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Anger and Frustration

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TheFallen posted 7/24/2020 09:53 AM

The last week or two I've been dealing with so much frustration and I've taken it out on my wife on occasion. If we are having a discussion and it ends up going in a different way than I expected it to or if I end up saying something I'll regret, I will storm off, sometimes yelling, sometimes slamming things.

I don't like doing this, as it triggers her from childhood trauma. But I'm just getting so angry with everything in my life. I don't know if it's just a part of my withdrawal from a medication I've started wean off of. I don't know if it's just my low stress tolerance. But I know that I just wish I had my wife.

Obviously I don't blame her. I can't expect her to bear the pain of betrayal and then be there to support me. And I'm never actually angry with her. I just feel like a wreck and that I can't hold on to anything to save my life. But this keeps me in my selfish and narcissistic mentality.

I can hear myself in my head, writing this post, I hear the whining. But I am tired of being pushed around by everyone else in my life. My parents. My co-workers. Strangers.
The only person I feel any sense of calm around is my wife. And so as an abuser, of course she becomes the target of my anger.

I try really hard to just walk away when I'm upset. But that can lead her to feel abandoned. Especially if she's come to me with something she needs.

I'm not mad at her. I don't feel any anger or violent thoughts towards her. I feel horrible for my betrayal, but I don't feel upset with her.

I probably just need to find a good therapist. I feel like a damn time-bomb. I feel like I want to explode on everything else around me.
I want the love of my wife back. And I'm angry at myself for standing in my own way.

Damn it, I feel so damn crazy. Nothing feels right. This post doesn't feel right. Everything is wrong. I'm wrong. How can I be right?

MrCleanSlate posted 7/24/2020 10:31 AM


The number one step is recognizing you have a problem. In this case your anger and frustration.

There is a lot of reasons why you may be lashing out. And it seems you are starting to understand that laying more verbal abuse on your BW is not helpful or right. That is a big step.

Here is what you need to do - call your doctor or go see him in person. Tell him what is going on. You may need to get some meds, or you may need a referral to go see a psychiatrist or other mental health pro, or even an anger management specialist.

You need to figure out why you are struggling so.

TheFallen posted 7/24/2020 10:45 AM

@MrCleanSlate Yes. I think I need to find a talk therapist. I have a psychiatrist who has me on different medications. But I'm trying to get off one at the moment that has historically blunted my emotions. This is most likely why I'm struggling. I've been on this medication for 10+ years. I was tired of not caring about anything anymore, and my wife had been pointing out multiple times that I should get off the medication.

Anger management might be a good route to take in attacking this though. I just feel like my head is a chaotic swell right now.

MrCleanSlate posted 7/24/2020 11:02 AM


As I am sure you know, going off certain meds may affect you not only with withdrawal type symptoms but will change your moods/feeling overall.

You need to get you med balances checked by a psychiatrist if you are trying to wean off a med. If you are on Lithium your levels could go all out of whack.

Check yourself in at emerg if you need to.

gmc94 posted 7/24/2020 11:31 AM

Fallen - have you gotten involved in S-Anon or another program for sex addiction?

TheFallen posted 7/24/2020 14:40 PM

Yes. I am in SA. My wife is in an anon program for partners as well. She's been doing a wonderful job. I'm the one who keeps falling backwards.

I'm at work right now and I just can't focus. I'm not mad. I'm just upset. I'm thinking it's probably the medication reduction. Because I feel like I just don't care.

JBWD posted 7/24/2020 20:54 PM

A powerful tool you can start with on your own- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT.)

Teaches you to understand where we let emotions run away and get in front of what we can discern to be true by thinking, even for a split second.

A great book on the topic is ďFeeling GoodĒ by David Burns. It has a lot of workbook segments that you can complete on your own.

This goes well with regular meditation as well, where you donít BLOCK thoughts but allow them to come and go, acknowledging that they ARE but not that they ARE TRUE. Gets you in the habit of defusing self-affirming narratives.

TheFallen posted 7/25/2020 12:10 PM

@JBWD Interestingly, that book you suggested, I have a photo of it from when my wife found it in a thrift store. She wanted me to take a picture so she could remember to look it up at a later date, for herself. But I'm the one who definitely needs the resources.

CBT is something I've constantly talked about and thought about. I had a small therapy program I was a part of where they were planning to use CBT, but I ended up missing a lot of their telemeetings, so I was removed from the program. My wife was really upset about that because I was given some really great resources that I ignored.

JBWD posted 7/25/2020 13:15 PM

Why did you miss those meetings?

You can buy the book on Amazon and get a good start without meetings at all- Thatís whatís good about CBT. It trains you to self-observe and ID the moments where you deceive yourself.

TheFallen posted 7/26/2020 11:48 AM

@JBWD I wasn't managing my time and schedule to make those meetings a priority. So I wasn't making my recovery and my wife a priority.

