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This is where we're at

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Tigersrule77 posted 7/27/2020 07:15 AM

At this point we have nothing else to discuss so there is no reason for us to be in touch now for quite some time

Wrong. There is nothing to discuss. Period. Hire an attorney and protect yourself as much as you can. Let her communication be through her attorney. She has made her decision very clear. You need to listen and accept it. YOU cannot fix the M by yourself. Your WW is out.

DoinBettr posted 7/27/2020 09:41 AM

wedding ring is still on

You are still looking backwards in your life. You need to look ahead.
You can always regret the past. It is knowing the future is coming that helps us wake up everyday.
Take off your ring.
Then go for a walk or bike ride. I know UK is fairly locked down still, but I think you get 1 hour outdoors for exercise.
You are currently focused on how much of your EXWW to leave in your life. First see what this new life looks like, then prune away the ex as much as needed.
I had 1 friend who after the divorce moved hundreds of miles away. I know another who just got a haircut and new car.
It is different for each person, but once you start, you find where your new life begins.
You should see the excitement. You get to take the next step in your life. Celebrate it!

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 9:42 AM, July 27th (Monday)]

susielee posted 7/27/2020 11:06 AM

I don't know, maybe the laws are different where you are, or maybe men don't worry as much about it as I did.

There is no way I would have just stayed married with no legal separation protecting me when my ex was pulling his crap. I had to protect myself from him making financial decisions that I was responsible for. In my state once the temporary separation was approved, our finances going forward were legally separated.

He had already conned me into taking out a loan for a river property, telling me it was for our retirement and to enjoy with our son and future grandchildren. All the while he and schmoopie were planning his exit within the year.

Luckily his azz was in such a bind, personally and at work, he took on all our debt rather than have a nasty contested divorce with me showing proof of him using lots of our assets for his affair, and lying to me to get me to make decisions based on lies.

I would get a legal separation at the very least, if that is how it works where you are.

susielee posted 7/27/2020 11:17 AM

I just realized maybe because of the lock down that is impossible right now. I hope not.

Good luck and as all these folks said, you are a young man, and you are the prize.

I was 40 when my ex pulled his stuff. It took a year for our divorce to become final. Once I had stopped communication with him and told him he had to talk through my lawyer, my life started to get better fast.

When he called after our first attempt at R, (which was horrible) and asked to try again, (he tired 3 more times that I remember) I said no, on the last attempt, I did meet him for lunch to talk. He gave his pitch and I said sorry you stayed at the fair too long, and I just don't have any interest anymore. It was an amazing feeling to wish him well, then walk out of that restaurant.

MrBeansMini posted 7/28/2020 06:06 AM

Just to add something on the divorce side where things stand in the UK.

You see to think that you need to be separated for two years before divorce can commence. This is only one of the five reasons for UK divorce. Even once the two years is up, divorce has to be with mutual agreement so you could still be left stuck, and divorce proceedings would still take about 6 months depending upon agreeing the finances.

There are other grounds for divorce where the ball can be got rolling immediately. You can also divorce for adultery, which would not be straightforward, requiring proof or an admission. The more likely available avenue is divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. The definition of what is unreasonable is deliberately vague, and very mundane things have been used. It does create a adversarial setup, with one party accusing the other of something, and the other admitting or denying it. Co-habiting with OM would seem pretty unreasonable and would be relatively simple to prove once it occurred.

(Otherwise, if one partner lives separately for five years, they can be divorced without their agreement. The final one is abandonment, which also allow for a no-contest divorce)

One thing to remember with both filing on the grounds of adultery or unreasonable behaviour is a six month time limit, which once passed without action, creates an assumption of forgiveness.

The legal profession keeps mentioning the bringing in of no-fault divorce, but it's unlikely in a time-frame that would affect you.


It would benefit you greatly to consult with a family law solicitor to discuss your situation and options moving forward. For one thing, a legal separation might benefit you both, disentangling your finances, and protecting each of you from any financial mis-deeds by the other during this period of limbo. Costs a few hundred , plus any legal costs, which you may be able to persuade WW to split with you as it may help you both.

You may also want to look at the ownership model of your home. See joint-property-ownership at the gov.uk website.

Most couple where both are on the mortgage are "joint tenants". If one of you dies, the other gets your share regardless of any will (which many people don't have anyway), which may be a factor if you are going to be separated for some time. You may wish to switch to being "tenants in common" so any share can be passed to children instead. Costs nothing except some solicitor time. You would still own 50% each.

It's very unlikely, but if you die before divorce, your WW inherits the property, marries OM as she's free to do so, dies some years later and OM inherits the property leaving your children with nothing.

Kaliber posted 7/28/2020 09:45 AM

I told her I was ready to work on our marriage but of course would not do that with the OM on the scene

... but it feels like more of a distant hope that if things are going to change its not going to be for sometime (perhaps if the relationship with the OM fails).

This is a bad sign, and shows that your are struggling with self-esteem issues, you need to get back your self respect and boundaries.

Willingly allowing your self to be "Plan B" or a "Backup Plan" for a someone who betrayed you, cheated on you says a lot about what your're going through.

You need IC and you need it fast, you need to find you self and figure out your self worth.

You need to get angry and value your self more!

Good luck mate!

[This message edited by Kaliber at 9:47 AM, July 28th (Tuesday)]

J0ck posted 7/28/2020 10:33 AM

Defo what mr beans says---SEE A SOLICITOR NOW.

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