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Question about IC/MC

RedeemedSinner posted 3/4/2020 05:28 AM

Have yíall had MC that breaks off into IC sessions with the idea to bring us back together? We went for MC a couple weeks after Dday and after a couple sessions BS started going individually and I was told it was with the intent to eventually bring us back together and MC. Itís been two months and just wanted yíall experience with this and if this makes sense? How long should this go on before we come together for MC sessions? Thanks.

MrCleanSlate posted 3/4/2020 05:56 AM

Both my BW and I did IC (I actually started a few months before I broke off with AP and D-day.

We also started MC about a month after D-day. About 6 months in we were mostly doing just MC, but a few times my BW did separate sessions with the MC.

The IC is to help you figure out your own stuff. The MC helps with M and R. So if your BS is going to IC sessions that means they are working through things. What about you?

RedeemedSinner posted 3/4/2020 06:31 AM

First of all thanks for the reply. BS has just been meeting with the MC individually and she(MC) said She is working with her to help her get to a place to bring us back together. MC said she is there if I need her, which if I call she would meet with me. Which I told her whatever she needs to do to help BS that I understand. I guess itís just scary waiting to return to MC as a couple and worried me if this is a normal process to divide like this. She seems to know what sheís doing, so hopefully itíll work out.
As for me, I txt or call the MC once in a while for support and to talk through my issues. I have already been digging through my issues for a while, so I can see where I went wrong. Also talking to a good friend and my pastor when needed.

MrCleanSlate posted 3/4/2020 06:53 AM

If you havent already read the first pinned post on Wayward side - it will help you.

MC only really helps if you two are working towards reconciling. No idea about your back story so can't offer any more advice other than to suggest that in my case IC was really helpful.

DaddyDom posted 3/4/2020 09:56 AM

We broke off into IC with our MC on several occasions as well. This is not uncommon, especially when infidelity is involved. Each situation is unique so I won't try to label it for you. In my case, I was just so far in "la la land" that the MC really had to help me work on my empathy and self-realization. I couldn't be there for her when I wasn't able to be there for myself first. When both people are emotionally present and capable, healing as a couple can take place.

kairos posted 3/4/2020 10:26 AM

The only other point of input that comes to mind is that sometimes it's best to focus on IC for as long as it takes for both of you to individually get the personal change you need. I've been in weekly MC for 14 months and feel like the change/insights have been significant and so critical to entering into a relationship safely or being in self-relationship. This might sound crazy, but my only sense is that about 2 years of IC will be required for me to really make sense of my previously well hidden issues. My sense is that the issue of having intertwining MC and IC would conflate the issues. In other words, you gotta become your best self before you're truly ready to heal or re-create a new marriage. (2 cents)

RedeemedSinner posted 3/4/2020 19:30 PM

Thanks to each of you for the advice. Really helps hearing from others who have been there. Of course when its hurting and we feel so distant, I want it fixed sooner than later, so I struggled with not being in MC together, but seems like this method is common, so I will keep trusting the process.

MrCleanSlate, I had started reading the pinned post and it is very helpful information. Need to read it again I guess. Pretty much all I've been doing is reading and watching videos to try making sense of this mess.

DaddyDom, you pretty much summed up what the MC said about us needing to be ready and healthy enough to recommit. BS is of course extremely upset and hurting so MC was working with her mostly, which I am glad cause I want her to be cared for first.

kairos, you really nailed it with the last sentence. I know I've got some issues with self worth and neediness that I need to work on myself. I'm hoping we can come back together both healthier than before.

Iamtrash posted 3/5/2020 04:59 AM

To me, MC is useless without working your behind off in IC first. I am a very broken person. He is broken because of what I have done to his life. My own IC even said, two people as broken as we are (at this point) can work to help one another, but itís going to be extremely challenging to fully provide the support the other needs without first seeing some improvement in ourselves as individuals. (Again, not that you CANíT support your spouse, just that itís harder for an injured person to help someone else with their injury.) We talked about MC a few times and ultimately decided to work in IC first before merging into MC. We both needed time to find therapists we like and are comfortable with. Now that we finally have them, itís going to take time to work through everything before facing our marriage issues. Any issue that happened before the affair does need to be addressed, but since there was an affair, that is now the focus. You cannot work on the other things without repairing from the affair first.
This is just specific to us though.

Zugzwang posted 3/5/2020 16:35 PM

Separate IC. Different People. Then, after a year MC.

RedeemedSinner posted 3/5/2020 17:15 PM

When they say it is rough and slow they mean it. Itís so hard because unfortunately I waited over 8yrs from A to dday and BS and I grew so much into best friends and now being unable to even talk or txt is brutal. I know itís my own doing, but Iím just desperate to make sure our MC has the right idea. Itís like all I look for is any signs of hope. Thanks everyone for the input.

kairos posted 3/6/2020 13:54 PM

I hear in your message a desire to see any glimpse of hope and to make sure your perspective is being understood by the MC. Unfortunately this sounds like you're trying to control the situation and/or the outcome. Being in MC without having gone through the full IC process is sort of like being in a weird trial against yourself. Just focus on your own 'whys', look in the mirror every morning, and really just focus on who you are and how you became the person who made these poor choices and also chose not to come forward for so many years. Burying in the past doesn't dilute the impact to your partner at all. It's time to give it up and just let the pieces fall where they need to. Let go of the outcome my friend. Let go.

RedeemedSinner posted 3/7/2020 07:47 AM

Kairos, yeah I do agree with your reply. I have told MC and BS several times that I am not trying to push or rush anything, because I know that definitely wonít work. I guess reading these stories of how other couples just immediately know they want to R is not helping me. I know that is their story and not ours. Some days I just need a deep breath and a few words of encouragement to just keep walking forward. Thanks for your advice.

Zugzwang posted 3/7/2020 10:07 AM

I sure as Hell hope those that are here that feel it is best to not be honest read this and change their minds.

Thanks for taking the courage to tell your story and stay.

I sincerely believe every wayward deserves the opportunity to live an authentic life and become better people and the only way to do that is to be honest. You are proof of that. There is no way in Hell you can live with a lie and manipulating people unless you are a psychopath or sociopath. Other than also the obvious which is BS deserve to make informed decisions about their life as a basic human right.

RedeemedSinner posted 3/7/2020 21:41 PM

Zugswang, you are correct. If my story can help even one person not make the same mistake it is worth sharing. One of the hardest things over the years was every time my BS would say I was a good man it would cut deep. And asking myself what advice would I give to someone else in my situation? Itís the hardest thing Iíve ever done, but hopefully it will all workout in the end.

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