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is this real?

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Tigersrule77 posted 7/7/2020 13:48 PM

.its my fault i was so distant. Its my fault the way i talk annoys her.

She tells me it was because she was mad at me lol! She calls me the crazy one. I get letters from her, 2 ir 3 a day now telling me how i can fix it.

So you had a nice bike ride. And a discussion without yelling. Does that mean you are taking the steps your WW requested to fix yourself and repair the M? From what you are telling us, it appears that the responsibility lies on YOU. You have not explained ANY steps your WW is taking to regain your trust or take responsibility for her actions. If you are comfortable with this, then I wish you luck.

ShutterHappy posted 7/7/2020 18:13 PM

She truly feels terrible that she is having feelings for this man.

So she still has feeling for the OM, and sheís still in the affair.

You canít control her, you canít change her feelings. You can get out of infidelity though.

As long as you stay with a woman who is in love with another man, you will be in pain.

SnowToArmPits posted 7/7/2020 18:22 PM

And any question i ask is most likely going to be answered with a lie

Tough to stay married to a spouse who acts like that.

My sympathies pal, that's a very tough marital situation.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 6:23 PM, July 7th (Tuesday)]

fareast posted 7/7/2020 19:51 PM

Subverted:

Glad you have a place to vent. You have a lot of good reasons to try and make it work with your WW. There is nothing wrong in making that effort. We each have to make the decisions right for our life. Always value yourself. Be vigilant. Do not allow your WW to rugsweep her A. If she wants to continue your M, she has to try and rebuild your trust. Time will tell.

Stevesn posted 7/8/2020 11:00 AM

Subverted

You deserve more than what she is giving you. I know you are a nice guy that loves his wife. Most of us here are. We canít imagine being mean to the person you love.

But I am going to be completely honest with you here, working through this slowly while she still is ďin loveĒ with another man is not going to get you where you want to go. It will leave you in limbo.

We all have free will. Both you and she a re no exceptions.

So if it were me Iíd be completely honest about what you want. Like many here I believe honesty from both souses after infidelity is the primary key to rebuilding or finding happiness.

You donít have to be mean about it. But you need to be clear.


I cannot remain in a relationship where my partner views me as 2nd best. I need to be my wifeís one, and more importantly, her only.

You clearly have feelings for this other man and he for you. That breaks my heart. I thought we would Spend the rest of our lives together as a team, finding happiness as a pair with each other in our hearts completely.

Itís clear that is not the case for you. I will not give my heart to someone who no longer makes me feel safe in the relationship and is pining away for someone else. I cannot live with someone who each day looks out the window wondering what she is missing out on.

I think you need to go and explore what you see in this individual. I canít be with you while you are wondering. Yes Iím mad, sad and in pain over this. This is not what I want. But I see no other path for us while you are not absolutely sure that I am your soulmate and partner for life.

So Iím going to move on. Iím going to legally end what your infidelity has damaged and try to heal and find happiness for myself and hopefully our kids.

Do not come back to me unless you are absolutely sure I am the love of your life. I donít need false hope and fake affection.

Someday if youíve sorted out your life, and Iím in a position to discuss it, perhaps we can try again. But I will make no promises nor do I want any from you.

Itís time to end discussions about us and start working on the mechanics of ending our marriage. Iím sad this is the case, but i see no other options.

Seriously my friend, look down the road, can you see a path where she gives him up and doesnít pine away for time with him? Thatís not a life for you. Marriage, while hard work, should also be a safe haven for partners and not have major doubts overhanging the relationship.

Take the step that I and others suggest, let her go and find herself. Let her explore this life with him. In the meantime you can work on you and decide what makes you happy. Perhaps it is someone else. Perhaps itís a change how you spend your time. Whatever it is, at least youíll eventually stop wondering when she walks out the door who she will be spending time with and what they will be doing.

If someday with hat in hand, she can prove to you that her heart is solely with you, then you can try and rebuild. My hope is that by then, you have found the person that truly treats you as you deserve and can tell her to pound salt.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:27 PM, July 8th (Wednesday)]

DBFool2019 posted 7/8/2020 14:05 PM

A hour later she comes up and we have passionate sex.....

Brother, you are splitting a time-share vagina with a registered sex offender. You have absolutely no idea where he has been man. Stop doing this immediately and get yourself tested!!

subverted posted 7/8/2020 21:13 PM

I tell her shes wrong for cheatig she tells me im pushing her away qith my "emotional abuse" if being mad at her for cheating.

RocketRaccoon posted 7/8/2020 21:47 PM

she tells me im pushing her away with my "emotional abuse" if being mad at her for cheating.

Sigh.... typical of wayward behaviour, using DARVO.

She is trying to make herself the victim so that she can gain sympathy from everyone.

DARVO is basically a tactic that abusers use to wriggle out of the situation they caused.

Note: D(efend) A(ttack) R(everse) V(ictim) and O(ffender)

anoldlion posted 7/9/2020 01:34 AM

When she tells you that you are pushing her away

with "emotional abuse", just tell her she pushed

you away with her "cheating abuse" and you are

just trying very hard to find your way back and

she doesn't seem to be want to help you. I do wish you

well.

standinghere posted 7/9/2020 01:54 AM

You have received a lot of good advice. It sounds like the MC is doing what a MC is supposed to do, which is explain and referee and educate between spouses while they work through their marital issues.

But, I'm going to have to echo another posters words.

Some sex offenders date/have affairs with women with children - and it isn't because they want the woman.

Your wife is involved with and pining for a man who is "not safe for family". She needs IC, not MC, and you need to be extremely cautious about your children, more than you realize.

