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New Betrayed Husband

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GoldenR posted 7/19/2020 08:42 AM

Damn, brother...that whole fixing the heater so they could have sex after you leave, that is literally the worst I have ever read anywhere. I am so very sorry that you're dealing with that shit replaying in your mind. We've all been there so we can all empathize.

Butforthegrace posted 7/19/2020 09:07 AM

left me a letter 2 days ago apologizing and that she didn't mean to disrespect me

She's a smart, accomplished woman. She's in sales, meaning that she must manage her communications with people carefully, and choose her words.

I say that because she did in fact intend to disrespect you. She's lying now when she says otherwise. Unless and until she owns that, the marriage is done.

Michigan posted 7/19/2020 09:08 AM


despite all this I found myself unable to stop loving her after 28 years

AHGuy

You still love the woman you thought she was. She may have even been that woman for many of those 28 years but she isn’t now. There is no reason to love this new woman.

Michigan posted 7/19/2020 09:11 AM

she doesn't want divorce, and wants a second chance but she told everyone that I would never forgive her because of how tough I usually am

AHGuy

IMO the following is why she doesn’t want a divorce:

everyone around her is against her. my daughter isn't talking to her and it complicated her relationship too, my 2 sons are shocked. they all told her they do not want anything to with her boyfriend. that kinda shook her ground.

AHGuy

She may not value her relationship with you but she does value it with the rest of the family (and I would assume her church). Getting back with you is the best way to repair those relationships.

You’re like a unique priest that can absolve her of her sins.

Think about it. If people see you two together getting along as if nothing happened how can any of them complain? You forgave her so why can’t they? God and her husband forgave her so it’s all good.

IMO that is her primary motivation to not divorce.

I know of a case where this couple had a son that played football. The wife had an affair, married her AP and soon had a baby with him. When she went to her son’s football game she wanted her ex husband to sit in the stands with her, her new husband and baby.

When he refused she was quite upset. By sitting apart he was calling out what she did to the community. By sitting with her as one happy family it would show everyone that what she did must not have been all that bad after all. All of her detractors would be muzzled by the actions of the ex husband..


[This message edited by Michigan at 9:13 AM, July 19th (Sunday)]

squid posted 7/19/2020 10:10 AM

AH,

TO QUOTE: copy and paste the phrase you want to quote into the message box. Right-click to highlight the phrase, then press the [" "] button just above the message box.

Your WW is doing all of the classic behaviors of the typical unremorseful wayward. All of her tears and apologies are all about her . As others have said, this is only regret for being caught and for having her upright image being completely smeared. She is merely trying to save face. She doesn't care about how she completely gutted you. The fact that she says her affair wasn't meant to disrespect you shows how little she cares about you.

You need to have it clear in your head that this is who she really is. I know you think you still love her. There is a lot of cognitive dissonance when trying to reconcile what you thought of a person versus who you are actually seeing post JFO. But when your heart finally catches up with your head, you will know what to do.

I hope the fishing is good where you are. It's a bit crap where I am.

[This message edited by squid at 12:50 PM, July 19th, 2020 (Sunday)]

Thumos posted 7/19/2020 10:23 AM

wish I can help myself stopping the feeling of being emasculated and humiliated.

It is perfectly natural to feel this way. The feeling of emasculation is there, but the actual reality of being emasculated is not. Your wife did this, not you. She betrayed you. You weren’t a willing participant. You didn’t even have the option of putting up a fight or objecting.

This would be like someone coldcocking a man randomly on the street and then everyone saying the man was weak and unable to defend himself. How would he have been able to do anything about someone ambushing him? It doesn’t make him weak! In fact as he goes about physical rehab and rebuilds himself, it shows how strong he is. The weak one, the coward, was the person who ambushed him.

And that’s your wife.

You can’t wish it away or talk it away, this feeling, but you can offer yourself the kind of perspective people like ChamomileTea have provided.

