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Wanting to move forward

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inahole posted 5/20/2020 15:23 PM

I face grief & shame everyday, I'm not running away. I'm not denying my betrayal.I made the choices, and I can never forget the damage and consequences they caused. I'm not giving excuses, and I don't compare what I did to others on here. I'm here because I lied, cheated and betrayed my W'S trust. I'm not modifying it, I'm not Lessening it, I'm not blaming anyone else for it. What am I trying to protect? My Integrity, values, scruples? I had none that were important enough to live by. I destroyed my W's belief in me, which destroyed her world, and I will never forget that. Maybe I'm not a good communicator, but who am I trying to sway on this sight, I'm just like every other wayward here, looking for help. I know I'm a shitty person. I had an affair, I realize how wrong it was, I want to change the person who I am.

Zugzwang posted 5/21/2020 10:50 AM

I had an epiphany when I saw how much inheritance $ I had cheated my W out of by lying to her parents & siblings and creating such turmoil by gas-lighting
and denying my A, which made them think she was crazy. So much collateral damage from my actions.

Did you retract your treatment of her to her family?

inahole posted 5/21/2020 10:54 AM

I don't understand the question, please expand.

Zugzwang posted 5/21/2020 10:55 AM

I destroyed my W's belief in me, which destroyed her world,
Yes, you did. You can't change that. Though she can make a new one without you in it or a part of it and you can help that become easier for her and really want that for her because she deserves that. THAT would be remorse. You gambled and you lost. At the time you believed it was worth the gamble. You banked on her unconditional love and found out that it is as it should be...conditional on treating her with love. You didn't. So, move forward and do something better with yourself. Live your life better than who you were. Something great slipped through your fingers and it was your choice to let that happen. Accept it and move on. Own it and move on.

Zugzwang posted 5/21/2020 10:55 AM

Did you tell her family how you ruined her and made her appear crazy? Did you tell her family everything you did to her.

AintGonnaLose posted 5/21/2020 18:02 PM

Zug got to the crux of the issue. What have you DONE? You say you know this and you know that, you say all the right words. What have you done to try to make up for all the damage youíve done? Not that you ever will entirely. But as someone else said, if you truly want to change, you canít use that as an excuse. You have to make tangible effort to prove that youíre remorseful, that you realize what youíve done, that you will do whatever it takes to move forward, if you truly want to move forward. Otherwise it seems like you just want to be let off the hook. You canít move forward when youíre the one still sitting in the hole you dug lamenting how deep it is.

[This message edited by AintGonnaLose at 10:08 AM, May 24th (Sunday)]

Zugzwang posted 5/22/2020 10:22 AM

^^^^^ So right. I just realized this in response to another cake eater cheater...it seems we have had a number of male cake eaters that have dug deep know their whys...shared them....know how and why they are fucked up...yet stop there. All of them have had their wives leave them. You have to follow this up with real change. ACTIONS. The only thing I can say is that you don't want this for yourself.

inahole posted 5/23/2020 10:18 AM

I finally get that the only way to lose my defensiveness is to accept who I am. There are no words that can fix my situation with my W, just actions. I see that once trust and honor are betrayed, the innocence is gone forever. I'm giving up on trying to manipulate the future, I accept that I can't change her mind, because I already did, I changed it to see the real me, this piece of shit. I know I can't expect anything from her anymore, because I didn't give, I only took. The only thing to change is myself, you all have shown me that. Thank you.

JBWD posted 5/23/2020 12:22 PM

The only thing to change is myself

This is the only thing you CAN change! And it's totally worth doing because you will come to know yourself as opposed to having the jarring moments of snapping into awareness and seeing things you don't like/recognize.

There's ugly in all of us and we learn to live with it- Up until now you may have been ignoring/negating it, and that's what creates the kind of schism where we do things that, when pressed, we really don't understand.

You shouldn't view defensiveness as the problem, it's but one symptom. You need to be willing to hear other perspectives, because those are the ones that are going to tell you what you won't tell yourself. Even healthy people self-deceive, but they don't bristle and spit at their friends when those friends tell them they're fucked up.

...the real me, this piece of shit.

You don't need to despair.You're playing the hand you dealt. Nothing you can do about it now. You CAN, though, make the meaningful change to give her whatever it is she desires out of her future now- Financial stability; can't recall if you had kids but being the father they deserve; ultimately valuing her enough to help her cross whatever finish line is in front of her.

You can recover from this. It's potentially not with your BW. Recognize what a big ask R was and help her unconditionally. But most importantly learn who inahole is. Understand what drives the thoughts, the impulsive reactions. And then you can undermine those reactions. You'll see things differently. And hopefully understand that there's a lot of pain and suffering in this world, but we can choose to at least affect our ability to not injure. And see it in others and help as best you can.

inahole posted 6/5/2020 15:14 PM

I saw a recent thread describing different types of relationship attachment. I was curious and did some research on the PSYCHALIVE.ORG site. I discovered that the avoidant attachment theory has been my MO. It really made sense and applied to me totally. I now look at the way I've acted my whole marriage, with being non-emotional, aloof & distant. I realized I've denied my W the emotional assurance that, I loved & Appreciated her. I've struggled with vulnerability & intimacy, then once a tough patch came along I ran away looking elsewhere. It all makes sense, I've finally found those missing why's, and something to focus on in order to change.
All those old coping skills have really stunted my growth to be an equal adult in our relationship, and not a child. I've been re-learning how to communicate, and when things get uncomfortable, I know that's the conversation to pursue. I'm gonna keep pushing myself to get out of this hole I dug myself into.

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