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Wife cheated and got pregnant during lockdown

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Tiredhusband posted 7/2/2020 14:55 PM

My wife and I have been in Coronavirus lockdown for a few months now. She's being going out pretty much once a week to spend time with a work colleague. I told her how bad this was that she's risking the law and others to spend time with him. She's been getting closer over the last months and I warned her to be careful. She said I was just being ridiculous and jealous and absolutely nothing was going on.

A couple of days ago we were in the pharmacy and she picked up a pregnancy test. I asked what that was for, as we've not made love for over a month (we've been struggling for a while). She said 'oh yeah' and just put it back.

She woke up this morning crying saying, I've got something to tell you. I slept with someone else and I'm pregnant. Her colleague.

We have been trying to have kids for 6 years. The doctors said it would only happen if she lost weight, and has very few eggs left. She did lose a little weight and as her fucking luck would have it, the prick gets her pregnant. Perhaps an off chance, or I don't know why. We had intensive IVF a year ago with no results.

She attempted suicide at in Feb and when she came to, the first name she asked for was the OM. That broke my heart at the time. But she fobbed that off, I took car of her made sure she's ok. Visiting her hospital every day for a month with mental health, then physical health issues before she was let home where I continued to treat with care.

Once things settled after that, we were trying to get back to 'normal' life in lockdown. It's been hard and we've not been making love as often as usual. Mostly because she smokes dope every single night. But i could hear her talking to her colleagues and saying she needed to get out the house and was going crazy.

She says it only happened once and totally didn't mean anything. She's getting rid of the baby - not even sure if she'll tell the other dude (I think she should). She's asking me to forgive her and give her one more chance. But frankly - she said this happened a month ago, and has been over to see this guy 4 times since.

All-the-while saying I was just being jealous and nothing could be farther from happening with this guy.

I just don't know what to say or do. She says it means nothing and was a stupid mistake. What kills me is if it had been us making love that night, we could have been celebrating getting pregnant ourselves. And this has just fucked me over and it's the complete, fucking, life changing opposite to that. I just can't see how this is forgivable. Further, she threatened suicide already today it an attempt to stop me leaving.

I just feel embarrassed, completely disrespected and, to be honest, a total pathetic loser for it getting to this stage.

Any advice is appreciated

Evermore posted 7/2/2020 15:05 PM

You deserve better than this.

Don’t let the idea that you would have conceived had she been with you that night. There can be no other scenario than the one you are in, but I understand the desire to escape reality even with hurtful thoughts.

She needs IC badly. You need to take care of yourself, when I includes not letting the threats of suicide control your actions. The next time she does that, call for the appropriate emergency response.

Have you been able to find ways to take care of yourself? It is ok to be selfish and focus on your needs and h although.

Justsomeguy posted 7/2/2020 15:44 PM

I am so sorry for the shit sandwich your WW has served you. I would send it back to the kitchen. People are going to give you great advice here, and it will be tough to follow at first. Once you begin to process things more, it will get a little easier.

I am going to call bullshit on the "we only had sex once and I just happened to get pregnant even though we've been trying for a long time and I have very few eggs left" excuse. This is just a variation on only admitting to what is demonstrably provable, the pregnancy. If you suddenly found evidence of a second sexual encounter, the proof! She will suddenly remember that there was a second time, and so on and so on... This is the script.

You are at the beginning of a long process and your feelings will run the gambit. Yes, you wanted a child. You still can with another, faithful woman. She will still get to have her dream of a child as well. Do you really want to raise another man's child? You must really take time to consider this. Dont rush. You decide the timeline, not her.

Tiredhusband posted 7/2/2020 15:58 PM

Thanks both.

I just want to add - no way was I considering raising another man's child. That's theirs and they can do what they like with it.

I just mention the last-eggs, because it adds even more shit to what could have been a morning celebrating a lockdown baby, but turned out the complete opposite worst shit.

I also didn't say, we fucked the day after, and so now I need to get all checked out.

It just feels mega-shit the care I've given her, and as soon as she's on the mend, she fucks of with another guy.

I'm 42 now. I know I'll miss her, so don't know if there's even a chance of reconciliation.

I guess the step tomorrow is to call a lawyer.