I think the feeling of emasculation is physical and probably has something to do with the male secretion of vasopressin when pair bonding. But like all things physical it can be overcome.

Organic2003 posted 7/19/2020 10:42 AM

AH

I hope the fishing is great! So glad you have some amazing friends.

Winston Churchill was reported to have been at a dinner party. The conversation was about how much money it would take for a women to sleep with another man. One women said she would do it for 1 million. Winston asked her if she would sleep with him for 1 dollar. Her response was "Who do you think I am" Winston responded "that has been determined, now we are negotiating the price".

Cheating is emasculating and abuse, so to find out about her laughing is not a huge surprise, but she really made a big fool of herself not you. It took me years to realize I was a prize not my ex who let three men in hotel room literally laugh at me on a hotel phone. She was the fool who took an employee of mine into a local bar bathroom with two other employees knowing what was happening.

Cheating is all on her and she is the foolish looking person in this not you.

It seems all cheaters find a way to say and do things that stick with us forever. I hope she finds true remorse for the pain she has caused you.

I hope you had a great day and enjoyed the fishing.

Kaliber posted 7/19/2020 11:32 AM

Her: It was a quick fix and he’s charging you ass $500
Him: he deserved $5 millions for bringing you to me ( laughing emoji
Her: lol, he does he is a good tech.
Him: he is good husband too he made sure his wife will be warm and cozy when I make love to her the right way
Her : laughing emojis

Dude, I don't think I can recover from this!

[This message edited by Kaliber at 12:37 PM, July 19th (Sunday)]

ChamomileTea posted 7/19/2020 11:33 AM

They intended to humiliate me with all the disrespectful acts But somehow one incident that happened last November is killing me more. The house where she fucks him is about 2 hours away, apparently they went there and the heat wasn’t working so they couldn’t do it, I know my wife very well she won’t get undressed unless it very worn she is always cold blooded. The next day she made go fix the heat, I normally do not go that far for business but she insisted saying that this guy in his wife are an important client of ours plus money isn’t an issue and That I could charge extra fees. She went with me there in my work truck and I made me do it because he wanted to humiliate me. He wanted me to do it because he could’ve hire someone else from that town. So we went there and it was an easy fix did it in less 5 minutes . So she told me I could leave by myself so I won’t be wasting any more time and they would ride with either her colleague who was showing a house in that town too. The stupid me believed her. I realized after reading the messages that she texted him to let him know the heat was fixed and that I left he he responded with be there in 15 minutes so obviously he was in the same town waiting. The texting continued on
Her: It was a quick fix and he’s charging you ass $500
Him: he deserved $5 millions for bringing you to me ( laughing emoji
Her: lol, he does he is a good tech.
Him: he is good husband too he made sure his wife will be warm and cozy when I make love to her the right way
Her : laughing emojis

Yes, that kind of humiliation is typical... and damaging. My WH and his AP said horrible things about me. Their "jokes" were hateful and I read many of them when I got into his email. But it still had nothing to do with me, same as your WW's had nothing to do with you, even though we are the butt of the joke, as it were.

This is all part and parcel with the rush cheaters get out of the illicit affair. We aren't real people to them at that point... we're obstacles, same as parents to unruly teens. And their behavior is just about as mature. It's tough talk while "Mom" or "Dad" is out of earshot, designed to make them feel strong and superior.

Now, don't get me wrong... I'm not saying these things to defend your WW's behavior. Her behavior is indefensible. But it's important that you understand that even while she and her AP were engaged in that behavior, it's still not about you. It's about the cheap, little thrill the cheaters get out of doing something horrible, no different than vandalizing on a dare.

The fact that your WW said/did these provocative things doesn't differentiate her from any other garden-variety cheater. Your prospects for R or D remain dependent upon whether she's willing to do the difficult work of repairing her broken character. Do bear in mind though that real and lasting change is a rare thing. Not every cheater can accomplish it, no matter how remorseful they may be. It demands painfully humbling introspection, during which they will feel the humiliation they perpetrated against others. Many cheaters will fail, and often it will be years before this failure is observed by the BS attempting R.

