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Busted Wife in an Affair

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Outoflove2020 posted 6/26/2020 12:44 PM

They met online in a shared interest group over social media

This is how my xWBF met his EA. They did meet once in person at an event for that shared interest group. Unlike your WW, however, he was unwilling to go no contact with her, so I ended up moving out and we are no longer together.

In my mind, if it had been a full on physical affair, I think it would have been easier to rationalize for me. At least I could understand it more. As it is, I just cannot get my head around how he threw away his relationship for someone he met online a few months ago, who lives a thousand miles away, who herself is married with a kid, for something so tenuous and vague and unreal. That he's choosing that over me and the real life relationship we had.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Well on the bright side, you had more progress in three days than I had in three months

Totally agree with what MickeyBill said Sounds like you are in a much better place mentally than I was. I made a whole boatload of mistakes when I found out, and am only now realizing that I should have followed what the collective wisdom here advised. I don't know if it would have changed anything, but I do regret my actions somewhat. I didn't even THINK about telling the OBS until coming onto this website, and even then it took me a few weeks to get my head around that. I will be doing so this weekend.

Folks here are giving you good advice.

barkplugs posted 6/26/2020 15:19 PM

Yes, not only is the shared interest group out of the picture, but the related account is closed and related people have been jettisoned, even a long time friend that was clearly negatively influencing the situation.

While hearing the general sentiment that I've been dealing well with this shitshow is a positive, it certainly doesn't feel like much. I'm a disaster. The only comfort I get is knowing there's been effort put in to eliminate recurrent problems and I'm not fighting her wanting to continue her behavior. The papers would have already been drawn up. It feels terrible to even write that.

steadychevy posted 6/26/2020 17:13 PM

Her cheating is entirely on her. Don't take any responsibility for it. It sounds like you are doing that to yourself.

All marriages have issues of some kind. The concept of commitment is to be able to ride those out and get them resolved. You were in the same marriage. Did you cheat?

Marriage issues are shared in some proportion. The proportion depends on baggage brought into the marriage, IMO. On another infidelity website a comment was made by one of the psychologists that the only baggage that never gets lost is what is brought into the marriage.

You can work on those issues in the future. Doing so too quickly could short circuit the work your WW needs to do. If you stay together doing that work eventually would be worthwhile. If you want to look at it independent of your WW I would recommend going to your own IC.

Buffer posted 6/26/2020 18:22 PM

Brother, just breath, in then out.
The waves of anger will subside, but each person is different some can get through it fairly quickly others can’t. IC may help you.
I am glad this wasn’t a exit A. Gives you more of a chance to R if both parties are up for the hard yards and pain.
Keep communicating and researching.
One day at a time
Buffer

oldtruck posted 6/26/2020 21:07 PM

bring her phone to an expert to get the deleted messages
recovered.

Sharkman posted 6/26/2020 21:27 PM

You're going to be a disaster. if you understand this it will give you power.

It's like going to the doctor for something bad. You can feel bad about yourself or put your shoes on, get in the car and go see the doctor. One foot in front of the other and you'll get through this. In a few weeks you'll feel anything but helpless. Angry, but not helpless.

Buster123 posted 6/27/2020 01:39 AM

Now, has she had physical affairs or other emotional affairs? Man, there’s no way I can get proof of that. Polygraphs are unreliable; I’m not going that route. I wish I could have this info, I really do. It’s just not going to be. I can either deal with that or... not, I guess.

Listen Polys are not 100% reliable and not admissible in court, however this ain't a court of law and there's a reason why they're widely used by the FBI, CIA, detectives, job interviews, and yes INFIDELITY cases, they are typically more "reliable" (some studies claim 75%-80% reliable) than the word of a proven cheater and a liar (your WW) who LIED to you for 7 months. It often leads to what we call here and other websites as a "parking lot confession" a short time before or right on the day of the poly, you can find many of those cases if you read here long enough, in fact there was just one the other day, also sometimes failure of the test leads to more confessions or TT, we've seen that too, if anything, they serve as additional "confirmation" that she's now telling the truth, that's why it's important to insist on a written timelime subjected to a polygraph.

It's up to you, but a polygraph is one of those standard and very common suggestions here on SI and other forums that have stood the test of time and that have proven very effective, it also helps with remorse by emphasizing even more the severity of her actions and the destroyed trust. You only get about 4 or 5 questions, here are my suggestions in case you reconsider:

1)Have you kissed or had any type of sex or physical contact with OM ?

2) Were you planning on or did you ever attempt to meet him ?

3) Have you ever had an A or any inappropriate relation with anybody else other than POSOM after we started dating exclusively and/or during our M?