[This message edited by Tiredhusband at 4:00 PM, July 2nd (Thursday)]

KingofNothing posted 7/2/2020 16:06 PM

Man, that is a hard read, TH. I feel terrible for you. What does your heart tell you? I think you know already, but it doesn't hurt to ask.

Marriages are built on love, trust and mutual respect. Can you honestly say she has displayed any of these traits in your marriage? I'd have a hard time characterizing her actions as loving you-- people in love, married couples in love.. don't do this to each other. You can't say she's been trustworthy, she betrayed you and destroyed your marriage. And you certainly can't say she respected you-- quite the opposite, really. This isn't the behavior of someone that loves and respects her partner. It's the behavior of someone who holds another person in utter contempt. It's time to take the blinders off. There may be a woman out there that belongs on a pedestal. I have yet to meet one (and to be fair, a man, either). I can tell you your wife doesn't belong there. Stand up for yourself. Stop mourning the past and look forward to a future where you really don't need people like her to be happy any more.

She sounds like she's checked out. Still, you are the man on the spot for this. You should at least clear the air. Inform her you won't raise another man's child, at the very least. Sound her out where this marriage could possibly go from here. It's important to at least give her views on the subject an airing. If she leans in the "Can't we just forget this ever happened?" camp, then I can put on my Nostradamus hat and predict any reconciliation will fail. Rug-sweeping (as we call it) means damping down your feelings and depression (and rage! Trust me, that's in your future, too) over her adultery. Often with disastrous effects a few years from now. If you are even considering reconciliation, there will be a ton of work for her to do, a lot of naked self-analysis that will reveal things about her character that she might not relish sharing. Do you honestly think she is up to that?

Reconciliation is a gift from you to her, if you think A) she will honor it and B) she will meet your own criteria for reconciliation. If she's been in a relationship with the other guy, you need to address what YOU want out of this, going forward. At the very least, if she plans on going to term with the baby, you should not be listed on the birth certificate and waive your parental rights due to infidelity. Personally, I don't know how that would ever work out, because THEN the POS Coworker will be in your life for 18 years. OR she has an abortion (her life her choice) and you try to figure out how to rebuild this marriage she so casually destroyed. Either choice isn't great.

Or you could go with the D option. Did you mention this event to the co-worker's wife, btw? Maybe she'll be overjoyed to be a new part time mom, eh? Personally, I wouldn't trust anything she has to say about having "already informed her" . I mean, if the coworker is married or in a relationship. That should come from you. Your wife already has a long track record for lying and deceit, now is not the time to take anything she has to say on blind faith.

I just don't know what to say or do. She says it means nothing and was a stupid mistake. What kills me is if it had been us making love that night, we could have been celebrating getting pregnant ourselves. And this has just fucked me over and it's the complete, fucking, life changing opposite to that. I just can't see how this is forgivable. Further, she threatened suicide already today it an attempt to stop me leaving
.

Okay, my Detective Colombo impression.. "Just one more thing".. there's a lot in this short paragraph that needs addressing.

First of all-- Adultery isn't a mistake. It's never a mistake. Don't let her use the phrase.
Adultery is a series of small decisions that build and build and build until you are finally at the choice of "Do I have sex with this other person even though I am married, even though that is wrong?" Adultery is all about making a conscious decision to do something wrong. MISTAKES don't involve as much free will.. I define a mistake as an action with unintended or undesired result. When your wife hopped in the sack with this guy, she did it because she wanted to do it, that's all. It wasn't a mistake on her part when she was doing it.

Secondly, you answer your OWN question about not knowing what to do in the same paragraph. This WAS a completely life altering discovery. You already were in a marriage where she was cheating, you knew that at some level.. but this cements everything. Every person is different, but.. wow. I don't know if you can ever go back from here. You'd never look at her the same way again, you'd never admire her again. She's lost that special something that you married her for. You certainly could never trust her again. So.. are you really in a quandary? I can only speak for me. I surely would NOT be.

I just can't see how this is forgivable.

Well.. it's not, really. For a lot of people.

Last and not least. Suicide threats are common when certain cheaters are caught. It's theatrics. You should not be trapped in a soulless, dead marriage because a partner threatens you with suicide. That's horrific manipulation on her part. If she threatens suicide-- take her seriously and call 911 and the police. Tell her you will do that.

