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Drowning in pain

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Notmine posted 7/19/2020 08:01 AM

Also proof of what debts have been paid (which shows on our joint account which he has access to)

Do not respond to this if he has access to it. He does not get to ask you to be his secretary. Tell him he can look at the statement.


He still wants us to be amicable but fears I dont want to be.

Of course he does! That would require him to take some accountability for his fucked up choices. It would also require him to pay spousal and child support. He wants to continue to live in unicorn land, without any consequences. Why would you be amicable? STOP being nice. STOP doing anything for him. He doesn't get to choose what HE wants from the house. If you need it, he can F off. He can make a list, email it and make an appointment to come to collect. Delete any text that does not have to do with the children or finances. The more you detach, the more you will see how he is manipulating you for his own gain. As another poster has said....be very businesslike. No emotions where he can see them. He needs to understand that you are not a doormat and begin to respect you or he will continue to try and control you.

Take your time to think about what YOU want and what is best for you and your boys. Inform their father that they do not have to meet her until they are ready. THEIR feelings come before hers. PERIOD. You have no court order, so if they feel like they do not want to see him, OR her, that is their choice. They can write a letter with their counselor so they do not have to tell him in person. Make sure you document all of his inappropriate bullshit with the children, so you have it if you need it.

I understand what you say about divorce, but he has left the marriage. You might want to move on to someone who actually deserves you. You deserve freedom from this ass and his whore. He needs to give you what you are due and you need to start to stand up to him and his "wants". What is the understanding with regards to bills? If he os not paying his share, the court will help with that. He needs a little reality injected into his fantasy land.

Stand up and stay strong, for your kids if not for yourself. Find some sort of counseling for trauma. This is a huge trauma.

susielee posted 7/19/2020 09:32 AM

"He still wants us to be amicable but fears I dont want to be."


That is the most infuriating and likely very common thing to deal with in the case of a cheater.

Translated: I lied, manipulated, stole from, and gaslighted you, but now that we all are on the same page, lets be friends, no need to be nasty.

Oh and in my cheaters case, "can we use the same lawyer" you know so, my lawyer and I can screw you into poverty.

I hate cheaters/loathsome SoBs.

Needtosurvive posted 7/22/2020 10:44 AM

Going stir crazy today, feeling lonely and hurting. Hasnít been a bad week but really feeling down. Iím actually jealous reading posts about WS that stick around. How bad is that, I just feel so insignificant and worthless that he would rather her.
Ií know I deserve better. I just want to feel happy again

KatieKat posted 7/22/2020 11:01 AM

See. A. Lawyer!! Or three. You owe this to your children. If you love him: File For Divorce. Please please see that this will HELP!! We all are rooting for you! ❤️❤️❤️

KatieKat posted 7/22/2020 11:01 AM

See. A. Lawyer!! Or three. You owe this to your children. If you love him: File For Divorce. Please please see that this will HELP!! We all are rooting for you! ❤️❤️❤️

Needtosurvive posted 7/22/2020 11:06 AM

I know I need to, just havenít got the strength.

Ginny posted 7/22/2020 11:18 AM

Yes you do have the strength. Your future YOU needs you to have that strength. Start making moves today. Make a call to a lawyer to protect that future you. Thatís all you have to do today. Make that appointment. You need an advocate for you and your children.

You will not regret making that one move today.

Tomorrow, you can make another move, then the next day you can do one thing, and so on and so on. Just do the NEXT right thing. Youíve got this. Take the advice of those that have gone through this before you. We only have your best interests in mind. Gently, your WH no longer has your best interests or those of your children in mind. You need to make these kind of moves to protect your children. Come on, Mama Bear, You can do this!

FlowerPower posted 7/23/2020 20:44 PM

Need to Survive,

You DO need to survive and thrive for yourself and those precious boys ~ and YOU WILL survive & thrive, but only if you take charge of your situation. You can't let him make any more decisions about your family's future. He has proven that he makes terrible, unethical and selfish decisions for his own benefit ~ not for you & your boys.

