in confusions and uncertainty indefinitely. Finding out what's above might end it for you, completely. It will guarantee that you're facing it, head on, unvarnished, no sugar for the medicine.

You can't let ignorance, denial and rugsweeping to rule the day. You, and he, has to face what really happened and what he really did. It's a very profound thing when one pledged to us gives themselves, and takes from another, what is supposed to be private and ours alone. It destroys us to the last fiber of our hearts, our mind and our soul.

Demand what you want. He was a lying cheater and deflected your suspicions with gas lighting and rotten shitty excuses.

I rugswept most of it. Eventually, decades later, we had "THE DISCUSSION".

You cannot and will not recover unless you do what is outlined here. This is what I've got as the cliff notes for getting started on the real road to recovery after getting the collective observations on these sites by hundreds of afflicted. And it's the longest, hardest, most destructive hurtful thing you will ever know in your whole life, unless you have lost a child.

By following what is outlined here, if you follow it: beware - it might end everything for you. Follow it and survive, and you're on the real road to recovery for you will know what you are actually forgiving.

Good Luck.

(Edited to fix typos).

[This message edited by rugswept at 3:07 PM, July 31st (Friday)]

BigMammaJamma posted 7/31/2020 16:05 PM

I'm so sorry July. It is such a weird feeling to feel validated and devastated at the same time. I am not sure exactly how recent your dday was, but you are likely in shock. It gets better, eventually. Give yourself some grace and give your wh the space to see if he has what it takes to reconcile.

Sadismynewname posted 8/1/2020 08:51 AM

July-I too thought I had looked for and intentionally found someone in my second marriage that shared my values and goals in life. I too was so thankful for his good qualities and he was told so on a regular basis. We had been married 36 years when this garbage came into my life. It has been so difficult to forgive him and have any trust in him even after 2 and a half years. Time has diminished the pain and anger but I still have my guard up and I donít think I can ever feel 100 percent safe with him ever again.

George1980 posted 8/4/2020 16:13 PM

Can anyone tell me how to get rid of the pain have a meal I can eat or even sleep

Buster123 posted 8/4/2020 19:14 PM

George1980 I suggest you create your own thread and remove your last name from the signature/tag line.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 7:14 PM, August 4th (Tuesday)]

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