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How to heal?

mariellaxo posted 7/31/2020 08:25 AM

Hi everyone. Iíbe been panicking ever since I found out my ex of 7 years dumped me for another woman. The BU was 4,5 months ago (weíre both 25). He originally told me he felt too young to be in a serious relationship and that he wants to be single and figure out who he is without me. Well.... apparently that was all a lie.

I was originally doing better emotionally (compared to the first two months were I barely existed.) I have new hobbies, made new friends but I still couldnít let go and thought of him constantly. I was/ am still hanging onto his words that ďmaybe in the future weíll find our way back to each otherĒ and ďIíd rather lose you now and have you in the futureĒ - though this didnít make sense to me. But clearly all his words were lies anyways.

My family and friends told me Iím stuck on the relationship, that enough time has passed and that I should think more rationally and accept that itís over and that heís not in love with me anymore. I just donít know how. I feel like Iím back to the beginning and I donít have the strength to deal with this raw heartbreak again.

I deluded myself into believing that heíll come back, that heíll only have random unemotional hookups... that he really does want to be alone.
Just like everyone else here (I assume) I believe that our love was different. We were best friends (before we started dating), he loved me unconditionally, we talked about getting married one day and raising our children in a beautiful house. Everything in terms of our future together was so certain. Unfortunately we also had our fair amount of heated arguments throughout the years and when he broke up he told me he never processed them at all and that he needs time to heal his wounds.
Again, another reason for him to be ďaloneĒ.
Though now I know he chooses to ďhealĒ with another woman.
I also know he emotionally faded out of our relationship months before he broke up. But I still donít understand how he can be with someone else. After having loved me so deeply....

I even asked him after he broke up with me if thereís another woman, which he denied. In fact, he laughed and told me that I need to understand that he seriously just wants to be alone and single. I wish he couldíve been honest.

Iím convinced his new girlfriend will do everything right. I just donít know how to stop thinking about them. I feel like there are only two options: either I obsess over them or I suppress every thought of them (thus ignoring reality).
How do I accept this properly?
How do I heel properly?
Rationally I see that we have been over for months and that heís not coming back. But in my mind weíre still meant to be and this is nothing more than a terrible nightmare Iíll wake up from.

I havenít talked to him in 4 months.

I hope someone can help me out.

susielee posted 7/31/2020 08:46 AM

Your pain is as real any anyone else's.

Unfortunately the solution is the same too. You will have to let him go. The best way to do it is to just starting doing things you like. It isn't about meeting someone new, though that will likely happen. It is about putting you first and healing.

My guess is, once you are back on track, he might very well want to see you again. I would be very careful about that.

See what life has to offer. Oh to be young again. If I had my young years over again, and I knew what I know now; my choices would have been different.

I am in a good remarriage now, (I got dumped at 40) thought I would be heart broken forever. No, once you start putting them out of your mind they will fade.

My ex recently blew up his relationship with our son/family. That caused me to do some research on folks with narcissist type personalities, and I came upon this and Chump Nation.

So many good folks here, and over there. Wish I had them when my world was crumbling.

keptmyword posted 7/31/2020 12:34 PM

Was he ever actually unfaithful to you while you were a couple?

From what you have written it seems that this is a situation where he ended the relationship and then began dating some one else, or is that not the case?

In either case, you are very young and have your whole life ahead of you.

If he was unfaithful to you then be very glad this happened before you were married and having kids.

If you think this is painful now, imagine this feeling multiplied by 1000 - that is what it is like when children are involved.

I know this is cliche but, move on!

He is NOT the end-all, be-all of your world.

No one is - only you are.

heartbroken_kk posted 7/31/2020 20:26 PM

I'm sorry you are here. It sounds like he had an exit affair and told you BS lies to save face. What a weakling. You are better off moving on than staying attached and keeping your attention on this loser.

It takes time to heal and get the focus back on yourself. Take a look at the information here in this forum about the 180, and also in the the healing library (left top corner).

Keep posting. You can use this as a place to write your thoughts, nobody will judge you for it being difficult to let go and move on. We've been there.

standinghere posted 8/1/2020 02:10 AM

family and friends told me Iím stuck on the relationship, that enough time has passed and that I should think more rationally and accept that itís over and that heís not in love with me anymore

Accept that it is over, but reality is that after 7 years it will take a while to process and resolve it. He obviously has been processing it for a lot longer than you, and he was not ready for what you were ready for.