My last and final advice, promise.. Separate. Get out of this. Have her move out. You deserve so much better of a life than this, so much better of a wife than this. You know your own destiny, act accordingly. Sending strength.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 4:47 PM, July 2nd (Thursday)]

KingofNothing posted 7/2/2020 16:21 PM

Hey, Tired.. I remember reading something about the effects of smoking pot on conception for both men and women. I couldn't find the article I was thinking of but I did find this one in the Canadian Medical Journal. It's hardly definitive and walks back a couple of points but it's an interesting read, anyway:

1. It may reduce sperm count

The paper also pointed out that marijuana use can cause sperm counts to take a major hit.

A 2015 study found that men who regularly smoked marijuana saw a 29 percent drop in their sperm counts.

Interestingly, another recent paper on human reproduction showed higher sperm counts in men who had ever used marijuana when compared to men who never used marijuana.

Regardless, more research is needed to better understand the short and long-term impact marijuana has on sperm health.

“This discrepancy in findings demonstrates that there’s a clear need for more research in this area,” Ilnitsky said in a podcast supplementing the practice article.

2. Marijuana can interfere with ovulation

According to Ilnitsky, it’s much harder to study marijuana’s effect on women’s fertility because we don’t have a direct measure to look at, as we do with semen in men.

That said, one study discovered that smoking marijuana can delay the ovulation cycle by a few days.

“High amounts of THC can decrease the production of estrogen and without the high estrogen spike, ovulation will not occur,” Dr. Felice Gersh, an OB-GYN and founder of the Integrative Medical Group in Irvine, California, told Healthline.

If ovulation doesn’t occur, no egg will be released and there will be no chance an egg will be fertilized.

3. Marijuana use can exasperate preexisting fertility issues

Considering the effects marijuana can have on fertility — namely reduced sperm motility and delayed ovulation — it appears that marijuana could potentially exasperate any difficulties a couple may have getting pregnant.

“Marijuana interferes with the normal functioning of our endocannabinoid system, and that complex biological system is involved with every aspect of fertility-ovulation, tubal transport, readying of the uterine lining, and timing and proper implantation of the embryo at the blastocyst stage,” Gersh said.

“Consequently, marijuana can potentially take any fertility problem and make it worse, simply by impacting all of these aspects of the reproductive system,” Gersh added.

That said, previous evidence suggests that couples without fertility issues will not experience major issues conceiving if they use marijuana somewhat regularly.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 4:22 PM, July 2nd (Thursday)]

NotInMyLife posted 7/2/2020 16:30 PM

She attempted suicide at in Feb and when she came to, the first name she asked for was the OM.
In other words, she has been cheating since at least the beginning of the year and she has been willing to risk your health in order to continue to see him regularly
She says it means nothing and was a stupid mistake.
Think about what she is saying there: you spent 6 years trying to conceive with her and her getting pregnant by someone else is a meaningless "stupid mistake".
I just can't see how this is forgivable.
And there's no reason for you to be manipulated into doing so.
she threatened suicide already today it an attempt to stop me leaving.
If you have a place to go, pack a bag and call 911 as you leave. Then get busy finding a counselor for yourself as well as a lawyer.

ShutterHappy posted 7/2/2020 16:32 PM

Good post by KingofNothing.

Your WW figured out a way to have an affair with some other guy during lockdown, pretty much under your nose. And she got pregnant. She actually told you she was going there and you told her not too. That means she’s emotionally attached to her BF. This was no mistake.

Do you know the OM?
Is he married?
How long has this been going on?
Has she done this before?

You have very little information.

And it wasn’t only once, all cheaters say that and there’s always more.

You have to face that reality. Your WW has a BF and she wants the marriage too.

You’ll have ro put your foot down and either list your non-negotiable requirements for R, or take steps towards D.

ChamomileTea posted 7/2/2020 16:45 PM

I dunno. We had another guy on here a few months back whose WW got pregnant by the AP. She rushed out to get an abortion in order to try and save the marriage, and if memory serves, the BH wasn't particularly happy in R, but felt too guilty to leave. I think it's really important that you not put that responsibility on your own plate. If your WW decides on abortion, that has to be her decision alone and not predicated on saving the marriage. Otherwise, you might end up feeling like you have to stay with her, like there's some kind of trade.