Your choices, however, remain. Your cheater is not significantly better or worse than any other. None is owed a second chance. That's your gift to give or withhold as you see fit. And this is the one time in a person's life when it's completely okay to be wholly focused on your own needs. It doesn't matter what anyone else wants, because the next phase of healing is taking ownership of your choices. Mercilessly selfish is a good thing in this instance.

VinST posted 7/19/2020 11:42 AM

Why does she want to be with you when she was willing to emasculate you with the a stunt like that.
It must be the worst form of disrespect I have EVER seen.

I am without words... and... to cap it off... she was a loving devoted church goer. I am beyond upset for you.

Get out... you would never live with this thought if you stayed with her. A husband protects his wife's honor... and so should a wife do the same for her husband.
She threw you under the bus mate.. just when something better came along. In fact she laughed about it while you were getting run over! Time to give her want she secretly wants! Dont even wait I say!

The1stWife posted 7/19/2020 11:48 AM

In plain language you will understand. Your wife may have been a catch. Now she’s a catch and release.

Seeing the email exchange for you to fix the heat is appalling and I would be furious with her!! And I agree I’m not sure it’s something I could recover from either.

Her AP is going to turn on her someday - you can tell just what kind of person he is from that text exchange.

There is cheating and then there is cheating with evil people. Your Wife and her “friend” are evil. You have seen the real her.

fareast posted 7/19/2020 12:10 PM

I second ChamomileTeas thoughts. Your WW is a cliched mid-life WS, pursuing an A for excitement and ego kibbles. Very typical. Nothing special. Its no excuse. Millions go through mid life and never cheat. The hurtful humiliation is so juvenile and part and parcel of the facade. You decide what your needs are. Be totally selfish. You decide whether this is a dealbreaker. Good luck.

Stinger posted 7/19/2020 12:24 PM

The advice to wait,say, 6 months, is somewhat trite, oft repeated with little analysis.

In your case, IMO, it will be virtually impossible to get past this. That incident you describe where they used you and mocked you ( and it probably is not the only time. Probably part of their repertoire to enhance the excitement) will eat at you forever. I had something similar happen.

Many BS know it is a dealbreaker right away but are afraid to act. If this is you, get going on divorce. 6 months is not going to change a thing. We all have limited time. Do not waste it.

And, FWIW, your wife sucks. Glad your kids stuck by you.

ShutterHappy posted 7/19/2020 12:35 PM

I'm not rushing to any decision yet my buddy who recommended this site suggested 6 months I'm giving it till the end of this damn 2020

Some people here will say “wait X months before taking any decisions”. I don’t agree with this. Take a decision when you’re ready, whenever that might be. You don’t have to suffer 6 months if you made up your mind.

Your WW cheating, it was HER DECISION. Nothing to do with you. Each time she went to that mountain house? Her decision. When she humiliated you by getting you to fix their love nest? She meant to disrespect you. Her decision, her choice; it wasn’t a mistake. Now she minimizing, lying and gas lighting you, to save her ass.

Waywards minimize, lie a lot, gas light (“we are separating, he already knows about the affair”). WWs cry a lot too, they cry for themselves, they cry for their lost fantasies, they cry because their BF dumped them. they cry because it’s kryptonite to BH. But your WW doesn’t cry for the hurt she is causing you or your children.
Your WW got dumped by her BF, and she’s at risk of getting dumped by her husband. So she cries, for herself.

Like the1stwife said, I wouldn’t be able to recover from that story at the mountain house. I had an humiliating experience with the OM too, I still remember it 20 years later.

The most important part is for you to get out of infidelity. You can attempt R with a remorseful WW (if she becomes remorseful) or Simply D and move on. The choice is yours, as long as you focus on what is the best outcome for you.

Edit: sounds like Stinger beat me to it!

