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New Betrayed Husband

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Newlifeisgreat posted 8/5/2020 17:59 PM

How did the meeting with the lawyer go?

I know it is tough.
Hang in there
Continue to be strong

I promise it gets better

Buffer posted 8/5/2020 18:29 PM

Fair cop brother, she called him about Jenny. Was shopping to keep all options in the table. Well there was hopium on her part that POS could be plan B.

As advised, please ease up on the hard 180, be firm but fair towards STBX and listen to the children. Be there for them regardless of their age. File when ready. No need to tell her in advance about your knowledge of her phone call. But when served tell her you had some hope but her fence sitting and that 22 minuet phone call, pushed you over the edge to D.
Try to keep the home and business, due to her continuing to communicate with her AP.

This is not on you, understandable that it hurts, but you like a Phoenix will rise a better person. STBX has lost the most, her self respect and that of her children plus the church.
If she ends up with POS her children will not accept him. So don't let that stress you out. She will be ok, lonely with him but ok.
One day at a time, respect ✊
Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 9:08 PM, August 5th (Wednesday)]

rambler posted 8/5/2020 21:54 PM

Your wife has the power until you file. She is the only one who knows the truth. You may be able leverage the Jenny information and get closure.


Please ask your attorney about the recording as it is illegal in your state.

Stillbleeding7 posted 8/6/2020 01:20 AM

AH I can't sleep as I am empathizeing with you. I know you are hurting I feel it to. I'm new here but my story is over thirty years old. Your story has stirred up in me feelings that had subsided. But before you do what part of me wants (D), let me say something that not everyone will understand. I get that your WW has hurt you and nothing you did or didn't do say or didn't say caused it. But something did. She is not the full Evil one that has done this. Yes she is responsible for the A, for going through with it. But if you believe that there is a God then I hope you know there is a devil. Your wife didn't just take control of her life and crash, she like Eve gave her self over to the devil and he crashed your life. Now I get that even being around her is excruciating pain. Even after more than 30 years we went to a pastor and his wife anivarsery big celebration (I didn't want to go because I was afraid HE would be there) my wife would not hear of not going. So she said she could go by her self. Well that's not happening. So we went. Yes HE was there,faced with that I went up to him and shook his hand. I was not going to hide from him. Now the year of triggering I hurt from has hurt more than my mouther dieing during this same time. Your wife can never restore to you what they (she and the Devil) have taken from you But God can heal your heart and mind. If you do D you will walk from your vows. Yes her vows are already broken but yours are not. She doesn't deserve your forgiveness. She will never deserve your forgiveness. But we do not deserve His forgiveness. My love for my wife when I am hurting causes me to view my wife with eyes that see her as the one I need to protect from the Evil and Devil. Now your wife at this point in time still doesn't look like she can be given the gift of R. Tell her what she is asking from you is to live with the pain that hurts more than having your mouther die and it doesn't stop fully ever. If you can't give time and maybe The,know this you didn't fail. You are just a man. I pray God wisdom on you.

DictumVeritas posted 8/6/2020 01:43 AM

StillBleeding, your pain is palpable in your post. I am so sorry you are still subject to such mental torture after all this time.

AH, God does not require you to keep your vows to an adulterous wife, divorcing her now will not be breaking your vows as she has already made them null and void. You are not required to protect her anymore.

Human decency costs nothing, for that reason I am not suggesting you annihilate her, but you owe her nothing further.

I too have been thinking about you as your wife's actions, post D-day, so closely matches what I went through with my ex-wife, but I have only the occasional flash of anger maybe once in every two years when something triggers a vivid memory as far as she is concerned.

There is no reason to chain yourself to pain.

Please stay strong and look after yourself.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 2:07 AM, August 6th (Thursday)]

squid posted 8/6/2020 02:39 AM

Wow, what a godsend the OBS is.

It is comforting having your suspicions confirmed and knowing exactly what you are dealing with. It will make the D process feel more empowering. You are removing this cancer from your life.