I havenít talked to him in 4 months.

Probably for the better. If he was lying to you during the relationship, you certainly can't trust him now, and his lies may go a lot further than you would believe. Live your life, live it well, and find someone who really loves you for you.

The1stWife posted 8/1/2020 06:08 AM

There is a healing process you are going through but it takes time. A 7 year relationship doesnít heal in 4-5 months unless you are the cheating X.

Heís healing his pain by immediately jumping into a new relationship. Big mistake.

You are not seeing the reality of the break up. He told you a bunch of lies (he hopes to come Back to you) And is trying to himself. He is being manipulative in telling you His ďmaybe somedayĒ crap.

You are worth more than being his back up plan.

Heís not a great guy. At least not the great guy you thought.

Have you thought about professional counseling to help you during this rough time? Sometime to help support you on this emotional roller coaster stage of life can be very helpful.

Okokok posted 8/1/2020 08:26 AM

I feel like there are only two options: either I obsess over them or I suppress every thought of them (thus ignoring reality).

There are other options, though these two (especially the first one) are likely to be part of your journey along the way.

While I'm no psychologist, I know a thing or two about this and have some personal experience processing this stuff out of my mind and body over time. If you check my story, you'll see that I went through this at the end of my marriage a while back, and I'm kinda currently going through it in the wake of another long-term (couple of years) relationship, and I'm basically on your timeline for that (breakup about 5 months ago).

Here are some tips:

1) The "obsessing" thing you speak of: *you* have to actively work on that. There are things you can do. Start by checking your social media habits and deleting/blocking. Do not allow yourself to go through old texts or pictures. Remove things from your home that are triggers/reminders. That's a start.

These triggers will spark hours and days of the "panicking" you refer to, so get them out of your life, and consciously make decisions to NOT seek out/check up/look into what's up with your ex. The benefits of that conscious decision-making will compound over time, though they may be imperceptible at first.

2) For triggers you can't avoid, consciously and with purpose take them head-on and plow through them. Impossible to avoid that public place where something happened with your ex? Ok, recognize that, notice what's happening with you internally as you go there, process with yourself before, during, and after. May take 100 visits before it becomes a totally benign experience. Just check in with yourself and walk the walk.

3) All the other basic advice applies here. Take care of yourself, get exercise, talk to your doctor if you need to (about anxiety/sleep meds, etc.). Get a therapist. Post here a lot, or pull back from here when you need to. Socialize with friends and family. Do things you love doing. Invest in yourself in the ways that feel good for you. Watch funny things on Netflix. Eat a cupcake and take notice when the air smells sweet.

4) WHEN YOU'RE READY, start allowing your heart and soul and brain to begin to open up to the beautiful life ahead of you. Hard to see it now, but you must rationally know that there is life beyond this guy, that you have been treated in a way that is NOT ok and that would have ruined you over time, and there is much more to come for you. You didn't expect or even want something else, but that's ok, your perspective will eventually change.

A switch will flip for you at some point. You'll feel an excitement about what's happening in your life and what may come next. You'll suddenly notice that cute guy at the grocery store in a way you hadn't before. Eventually, your life flower will re-bloom, you'll be out for drinks with people who love you or even maybe on a date, and you'll recognize that as your body and mind were doing their things to heal you, the world was still turning all along.

At that point, you'll be 100% ok.

No way to get to that end point except to walk to it, and that's the hardest way of course, but necessary. You will get there.

[This message edited by Okokok at 8:30 AM, August 1st (Saturday)]

allusions posted 8/2/2020 00:02 AM

You were in a relationship for 7 years. Getting over a long term relationship takes time and 4 or 5 months is not very long. Then you add the fact that he was unfaithful and betrayed you. You have to go through processing that and that takes even more time.

Unfortunately we also had our fair amount of heated arguments throughout the years and when he broke up he told me he never processed them at all and that he needs time to heal his wounds.
What in the world does he mean by this? Every relationship has arguments. He has some kind of wounded soul because you two argue? I think what he said was correct--he is too immature to be in a relationship if he gets traumatized by arguments.

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