This is not the time to wallow in indecision. You ARE enough & You are able and potentially a powerful woman. One day at a time:

Get a full panel of STD tests & talk to your doctor about possible depression.
Get your own checking & savings account without him on either. Move money from your joint account if you need that to start the account.
Tell your families and closest friends what is going on. Let him own his choices.
Rely on those friends and family for support. You have nothing to be ashamed of. His affair is TOTALLY on him ~ he is the ass here.
Make appointments with at least two attorneys to seek guidance and advice. Google divorce laws in your state/locale.
Use the time when he has the boys to do something for yourself or to tackle this list.
Take a walk.
Gather your financial info and papers. Know your family income, savings and your joint debt. Track down current rate, balance, payment info about your mortgage or know all about the terms of your rental.
Understand your medical coverage and the premiums paid. Is it through his employer? Are you employed outside of the home?
Know if you have life insurance on him, you or your mortgage. Have these things summarized for your attorney visits.
Be with and do fun things with your boys. Watch a movie, play video games. Camp out in the yard.

His affair and poor choices are not about your looks, your personality, your housekeeping, your weight, your mothering, your seriousness, your "busy-ness, " your cooking, or anything else pertaining to you. He is the broken one. Don't let him break you any more.

Every action you take will move you one step toward power & strength. He will be surprised by your decisiveness and you don't have to explain anything to him. Just keep moving forward with action to get you out of infidelity.

I am so very sorry for your pain. You seem like a very kind woman who has always put your husband and sons first. No more girlfriend! As they say on an airplane, "Put your own Oxygen mask on first before you help others."

You can do this and we are cheering for you! You will survive and thrive as long as you keep moving out of infidelity.


Needtosurvive posted 7/24/2020 02:17 AM

Get a full panel of STD tests & talk to your doctor about possible depression.
Get your own checking & savings account without him on either. Move money from your joint account if you need that to start the account.
Tell your families and closest friends what is going on. Let him own his choices.
Rely on those friends and family for support

Ive done the STI check all good thank god, sorted finances and got new account. I always manged finances anyway so this was one of the first things I did. On d-day when he was packing I took half what was in joint account. I have told everyone and am very lucky to have an amazing support system. I keep trying to tell myself the only thing I have lost is him, he has lost everything.I dont need to worry about medical insurance as in the UK.I do work (have a good career)always have, I managed everything and it still wasn't enough
His affair and poor choices are not about your looks, your personality, your housekeeping, your weight, your mothering, your seriousness, your "busy-ness, " your cooking, or anything else pertaining to you. He is the broken one. Don't let him break you any more
.
I try to think its not about me but the AP has a moustache and hairy toes so how bad am I that he would rather that.
Im trying to move forward its just the whole divorce thing I struggling with. Im scared about it getting worse and he will fight for the kids. I dont want to lose any more time with them. I think he will fight for that especially when they are ready to meet HER.
I hat that he is so bloody happy after what he has done. He even told the boys that he has met her kids and they have stayed with them. Hes nastiness and bullying hurt all I did was love him and I will advocate for our boys. The OW Husband checks in on me and is nicer than either of them have been.He told me that she is not speaking to him as he has met someone else.
I am trying to do everything that I am meant to do, any will try anything to get this pain to go.

Buffer posted 7/24/2020 02:39 AM

As what KittyKat said
Buffer

Needtosurvive posted 7/24/2020 02:47 AM

I know, it makes me want to cry though. I want to x

Happenedtome2 posted 7/24/2020 03:02 AM

Sorry to see you here.

See. A. Lawyer. Once you choose one, they can use the law to slow WH's roll. You need to protect yourself, your kids and your finances. Don't let any feelings get in the way of that. You HAVE TO be protected. It is hard to think that way but you need to.

A lawyer will be able to tell you your rights as far as what WH can do and who can (and cannot) be there when he has the kids. He only wants to be amicable so you (and your soon to be lawyer) don't wreck his little utopian fantasy. Did I mention protecting yourself?
Sorry to keep hammering that home, but when his little fantasy crashes and burns (and it will) he is going to turn to plan b and start calling you. It's all fun for him right now but reality is gonna kick in.

You are doing great in an awful situation. Believe me. We have all been there, have all made good and bad decisions once it happened, and have or are on the road to recovery. It gets better. Focus your energy on the kids and when they aren't with you focus it on you. Not the 2 homewreckers.