Yes, it is painful having to end such a significant part of your life. But there is life on the other side, far away from the chaos you are experiencing now.

Now, more than ever, HARD 180 her. NC as much as possible. Now that she knows you are serious about D, she's going to be making extreme overtures to try and sway you. Keep what she did to you at the forefront of your mind. Keep seeing her for who she is.

You will get through this.

[This message edited by squid at 2:42 AM, August 6th, 2020 (Thursday)]

DoinBettr posted 8/6/2020 08:38 AM

I am glad this last bit of information helped you get a clear path. She clearly is still in contact with the AP even though she claims she isn't.
When you file she will plead with you to stop.
She will also plead to understand why.
Just mention that she lied and was still in contact with the AP. Every book and this site talks about how WS have to cut all contact with their cheating partner. She should resign to that.
If you want to turn the tables with her focused on something else, mention you have confirmation he was/is also sleeping with some girl named Jenny. It is turn about for all her lying and removes him as a plan B.
Good luck and stay strong.

thatbpguy posted 8/6/2020 09:20 AM

I am glad this last bit of information helped you get a clear path. She clearly is still in contact with the AP even though she claims she isn't.
When you file she will plead with you to stop.
She will also plead to understand why.
Just mention that she lied and was still in contact with the AP. Every book and this site talks about how WS have to cut all contact with their cheating partner. She should resign to that.
If you want to turn the tables with her focused on something else, mention you have confirmation he was/is also sleeping with some girl named Jenny. It is turn about for all her lying and removes him as a plan B.
Good luck and stay strong.

Ahguy's wife is grieving for the loss of a relationship that meant more to her then her husband, marriage, family and children. She has lost (or is losing) the man who brought unbridled joy, sexuality and all her inner cruelties to life. And she will cherish that all the rest of her life. Her sorrow is for being found out and for what she is losing.

Yes, there is a God and he is real. But there are things that are simply too much for a human to bare.

cheatstroke posted 8/6/2020 09:51 AM

Yes, there is a God and he is real.

Yep, she handed it all over to Jesus and she's about to find out that sometimes, He hands it back.

gingerbreadman posted 8/6/2020 10:07 AM

AHGUY, I just wanted to post strength to you brother! I am recently divorced and also reside in Maryland (Eastern shore). I was separated for two years, and divorce final 6/24th. I just want to let you know that this process may appear scary initially, but it gets MUCH better over time. I became extremely co-dependent over time and lost myself, but now I am at so much peace. No looking over my shoulders waiting for the next shoe to drop. Stay strong! You're doing fine!

Thumos posted 8/6/2020 10:11 AM

Just mention that she lied and was still in contact with the AP.

Although putting it that way makes it sound like this one thing is the cause. It’s not. It’s everything.

Six years of neglecting her marriage and family bc of her flawed internal mechanisms and false narratives she told herself.

Two years of cuckolding her husband and trading her sexuality to another man to negotiate the fantasy luxury lifestyle she believed herself entitled to.

Willfully humiliating and gaslighting her husband and joking about it at his expense.

Showing raw unadulterated (get it - ha ha) contempt for him.

Wallowing In her materialism and selfish “needs.”

Trying to bully him into swallowing his pain and deploying his own church community as a psy-op against him.

Trying to paper over one of the gravest sins mankind is capable of with her facile bromides and puerile platitudes.

All while continuing to test the waters in what she has hoped was her plan A to divorce and leave plan B (AH)

And lies upon lies upon lies piled up to heaven in a rotting mass.

That’s why he’s getting divorced from an abusive, entitled selfish creature.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:18 AM, August 6th (Thursday)]

Thumos posted 8/6/2020 10:26 AM

If you do D you will walk from your vows. Yes her vows are already broken but yours are not.

This is bunk. You are not breaking your vows by divorcing her. She shattered the vows and they are torn asunder. Gone. She already unilaterally divorced you. The divorce you are carrying out is merely a paper formality.

