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I made him leave the house, I need your comments and support

Merti posted 7/27/2020 02:20 AM

Hi everyone,
Long story short, my husband of over 10 years did the unthinkable, I found out several months ago but he didnít stop it. The trauma was horrible. He says he is confused and doesnít know what he wants. I told him many times that in that case he should go and live his life. Great opportunity right, if you want to be with someone else. But no, he loves!! me, he loves spending time with me, but he doesnít know how to end the A. I listened to him, I was patient, I did everything to please him (separate bedrooms), but as you all know already, he is still a cake eater and I am done. So, in a calm and collected manner, I told him to leave. I love you, I donít want to leave you etc. were no answers, he had to just leave me alone.

1.Please help me to remind myself that I did the right thing. I know it was the only option, but pushing him to the cow hurts me very much.

2. He never did such a thing before, he was always a loyal partner. He went through some traumatic events right before these, but of course, nothing can be an excuse. He asks me this: ĎBut I never did such a thing before, why did I do this, why now?í As if he is trying to tell me he found someone so special that itís worth losing it all. The worst thing is, even I will believe this stupid logic since I canít answer how a loving, caring husband changed so much. If she is soooo special, why was he following me around for months, and refusing to leave?(other than to be a cake eater)

RocketRaccoon posted 7/27/2020 03:46 AM

Merti,

Sorry to hear that it has come to this.

1. You did right for your own sanity and self-respect. You did not 'push him' to anything. He wilfully chose his path. Even if you did not kick him out, he would have still gone on that path.

2. It is not your responsibility to 'find himself'. Your responsibility is to heal yourself. All your WS is doing is making excuses, and you are getting drawn in to them. Stop it now. You know what you are doing is the correct thing.

He is refusing to leave because his AP has not 'committed' to him yet, but once she does, you will see how fast he will monkey branch.

All in all, you will need to continue on your own journey, and at your own pace. You don't change the pace for any reason, unless YOU feel that he pace needs to change.

If your WS truly wants to follow you on that journey, he will, and he will have to keep up with YOUR pace. Do not let him convince you to change the direction nor the pace.

I have posted this many times and it still holds true, the betrayed partner is always the prize. It will show what the WS thinks as the prize, when the BS starts walking away (taking away the ability to cake eat); will the WS head towards the AP, or the BS...?

Buffer posted 7/27/2020 03:47 AM

Hi 👋
You have the look after #1 yourself. To bring him to reality he has the see what he is losing. Legally I am unsure if you can kick him out. Please seek legal advice for your location.
Talk with a trusted friend, get tested for STDs etc (I am unsure if you have already done this). Try to eat healthy and drink water. You have to be prepared to loose the relationship to win him back. I am unsure of the whole story.
One day at a time
Buffer

steadychevy posted 7/27/2020 06:04 AM

He doesn't know how to end the affair. You know, Merti, this is garbage. He knew how to start one and carry on with one. It isn't that hard to end it if he really wanted to. He's trying to play both situations.

If he's trying to play both situations because he is so selfish and self-centred he isn't worthy of you. If he's too weak to actually end the adultery he's not worthy of you.

Idiotmcstupid posted 7/27/2020 08:10 AM

You have ABSOLUTELY done the right thing. Please don't do what I did and stay with a cheater just to be revictimized again and again. It's not a good experience. These people lie. They HAVE to cheat. It is part of who they are.
My STBXW would have pole vaulted over my dying body to cheat on me, but it took me 4 years and immeasurable amounts of suffering to figure that out.

ZoeS posted 7/27/2020 10:24 AM

1. You 1000% did the right thing! You have chosen yourself, self respect and a path to emotional safety. Your WH sounds exactly like mine. I WISH I had done what you did and been able to say, look, you need to go and live your life because I'm done with you. It would have saved me so much heartache. A cheater who is "unable" to end their affair is beyond useless, and will only bring continuous grief into your life. You're going to feel better. Take the time you need to mourn, always looking after yourself through the process.

2. He did this because he has an emptiness inside himself, that he cannot fill on his own. Cheaters see an opportunity, they open themselves to this because they are yearning to fill that emptiness. That "falling in love" feeling is like a drug (literally chemicals in the brain), and they want more. They convince themselves that it's somehow justifiable. It doesn't just magically happen, they make many many small decisions to get to that point. Their egos long for the stroking they feel from someone new. After awhile, an existing, loving partner, doesn't provide the same kind of ego stroking, so they look for it elsewhere. It's complex, but also simple. But honestly, he's the one who needs to figure that out for himself. It's not up to you to help him find answers to why he hurt you and betrayed you. He could have talked to you about his feelings, about how his relationship with her was becoming inappropriate... but he didn't. He chose his own selfish, hurtful path, and now he needs to deal with it.