Ginny posted 7/25/2020 19:00 PM

Wow! Pat yourself on the back for all of the great moves you HAVE made! You are much farther along than I was at this point. Good for you.

Now, what is the next step you feel strong enough to make? You are stronger than you think!

Needtosurvive posted 7/31/2020 16:34 PM

In my room earlier and the youngest knock the door saying mum what time is football on tomorrow (I know he on phone to his Dad) so I shout back itís on the WhatsApp group (the only group his Dad hasnít left that weíre both part of).. my youngest then says Iím not on WhatsApp. I come out my room and tell him itís 9:30 to 10:30. He then goes and tells his Dad who says great I will collect u at 10:45 that will give u enough time to get back.
Iím livid his hours are 10 till 7. I go and speak to our son saying that it is not his job to arrange times his only job is to have fun itís up to the adult to arrange everything else.. Ge had a little cry and I told him his dads hours are 10 to 7 and no matter what his doing nothing has changed!!
How dare he put our son in the middle of arrangements I should not be discussing this with our 10 yr old they have already lost their innocence of childhood due to him and his POSOW.
So hurt

Needtosurvive posted 8/3/2020 02:05 AM

Im not sure if anyone is reading this but after my update on Friday. Well he didn't turn up at 10 on Saturday so at 10:38 I sent him a message telling him that he will not be seeing them as he didn't turn up on time. He replied with as they were at football he will be collecting them at 10.45. I told him he cannot be making arrangements with a 10 year old. We got in a big argument, him telling me he want nothing to do with me (really hurts. He turned up at 11.10. I did not let them go, the youngest was upset but I tried to explain why he couldn't go. It was so hard. Feel really bruised. I need to file, I think its going to get nasty, Im scared

Ginny posted 8/3/2020 04:00 AM

Iím sorry. That had to be so hard to go through.

There is a divorce forum here that might be helpful to follow. The members there can definitely help you wade through separation, custody and visitation issues, etc. Listen to your lawyerís advice first and foremost!

You are going through such a hard part right now, but you will slowly but surely get through this!

FlowerPower posted 8/5/2020 21:07 PM

NTS, How are you doing today? You had a bad experience trying to stick up for yourself while feeling like your 10 year old was stuck in the middle.

He yells at you? Says he wants nothing to do with you?

Ok, let him deal with your attorney.

Every exchange with him regarding the kids and finances is not going to go smoothly, but don't give him an inch. Be form and stay your course. Sometimes when we stand up for ourselves we feel guilty, because we are people pleasers. My favorite line is, "I'm sorry you feel that way." It applies to most everything that comes out of his mouth. You can just repeat that while he is saying all the terrible things.

I am so sorry that this is going on during such a stressful time with Covid, back to school concerns, etc.

Let us know how you are doing. We care.

Blindsided2425 posted 8/6/2020 01:26 AM

I'M STILL ALIVE and I am thriving.
Thatís the mantra you need to be saying over and over.
He will always be a POS, you however will come out stronger and will be a amazing role model for your children.
Itís said over and over and is a cliche, but time really does help. Keep strong, keep your chin up and hold your head up high, there is a strength resolve you donít realize within you, one step at time. Your kids will talk about you in the years to come as if you were some sort of legend. 👍👍👍👍

Justsomeguy posted 8/8/2020 10:27 AM

Journaling really helped me get through the worst of it. I also re-read my old entries to see just how far I have come in the three years I've been on this journey. Many say not to do this, bit for me it helps given the non linear nature of healing. It also helps when I start to forget what a feckless asshole my STBXWW was and continues to be.

Needtosurvive posted 8/10/2020 02:10 AM

Its gone well this week he has been turning up on time. There has been NC with him and me till he text last night after he had dropped boys home. The text was "Just to inform you I have to work away most of next week and wont be able to have the boys on Thursday, they are aware"
So I replied "Just to inform you I have plans Thursday, so please amend your work schedule to fit around your children"
Im still waking up every morning feeling like Ive been kicked in the stomach, I still feel so hurt and sad and so lonely. I have alot of support but its not stopping this pain. Its too much. He cant even communicate with me like Im human. There is no respect or even courtesy.
This feels neverending

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