Jesus was explicit in saying that no human is expected to bear the burden of adulterous sin by a spouse — and that God specifically provided divorce in an imperfect world so that humans would have a clear mechanism for being free of a spouse who could not keep their end of the covenant contract.

thatbpguy posted 8/6/2020 10:29 AM

Yep, she handed it all over to Jesus and she's about to find out that sometimes, He hands it back.

How true, how true. In the end, with God or not, we have to live with the consequences of what we do while on this earth.

BigMammaJamma posted 8/6/2020 10:48 AM

The devil did not make her do it. She made a conscious decision to betray you over and over again. Blaming it on the devil is absolutely ridiculous, as Christianity teaches that God gave us free will. You don't go get to just up and blame the devil every time you fuck up.

steadychevy posted 8/6/2020 11:51 AM

BigMammaJamma: Correct. Free will.

Biblically divorce is allowed for the reason of adultery. Adultery is mentioned many, many times in the Bible because it is such a heinous act. The Bible doesn't say you must divorce but that you have the right.

Dismayed2012 posted 8/6/2020 11:54 AM

Supporting you AH. I was where you are. Even with all the pain, I was holding out a slight glimmer of hope for R until I actually saw and heard the rest of the story. That's when my head kicked in and I contacted a lawyer. You have a great life ahead of you. Take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

rugswept posted 8/6/2020 11:57 AM

What Thumos said @ Posted: 11:11 AM, August 6th (Thursday), 2020

That list is the truth and completely verified.

I don't think there is a marriage that can survive such an impressive list of violations.
Any two from that list would justify liquidating the M.

It was an egregious violation of her vows, of her virtue, her family, her church and most of all her husband.

Is R impossible? No. But total D must come first.

As a matter of justice it had to be D.

I survived a really bad LTA back in "the old days", way before the internet. The worst emasculation was the time I paced the floor at our home on Christmas Eve Day, wondering where she was. Her car was there and she was gone. Never happens. I'm thinking she's "out there". Suddenly a Yellow Cab pulls up the curb, 10 feet from the house, and she gets out the back seat. She had just come back from giving her hot boy "his special christmas present".

Much later, after I put it all together, the AP was the guy driving the cab.

I had to swallow a lot in my case.

[This message edited by rugswept at 12:03 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 8/6/2020 12:08 PM

What Thumos and BigMammaJamma said. Thumos' list is accurate and convicting. And it only takes one partner to break the marriage covenant. Again, you are the prize. Take care of yourself.

Westway posted 8/6/2020 12:17 PM

The devil did not make her do it. She made a conscious decision to betray you over and over again. Blaming it on the devil is absolutely ridiculous, as Christianity teaches that God gave us free will. You don't go get to just up and blame the devil every time you fuck up.

Back when I was young and trying to get myself reformed and straightened out, a wise man who was like a mentor to me said something to the effect of "The Devil gets blamed for a lot of things he didn't do. You know, the Devil isn't omnipotent like God: he can't be everywhere at once making everyone sin. He's just a punk ex-angel going around causing mischief. No, human beings are way worse than the devil. Humans are the most evil creatures in existence. No human needs the Devil to make them sin. We can sin just fine on our own without his help. So any time you hear 'The devil made me do it', well that person is lying through his teeth."

And this guy wasn't a Catholic or a Protestant or any kind of theologian, and yet that nugget of wisdom stuck with me to this day.

Thumos posted 8/6/2020 12:22 PM

Biblically divorce is allowed for the reason of adultery. Adultery is mentioned many, many times in the Bible because it is such a heinous act. The Bible doesn't say you must divorce but that you have the right.

And really it goes even further. Jesus taught that because of the fallen condition of the world, divorce was not only right in cases of adultery,, but as Calvin stated God “did not lay down a law about divorces, so as to give them the seal of his approbation, but as the wickedness of men could not be restrained in any other way, he applied what was the most admissible remedy.”

Divorce after adultery is a form of God’s Grace for the broken-hearted.

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