4) Are you lying on the timeline and/or are you purposely not disclosing any more info from me regarding infidelity or any inappropriate relation with anyone including POSOM ?

5) Have there ever been other incidents when you came close to cheating on me and/or at least considered cheating on me ?

It's often said here on SI that if you're going to forgive, you should know or at least have as much info as possible about what you're forgiving.

Ginny posted 6/27/2020 06:52 AM

I highly recommend making HER get tested for STDs. That can be an eye opening experience to find yourself explaining to your doctor that you need a full set of sexually transmitted disease testing. Tell her you have no way of believing if she has always been faithful so you need to protect yourself.

Also, do not dismiss the idea of a polygraph completely. It can be another rude awakening for her when she finds herself driving up to an examiner’s office. A lot of truth comes out in the parking lot. You will learn a lot from her attitude before and after. That is as much value as the actual testing,

Gently, be aware that almost always trickle truth comes out over time. It happened several times during our reconciliation.
Don’t be in too bit of a hurry to feel like you know everything. She has proven she has no problem lying to you over and over again. I remember thinking, “MY wh’s affair is different than what people warn you about on SI”. Eh, not so much. There is a mythical “Cheater’s Handbook” that most seem to follow in one way or another. Be prepared to learn more. Do not rug sweep, no matter how tempting it is,,,

Robert22205https posted 6/27/2020 07:31 AM

Your wife probably thought texting with the OM was harmless (you'd never know) and most important - that she was in control.

Texting can become addictive (google it). And from your wife's behavior you should assume she's now addicted.

Even though she intends to quit - she will have difficulty resisting (especially if she has opportunity like traveling alone).

Texting stimulates the same parts of the brain as a drug.

Texting also triggers the same emotional connection as face to face contact.

That's why it's a slippery slope to an EA and then to PA.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 7:31 AM, June 27th (Saturday)]

BeyondRage posted 6/27/2020 07:32 AM

Listen Polys are not 100% reliable and not admissible in court, however this ain't a court of law and there's a reason why they're widely used by the FBI, CIA, detectives, job interviews, and yes INFIDELITY cases, they are typically more "reliable" (some studies claim 75%-80% reliable) than the word of a proven cheater and a liar (your WW) who LIED to you for 7 months. It often leads to what we call here and other websites as a "parking lot confession" a short time before or right on the day of the poly, you can find many of those cases if you read here long enough, in fact there was just one the other day, also sometimes failure of the test leads to more confessions or TT, we've seen that too, if anything, they serve as additional "confirmation" that she's now telling the truth, that's why it's important to insist on a written timelime subjected to a polygraph.

You ought to read what Buster just wrote you again. You are taking a major tool and just discarding it for no sensible reason. The reaction to asking for it, the time waiting for it to happen, and the trip there will all tell you something.

Robert22205https posted 6/27/2020 07:41 AM

Reconsider a polygraph.

Insisting on a polygraph makes a strong statement that trust' was destroyed and she is now a liar - and is one of the few consequences for her inappropriate behavior.

In the case of a texting addict, the prospect of facing a polygraph again also acts as a deterrent going forward (and she will be tempted).

To encourage a parking lot confession and for the test to act as a deterrent, inform your wife that you believe 100% in the polygraph accuracy(bluff if you have to).

Dismayed2012 posted 6/30/2020 10:12 AM

Sorry to hear about your situation barkplugs. Please realize that this exposes a weak point in your wife's personality. Realize that she can and may do this again given the right circumstances.

My one advice for you is to get an iron-clad post-nuptial agreement drawn up, signed, notarized, and filed as soon as possible. There may never be another incident but if there is it's incredibly important that you take this window of opportunity to protect yourself and your future. Recurrences happen sometimes after everyone settles back into their routine. If that occurs in 15 years then you'll be at least somewhat protected against financial ruin and you'll be thanking yourself.

Remember that you have two goals. 1. is to get yourself out of infidelity; and the most important goal, 2. is to take your life back. Take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

barkplugs posted 7/2/2020 10:48 AM

It's been a long week since last posting. Thanks again for the advice and time since then. I've gone from anger/logic mode to hurt/wtf/sad.

Some responses:

Reconsider a polygraph.

Polygraph reconsidered. The reaction to my request for a poly was "no problem, I'll do that if you need it."

I'm 60/40 on it now, I won't lie. I may end up doing it.

You were in the same marriage. Did you cheat?

No.