Your best bet would probably be to divorce her straight away. Then she'll have to make that decision on her own, without your input and without bargaining for your return. And who knows, sometimes people get back together after divorce. Sometimes BH's raise the other child with their WW. We have one of those here too. And some times, the BS gets a little distance and realizes his life is better without the WW. We've seen a few of those guys too.

You'll be okay. Just try to step back and do whatever you need to do to make sure she's cleaning up her own mess and not making you responsible for her choices.

Tiredhusband posted 7/2/2020 16:50 PM

I've met the OM a couple of times. Just always seemed like a weird atmosphere - particularly over the last six months. They've been working together for a while and talk on a daily basis. He's just a single young dumb dude. As much as it's a shit thing to do on his side, the blame is all on her.

Our relationship was built on trust, so I genuinely hoped I was wrong and it was innocent.

I really don't know if it's happened more than once, but am totally sure I wouldn't have found out if she hadn't gotten knocked up. It apparently happend 6 weeks ago, and so if she was feeling bad, there were no signs until this morning.

I've never suspected it's happened with anyone else.

She's said she'll quit her job tomorrow and do anything to get a second chance to make this work.

nekonamida posted 7/2/2020 17:05 PM

Call her family and tell them that she's suicidal, pregnant with OM's kid, and you are not going to stay with her. Hopefully they can talk some sense into her and keep her safe. If she threatens suicide to you again, call 911. If she's doing it to manipulate you, that will end real fast when she's facing a psych hold. And if she really is suicidal, she will get the help that she needs.

She's said she'll quit her job tomorrow and do anything to get a second chance to make this work.

She's not being honest with you at all about the timeline of the A or how many times they had sex. Adults having an A don't just do it once. You can pretty much guarantee they did it every time she went over. Without honesty, she is not R material.

What would you be giving up to stay with her? What would you be getting out of staying? Your relationship didn't sound sounds like it was meeting your needs before DDay either. Do you want kids? If so, there's no way you're going to have time to get your relationship with her stable and impregnate her. It takes 2-5 years to fully heal from infidelity and that's even if she's doing everything right. She doesn't have 2 years. It's not even clear if she has 2 months. So if this is at all a dream of yours, don't waste it by listening to her broken promises.

Butforthegrace posted 7/2/2020 17:12 PM

She's said she'll quit her job tomorrow and do anything to get a second chance to make this work.

Curious why she didn't take that approach with her first chance.

Call her family and tell them that she's suicidal, pregnant with OM's kid, and you are not going to stay with her.

Agreed 100% with that approach.

Also mention to her family that you're getting tested for STD's.

sisoon posted 7/2/2020 17:14 PM

First, stop beating yourself up. You love your W, so you believe what she says. You love your W, so you don't locke her up. You're M to her, so you trust her. That's the opposite of being a 'pathetic loser;' it's being a good H.

You didn't cause her to cheat; she made that decision on her own. Eric Berne defined a 'loser' as a person who does not do what the person says they will do. Your W said she'd be a good W. She's a loser. She did this to herself.

I believe WSes can become remorseful, do the necessary work, and redeem themselves. They can change from cheaters to good partners. But the work starts with being honest with themselves and their BSes. It starts with saying, 'I fucked up, and I will bear the consequences. I will take responsibility for myself and change.'

Remorseful WSes don't minimize ('it's a mistake'), don't 'TT ('trickle truth - we're colleagues ... well, he's a friend ... um, I fucked him once....), don't blameshift - they take responsibility.

My advice is first to heal yourself - start processing the anger, grief, fear, shame, whatever out of your body. Drink lots of water. Eat and sleep when you can. Move your body to work off excess energy. Maybe get into IC to help you get control of all the contradictory lines of thought that are running around in your brain. Once you get some of the feelings out of the way, you'll be able to think more clearly about how you want to resolve this.

If you take control of yourself and both think and feel about your decisions, you pretty much can't go wrong. If you choose on the basis of feelings alone, the odds of having to backtrack are higher. But if your thinking and feeling are aligned, you can hold your head high whether you R or D.

If R interests you (and it doesn't have to), I recommend thinking about your requirements for R. You can find out about R by reding in the R(econciliation) forum and the Healing Library ( link's in the yellow box in the upper left of SI pages). I recommend you browse through the HL.

