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Thoughts on separation

RedeemedSinner posted 6/2/2020 21:20 PM

Counselor BS is seeing suggests a separation for a while to ease tensions. We are currently still living together with our children. I canít imagine My kids watching me pack up and leave. It already breaks my heart seeing their faces throughout everything so far. I told her I would of course respect her decisions, but I just hope this doesnít happen. Just wondering if anyoneís gone through this and did it help with anything?i told her I would give more space if that would help.

Snowyjune posted 6/3/2020 04:24 AM

My BH asked me to pack up and leave, and I was about 5 minutes away from that.

I used to think that leaving would make things easier for my family, to save them from the continued pain. So when my BH asked me to, i was ready to oblige.

But I've come to realize that is really just another form of escaping?

Staying will mean facing up to what you have done, facing up to the damage, making amends, making sure your BS is ok.

BS will go through phases where they want you to stay or GTFO, and it's my opinion that we should stick around to tough it out. To take care of them, even when they say they want space. Leaving would just look like you are jumping ship, even if its at their request.

This way, you will be able to see their pain and misery and be with them.

But of course, the caveat is that when you are around, you are 1000% on the lookout to how to make things better, to tell them your thoughts, to help them through anything, and be present.

When i was secretly in my affair even after my BH found out, he didn't give up on me and us, even though he had zero reason to. I am thankful for his resilience and fortitude, as we will not be where we are, if he wasn't so strong.

So in most cases, I believe sticking it out is the best way to show commitment through ups and downs.

Hephaestus2 posted 6/3/2020 05:22 AM

I can understand why you are concerned about separation, RedeemedSinner. Our marriage counselor suggested a separation at one point also. There is a lot of good information out there about "trial separations" and whether they can help. For example, Terry Gaspar at the The Gottman Institute has an interesting article called "Do Trial Separations Work". She outlines the conditions under which a trial separation can help. There are several good books on the subject (e.g., "Should I stay or go?: How controlled separation (CS) can save your marriage".)

MIgander posted 6/4/2020 08:17 AM

I could suggest getting a spare bedroom set up, I'm working on that as there are nights we need to sleep apart for my hubby's sake. That way, there's less pressure to always be together and there's less consequence on the one needing space (sleeping on the couch sucks- no matter how nice the couch!).

RedeemedSinner posted 6/4/2020 08:52 AM

Thanks for the replies. Iím determined to stick this out until itís absolutely done. I know this is all my doing, so I remember that as I walk every step of every day. Itís just every step we take away just seems to be the wrong direction, but I was just wondering what otherís experiences have been with that. Yeah the couch has been my space for quite a while now, but Iím ok with it if it means itís helping my wife.

JBWD posted 6/4/2020 10:13 AM

ďEasing tensionsĒ is vague- Is it that your BW feels crowded, stuck? Or do you all need physical space because thereís actual rage etc that is unsafe to remain in? I think itís most important to understand why an IC would recommend this.

Going into it I will tell you itís a challenge- The most important thing you can do at the start is have some degree of formal agreement between the two of you about what this will look like- Does she want to date? Will you all communicate? How to tell the kids?

Sticking it out is one thing, but haunting the woman youíve already hurt is another- Iíd say far more important than your thoughts on separation are HER thoughts.

Iím not necessarily the best spirit guide on managing separation with grace and dignity but I have come out of it so much healthier, and thatís what I can control. Whichever way you guys decide is the road youíre on- You can still support your family and be as much of a partner as possible. Build your plan with the time alone- Exercise, healthy living, time devoted to spiritual and personal growth. Bottom line is donít stop improving because youíre worth the effort too!!!

RedeemedSinner posted 6/4/2020 12:06 PM

Thanks JBWD, there is absolutely no rage, and we both agreed we can be civil with each other. She just feels stuck and not able to move toward R.

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