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Telling my APís spouse

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Zugzwang posted 4/3/2020 14:06 PM

The point. You must reconcile yourself before you can reconcile the marriage.

StillLivin posted 4/3/2020 18:05 PM

Please tell her. I am one of the wives who contracted HPV from my husband. I also narrowly avoided catching something else. While unpacking his bag, an empty pill container of anti biotics dropped out of his bag. It didnt register at the time what it was. I researched it later, can't remember the name now, but it was commonly prescribed for chylamdia. You know the disease, the one that most women never show symptoms for until it's too late and they're sterile.
She has a right to know her life is at risk because he's stupid and a slut.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 6:06 PM, April 3rd (Friday)]

CallingSpades posted 4/3/2020 21:56 PM

I didn't read the entire thread so I'm just replying to the initial post with my story. I'm the BS.

I gave WH's AP six months to tell her H. I didn't tell her I would contact him, so have her plenty of time. She didn't tell him.

I emailed OBS the details. He called me to thank me, and said he could finally look in the mirror again. He had known something was wrong for a long time. He had let AP convince him he was to blame. Knowing what she had been up to gave him the truth he deserved and the ability to make decisions. He could finally understand past events, like why AP went and got an IUD out of the blue a couple years ago. He was able to finally see the real injustice of her separating him from his children or cutting him off from his friends.

If I could do it over again, I would contact this man immediately after DDay and put an end to his confusion and disempowerment ASAP. In the intervening time, he had made financial decisions that now put him at a disadvantage in the case of D. If I wasn't in truly great IC, I would feel a lot of guilt about that. Please, set yourself and your OBS free. They may not thank you, but they deserve the truth.

Zugzwang posted 4/4/2020 09:22 AM

Interesting point CallingSpades

When it comes down to it. The real basic truth, it is always about control and power. Yeah, you get WS on here spouting bullshit about not telling even their BS because they don't want to hurt them. The truth is they prefer having the power and control. So, it stands to reason that they feel the same with telling OBS. Those that don't tell, I just have to wonder if it is that last bit of control over their affair. Or their last forever lasting link (secret) to hold with their AP. If the OBS knows, then the power and control is gone. I try to put myself in my wife's shoes. If she had cheated on me and didn't want to tell the OBS, I would think she was protecting the AP and wanted to have that little dirty secret between herself and the AP behind the OBS that she one-upped. Keeps her feeling special at the expense of the OBS. Fuck that.

I can also see BS using it as a means of control as well. Finally getting a false sense of ownership during a very chaotic time. They can have that small bit of controlling the situation that has been out of their control for however long the affair had been going on.

CallingSpades posted 4/4/2020 22:22 PM

I can also see BS using it as a means of control as well. Finally getting a false sense of ownership during a very chaotic time.

I think you're spot on. I held out on telling OBS for way too long. Knowledge of the A getting out has career implications for both WH and AP. Keeping the secret gave me (BS) power too - but at OBS' expense.

Thanks Zugzwang. I learn so much from SI, and I've definitely saved some of your posts to my journal. Big help.

Walkingthewire posted 4/5/2020 09:38 AM

Years ago if you asked me if I knew my friendís SO was cheating would I tell. I would have said no. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

However, now I will out every. Single. A.

My fWHís AP contacted me and told me by FB messenger at 3am. She was a widow so there was not an OBS I could tell.

Tell the OBS. They have a right to know the person they married is breaking their vows.

am452 posted 4/14/2020 18:51 PM

I told OBS three days after D day.
Kept it short and simple with her, or at least tried to. Just sent her screenshots of the messages that OP from my EA sent.
We talked for a few days because OP lied when confronted and she asked me to fill in blanks for her.
BH really wanted me to do it because I think he wanted to hurt OP. I blocked OBS after giving her two days to ask more questions.
I was very surprised, I thought she would be confrontational but instead she thanked me, but then again this is all new territory for me.
Since I'm a mad hatter, I often wonder if I should tell BH's OP's OBS but I have no evidence of the A, only what BH tells me and the fact that BH came home smelling of her perfume. BH claims he told his OP he would protect her from me when I find out about their A, so my guess is that includes me telling her OBS.

Brokenlifer posted 4/14/2020 22:06 PM

He already contacted AP in the hopes he would tell his wife on his own but it hasn't happened.
He begged my husband not to tell anything because it would tear his family apart and that he would tell her when the children are grown.

My husband does not want to hurt the family, especially the children, but he also believes the wife has the right to know.

And now there is also the Coronavirus with all the anxieties it brings... which makes him think itís not the best timing.

Look at how much you know about her marriage that she doesn't. Is that right? Your BH is holding her autonomy in his hands. Is that right? You're helping her WH to continue lying to her even though you know that he doesn't have her best intentions at heart. Is that right?

And now even though we don't know who she is, we are aware that she exists and you've posted about it for advice I'm guessing, so we now can chime in.

Is that right? That I'm sitting here typing about the merits of telling this human being about her own life, but she does not know.

I shouldn't have to tell you this is wrong. You've already contributed to damage in her life, don't help her husband continue by giving him more say in her life than she has, by giving your own husband more say than she does (although he wants to do the right thing it's still not his choice to make- she deserves to know). Don't keep yourself in the position of having more control over her life than she does. Is that something you think is right?

There is no hurting the family or the children. The WH already did that. You and your BH are now helping him to continue if you don't tell her about her own life. If either of you can reconcile and leave this woman is this position, that you contributed to, I don't know how you are going to build a marriage based on the truth.

Brokenlifer posted 4/14/2020 22:10 PM

And can your BH actually tell her instead of you just asking about whether he should, as if there is more to the question than:

"Does she deserve to know the truth more than I do?"

Because there isn't. Either you think she deserves to have her own life and actually know about her own life. Or you don't.

...and you are happy for hers to be controlled while you get yours back (after damaging hers).

Brokenlifer posted 4/14/2020 22:17 PM

Last one cause I'm still trying to wrap my head around why you even needed to ask this to strangers but can't let this woman have her life.

It's not for your BH to decide what the best timing is. It's not his life. He knows the truth and can make choices.

She cannot, your BH is not the judge of her life. He needs to tell her asap, he doesn't know what the best time is for her. The only sure thing is that she deserves to know.

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