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Meth and hookups

Rosebud604 posted 7/19/2020 23:03 PM

*Trigger Warning*
I feel like a delicate butterfly caught in a wicked wind storm. My relationship of 3 years is on the rocks because of my partners drug issues (Meth) and unhealthy sexual behaviours. After the sudden and unexplained loss of my sister (October 2019) and my miscarriage (February 2020) and just before my disabled and terminally ill mother passed (March 2020), I discovered my man was living a public, private and secret life.
Before I miscarried in February I had a dream that he cheated on me. I felt like it was a premonition of sort, so I just went with it and started checking out our smart devices, phones and tablets. To my surprise things started to come to surface. Turns out heís had multiple social media accounts, email accounts, Craigslist accounts and multiple dating site accounts. Finding these small tidbits were just the tip of the iceberg. I kept digging and also found adds he placed online by himself and with other women (or possibly with JUST one woman in particular, but It sure as heck ainít me.) seeking intimate encounters with couples and groups. In the adds my man mentions that him and this other woman are willing to pay or willing to BE paid or make/do trades for cash and drugs in exchange for intimate encounters.

I dug some more and came across a video that he recorded while high on his DOC, low and behold, the other woman that heís been placing adds with is the main star of the video.
I thought my biggest discovery was just going to be the video of him and her both high, being intimate together. And I put it in the back of my mind to TRY and deal with my grief over all my losses of which, for the record I am NOW in therapy for.
Once again I had another dream, I followed my instinct and had to watch the video ONE MORE TIME, except THIS TIME I slowed it right down and I zoomed in, as my dream told me to do, I have come to discover that the other woman is wearing a strap on AND there are AT LEAST 2 other people in the room with my man and her.
My mind is blown and Iíve been beside myself in the fetal position in shock and turmoil since.
Iíve brought ALL of my discoveries and the evidence that Iíve uncovered to my mans attention and told him all of what I know (So far) and heís made SOME admissions but A LOT of bold faced, half truth denials.
For instance he told me it was just a one time thing, I knew it obviously wasnít. As his online trail proves MUCH differently. Heís been with this one particular woman multiple times over the 3 years weíve been together, and I do not doubt heís been with countless others, while Iíve invested everything in to our relationship. In fact the woman he made the video with ACTUALLY posted HER OWN address in many of the online adds. The big kicker is, she lives JUST ONE BLOCK from MY HOUSE. Iíve thought about going there and knocking on the door to see what happens, Iím just so curious to hear what she would have to say. I know for a fact that she has always known about me, I actually met her when I first met my man 3 years ago and I NOW realize HE LIED to me and told me she was a homeless chick (woman) he knew that got disowned by her family because she came out of the closet at a young age and had some struggles with drugs and mental health issues. I thought his insistence in wanting her to spend the night was innocent and him just being a kind and compassionate human being, man was I mistaken. It only took THREE years for me to piece THAT together, only AFTER seeing the video of him and HER. And now, like any person in my position I question EVERY single aspect of our entire relationship.Trying to sort thru it all with a magnifying glass and a fine tooth comb. Itís NOT easy to just walk away and never look back, not at least with out trying to reconcile. I wasnít raised to just walk away and not look back when things get tough. In regards to any chance of reconciliation Iíve told my man to TRY and imagine himself in MY position and to convey what he his expectations of ME if I ever did the things heís done to me. His constant response is, I would expect you to tell me your sorry and to just promise to never do (Xyz) again. His response, his lack of willingness and awareness in regards to the magnitude of events is not only a cowardly cop out but insulting to my intelligence and sanity and wellbeing. I donít believe a ďIím sorry and I promise to never to it (her) again, just will not suffice. I very kindly took the time and went of my way to make a few suggestions as to what I would do if I were in his shoes, with little action on his part.
I told my man that itís only fair to our relationship if we stay together to make sure that he puts an absolute end to everything and anyone that is an issue in our relationship or that doesnít bring anything positive in to our lives, together and separately. I believe itís absolutely fair to ask him to contact this one particular women directly and simply make his choice, HER or US (him & I and our future)
I really donít think Iím asking for much when Iíve told him that I want to truly see how far he has really taken things and want full access to ALL of his accounts with NO restrictions.
Typing ALL of this has been very draining and overwhelming. I really HAVE TO take a break and rest my heart and soul. Please forgive me, I will be back. Big hugs and lotsa ❤️

ibonnie posted 7/19/2020 23:25 PM

I don't have any experience with infidelity + meth, but you're unfortunately not alone.