SnowToArmPits posted 7/9/2020 02:20 AM

I tell her shes wrong for cheatig she tells me im pushing her away qith my "emotional abuse" if being mad at her for cheating.

OP, with respect to you, I know you're hurting.

The answer to that is "so what?"

You said earlier she lies. Now this. Trying to talk her back to behave herself likely isn't going to work. Maybe nothing you do can make her behave herself. Sorry man.

subverted posted 7/9/2020 09:54 AM

I agree with everything u guys are saying. I dont think shes talking to him like i think she is. But who knows? I saw on her computer 2 days ago she was searching youtube for him... his name...i confronted her about it and she said sorry ofourse. She was thinking about him.....yeah...thats my problem. Im plan b. Number 2. Then 2 days ago she said she "accidentally" sent him a ? Text....yep she admitted to it. Said it was an accident lol. Whatever. Shes obviously still oodling over this guy and she tells me shes trying.... but the truth is, if i cheated on her and was truly remorseful over my actions, i would be on my knees begging for forgiveness. And i would take any "emotional abuse" she threw at me. I wouldnt blame her for sabotaging the marriage like she does to me either. She actually slapped me twice yesterday lol. So f'ed up to think that my wife has literally changed into this person i no longer know.

My kids are going camping with my parents for the week, and i think shes planning on going somewhere else to stay for a few days. It will be hard, i will be lonely, and i will have a mass of emotions i will have to deal with, but i have to deal with it. I have to move on. Maybe she will start to realize whats actually happening. Most likely not...

Again you guys are awesome. Thank you so much for all the knowledgable input from peoplenwhi have walked down this path.

I have kicked a heroin habbit. Been clean for 13 years. I have restarted my life in a different state thousands of miles away from my family with 10 dollars in my pocket. I have gone from a high school drop out to making 6 figures. I have done a lot of hard things in my life...but i think divorce and infidelity tops them all....stay strong people.

Learning how to be single again after 15 years will be hard. Sitting in a quiet house alone will be hard. But i guess life goes on.

[This message edited by subverted at 9:56 AM, July 9th (Thursday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 7/9/2020 10:51 AM

She's still pursuing the other man. That sucks royally.

Start splitting assets now. Get her name off of everything that you want to keep. You have a lot of work to do to get free from her. While everyone's away, make lists of everything that needs to be done toward getting free. Outline and put in order your plan of action. Don't hesitate and don't turn back. Continue to move toward freedom. I'm sorry that you're in this situation. Thankfully, you have options and can get away from it. Take your life back and never look back. I wish the best for you.

Tigersrule77 posted 7/9/2020 10:57 AM

Subverted, I'm sorry that things have not been going well.

Learning how to be single again after 15 years will be hard. Sitting in a quiet house alone will be hard

It may not be easy, but it was a big help for me to change my focus. Instead of focusing on how you are losing your M, focus on what you are gaining. You will no longer be stuck with a lying, cheating spouse. You can find someone who is worthy of you.

I saw on her computer 2 days ago she was searching youtube for him... his name...i confronted her about it and she said sorry ofourse. She was thinking about him.....yeah...thats my problem. Im plan b. Number 2. Then 2 days ago she said she "accidentally" sent him a ? Text....yep she admitted to it.

No, she didn't admit to what she is doing. She is still lying and minimizing. Everything you describe from your WW shows that she is NOT worthy of your efforts at R. She is making no effort of her own. And she continues to lie and try to gaslight you. Start the 180 today and hire an attorney. Stop wasting your time with this person.

Lalagirl posted 7/9/2020 11:17 AM

She actually slapped me twice yesterday

You need to call the cops when she does this. DV goes both ways and the laws apply to men and women. And be careful, she sounds like the type to call them on you with a trumped up DV claim.

Seriously, subverted; you need to get away from this craziness.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 11:18 AM, July 9th (Thursday)]

Rockeater posted 7/9/2020 12:17 PM

If I am reading all this correctly, I sense danger to you and your children. You are dealing with an ex-con sex offender, the most vile type of person anywhere.

Run.

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/9/2020 12:26 PM

Sorry if this is too blunt....

But have you filed yet?

She is NOT close to being a candidate for R!!!!
She is still head over heels for the other guy. PLUS, she is stil in communication with him. Can she explain way things are taking 3 to 4 times as long as they should????

Do yourself a Favor, get out as quickly as you can!!!
The sooner you get away from her, the quicker you will heal.

Good luck, stay strong, and do what you must look the man in the mirror in the eye!

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/9/2020 12:29 PM

If you havenít filed yet, what would she have to do in order for you to say, ďThatís it!! That is the straw that has broken the camelís back!Ē????

Carissima posted 7/9/2020 13:19 PM

Your WW slapped you, twice. I don't know why you would put a lol after that, it's domestic violence, and not acceptable.
You say she was searching for him on YouTube, did she find him? Maybe she left him a message in the comments, where's there a will there a way.
If she's leaving then she should be going to her parents. Don't fund her staying in a hotel where the OM could possibly join her.

Dyokemm posted 7/10/2020 12:14 PM

Still hasnít come clean on the extent of the A (a snowballís chance in hell that this wasnít a full PA)......

Blaming you for her cheating......

Still pining for and contacting the sex offender POSOM......

There is simply nothing to work with here in terms of R......I donít give a damn how much Ďlove bombingí she is doing about wanting to stay married to you, etc.

Fire for D......

Possibly, that will wake her up that you are dead serious about leaving her.......and to the fact that her life as she knows it is about to come crashing down around her ears.

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