I've made things even worse over the past few days. I'm completely stonewalling when it comes to talking about the relationship. My wife is so incredibly traumatized right now and SHE's the one who is trying to be strong in all of this. All she asks of me is that I act like a man. Instead, I've been breaking down and crying. I'm making myself physically sick (which, boo hoo, because I gave my wife an autoimmune disorder from traumatizing her) and I'm just being a total idiot.

I've been in this cycle for years. I know what to do. I do it for a little while. I act like I care. Then things get a little better. I stop.

I do want this marriage to work. And I know I'm the only person who's stopping it from working. My wife is planning to leave me. I'm desperately trying to figure out how to just get myself together and STOP acting like I'm a moron who doesn't know what to do.

It's literally put one foot in front of the other and just move. Just do. And I scream at myself to just DO SOMETHING. But I stand there. And I let her cry herself to sleep. And I can't look at the horrible things I did to this woman who was so fucking amazing and a perfect partner. All because I couldn't stop touching my dick and lying about it.

My life is in pieces and I'm the one that smashed it.

Carissima posted 7/26/2020 13:08 PM

No stop sign.
As a BS I find your posts frustrating because you say a lot but you don't really do anything. You say you recognise behaviours and what you need to do to counteract them, but again don't do anything.
If it's frustrating reading your posts I can't imagine what it's like actually living with the behaviour.
Tomorrow's Monday, everywhere is open, although resources maybe limited given the present circumstances - there is nothing preventing you from reaching out and taking that first step. If it's money then find out what free resources are available to you.
Just stop making excuses and do it.
Stop abusing and terrorising your wife today.

JBWD posted 7/26/2020 13:17 PM

So I wasn't making my recovery and my wife a priority.

Agreed. BUT, your recovery needs to come first before you can turn to trying to help your BW. Iíll be honest, I in many ways HAD to lose my M to turn to face what was wrong in my mind. Your BW leaving may be what you both need- A break from the fear, uncertainty and inconsistency for her; and for you an opportunity to confront yourself without referencing your BWís reaction.

I know thatís scary but we need to learn to understand our fears, and ďturn on the lights.Ē In my opinion youíre not going to do that as long as you hesitate at the light switch because it might wake up your BW. To continue the metaphor, remember that even if she appears to be sleeping, her mind is not letting her rest. So go ahead and give yourself permission to face what you need to.

All she asks of me is that I act like a man. Instead, I've been breaking down and crying.

Letís not treat these like theyíre mutually exclusive. Men cry.

But youíre crying because of what YOU are losing. If your frustrations are coming from other spheres, I imagine youíre blaming folks in those spheres. Take your pain and march. Figure out why youíre frustrated. Face it. Heal it. Iím guessing you will someday have to do that without your BW- We canít live without being alone, and you have to be prepared for it, no matter when it comes.

TheFallen posted 7/26/2020 15:04 PM

I keep retyping this post. About what I want. About how I don't want her gone.

But again, I'm thinking about me. Not her. She doesn't want to be gone either. She's just trying to do what she can to survive.

[This message edited by TheFallen at 3:06 PM, July 26th (Sunday)]

Lalagirl posted 7/26/2020 16:07 PM

She's just trying to do what she can to survive.

As well she should.

In the meantime, let go of the outcome of the M - you work on you to become a better man because you want to be one. Perhaps once she sees that you are truly doing the work she will reconsider her decision to D you.

I honestly think her being away from you for now is best - it's an opportunity for her to heal and for you to get the help you need.

LadyG posted 7/26/2020 17:22 PM

Your post could have been written by my WH.

I chose to leave, this was supposed to be a trial separation to sort out whether we actually wanted to try R. I had no idea that he was in the middle of another A. So he was just lying to me again.

As soon as I moved out, he wanted me back in the home. I have been the one reliable person heís ever had in his life. He missed that part of me. He became very frustrated when I resisted reconciliation and lashed out at me and wanted to just forget about the past. He also ran every time I became upset.

He told me that he wanted to hug me and hold me and tell me that everything was going to be ok. But he couldnít commit to that. He could never tell me that he will never ever betray me again. He didnít think he had to say those words to me. It would have been another lie anyway.

I will never trust him again and he has never shown me a reason to trust him.

Itís great that you are seeking help. This may just save your marriage if thatís the end goal.

Zugzwang posted 7/30/2020 12:45 PM

Especially if she's come to me with something she needs.
What are you mad about? What gets you angry and upset? Is it a failing to solve her problems? Then bring on some type of shame? Is the root really pain and feeling lack of self worth? You really need to dig deeper than just upset and angry? Why are you choosing to shut down and problem solve with anger?

On another note, what are you doing to fill your own bucket up in a healthy way? To build up some pride and self esteem? To blow off stress? That doesn't involve sex. A hobby? Some physical work?