As awful as you feel now, have faith in yourself to survive and thrive - there really is a good possibiiity of a Good Life after being betrayed.

Tiredhusband posted 7/2/2020 17:17 PM

Thanks everyone.

Curious why she didn't take that approach with her first chance.

Yeah, if it was such a 'mistake' surely own up and sort it immediately. Not just when you get caught.

I'm getting tested and speaking to lawyers soon.

I just don't know what to do right now to keep myself sane and functioning.

Freeme posted 7/2/2020 17:47 PM

Tell her family what is going on and that she has threaten suicide. If she makes the threat again call 911. You should not have to deal with that on top of everything else.

Normally we say take your time. Figure out what you want to do. Watch her actions not her words but you've got an extra problem to deal with.

If she has an abortion you will most likely be blamed for it if you stay together. You've said that you do not want to raise this mans child.

When you talk to the lawyer you need to find out what steps to take so that you are not financially responsible for the child.

I would start detaching using the 180 healing library and see a lawyer ASAP. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

Also, it's sick that she is still lying to you saying they only slept together once.

HalfTime2017 posted 7/2/2020 18:50 PM

I'm sorry you find yourself here Tired, but maybe take this opportunity detach. You've been her caretaker and lover for awhile now, and how does she repay you? She gets knocked up by some other dude, when you guys have been working towards your own baby. I'm not sure how in the world you can get over something like that.

That is some bullshit. Count your blessings you don't have a child with this child who can't stop getting high. For all you know, its her weed smoking and anything else that she's not telling you that's been the issue all along getting pregnant. Most on this board won't want to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. But I'm going to say, no kids!!! You should cut your losses.

You're 42. Thats your prime. Don't waste one more minute on this cum dumpster and let the OM have her. If you can't get over another getting her knocked up, there is no point in wasting more of your time on this. That's such a low blow to you.

ChamomileTea posted 7/2/2020 18:55 PM

I just don't know what to do right now to keep myself sane and functioning.

In The Healing Library, you'll find lots of tips about self-care, which is really so important when a person has been traumatized. In a nutshell, eat what you can, sleep when you can, stay hydrated, avoid alcohol, and get some light exercise. See your doctor for stress management if you're having trouble with any of those issues.

Also, consider separation. If one of you has a place to go, if it's staying with a family member or friend, think it over. As I said before, you would do well to get as far away from your WW's decision about termination as possible. From what you've described, she might never get pregnant again. This might be her one shot at motherhood. I don't see how it doesn't all end in resentment if she aborts and then later blames you, not even if she assures you that she won't.

nekonamida posted 7/2/2020 19:22 PM

As I said before, you would do well to get as far away from your WW's decision about termination as possible. From what you've described, she might never get pregnant again. This might be her one shot at motherhood. I don't see how it doesn't all end in resentment if she aborts and then later blames you, not even if she assures you that she won't.

I agree with this. It's terrible and unfair but I don't see how she can in good conscious want to abort if this is her only chance. I don't think she's really thought it through at all and is acting on impulse to save your marriage at all costs. If she does abort and you do stay, it is pretty much guaranteed that this will come up if she can't get pregnant in the future and it will ruin whatever R you had.

TH, you can go through the motions of separating and telling her there's no chance at R and then in the off chance she does abort and take solid steps towards fixing this, you can always stop the D and try R. You're not going to see a lawyer tomorrow and have this wrapped up by next week. It's going to take some months to separate and get the process going. It will give her time to really think about whether she's going to jump at the small chance of working things out with you or if she's going to run to the OM the second you utter divorce.

oldtruck posted 7/2/2020 19:34 PM

your WW did not just have sex with the OM one time.

WW's lie.

best thing to do is file for divorce. tell her parents that the OM
knocked her up so she is now the OM's problem.

HalfTime2017 posted 7/2/2020 19:41 PM

Yup, make it well known that your WW got knocked up by another man, and its not yours. You don't want that attached to you in the future for whatever reason. You also want her parents and your family to know the truth before she goes and changes her mind and blames you for getting an abortion. Set this straight from the get go. If you have the heart down the road to R, that is up to you. You want to make sure that the baby and keeping that is totally out of your hands and in the hands of the OM and your WW.

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