Gently, be aware that almost always trickle truth comes out over time. It happened several times during our reconciliation.
Don’t be in too bit of a hurry to feel like you know everything. She has proven she has no problem lying to you over and over again. I remember thinking, “MY wh’s affair is different than what people warn you about on SI”. Eh, not so much. There is a mythical “Cheater’s Handbook” that most seem to follow in one way or another. Be prepared to learn more. Do not rug sweep, no matter how tempting it is.

This helped me to read. Thank you.

Your wife probably thought texting with the OM was harmless (you'd never know) and most important - that she was in control.

Almost verbatim what was told to me. Yes.

Remember that you have two goals. 1. is to get yourself out of infidelity; and the most important goal, 2. is to take your life back.

Read this last night and found it immensely helpful. Its been enough time (weeks) since I discovered the affair that the fog (per se) is lifting and I can think more clearly. Sometimes the most simple phrase causes a person to bounce back and begin to DO instead of "be done to."

...

I've been getting what might be considered "distraction discussion" from her about my role in what led her to consider an emotional affair as an outlet. While I think her points are legitimate, what is your advice on having these discussions? She owns her choices. She is doing IC work. Where do you feel the line is for rugsweeping and blameshifting and what is considered ok?

Personally, I understand how someone could be led to considering an emotional affair. I'm fully aware that I didn't actually push her into it.

It's several weeks into this and I just don't know what I should expect from her. How should she act? What should I be doing?

I don't know... sigh. Help?

fareast posted 7/2/2020 11:06 AM

Here’s my take for what it is worth. If your WW is simply trying to explain her thought process that allowed her to start an emotional A, acknowledging that her thinking and actions were dead wrong is one thing. Trying to say that because she was in a shitty M she was justified in what she was doing is another th8ng, and is dead wrong. The latter is blameshifting and if that is what she is saying you need to shut it down. If she was unhappy with you, why not talk to you. Get counseling to work on your issues. What does she believe gave her leave to confide in a third party about you and your M issues. How does having an emotional A help resolve any of your M issues? Of course it doesn’t.

She needs to get into IC to Understand her “whys” and how she got to the point to allow her to bring a third person into your M. How can you trust her again if she doesn’t address that issue? Just my thoughts. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 11:25 AM, July 2nd (Thursday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 7/2/2020 11:55 AM

"... about my role in what led her to consider an emotional affair as an outlet."

Discern if she is blaming you or saying that you need to change. If she is doing either of these, she's heading down the wrong track and needs to be corrected immediately.

All marriages have issues but not all spouses cheat. Never accept any blame for any of her choices. You aren't the problem, she is. However much you change your behavior or actions, it will and would have had no bearing on her choices. The fault for her choices lies fully on her.

My hope is that she's just working out her decision making process out loud and not blaming you or asking you to change. If she's putting any of this on you rather than her faulty reaction to you, then she's not accepting responsibility and that would be a huge problem.

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/2/2020 12:45 PM

You accept ZERO responsibility for what she did!!!

As the saying goes, a marriage is 50/50
Infidelity is 100/0

You were in the same marriage and you didn’t do what she did!!!

When she begins to talk about what you did to create the environment for her to cheat, stop her immediately and remind her that you were there, but you didn’t cheat. Ask her why she thought running to another man was acceptable instead of coming to you with issues and concerns

barkplugs posted 7/2/2020 13:12 PM

I think the last few comments are spot on in the context of blameshifting, but that is not what is happening here.

- She let me know what things I did "wrong". I agree with some of those things, but not in the context of causation for cheating.
- She does not blame me for her decision to confide in someone else.
- She used those things to justify her behavior to herself during the affair and states unequivocally that she was wrong for thinking that.
- She 100% acknowledges her decision to cheat is on her and not due to my behavior.
- She also acknowledges that the real solution was to come to me and discuss those things, not take them to another man.

You better believe that I shut that bs down at any time it might have come out that way. It didn't take but a couple of times.

[This message edited by barkplugs at 1:13 PM, July 2nd (Thursday)]

barkplugs posted 7/2/2020 13:15 PM

My hope is that she's just working out her decision making process out loud and not blaming you or asking you to change.

This is correct.

TimSC posted 7/2/2020 13:15 PM

You were in the same marriage and did not consider cheating. Or at least did not go there.

Anytime she says what she did is a result of how you were or were not acting at the time is blame shifting. Not good.

Cheating is a choice. Pure and simple. Cheaters do it because it feels good and they want that feeling to continue. They also lie and hide the truth because they know it is wrong and do not want to face the consequences of what they are doing if a spouse finds out.

Why did she do the things she did? Simple. She wanted to.

barkplugs posted 7/2/2020 13:34 PM

Generally, what you say is right, but is your response taking my bullet points into account?

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