I wasn't managing my time and schedule to make those meetings a priority. So I wasn't making my recovery and my wife a priority.
Your wife will never be enough for the priority of change. No offense. If she was, you never would have cheated. When are you going to just be disgusted with who you have become to want to be someone different. You wanting it for yourself is where the true change happens and comes from. You need to get there. You make your recovery seem to only matter in order to keep the marriage and your wife. Not for yourself becoming someone you can be proud of.
And I can't look at the horrible things I did to this woman
Why? If you can't do that, then you really aren't seeing yourself and accepting who you chose to become. There will never be change till you are willing to do that and no longer run from the truths.

What I suggest, find a healthy outlet to blow of steam and build up some pride. Then, start sitting with yourself and really looking at who you are instead of running. As you do it, tell her and discuss it with her.

JBWD posted 7/30/2020 15:06 PM

When are you going to just be disgusted with who you have become to want to be someone different.

Zugzwang is always the perfect punctuation on this!
He did the same for me over a year ago.

Up until this point happens youíre going to be ďsurprisedĒ after the fact. And that shows, more than anything, a willingness to let yourself off the hook; to ďnot have the timeĒ for meaningful things that nurture you. Likely because it has involves dropping the mask and seeing who you really are. But as long as you lie to yourself about the mask, youíre going to have the same frustrations.

wantstorepair posted 8/2/2020 20:18 PM

Your post hits right where it hurts. I am the same way, still, with the same frustration and anger and petulance. And itís not AT her, but it gets taken out on her. itís an adult tantrum that my narcissistic self is not in control of sidestepping the consequences of my actions, and my BW, like yours I think, and her pain and trauma is the complete manifestation and result of all of your shitty behaviors, choices and failure to be a good man.

I find myself getting so frustrated and angry that we canít have a conversation, or deal with the very real problems that need solutions in the present, without my cheating abusive actions coming up and twisting the conversation off the rails. I get mad and take it out on her, and it is absolutely ridiculous and selfish that I act this way at her. I clearly want the past rug swept and to move on, and that couldnít be more minimizing and cruel to the reality of the pain that she feels right now, NOT in the past. So every time I try to turn my back on the past, because I canít change what I did and just want to move forward, I am actually turning my back on HER and her ongoing pain. And that is the running she is always telling me I am doing; running away from the reality of the consequences of my actions, and running away from her. So as I tell her I want to be with her and help her and care for her and make up to her, it is all just more lies to her ears. The reality is I canít do anything like that for her while I am still unwilling to face her, the one who is paying the true price for my selfish actions.

I see it, and it sounds like you do too, but we keep reverting back to wanting the unrealistic easy button and for her pain to go away so we donít have to face it and thereby donít have to face ourselves. Well it is happening because I am still running; Her pain is going to go away, but only because she is taking it with her when she goes.

Very much appreciate everyoneís advice on this thread to help TheFallen, and those of us like him, who still arenít getting it.

Thissucks5678 posted 8/2/2020 22:38 PM

Iíve been in MC for awhile now and the first thing our MC teaches is that our four primary emotional states and to try and know where you are all at all times. Those states are sad, mad, glad and fear. He also tells us that generally anger is a secondary emotion and and when you are angry you are usually angry at a person not just a situation.

So maybe you can try and to unravel exactly what emotion you are feeling. Are you angry or are you scared and lashing out? If you are angry, who are you angry with? Are you angry with yourself? Are you angry with your BS? Are you scared that your whole life could change because of whatever you have done to your BS? Dig into that. Write it out, and acknowledge it. Tell your BS how you are feeling scared (if you are), tell her if you are angry that your choices have made you angry at yourself for putting you in this situation and tell if you are angry that she is not healing fast enough. That may be an unreasonable expectation - I do not know your timeline - but if you do not articulate the thoughts, they do not disappear. She is still free to tell you that you have unreasonable expectations, but at least you both will have communicated and expressed what you are feeling.

I donít know, I am not a therapist. I do know that whenever my WH and I left our MC sessions after getting out our true emotions and unraveling how we were feeling we were both in much better places. To me, itís all about better communication and really understanding why we are behaving the way we are.

Notmine posted 8/3/2020 12:37 PM

You wanting it for yourself is where the true change happens and comes from. You need to get there. You make your recovery seem to only matter in order to keep the marriage and your wife. Not for yourself becoming someone you can be proud of.

I also noticed that you seem to make your recovery about keeping your wife and marriage. Nope. You need to do this for YOU. The reason you are not prioritizing your recovery is because you have not surrendered (this is the first of the 12 steps) and become truly willing to do whatever it takes to live a life of sobriety. You cannot do this for anyone else or it will not stick. If you commit to a program of recovery, and focus on that, things will get better. Living in shame is not a good place for addicts. Shame becomes ameliorated by sharing your experience, strength and hope with another addict, by doing the next right thing and by living a life you can be proud of.

I agree with other posters that a separation from your wife might be the best for both of you. It will allow her some peace of mind and will allow you the opportunity to focus on your recovery. You need to learn the tools that a 12 step program will offer you to help you with with your turbulent emotions, cravings, etc.. I cannot encourage you enough to go to as many meetings as you can and LISTEN. Find a sponsor to help you. It also sounds like you need a therapist. Start TODAY.

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