Check out HeHadADoubleLife's post:

I think you'll be able to relate and also might be able to get some advice from the comments on that thread.

Rosebud604 posted 7/20/2020 00:18 AM

Thank you so much for the helpful reply Ibonnie. Iíve read what you recommend and WOW. My jaw is on the floor. This is just SO MUCH to grasp and process. Iím trying my best, in small doses. Hugs

HeHadADoubleLife posted 7/20/2020 07:28 AM

Hi Rosebud!

I don't have a ton of time to respond right now as I'm actually leaving for a flight in about 45 minutes, but I wanted to respond to you ASAP.

ibonnie pointed you my way because yes, I've dealt with my ex husband and discovery of meth.

I only discovered the use after I left him, though many, many of the signs were there, I just didn't know how to read them at the time. It sounds like you knew about his drug abuse, but didn't know about the covert sexual behaviors? I pretty much lived the opposite, in that I was oblivious to the drug use, but discovered all sorts of fun sexual paraphernalia and activity along the way, so I may be able to help answer some questions surrounding that. Or was this a dual discovery of both the drug abuse and the illicit sexual activity?

Either way, if you have any questions at all, please feel free to ask. I can't promise I'll have all the answers, but I've done a LOT of research into meth use since I left, mostly to help my (step) daughters in processing everything that we discovered. There is a strong correlation between high risk sex and meth use.

You are absolutely right, his inability to grasp the magnitude of this speaks volumes. Honestly, honey, I usually don't recommend a particular path one way or the other, but after what you've written here, I would say run, far and fast. I know that will probably fall on deaf ears... I knew my husband was a sex addict when we were dating, and I still married him, so trust me, I get it. I thought we could work through it, I thought we loved each other enough to figure it out - I was very wrong.

I'm going to give you a few action items:
1. First and foremost, go get tested! I know it might feel embarrassing, but don't delay on this! I brought my mom with me who held my hand while I cried the whole time. But it was absolutely necessary. I luckily came back clean, but I'm at about 1 year and 8 months out from my DDay, and I've been tested 3 times in that period, even though I am completely abstinent, just because I want to be absolutely sure that nothing is lurking.

When you go, make sure you ask for a FULL panel. It seems nutty, but a lot of times they'll only test for a couple of things. You don't have to go into great detail, but I let them know that I found out my husband was having high risk sex, and that I needed a test for EVERYTHING! I literally listed out all of the things I wanted to be tested for so there would be no confusion!

Do NOT have sex with him again until he has also gone and gotten a full panel and shown you the negative results!

2. Drink water!! Seriously. You're going to be dehydrated from crying so much.

3. Eat something! Even if it is just a protein shake. I had a really tough time with eating for months afterward. I would throw up anything I ate. So I basically had to eat super plain, boring food in really small bits at a time.

4. Keep digging. I guarantee you'll find more. Particularly with sex addicts (which, btw, it sounds like your boyfriend might be - he should get evaluated by a CSAT to determine that, but there are also online quizzes you can take, and I can say based on the info you gave that he would check most of the boxes). I thought everything I found out in the immediate aftermath of DDay was a lot... what I found out when I went digging was a LOT more. If you need advice on what things to look out for, I'm sure I can help with that.

5. Keep all info you find in a safe place where he can't get to it and destroy it! Screenshots of everything!! This will help you maintain your sanity when your brain is in rumination mode trying to put the pieces together, trying to figure out how you didn't see it before etc. You will think about this more than you ever thought possible. It's likely you will exhibit PTSD symptoms. It sucks, but know it is "normal," or at least par for the course.