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 12:41 PM, July 19th (Sunday)]

goalong posted 7/19/2020 12:43 PM

Does she have any anger towards OM now that he quite right away on Dday? You need to accept your WW's mentality/values. She was dreaming of the business suit caliber trendy life style and was easily taken away by OM's empty promises. She was on the exit highway with no empathy to you. If you R you need to make sure she change how she look at life.

Kaliber posted 7/19/2020 12:49 PM

fareast:
I second ChamomileTeas thoughts. Your WW is a cliched mid-life WS, pursuing an A for excitement and ego kibbles. Very typical. Nothing special.

Sorry, I disagree, this is not typical, this is not normal cheating.. using her husband to fix the heater so they can have sex.. and mocking him.. this is.. just.. so evil!

He is her husband for 25 years!!

So EVIL for a 25 years wife who is devout christian, God loving, Church going, morally conservative, and adultery hating and the mother of his children!

I could NEVER recover from this... EVER!!

Stinger: That incident you describe where they used you and mocked you ( and it probably is not the only time.

Yes, I believe that, and that's what I wrote in my first reply (page 1):

kaliber:
You caught her only on this one, but was this her only affair? are you sure?!!
You now know what she is capable of, the boundaries she crossed, taking naked pictures in his bed (very experienced if you ask me!)
That leads to: in the 25 years marriage was this the only time she strayed?!!
If you dig deeper, I wonder what you might uncover!
A Polygraph can help with that!

AHGuy those texts are not normal from a first time cheater, I don't believe it's her first time, I wouldn't be surprised if she had many affairs that lasted for years!!

First or even second time cheaters usually swim in a fantasy and romantic world, they don't fall to this evil level, they don't want their betrayed spouse (BS) been mentioned so the guilt doesn't spoil the fantasy and the fun, they try to forget the BS and live in the affair moment without spoilers, but THIS is way to much for first timers, this is a different level, this usually comes from someone who has way to much experience in the affair and adultery world, they reach a level where they try to cuckold their spouse (without the poor spouse even known) for the extra fun and the thrill!

Buddy, I don't think you want to face this realty, but you must, I would dig deeper, and I would polygraph the hell out of her. You need to know if those 25 years was not a total LIE!

I would go as far as DNA testing the kids!

[This message edited by Kaliber at 1:40 PM, July 19th (Sunday)]

MrBreeze posted 7/19/2020 12:53 PM

Damn, brother...that whole fixing the heater so they could have sex after you leave, that is literally the worst I have ever read anywhere. I am so very sorry that you're dealing with that shit replaying in your mind. We've all been there so we can all empathize.

This! Reconciliation would be a bridge way too far for me.

beenthereinco posted 7/19/2020 13:15 PM

but she told everyone that I would never forgive her because of how tough I usually am

This is a subtle way of putting the failure of the marriage off onto you and your inability to forgive and away from what she did. She could have worded this differently if she wanted to accept the blame but she doesn't. A remorseful person would say something like

"What I did was so horrible I don't think AHG should ever forgive me"

She's not that sorry and still trying to protect herself.

Booyah posted 7/19/2020 13:39 PM

I agree with Michigan.

The only reason she doesn't want a divorce is your daughter and two sons don't want anything to do with her.

ChamomileTea posted 7/19/2020 13:41 PM

First or even second time cheaters usually swim in a fantasy and romantic world, they don't fall to this evil level, they don't want their betrayed husband (BH) been mentioned so the guilt doesn't spoil the fantasy and the fun, they try to forget the BH and live in the affair moment without spoilers, but THIS is way to much for first timers, this is a different level, this usually comes from someone who has way to much experience in the affair and adultery world, they reach a level where they try to cuckold their spouse (without the poor spouse even known) for the extra fun and the thrill!

I'd be very interested to hear your research on that as it's very much different from what I've experienced personally and what I've read in therapy books and on pages like this one. I've studied infidelity closely for about 15 years now. That's private study, of course, but I've never seen anything to suggest that first or second timers are somehow more respectful of their BSs.

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