Sending you strength xx

Buster123 posted 7/27/2020 10:41 AM

You absolutely did the right thing, there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to work with here while he's still in an ACTIVE A, make it real for him, file for D and have him served at work, and EXPOSE the A with ALL family and close friends without warning, remember D takes a long time and can be stopped or delayed at any time before it's final if he comes around and ends his A for good and commits to full transparency with verifiable NC and to do the heavy lifting to restore the M he destroyed, if D papers and full exposure don't shock him back to reality, nothing will.

sisoon posted 7/27/2020 10:52 AM

I, too, think you did the right thing.

I would bet that your H is stuck because he's unwilling to resolve his own issues. I would bet that he entered his A as a way of pushing those issues away, without considering the fact that an A would add even more issues to deal with.

Until he's willing to resolve his issues, he can't be a good partner. As stated above, there's nothing to work with here. Getting your space is a great thing you've done for yourself.

ChamomileTea posted 7/27/2020 12:31 PM

If she is soooo special, why was he following me around for months, and refusing to leave?(other than to be a cake eater)

You've answered your own question. He's a cake-eater. Spend some time really delving into what that means though. It's not about you and it's not even about the OW. It's about having TWO women falling all over themselves to "win" his own grand self. It's about centrality and proving to himself that he's just so goddam important. It's about triangulation and how the risk improves the excitement. We want to look at our WS and believe that we KNOW them. But we don't, because we didn't see that shit coming, did we?

You've been stuck in this view of him you developed long ago. But clearly, he's not that guy. He's the guy you're just beginning to see today. His actions show you who he really is... and what they tell you more clearly than anything else is that he doesn't RESPECT you. If he did, he couldn't have done any of this.

Good for you that you've finally taken action. Kudos!

Merti posted 7/27/2020 13:34 PM

Thank you all.
I first had to go through this horrible trauma for months. I had to calm myself down again and again because I was thrown into this endless, dark pit unannounced. He just stood there like a wall and watched me. Even a wall might possibly have some emotions compared to him. But still, I was the only one who had to do something about it. He didnít even have the courage to act this or that way. He did all this without shame, and I had to clean up the mess.
Your comments help me a lot, thank you.

Bor9455 posted 7/27/2020 16:41 PM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:06 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

WaryOptimist posted 7/27/2020 17:42 PM

I don't post often, but felt I should write to say that I sooo admire you, and wish I had had your decisiveness and backbone.

You are most definitely on the right path. Keep putting your feet down (HARD!), one in front of the other.

annb posted 7/27/2020 17:49 PM

Kudos to you, Merti.

Your husband is a cake eater, on D-day my WH dropped OW like a hot potato. Had he not done that, more than likely he would have found all his crap on the front lawn.

You found your self-respect, and you absolutely did the right thing. There's no R if the WS is still actively in the affair.

I believe with time, you will find yourself less stressed with him gone.

Hugs to you.

The1stWife posted 7/27/2020 19:29 PM

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Bravo!

If he runs to the OW - well you know it would have happened anyway or the A would have continued.

If he tries to come home he will know you arenít playing around and he will need to earn back your respect.

Either way you just restored your power in your Relationship.

SilverStar posted 7/28/2020 10:31 AM

You did the right thing.

You do not have to live in the trauma of infidelity, so when he did not end the A, you ended your relationship with him. Easy math.

I did the pick me dance and coddled my stupid WH. You can see by my signature line that the result was an underground A, false reconciliation and multiple Ddays. I just kept catching him. So I took myself out of the triangle, told WH that he and AP were the couple now, and I was OUT.

My WH and his AP didn't actually know or like one another, and they didn't want to be "real" boy and girl friends. They wanted to have AN AFFAIR. So sometimes the BS leaving the triangle can be effective for R because the blinders come off for the cheaters, and they want to fix what they broke. But even if the cheaters are happy to be together, you aren't in infidelity anymore. So you can't lose: you either get a remorseful spouse, or you get to lose a cheater and live in the light.

See a lawyer and learn about your options and his responsibilities.

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