I will be in the airport for most of the day today, but I will try to check back as soon as I can!

Please breathe, and know that you will get through this!

[This message edited by HeHadADoubleLife at 9:06 AM, July 20th (Monday)]

HellFire posted 7/20/2020 09:07 AM

Gently, it doesn't matter if not giving up is how you were raised. There are some situations,it is absolutely ok to walk away from. If you could tell your parents what he's been doing,and how he has repeatedly put your fertility, your very life, at risk, for the entire three years. I'd guarantee you they would tell you to run.

You need a full panel of std tests immediately.

You've been with him 3 years. You're not married. Dating is an audition for marriage. He's failed spectacularly.

You shouldn't have to kindly tell him what you need. He should be doing his own research, to find out how to deal with the aftermath. He clearly isn't doing any of the work needed.

He is an addict. You can not save him. He must save himself. No amount of you wanting him to change, or you doing the work to find things he should do,will help. He has to want it. And then he has to do the work. And keep doing that work,for the rest of his life.

He is toxic . This is who he is. The man you thought he was doesn't exist. He may never have existed. It may have been an act he put on,to get you,and now his mask has slipped.

Cooley2here posted 7/20/2020 11:57 AM

I saw a man interviewed who finally kicked meth. He said the drug is so powerful he would have killed his own parents to get money for it. His warning was that you put your health, your life, in danger if you stay around meth heads. You need to leave asap.

Cooley2here posted 7/20/2020 11:57 AM


[This message edited by Cooley2here at 11:59 AM, July 20th (Monday)]

Cooley2here posted 7/20/2020 11:58 AM


[This message edited by Cooley2here at 11:59 AM, July 20th (Monday)]

Hurtmyheart posted 7/20/2020 12:24 PM

Rosebud, staying with an addict will cost you a lot more than you realize... it's not worth it. I wish I had listened when others told me the same thing.

Set him free and take this time to get help for yourself.

betsy62 posted 7/20/2020 21:22 PM

My adult DD is a recovering Meth addict.
It is a vicious drug to stay clean from.
Meth and heroin are the two drugs, that once addicted, the body will always crave.
No matter how long it has been since they used, the body wants it.
When my DD goes to the doctor, and they bring a needle anywhere near her, she says her body goes into anticipation mode. She is waiting for the high that the needle will bring.
He has a long road ahead, just in regards to staying clean from the Meth. He has to want to stay clean. And, be willing to do the work.
IMO....he has to deal with the drugs before you two can work on anything about the relationship.
You can't have any kind of healthy relationship with a Meth addict.....parental, employer, spouse, etc....
I hope he decides to get help. Remember, you can't save him. You can save yourself though. And, that might mean walking away.
I am going to tell you what one my DD's therapists told me, on one of her stays at rehab. It was meant toward a parent, so I am going to change one word. He said to me.....
"Don't let your boyfriend's choices destroy your life."

Buster123 posted 7/20/2020 21:56 PM

Meth addict + cheater and liar + very high risk for STDs = RUN !!! as fast as you can and don't look back.

The1stWife posted 7/20/2020 22:00 PM

Donít be stubborn b/c you think you should not walk away from a bad situation.

It takes maturity and courage to save yourself first. Because if you Believe you can or will change him, you need to understand the addiction cycle whether itís drugs or sex or food or gambling.

Quitting with your sanity intact and still financially stable is a gift you give yourself.

Rockeater posted 7/21/2020 11:39 AM

The Internet if full of literature on methamphetamine addiction. Really scary stuff. It will wreck addicts' lives. It metastistizes and takes down those around them. Meth addicts are dangerous to you, your acquaintances, your family, your coworkers, your neighbors.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 7/27/2020 13:34 PM

Hey Rosebud. Just checking in on you.

I know it is hard to hear such harsh words about the person you love. But we really all do mean well.

How are you holding up?

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